High Functioning Alcoholic Mother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
High Functioning Alcoholic Mother
Hello...
I am 17 years old and still living at home. I have known that my mother is an alcoholic since I was about 12 years old. On the outside, our family seems "perfect" and I have always felt guilty for hating my mom and her lifestyle. I don't feel comfortable confiding in her at all, and i hate coming home at night because I know that she will probabaly be drunk or on her way. I have tried to confront her about this on several occasions, and she has always owned up to her actions and swore to stop. I never bring it up at all otherwise. She has not kept her word (ever), and i know she goes to AA and the people there think she has been sober for over a year and a half which is a complete lie... She is also a closet smoker and I know that she takes way more prescription pills than she is supposed to though I have never said anything to her about this and wouldn't feel comfortable. My dad occasionally drinks but it is not a hinderance and it doesn't bother me. I have really come to hate my mother becuase I can't trust her. I don't understand why I feel guilty and I feel like this is something I can't tell anyone? I wish she would stop and I wish she would understand how much it hurts me and bothers me. I feel like she loves all of these chemicals more than she loves me. I don't trust her word anymore because she has said that she will stop numerous times and doesn't. I dont know if she thinks i"m stupid and don't realize it, or if she really just doesn't care. i know that many people have it way worse than i do, but that doesn't mean i dont want her to stop. I am afraid to confront her for reasons that i dont understand- i guess i feel like she will be mad at me or hold it against me if i try to stop her... maybe i feel like it isn't my place.. i don't know. I don't really have the means to move out this summer (I'll be 18) but i really don't want to have to deal with this any longer. I just don't know what to do.
I am 17 years old and still living at home. I have known that my mother is an alcoholic since I was about 12 years old. On the outside, our family seems "perfect" and I have always felt guilty for hating my mom and her lifestyle. I don't feel comfortable confiding in her at all, and i hate coming home at night because I know that she will probabaly be drunk or on her way. I have tried to confront her about this on several occasions, and she has always owned up to her actions and swore to stop. I never bring it up at all otherwise. She has not kept her word (ever), and i know she goes to AA and the people there think she has been sober for over a year and a half which is a complete lie... She is also a closet smoker and I know that she takes way more prescription pills than she is supposed to though I have never said anything to her about this and wouldn't feel comfortable. My dad occasionally drinks but it is not a hinderance and it doesn't bother me. I have really come to hate my mother becuase I can't trust her. I don't understand why I feel guilty and I feel like this is something I can't tell anyone? I wish she would stop and I wish she would understand how much it hurts me and bothers me. I feel like she loves all of these chemicals more than she loves me. I don't trust her word anymore because she has said that she will stop numerous times and doesn't. I dont know if she thinks i"m stupid and don't realize it, or if she really just doesn't care. i know that many people have it way worse than i do, but that doesn't mean i dont want her to stop. I am afraid to confront her for reasons that i dont understand- i guess i feel like she will be mad at me or hold it against me if i try to stop her... maybe i feel like it isn't my place.. i don't know. I don't really have the means to move out this summer (I'll be 18) but i really don't want to have to deal with this any longer. I just don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 17
I'm so sorry for your pain. I am married to a very functioning alcoholic. He also goes to AA meetings and still sneaks around and drinks. I have recently started going to Alanon. It makes a world of difference. I found people I can talk to that know how I feel. Like you my life looks perfect. Keeping the secret takes a toll on you. Please find a Alateen to attend. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel. This is not your fault. Your mom is sick and nothing you do or say will make her quit. You need to concentrate on yourself and take your focus off her and the drinking. Take care and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
I realize it probably took a lot of courage to post here, so thanks for sharing your story with us.
I grew up with a mother much like yours. I didn't know what to do. (No internet when I was 17. :-) ) Luckily, you have us, and knowledge of Alateen. Please go. And continue to reach out to us.
