How do you when its alcoholism or habit?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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How do you when its alcoholism or habit?
My AH doesn't seem to ever have withdrawals, if he does, he hides it well. He doesn't seem to have any of the symptoms of withdrawal, he has not drank in 2weeks today....he has gone longer before, not sure what happens...but he always ends up sneaking behind my back eventually. Is he good at covering up? Is he battling alcoholism or bad habit?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
non-alcoholics don't hide their liquor. In a situation when they can't or shouldn't drink--a non-alcoholic can easily forgo the alcohol without needing to sneak it. They also don't mentally obsess over getting the next drink.
The absence of observable withdrawl symptoms is not a reliable way to diagnose alcoholism.
sincerely, dandylion
The absence of observable withdrawl symptoms is not a reliable way to diagnose alcoholism.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Welcome unhappyspouse
None of us can diagnose your boyfriend but sneaking drinks is a red flag that most of us have had ourselves.
I think regardless of what he is, he needs to do something about it for the problem to be solved. Does he show any signs of wanting to do this?
Withdrawals are not often great indicators. For most of my 20 years drinking I rarely had withdrawals, not so that others could comment on.
D
None of us can diagnose your boyfriend but sneaking drinks is a red flag that most of us have had ourselves.
I think regardless of what he is, he needs to do something about it for the problem to be solved. Does he show any signs of wanting to do this?
Withdrawals are not often great indicators. For most of my 20 years drinking I rarely had withdrawals, not so that others could comment on.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Severe withdrawal symptoms is not something that you can go by. I am a RA. I could feel it, the night sweats, shakiness, anxiety, increased heart beat, etc...
But no one could really see this. They might have noticed things like maybe I lost my concentration, couldn't really have a whole conversation, but that also didn't always happen. So don't go by if the person doesn't have DT's, that this person is ok, or wasn't drinking, or isn't an alcoholic.
Just look at the actions, not the words. Go with your gut feeling. Do you trust this person, or will you be walking on eggshells?
But no one could really see this. They might have noticed things like maybe I lost my concentration, couldn't really have a whole conversation, but that also didn't always happen. So don't go by if the person doesn't have DT's, that this person is ok, or wasn't drinking, or isn't an alcoholic.
Just look at the actions, not the words. Go with your gut feeling. Do you trust this person, or will you be walking on eggshells?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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My exabf never showed any signs either, i finally figured out that it was because he was doing some other drug at the same time, like pot or pills or crack, so, one seemed to balance the other...if that makes any sense at all.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Not all alcoholics get visible withdrawals. The way alcoholism is defined in the Big Book is a mental obsession with drinking even when not drinking, and a physical compulsion to drink more when any is consumed. Nothing about physical withdrawal.
Some people experience withdrawal after drinking regularly for a relatively short period of time, and other people never do, even after drinking heavily for years.
The main concern with physical withdrawal is that it can be physically dangerous to stop abruptly. That's why medical detox is usually recommended.
Oh, and regarding the original question--the hiding is a clear symptom of an obsession to drink.
Some people experience withdrawal after drinking regularly for a relatively short period of time, and other people never do, even after drinking heavily for years.
The main concern with physical withdrawal is that it can be physically dangerous to stop abruptly. That's why medical detox is usually recommended.
Oh, and regarding the original question--the hiding is a clear symptom of an obsession to drink.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Thank you all for the feedback. I am not trying to make excuses for him, I just want to make sure I am looking at all sides for myself. He does shake some, but not bad. His dad had Parkinson's so that kind of throws me there. (I said kinda!) There is definitely a problem with alcohol and the counselor we went to told us it was alcoholism, he's just really strong and keeps his thoughts and pains to himself. He is very affectionate toward me and I know he wants to beat this, but he will not admit to it for me to help - I guess he thinks we are ok living like this.
To answer your question do I trust him - that would be no because of the years of him telling me he could stop and then sneak behind my back and lie to me when I would ask him if had been drinking. I know he is going to give me a hard time when I have the talk with him of us separating for a while. I have asked him for years to get help while i am "here"...I just want to prepare myself and educate myself so that there is no wishy-washiness on my part - hope that makes sense.
Thank you again for sharing your advice and your life experiences with not only me but others seeking knowledge and strength from you. I am so thankful to have found you!
