luckyclov78

I am brand new here. I've been unable to sleep because my situation is consuming me and I just want some kind of answer.

Last year I started talking to someone I grew up with. We hadn't talked in 17 years, but we were able to talk like we had just seen each other yesterday. We learned a lot about what has happened along the way in each of our lives since we knew each other last. He has moved back home and I live across the country. I had expressed to him that I was always homesick and I missed my dad. His dad was the same age as my dad and passed away in 2010. Before I knew it he was telling me that he would buy my kids and I plane tickets to come out there and see him and my family and decide if I wanted to really come home and to be with him. To me it was like a dream come true. I adore him. Our families are close. I could go home and be close to my family and live on a ranch with him. We got along so perfect, it sounded perfect. Well, I had a hard time picking a date that was near that I could take off work and the kids could take off school. He decided he would fly here and see us until we found time. He flew out and we spent 4 days together. It was perfect. He met my kids, they all seemed to adore one another. We both had such a good time. We did not however specifically talk about me going out there though. That bothered me after he was gone.

Well the week after he had been here seemed odd to me. I don't know if it was him or the way I was feeling. I just felt like he was distant. The next weekend he calls me. He asks me how my day had been etc, etc. I then asked him how his weekend was going. He tells me it had been crazy and that he had "gotten out of hand" the night before. I asked him what happened and his answer was, "I'm going to rehab on Monday." I was in shock. I knew he drank. We drank but very little when we were together. Not even near enough to be considered under the influence. Just a beer or two with a meal out. I had seen little signs here and there while we had been talking to each other before he came out. I could always tell he was drinking because he wouldn't call me. He would only text me or message me on Facebook. Plus I could tell from his Facebook that he wasn't quite right by his sloppy posts and the attitude he had. We did get into one argument before he came to see me. It got pretty intense. I guess as intense as it can get through text, lol. He said some pretty hurtful things. Calling me names etc. Trying to accuse me of wanting to use him when he was the one who always offered. Anyway, the next day he called and he apologized. I felt he was sincere and I was so thankful that we could go through that and make things right. At the time it's something we both agreed was good to see that we could handle that. Anyway, I did see signs and kind of wondered in the back of my head how bad he actually was. I knew he lived by himself and didn't do much but work and go home. Now I'm still wondering if I have a clue if I know how bad he is.

He left for rehab last Monday. The whole weekend before I told him how proud I was of him and gave him all the encouragement that I could. He kept saying he was ready to get it done and be able to start a new life. When he got back we could go from there. He told me I love you for the first time which was a huge deal to me and said it many times before he left. In fact that was his last text to me. Before he went he was concerned about how much we would be able to talk. He said he didn't want to go 30 days without talking to me. Well, the Monday he left I was a little surprised I didn't hear from him, then Tuesday came, then Wednesday, and on. I called the facility to see what their policy was for the patients to use their cell phones. The woman said they encouraged it because it was good support for the patients. She gave me the times they were allowed to have their phones and I kept looking forward to hearing from him. Never did. Finally on Saturday morning I saw him online on Facebook. I messaged him immediately asking if it was him. He told me yeah and said, "how are you?" Well, I was upset and I told him not good. He asked why and I told him I worried about him. He said he was sorry. I got so frustrated and asked him what was wrong and if they had him on meds because he didn't seem himself. He told me no they hadn't and for the first time in a long time he felt like himself. That's the last thing I heard from him.

