ZiggyB

Today I had another codie relapse around the issue of the axbf and the new woman he is dating -- is she everything he always wanted me to be? More outgoing, more fun, more the type that likes to stay up all night at parties? Will she like his boozy friends? Will he be nicer to her than me (yeah, right)?

I remember when he said he couldn't imagine life without me.

I don't know why it still hurts so much...

DreamsofSerenity

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know how hard it is. Please try to see it was about his issues, and not your worth. *I don't know why it hurts so much either, but I do know it will pass.. Big hug!

Recovering2

I've read your posts lately Ziggy, and I can see you are on a path towards healing from your A relationship. You sound stronger, even mentioned enjoying the company of someone who isn't a big drinker. So don't be too hard on yourself if you have those moments when you go back in thoughts to that re'ship. Did you like staying up all night partying? Did you like his boozy friends? Her re'ship with him will end up no differently than yours did. At least you're moving forward, she still has all the pain to face down the road.
Big hugs....

ReflectingOnMe

Oh Ziggy, me too. I keep telling myself to give it to God. The thing is, when I pause and look at the REALITY of it - well, he and I simply do not belong together. He and his new gf; maybe they do belong together. Maybe they will be happy, get married and all the good things that go with that. If they do; it would hurt me; but I'd be happy for him. He is the same person today as he was 2 months ago. If we were together - he would still be critical of me, still smoke around me (even though I am asthmatic), still belittle my choice of things, still act superior to me. I DON'T want that and you don't either. Valentine's day is coming; which is what I'm thinking is leading to my own little walks down memory lane. So, yesterday I went out and found a beautiful silver and garnet ring at an antique shop. $12.50..I bought it. It is my valentine's present to myself. Hugs to you !

lillamy

I'm willing to bet she's one thing he always wanted you to be: Completely OK with his alcoholism. For now....

Rosiepetal

Hi Ziggy
It won't be all roses thats for sure.
I bet she's nothing like you, you are smart & have boundaries & this new women is not in a healthy relationship by dating an active alcoholic.
She will have all the same BS you had to put up with.
I know it's hard not to compare yourself but you honey are worth so much more.
Hugs.
:ghug3

brokenrose

Hi Ziggy, omg I've been having the exact same thughts bc I too just found out 2 weeks ago that he moved on to someone else and then embarassed myself further on Monday by calling him while my Dad was so ill in the hospital and got rejected again and of course he said "there is no other girl".....sure there's not, than who was the young blond you were seen with at the liquor store......." uggh. I hate that i'm alone and he's with someone new, and I too am having these crazy thoughs, that she goes to the bars with him and enjoys partying all night with him, she doesn't complain when he wants to drink all weekend, she loves his friends and they love her, and she makes him happy and apparently all I did was stress him out.....its an awful feeling and I want it to go away right now!!!! It has to get better Ziggy, and it will as long as we let it get better and stay strong.I am sure our replacements will go through their own hell soon...looking back it took about 2 months in for me to start feeling like something was wrong with him and he drank too much...she will see it soon. Wait til he starts calling her names and criticising her and eventually he (and yours) will hurt her by comparing her to us and saying how great we were....it will happen. We are the on the winning end Ziggy, those girls are on a fast train to hell. Hugs.

ZiggyB

Thanks for the support guys...

New girl might have no idea what she's in for yet since he would hide his booze from me a lot too. Maybe they both drink a lot but it just isn't the kind of life I want. Especially not the verbal abuse part

I am dating someone right now and the new guy does seem a lot more sane. I do not miss the drama coming from arguing all the time with an active alcoholic. I need to stay focused on the positive. *sigh*

ZiggyB

So very true... thanks! :-D

dandylion

I read some good advice o n one of the threads on this forum.
"Remember to play the tape (from the past) ALL the way through---the good times were not the ONLY times"

Good advice, I think.

sincerely, dandylion

Impurrfect

((Ziggy)) - I'm also an RA, but I turned to drugs to deal with "not being enough" for my XABF. He was a "functional alcoholic" but I always got to see the real him.

Several months ago, found out he'd gotten married to someone he was cheating on me with. My codie side kicked in...why did he marry HER? what did SHE do that I didn't do? Were they having the perfect life I'd always dreamed of?

A mutual friend (who is definitely more MY friend ) and her daughter, who I watched grow up, told me about it when we reconnected after several years. I told them "I was always thinking I could fix him" and they cracked up laughing, shook their heads, and said "oh, trust us, he is STILL not fixed".

I came here, posted about it and then thought about our 20+ years together. Why did he choose her? Because she's WAY more a codie than I ever thought of being, and I thought I was codie queen, by now!

I also realized that he couldn't HANDLE the person I'd become, thanks to all the people here. I have a back bone, I have boundaries. I now know that my worth isn't dependent on him.

I think you know that, too I'm going on 6 years in recovery for both my addiction and codependency and the codie-lapse totally threw me, but thanks to everyone here, and what I've learned over the years...She can HAVE him! If she's like me, where I drank to "put up or keep up" with him, she'll have her own demons to deal with at some point.

In the meantime, YOU are going to keep moving forward in your life, and at some point, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

ZiggyB

Amy-
Thank you... that is so helpful. I wish you nothing but the best.