To answer your question do I trust him - that would be no because of the years of him telling me he could stop and then sneak behind my back and lie to me when I would ask him if had been drinking. I know he is going to give me a hard time when I have the talk with him of us separating for a while. I have asked him for years to get help while i am "here"...I just want to prepare myself and educate myself so that there is no wishy-washiness on my part - hope that makes sense.
Thank you again for sharing your advice and your life experiences with not only me but others seeking knowledge and strength from you. I am so thankful to have found you!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I know you guys are going to drill me for the line "but he will not admit to it for me to help" I know that is my Codependent talking and I am working on that - :-P I just mean I am his wife and we should go through things together just as if it were cancer or any other disease - but we cant work on what he won't admit to. And by us working on it, would mean me going to Al-Anon and him AA.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It is not like cancer, this is a disease that has no cure, it is a disease of the soul, the mind and IF left untreated finally the body. He will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not. That is the bottom line.
Read the stickeys, read cynical one's blogs, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You don't have to wait for him to do something, you can start meetings now, there is no "we" in recovery, it is all up to the individual who has the addiction or the dysfunction to resolve their issue.
You can't fix him, you can only fix you. Learn all you can about alcoholism and codependency, there are two issues going on in your relationship, his and yours.
Read the stickeys, read cynical one's blogs, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You don't have to wait for him to do something, you can start meetings now, there is no "we" in recovery, it is all up to the individual who has the addiction or the dysfunction to resolve their issue.
You can't fix him, you can only fix you. Learn all you can about alcoholism and codependency, there are two issues going on in your relationship, his and yours.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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thank you - I am getting it, slowly but surely - I am sorry to sound so confused, but I am so confused - and hurt and do not like change, so I am just not very happy. I thank you all so much! Please don't give up on me!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
withdrawal symptoms do vary from person to person. But I also didn't want to see the signs of withdrawal or the signs of drinking. It's amazing what you don't see if you don't want to. I realize that when I thought (or hoped or believed) my husband wasn't drinking, he actually was. I'd be amazed that, with as much as he drank, he'd be magically fine so quickly. But when he claimed to be sober & not drinking, he was often still hiding it around the house & sneaking drinks. When I thought for a moment that he might be drinking, I didn't want to be accusatory or negative, so I squashed those suspicions...in hindsight, I was always right. I didn't need to find bottles or smell it to know. Trust your gut.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Whether he is an alcoholic or not really isn't the issue. His drinking is having an impact on you. The only thing you have any control over is your choices on how you want to deal with it.
For me, this forum and Al-anon where the foundation of my recovery. It turned my focus away from my wife's drinking and pill use and put it squarely on me, which is where it needed to be.
Your friend,
For me, this forum and Al-anon where the foundation of my recovery. It turned my focus away from my wife's drinking and pill use and put it squarely on me, which is where it needed to be.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I am learning so much here - thank you all so very much! I am at the crossroad, but now he is acting all fine and I cant tell if he is drinking, he says he isn't, but that could mean he is only drinking enough for me not to know!! He is so determined to make me believe that he is not addicted to alcohol and that he is okay. I trust you all to know that if he has stopped, it wont be for long - and also from all the other times he has "stopped" and started back.
I don't trust him and I hate that! It makes me mad at him and myself! I just don't know how to break up with someone especially for a problem that they say they don't have - how do I argue my point for us to separate, and do I wait for his next slip-up or should I talk to him now? And where does this put me legally? Because no one else would ever believe that he is an addict - just like I didn't for years and I live with him! Should I seek a lawyer before talking to my AH? Sorry for all the questions, but I seriously don't know how to start the break-up. I always think its going to be after the next time, and then after the next time, we talk and he says all the right things that I now know are not true.
I don't trust him and I hate that! It makes me mad at him and myself! I just don't know how to break up with someone especially for a problem that they say they don't have - how do I argue my point for us to separate, and do I wait for his next slip-up or should I talk to him now? And where does this put me legally? Because no one else would ever believe that he is an addict - just like I didn't for years and I live with him! Should I seek a lawyer before talking to my AH? Sorry for all the questions, but I seriously don't know how to start the break-up. I always think its going to be after the next time, and then after the next time, we talk and he says all the right things that I now know are not true.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Hey there. You have an awful lot of worries about having a good reason to break up with someone. The best and only reason you need to have is that you are unhappy in the relationship and don't believe that both of you can commit to making it work under the circumstances. Wanting out is enough. I am not sure why you feel so strongly that you must have a better argument? A more valid point? Your point is valid, and he doesn't have to agree with it for the relationship to be over. He doesn't have to believe that he has a problem with alcoholic for YOU to have a problem with him and his alcohol -- does that make sense?