Before Saturday i had sent him a couple of letters and a card just in case something had happened to his phone. They should be getting there today. I sent him a couple of messages stating that I was confused. Then the more I thought about it I felt I was being selfish. I wrote him one last email this morning apologizing for my selfishness and letting him know that I supported him and loved him, but I wouldn't bother him. He could get in touch with me when he was ready. So here I am...Still confused. Wondering how he could just completely cut off communication with me. I'm scared that since it's such a new relationship he won't want to continue it. I could handle that though. i just wish he would tell me something. Even if he would just flat out say that he won't talk to me until he is done at the rehab or that he needs time. ANYTHING would be better than me sitting here wondering. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I know it may seem like I'm making such a huge deal out of such a new "relationship" but I really thought this was finally something good for me and for him. We deserved to be happy together. I know he has to be better in order for us to have a healthy relationship. I just wish he wouldn't leave me hanging. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it his emotions he's going through? Is it something that passes in time? I keep having this thought that now he's not drinking that he has realized he doesn't love me and that he said he did because he was scared. I just don't know what to think and I miss him so badly. This last week was the first time we had gone even a day without some kind of communication. Any insight or advice is so appreciated. I'm really happy I found this website!

DreamsofSerenity

Yes, I have been through something similar! So I can completely identify with your sense of betrayal and pain.

My exabf was also a childhood friend. I tried to intervene in his out of control drinking with his family, and from one day to the next, he cut me out of his life completely, under the guise he is getting sober--he is not. This was a guy who purportedly loved me more than he had ever loved any woman in his life. I was shattered, not really because I lost him, but more because it was such a huge WTF??? I was left wondering who in the h*ll this guy I thought I loved even was. I felt like I had been in love with an ax murderer or something.

I'm not exactly sure what to tell you. I would like to say "Run for the hills! Change your number, defriend him on FB, and never ever look back!!" But I know how these things are. I had ample warning signs before everything came crashing down on me, all of which I ignored.

The first thing I think you should try to accept is that you never had him to lose him. You will read on here again and again that an active alcoholic is incapable of a real relationship, and that they are primarily in love with alcohol. For some reason this was very hard for me to accept, but it is absolutely true. I don't have any advice on how to facilitate the acceptance. Unfortunately, I think it has to come with time.

IMO, active alcoholics are so sick that they defy logical thinking. You probably can't stop trying to figure out why he told you he loved you, only to apparently change his mind a few days later. It's all related to his relationship to alcohol, and has nothing whatsoever to do with you! Please don't start wondering what you did or didn't do. It is not about you.

What kind of person would treat you as callously as this guy recently has? He is either sick, cruel, or totally self- absorbed. I completely agree with you: why couldn't he just write to you and explain what is going on with him? Personally, I don't think there is any excuse for this kind of disregard for people's feelings. I will admit though, that I am still angry and very short on compassion for the alcoholic and his selfish behavior. I think others on here will give you a more balanced insight into what could be going on with your friend.

The one positive thing in your story is that your friend is in rehab. I don't want to encourage you to wait around for him, but I suppose realistically anything could happen when he gets out. However, you definitely do need to keep giving him space to do whatever he needs to do to get sober. And think about whether you would want your kids around an alcoholic. Even if he gets sober, there is always a chance of relapse, and it will take a few years to even know if he has a stable recovery. Personally that is where I drew the line, as I could never subject my children to that kind of insanity. It caused many problems because he accused me of being "unwilling to commit."

Anyway, I would try to go on with your life as if you were never going to speak to him again. Waiting to see what happens with him isn't going to help anything. If he does come back to you, he isn't going to appreciate the fact you waited unconditionally for him while he was in rehab. Alcoholics don't think that way.

I made up my mind to quit obsessively thinking about my ex, stay in the moment, and live day by day. It has really helped me. I'm truly sorry for your pain. Please keep coming back here for as much support as you need.

CrossFox

I would add that IMO and experience, coalcoholics are capable of the upkeep of an appearance of a real relationship with an alcoholic. I am starting to wonder if these long relationships that some alcoholics have, are just exhausting power struggles?

Erika1968 goes on to say that alcoholics are incapable of logical thinking. I can think of several high achieving alcoholics whose work (engineering) does not seem to suffer, but their dealings with romantic partners is baffling.

I say "they" although I am an alcoholic as well.

Seren

Hello luckyclov78, Welcome to SR!

Early recovery is a very difficult and self-absorbed time for an alcoholic---it has to be. All other considerations tend to get pushed to the side.

I wish I could tell you that this man you care for will come out of rehab with a big bouquet of flowers professing his undying love for you, but I can't. None of us can.