I grew up with a mother much like yours. I didn't know what to do. (No internet when I was 17. :-) ) Luckily, you have us, and knowledge of Alateen. Please go. And continue to reach out to us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Having grown up with an alcoholic father many years ago, and in a family that looked just great from the outside, I really feel for what you are going through.
For me, it was enough to make me doubt myself because everyone else IN my family acted like the crazy things that went on were normal, even when I knew they weren't normal. And everyone OUTSIDE my family thought we were doing just great. What I learned is that it is okay, it is very important, to trust yourself and to believe in what you know is true, even if everyone else in your family denies it. YOU are okay, THEY are NOT okay. It took me years to learn and believe that.
The other thing in my family was it was a requirement that my father's drinking be kept a secret. I couldn't tell anyone outside the family. And that wasn't right. It is okay, it is great for you to come here and talk about what is going on in your life with people w,ho understand.
People who are alcoholics have a disease. They only have one possibility of stopping the disease: they can choose to not take the first drink. After that, the disease takes over and they put alcohol ahead of everything else. So it is not that your mother doesn't, at some level, love you and wish that she could be a better mother. It is that she can't get the courage and willpower to stop taking that first drink. And once she takes it, the disease of alcoholism takes over. Every day, she gets that choice again, but it is very difficult to fight the siren call of alcohol, and she hasn't been able to yet.
You didn't cause her drinking. You can't control her drinking. You can't cure her drinking. She has to do that for herself. In the meantime, you deserve to have some attention, love and caring, even if your mother can't be the one right now to give it to you. It is not your fault, and it is a shame that kids like you - and me - had to suffer as a result. But we can heal and grow beyond this.
It will help you to learn about alcoholism. When alcoholics have been drinking for a while, the alcohol makes them physically dependent as well as emotionally dependent. Your mother sounds like she is in this place now.
Can you talk honestly with your dad about your mother's drinking and how it makes you feel? If you can, or have an older brother or sister, or grandparent or aunt or uncle, find some time alone with them and see if they can listen and help you.
On the Families and Friends of Alcoholics main page, you will find what we call "stickies" - threads at the top of the page that cover topics that are useful for all of us. Browse through those, and you'll find a lot of information that will help you. You might also want to look at the Children of Alcoholics page.
Someone who grows up with an alcoholic parent as you are and as I did does suffer a lot and does not get the parenting they need and deserve. You can learn how to make up for that, and how to express what you're feeling so that you don't just swallow it.
Come back here as often as you want; I've found a wonderful compassionate caring community and I am sure you will too. You are not alone; we all understand.
ShootingStar1
For me, it was enough to make me doubt myself because everyone else IN my family acted like the crazy things that went on were normal, even when I knew they weren't normal. And everyone OUTSIDE my family thought we were doing just great. What I learned is that it is okay, it is very important, to trust yourself and to believe in what you know is true, even if everyone else in your family denies it. YOU are okay, THEY are NOT okay. It took me years to learn and believe that.
The other thing in my family was it was a requirement that my father's drinking be kept a secret. I couldn't tell anyone outside the family. And that wasn't right. It is okay, it is great for you to come here and talk about what is going on in your life with people w,ho understand.
People who are alcoholics have a disease. They only have one possibility of stopping the disease: they can choose to not take the first drink. After that, the disease takes over and they put alcohol ahead of everything else. So it is not that your mother doesn't, at some level, love you and wish that she could be a better mother. It is that she can't get the courage and willpower to stop taking that first drink. And once she takes it, the disease of alcoholism takes over. Every day, she gets that choice again, but it is very difficult to fight the siren call of alcohol, and she hasn't been able to yet.
You didn't cause her drinking. You can't control her drinking. You can't cure her drinking. She has to do that for herself. In the meantime, you deserve to have some attention, love and caring, even if your mother can't be the one right now to give it to you. It is not your fault, and it is a shame that kids like you - and me - had to suffer as a result. But we can heal and grow beyond this.
