EnnuiStasis

I finally talked to hubby last Wed. about his alcohol problem, which went surprisingly well. At that point he'd been at his lower level of drinking for several days. We agreed for him to do a medically supervised transition since the doc was the one who had brought it up previously ~ (and I learned in talking to hubs that this has been a habit for 35+ years.) It would be a shame to just trade the alcohol problem with its health effects for a medical problem.

I thought he'd only had 3oz of hard liquor Wed., but found out later it was actually more. None on Thursday. And I really got the impression he'd decided to skip the medical supervision and just try to stop on his own. I was really torn. I want him to quit, but I don't want him to do it stupidly. I brought him 3oz late Friday night and he just thanked me & said he really needed it. We didn't discuss anything. He drank into the wee hours Friday night... said later he just couldn't seem to put the brakes on it once he got started. Saturday not so much, but not back to the "minimum" either.

We talked about it that evening, and I finally asked if his intention from Wed. had been to just try going cold turkey and doing things on his own. It was. I reminded him of the dangers of doing that and that we had agreed to do this WITH our doctor. (I had an uncle die during alcohol withdrawal at age 42, which is partly why I'm so cautious.) He was thinking that since he doesn't drink as much as his brothers and can sometimes maintain some moderation... and could go a day without ill effects it was all good. I'm not convinced ~ and that wasn't our agreement anyway.

So we discussed the "could happens" again and how withdrawal can be safely supervised. He suggested that the problem is hard liquor and maybe he could go back to beer and taper off. I reminded him that he went to hard liquor because he realized he had a beer problem and couldn't stop drinking. And actually it's an alcohol problem, so it doesn't matter what form it comes in. (Normally he's much smarter than that!)

He agreed to set up an appointment early next week when he has a day off and wants me to go with him. I'm cautiously optimistic. At least I don't feel like my head is going to spin around and blow off at this point ~ though I've been breaking out in hives every day since we first discussed this. He actually acknowledged that his "feeling bad, tired, achy" a lot of days isn't his job, it's being hungover ~ which was a pretty big deal.

I feel like I'm standing in line to get on one of those twisty, loopy, wild rollercoasters that make me feel like I'm going to throw up... where half the ride is hidden behind a building so you can't really see what you're getting yourself into. He's already a bit testy and we haven't even started yet, though the vodka bottle still isn't empty... which it usually is by Sat. or Sun.

Thinking about making an appointment with a therapist just to keep my own head on straight while this is going on. Might help and probably won't hurt.

This site has been a HUGE help already!

dollydo

He cannot do this on his own, nor can you do it for him. He has been drinking for 35 years, he does need medical supervision when detoxing.

As for you buying him booze, well, I can't say that is a good idea. What exactly are your bounderies with him?

I would suggest that you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. The stickys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, especially those related to bounderies and enabling.

Alanon meetings would also be helpful and therapy cannot hurt. Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.

Sending support your way!

EnnuiStasis

I've been trying to figure out our boundaries ~ actually wondering at times if they're a bit wide, since we're both very independent and do our own things. I knew he drank some when we got together 8 years ago, but so did I... and I just didn't pay attention to it until we were probably 2 or 3 years into the relationship. Part of it is that he doesn't do anything when he drinks, other than get glassy-eyed and fall asleep. It's almost always late at night, and sometimes I'm asleep before he starts. He's extremely controlled with it.

A few times over the next several years I wondered if he had a problem, or if his drinking was excessive, but still it wasn't causing any trouble and I thought maybe I was just over-reacting. (In my head. I don't think I even said anything to him then ~ just looked online to see what safe limits and averages were.)

I didn't "get it" that he had a problem until he started talking about cutting back and complained about the doctor talking to him about it. He'd gotten where he was breathing really weird at night too. Then I started wondering what was going on, how it was affecting his health, and just how much was he drinking? It was a whole lot more than I ever imagined, though I knew he had some every night. [My grandpa drank a little 8oz beer every night as long as I can remember--till he went in a nursing home in his 80's--but never more than the one, and that only at night.]

I knew when I took him the drink (I don't buy) that it was enabling ~ and it was partly to ease my own fears about dt's. It seemed like a rotten situation either way, though I guess if he started feeling bad he could have made that choice for himself. To be blunt and honest, I was tired, didn't feel good and had a headache and I just wanted to go to bed. I didn't figure I'd sleep if I was wondering about him having a seizure or something. [Fear of the unknown.] Gosh that sounds awful written out!

Thanks for the reference back to the stickys. I'm working my way through them.