What really helped me when I first arrived at SR was to read as much as I could and educate myself on the topics of addiction and recovery. I hope you will stick around! You'll receive tons of support here from people who have been through this before and can share their experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) with you

Welcome again! HG

DreamsofSerenity

That is a good point, Crossfox. He pretended he loved me, and I pretended I believed it even after all the times his actions clearly demonstrated he did not. And yes, I suppose it was a power struggle in a sense. I kept trying to save him while he was equally intent on destroying himself. The thing we agreed on is we were both trying to destroy me. That said, I'm not sure this applies to LuckyClov 78 as she is so new in the relationship. Is one a coalcoholic with all the coalcoholic behaviors so soon into the relationship? Doesn't that depend on one's past and past relationships? Is it impossible for a healthy person to fall for an alcoholic?( I was definitely not healthy, I am just genuinely curious about this...)

RevivingOphelia

LuckyClov,

I'm going to be blunt, here. Through his silence, he has given you every indication he does not wish to pursue a relationship with you.

No matter how hard this is for you, you must--for self-respect and healing--NOT contact him again.

People make their choices known in many ways, and his silence speaks volumes. You may never get the answers you seek; however, you can keep your dignity by walking away and not contacting him again.

fluffyflea

Try to carry on with your life, active alcoholics are so unstable,selfish, they just aren't logical. Do you really need this in your life?

Try not to invest yourself anymore in this.

luckyclov78

Wow, thank you all for your responses already. You have all given me a lot to think about. The good thing is that at this point I have not made any big life changes because of him, so I can get through this without it affecting me as traumatically as if I had moved back across the country for him. I feel very lucky that this all came about when it did. I fell for him fast. At this point I'm not sure though whether I fell for him or the "idea" of him. Regardless it's something I can move on from if I need to. It is a stab to the ego to think that someone could seem so genuine and that I could so easily accept everything he said to be his honest feelings.

I have dealt with alcoholics my entire life. Both of my grandfathers were both alcoholics and I watched my grandmothers put up with years and years of it. My sons dad is a recovered alcoholic. I was very young when I was with him and went through a lot of hell with him before I left. I also have a best friend who's dad was an alcoholic and another friend who is a recovered alcoholic.

One grandfather recovered through religion and sadly not long after he gave up alcohol he was diagnosed with MS and for the remaining 5 years of his life he and my grandmother dealt with that disease. My other grandfather is still alive and at 83 years old still an alcoholic and my grandmother still puts up with it. My sons dad quit drinking about 10 years ago. Just quit drinking cold turkey on his own and never picked it up again. He is now my best friend. My other best friend's dad died of liver failure. And the other friend I mentioned tried quitting over and over through rehab and that never worked. Ultimately he ended up driving drunk with his girlfriend and her 12 year old daughter and getting into a wreck killing the little girl. He went to prison. There he found religion and he says that prison and religion are the only things that could have ever made him stop.

It's just amazing at how it consumes people's lives and the people who love them. My "boyfriend"/friend comes from a very wealthy family and is blessed to have the things he has and be where he is at financially in life. He is struggling with that and told me he gets disgusted with himself because he knows he has it made but doesn't understand why he still turns to alcohol. The rehab he is at does not use the 12 step program. It's a very high dollar rehab in CA that uses a dual diagnosis method. I pray for him that it helps him. Right now I can see though that nothing but time will tell.

As for me I have always been a "fixer." For whatever reason I have always gravitated toward men who need "fixing." As you can imagine my relationships have always ended up rocky. That's another reason I was so happy that maybe this was going to work before I realized he had a problem. I thought finally I had found someone that I deserved. It's been a real blow just to come to terms with the fact that yet again it's not going to work out like I thought it was.