You can hate that you cannot trust him, but being mad at yourself for feeling that way is self-defeating. The fact remains you do not trust him. Broken trust is not a problem that is easily overcome, and you have been through enough to earn your own lack of faith in him.
If you want to know what your legal options are, find a lawyer that will give you a free or cheap consultation, make an appointment, come up with your list of questions, and get some answers.
All that being said, and I mean this very gently, it sounds a little to me like you are not really ready to walk away from this relationship. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you seem to be putting imaginary roadblocks in your way to the door. That's okay. You don't have to decide right this second. It's hard to faith in your decisions when you are so confused and unsure of what is really going on. Now is a good time then to just start putting your ducks in a row if you ever do decide it's time.
I'm sorry things are so nutty right now, and I hope I haven't come across as hurtful. Please take what you want and leave the rest. I am rooting for you!
You can hate that you cannot trust him, but being mad at yourself for feeling that way is self-defeating. The fact remains you do not trust him. Broken trust is not a problem that is easily overcome, and you have been through enough to earn your own lack of faith in him.
If you want to know what your legal options are, find a lawyer that will give you a free or cheap consultation, make an appointment, come up with your list of questions, and get some answers.
All that being said, and I mean this very gently, it sounds a little to me like you are not really ready to walk away from this relationship. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you seem to be putting imaginary roadblocks in your way to the door. That's okay. You don't have to decide right this second. It's hard to faith in your decisions when you are so confused and unsure of what is really going on. Now is a good time then to just start putting your ducks in a row if you ever do decide it's time.
I'm sorry things are so nutty right now, and I hope I haven't come across as hurtful. Please take what you want and leave the rest. I am rooting for you!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I learned a new twist on an old phrase in AlAnon. "Don't just do something...Stand there!" Meaning, if you're confused and conflicted, it's okay to do nothing for the moment. Take the time now to start caring for yourself. Go to AlAnon. You don't have to make any major decisions today. Learn what you can, sort out your feelings. You will know when you are ready to make a decision, whatever it may be.
You don't need your spouse's permission to make decisions for yourself. You don't have to argue your point to separate. It doesn't matter if he doesn't think he's an A, you know he is. Period. He will be in denial, doesn't mean you have to be.
You don't need your spouse's permission to make decisions for yourself. You don't have to argue your point to separate. It doesn't matter if he doesn't think he's an A, you know he is. Period. He will be in denial, doesn't mean you have to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Feeling that "need of approval" and "not wanting to hurt someone" are two issues that I have to work on. I don't like conflict and that is why I have stayed and put up with this for so long, I don't know how he is going to react, either way he reacts,hurt or mad I don't want any part of, but I cant continue to stay for him. And what happens after we talk, the one who is leaving leaves right then? I know that sounds like a crazy question, but I have never separated/divorced before and I don't know how to go about it. He doesn't really have anywhere to go, and I am the one who is unhappy, so I assume I should be the one who should leave? Even though the reason that I am unhappy is because of his actions that he is in denial of! The whole situation just bites! We get along great and have our whole lives ahead of us, but I am not willing to stay in this one-sided marriage any longer...and it looks on the outside that it is me picking an argument. I know I shouldn't worry about what others think but I do - and that is another issue that I am going to have to work on! Thanks for listening and for any advice.
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And no, I don't think any of you are being too harsh - the truth is the truth! I appreciate your feedback so very much! And I will take what I need and leave the rest. I am so confused, but so thankful that I found this site, it has been ever so helpful!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I agree with Mike here - whether or not he is an "alcoholic" is not the issue. His drinking and I assume what happens when he does (or doesn't) is the issue.
How did the sneaking drinks thing come about? What happens when your husband drinks in front of you?
You don't have to argue the point of separation - its pretty straightforward 'I can't live with your problem anymore". If he says he doesn't have one - well, fine. He does not have to agree with you, nor is it your job to convince him. Its your decision as to whether you want to put up with it or not really doesn't have anything to do with him.
How did the sneaking drinks thing come about? What happens when your husband drinks in front of you?
You don't have to argue the point of separation - its pretty straightforward 'I can't live with your problem anymore". If he says he doesn't have one - well, fine. He does not have to agree with you, nor is it your job to convince him. Its your decision as to whether you want to put up with it or not really doesn't have anything to do with him.
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