Momzo

Big hugs to you ziggyb! I've felt that way too...but you know what...it's not us. I couldn't understand why he would be like that when I loved him sooo much! I'm starting to understand it now. He can never love anyone until he loves himself. So does he love her more than he did you? I don't think so because A's can't love. You saved yourself from more misery and wasted time. I know I did. This is my second and last break up with him. I'm sure he has many women but he don't have me 😊...and your exabf don't have you. We deserve respect and love too. Trust me, I still have my moments...but just like someone mentioned before..play the tape back..replay the good and many bad times.

Hugs hugs hugs 💕

Impurrfect

I have to say, I agree with ((Momzo)). When I was active, I not only did not love myself, I HATED myself. I wanted people around me who would enable me, give me what I needed/wanted.

I admit, I was a major codie before I turned to addiction, and I was always thinking of the other person. What I wanted/needed was no concern...I was all about THEM.

This forum turned that around for me. I came here as an A, found my "home" in this forum. It wasn't fast, it didn't always go as planned (I've backslid more than a few times), but bottom line?

I found me. I found out it was totally okay to take care of me first, others second or not at all. I live with my dad and stepmom (sm). She is addicted to pills...whatever will make her numb? She wants MORE!

I see me in her. I also see that enabling her just adds to her problem. Does she always like me? Oh no. Does she love me? She does, of that I have no doubt.

That's what hurts. She is a major codie (I don't hold a candle to her codependency)...dad was an A, first husband was an A who beat her frequently.

We've found a common ground and though I can't change her addiction or codependency, though we often argue over stupid stuff? There's just something there that she knows I'm not going after her..I care, but I will NOT enable.

It's only by reading/posting here, going to al-anon a few times (my schedule isn't permitting that, lately) and reading Melody Beattie's books that I got here. Took me decades.

I pray that no one has to go through the years that I did to get where I am. On the other hand? If it takes years? We are here

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

redatlanta

I was in a tug of war with my ex and another woman he was involved with. I remember one time he told me she said in reference to me "a touchdown was made but the game is not over". Well, she won the game. I used to drive myself crazy and hell I used to ask him what does she have that I don't????

Bottom line...she was willing to turn her head to his other life and let him do what he wanted when he wanted and I wasn't.

So she won the "prize" but I did win the game. Freedom from insanity. I must have done something right in life that the big man upstairs looked after me cause I fought like hell to keep him.

You will heal from this and be soooooo thankful one day its not your life anymore.

AlcoholicLove

ZiggyB-
You, and me, and everyone else her knows that this "relationship" will be no different than YOURS was with him.
She just hasn't seen all the garbage he put you through, but she will.
I predict there is a 99.5% chance this relationship will implode and it won't take long

Rest assured, YOU are the winner here-it might not feel like it now, but you are!

Fathom

I was my XAH's second wife, and I was significantly younger than him (16 yrs younger). His first wife was really smart, successful in her career, made a ton of money,... And she was one of the most insecure, crazy controlling people I have ever met. I had been friends with him (and her by association) for three years before he decided to leave her and we started dating. I really didn't question very much why he would not have been happy in that relationship because she was acting really nuts.

I remember, during those previous three years when we were just friends, I was never attracted to him. One, he was married, and I'm really not that kind of person. Two, he looked unhealthy. I didn't know what it was about him, but his skin tone just seemed a bit off. After he left his first wife, he suddenly looked so much better! I thought maybe that relationship was dragging him down so much, it was impacting him physically. He was quite literally a new man. We moved in together, and five years later we were married. I thought we had the strongest of relationships and that we would both be healthy because of it.

Now, play the tape forward another five years of marriage, and I have a much different perspective. She was crazy because he was an active alcoholic. He was unhealthy because he was an active alcoholic. When he left her, he cut WAY back on his drinking, and suddenly POOf! his skin tone no longer had that unhealthy yellowy tinge. Hmmm. I noticed it again in the months before I left him. I haven't had any contact with him for 9months now, but I honestly would not be the least bit surprised if he had already found someone else, probably a much younger someone else. And, he's probably looking much healthier and happier again. It's part of his cycle. It's difficult to see a cycle for what it is after just the first go round, but it's getting clear to me now.

Take care of you, Ziggy, and have faith that you are the healthier one here with a much better chance of long-lasting happiness. Their relationship may not last very long, or it may last much longer (like mine and many more of us who were with our As for over 20 years), but that does not change the fact that you were released from an unhealthy situation and that you have a much brighter future now because of it.

Many hugs,
Fathom

NYCDoglvr

When codies withdraw from their drug of choice (boyfriend), it's very painful. Suggest Alanon, which offers the loving help we need to save our own lives. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember, it's a process.

LexieCat

It sort of bothers me to think that bad things have to come to other people for someone to feel OK about herself.

SO WHAT if they are happy together? It takes nothing away from you--you already moved on. If he happens to finally find sobriety, it isn't because she is any "better" than you are, or that she was somehow "worth" getting sober for, while you were not. That isn't how alcoholism works. Alcoholics make a lot of excuses for their drinking about the relationships they are in. It isn't why they drink. And changing relationships doesn't get them sober. So don't worry about if they are happy together or not. It doesn't cost you a thing.

Become happy with yourself, and a relationship may add further happiness, but if you are unhappy, a relationship alone isn't going to do it.

ZiggyB

Lexie,
I do not think I am wishing bad things on him or his current love interest. I am trying to understand why it still hurts so much but I guess that has more to do with me than him/her/whatever.


-z