I'm not giving up on him completely. As I said in my original post. I emailed him and let him know that I did care for him and was leaving the rest up to him. I am not going to sit around and wait for him to decide to make up his mind or finally decide a good time to open up to me about what this has been with me though. I have a very good life I've built on my own and I will continue to take care of my kids and work hard. I can't say that I don't have hope that he might eventually come back to me. If that does happen I plan on moving slowly and not making any drastic changes in my life unless I am sure I can handle everything that may come along with him.
I am so thankful for all of your input. I will definitely stay around. I've thought about going to Al Anon not just because of this relationship but because of what I've seen and gone through my entire life. Maybe it would help?

One more thing...I also have another old friend who I just spoke to his mother about this past weekend. He also went through years of rehab and relapse. This last time he ended up staying quite a while. I'm not exactly sure how long, but I know it was longer than usual. Well, when I talked to his mother the other day she told me that he was now working for them as a counselor! And that he would be transferring soon to another facility to work for them. I just thought it was good to hear another instance that it has turned out really well for once. It's amazing to sit here and think about all the people I know who have been affected by alcoholism. If I sat here long enough I could probably write a book on the people I know of and their different stories and how differently they have each turned out.

Again thank you all for your input so far. I was not as confident about what steps I was going to take from here until I read what you all had to say and I will stay here along the way because I'm sure there will be more to this story...

dollydo

Have you read any books about Codependency or Adult Children Of Alcoholics? I, as the daughter had a 50% chance of becoming one myself or marrying one...I married 2 and have
experienced some serious waves of codependency. Your need to be a fixer is one sign of a codependent person.

This is a newer, long distance relationship, I would proeed with caution, his avoiding you is a red flag, and he said he now feels more like himself...I'd believe him, you have only known him as an alcoholic. I wouldn't ignore the red flag waving in your face.

There are stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, I would suggest that you read both.

Welcome, and good luck!

LexieCat

I'm going to give you a slightly different spin, more along the lines of hydrogirl's response.

Alcoholics in early recovery DO need to put their sobriety first. And relationships--especially new-ish ones, have to be put on hold for a while. I wouldn't be too harsh on him for not explaining this to you, and for not explaining "what's going on" with him. He probably doesn't know, himself, right now, and it's unrealistic to expect that kind of insight for at least several months.

I am four and a half years sober, myself, and have been in two marriages to alcoholics--one of whom has remained continuously sober for 33 years and the other who went back to drinking. So I have a pretty good idea what I'm talking about, lol.

If you think there is a possible future with this man, then I would encourage you to be patient. Don't put your life on hold for him or build plans around him. I would not uproot myself (and my kids) to be with him until he has at least a year of solid sobriety. Recovery CAN and DOES happen, but sometimes it does not "take" immediately, and, sadly, sometimes not at all.

I think Al-Anon for you is an EXCELLENT idea. Get busy on doing good things for yourself, and if this relationship is meant to be, it will develop in its own good time.

Recovering2

Okay, I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you're hanging on to the "idea" of this relationship vs the reality. You had a history with this guy, your families are close, you were homesick, you could move closer to your family, you could live on a ranch.

You sensed something was wrong. Facebook, text messages, lack of contact. The signs were there. His decision to enter rehab meant neither of you could be in denial about the issue anymore. He is now in treatment, and sending you a very clear message. He needs space. He has to learn to focus on his sobriety and a strong recovery program, that will be his #1 task when he is released.

This is the time for you to focus on you. There are some very strong co-dependency issues coming through in your post. Not a judgement, just an observation. We have all had those issues, I was a pro at it. Find an AlAnon meeting near you. Read the sticky's at the top of this post. Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Think long and hard about what is best for your children. Good luck.

Tuffgirl

I absolutely second this. None of us have any idea what will happen next, except that we can all tell you more will be revealed. However, the last thing you want to do is put undue pressure on him. If he doesn't want to talk, that is him not wanting to talk. It is no reflection on you or how he may feel about you.