It will help you to learn about alcoholism. When alcoholics have been drinking for a while, the alcohol makes them physically dependent as well as emotionally dependent. Your mother sounds like she is in this place now.
Can you talk honestly with your dad about your mother's drinking and how it makes you feel? If you can, or have an older brother or sister, or grandparent or aunt or uncle, find some time alone with them and see if they can listen and help you.
On the Families and Friends of Alcoholics main page, you will find what we call "stickies" - threads at the top of the page that cover topics that are useful for all of us. Browse through those, and you'll find a lot of information that will help you. You might also want to look at the Children of Alcoholics page.
Someone who grows up with an alcoholic parent as you are and as I did does suffer a lot and does not get the parenting they need and deserve. You can learn how to make up for that, and how to express what you're feeling so that you don't just swallow it.
Come back here as often as you want; I've found a wonderful compassionate caring community and I am sure you will too. You are not alone; we all understand.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Welcome, Eagle - but sorry for the reasons you are here. No one should go through what you have to go through - whether they are 7, 17, 27, 57, or 77 years of age. It sucks, it really does. But you found this place, and that's a positive start.
Forget that your situation "isn't as bad as others" - the fact is, it's bad for you, and that's all that matters. Everybody in life has their own trials and issues, and yours are yours, and those are the ones you have to worry about.
You can't fix her, bottom line. Begging, pleading, crying, getting angry, guilting her, loving her, hiding bozze and cigs - none of this will do a darn bit of good to make her stop. She is who she is, and yes - her first love is the bottle, not her family; she has made that blatantly clear through her actions and reactions to what you've said/done in the past.
Are there counselors at school with you you can speak? Clergy member? Trusted family member? Chances are, people outside your family may know what's going on. Maybe try Alateen or Al-Anon. Do what you can to help yourself, because you can do nothing to help her. You are at a crucial point in life - you'll be going to college soon and need to know who you are and have your head on straight, and dealing with this crap at home without help is not the way to do it.
There are "Stickies" at the top of the page, look thru those, they will help. Heres one to get you started: The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)
Came her often, vent when you need to, keep an open mind to what you read, and take care of yourself. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Have you talked to him about these things? Any siblings? If your dad is sensitive to your situation, maybe he can get you into counseling to help you with this. You don't have to go it alone.
Peace to you, and come here as often as you'd like and ask whatever you need to ask. This is a great place for support.
C-OH Dad
Forget that your situation "isn't as bad as others" - the fact is, it's bad for you, and that's all that matters. Everybody in life has their own trials and issues, and yours are yours, and those are the ones you have to worry about.
You can't fix her, bottom line. Begging, pleading, crying, getting angry, guilting her, loving her, hiding bozze and cigs - none of this will do a darn bit of good to make her stop. She is who she is, and yes - her first love is the bottle, not her family; she has made that blatantly clear through her actions and reactions to what you've said/done in the past.
Are there counselors at school with you you can speak? Clergy member? Trusted family member? Chances are, people outside your family may know what's going on. Maybe try Alateen or Al-Anon. Do what you can to help yourself, because you can do nothing to help her. You are at a crucial point in life - you'll be going to college soon and need to know who you are and have your head on straight, and dealing with this crap at home without help is not the way to do it.
There are "Stickies" at the top of the page, look thru those, they will help. Heres one to get you started: The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)
Came her often, vent when you need to, keep an open mind to what you read, and take care of yourself. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Have you talked to him about these things? Any siblings? If your dad is sensitive to your situation, maybe he can get you into counseling to help you with this. You don't have to go it alone.
Peace to you, and come here as often as you'd like and ask whatever you need to ask. This is a great place for support.
C-OH Dad
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Hi Eagle - It is very brave for you to post, and I envy that strength. My psuedo-stepdaughter is 18 (and another that is 16) and have been living with an active alcoholic mother for the majority of her life. I wish they would check out this site, or attend Alateen of AlAnon. The folks in those meeting, as well as on this site, UNDERSTAND what you are going through, as many of them have been there.
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