Relax. Be ok with not hearing from him. Go on with your own life. And wait and see what happens next.

thislonelygirl

Wow.
I think given your post you should head to an alanon first of all.
Second im sorry for your situation but he doesnt want to talk.
That could be because of his sobreity and making changes to his life even if that change happens to be you or because of his sobreity in general.
Either way I feel you are making things worse on yourself. You should take this time for you while he does the same and prepare yourself forbthe likelyhood that theres nothing morevyo discuss with him.
Sorry itsvjust my opinion but I wish you all the well.
Who knows he may not wantbto talk because he has to face himself for the first time sober

AnvilheadII

That's the last thing I heard from him.

if i have this right, that was SATURDAY, today is TUESDAY, that's a total of FOUR days.

more than anything i suggest you look at your response in this situation. what happens to YOU after a day or two or four without contact. cuz that's all you can really do anything about......you.

you called the facility to double check on their policy. you tracked him down on facebook and then accused him of being on something because he hadn't contacted you (or as you put it, didn't seem like himself). you sent him 2 letters, a card, multiple messages and another email this morning.

he's only been in rehab since LAST Monday!!!! and he's not there to be your pen pal. he's there to deal with a life or death illness! if he wanted to contact you, he WOULD. i know that sounds harsh, but its' REALITY.

PippiLngstockng

What I can't help but wonder from your story is - what happened with whatever s.o. he was with before you? Was he married? Was there just recently someone in his life and it didn't work out (maybe because of his drinking/mean behavior/inconsiderateness) so he called you?

Sorry, but since leaving my STBXAH I know he's been meeting up with his old college girlfriend and telling her all kinds of half truths and worse...

Just wouldn't want a nice person duped my a seemingly innocent and charming but truly selfish and cruel addict like the man I married.

I'll say it...RUN for the hills!!!!!

luckyclov78

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! There is not one of you who has replied that I disagree with. I'm going to try to keep myself from being bitter towards him but am not contacting him. And I definitely plan to start attending AL ANON. I haven't seen any of your suggestions or opinions as harsh. These are all things I needed to hear and think about. I am so thankful for coming across this website. I wouldn't have ever found such good input anywhere else!

Rosiepetal

If he is serious about his sobriety then he must put that first in his life.
It is not wise to try & have a relationship with him at this stage.
If he is sober he will be going through a rollercoaster himself.
I recommend taking a big step back from the relationship & give him some space for his sobriety.
In the meantime try to focus on you & do some nice things for yourself.
His actions will speak louder than words so just wait & see what unfolds.

LadySage

Do you think he had an inkling of narcissistic behavior or NPD? I've had two such men cross my path who were both self destructive yet keen on destroying me with my own help.

redatlanta

I am "fixer" too but not anymore!!! People can be helped (if they want it) but they cannot be fixed. It took me 44 years to figure that out through Al Anon and SR. Try Al Anon - it will help you cope with this situation and may help you NOT to get into another similar as we fixers are always looking for new projects.

As for him - the advice given is good. Recovery is selfish and has to be. You really don't know the extent of his addiction, what he has been through and how it has affected him. Its unlikely that he would go to rehab unless he had a serious problem. He will be encouraged not to pursue a romantic relationship for awhile and its good advice. It doesn't mean he won't reach out to as a friend, just give it some time. When dealing with addiction I have found the best approach is to lower my expectations to nothing.

laya

you are in this new relationship and already he's showing his abusive behavior and making you anxious. i know it is easy for me to stand back and read your post and say i think you should do this or do that. however, i know from my own situation, it is not that easy for you. this is obviously someone whom you care deeply for. when i met my husband, he had a past of drinking and even some drugs. but when i met him, he was clean and sober. as the years went on, he began to drink. now i visit SR often since i found it a few days ago. i'm going to try and find Al Anon and attend - i keep reading it over and over. i do give this guy a thumbs up for attending a program. my husband can't even see his own problem. i agree with some of the others, that maybe giving him space like you mentioned above is the best thing now. you focus on you and let him focus on himself and getting better. you do not want to go into a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem. he says or texts hurtful things to you now. i will tell you that it would be much worse if you were married. i don't want to give out to much advice b/c i am just another person suffering the effects of alcoholism. i'm just offering my perspective and speaking from my heart.