janiebluebird

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You will waste your life trying to change him. Toughen up, and move on. You do not always have to be nice. Take care of yourself.

MamaKit

Shorty,
I remember this feeling well. Sadly, sometimes what we imagine as a "bottom" isn't even close to how low they can get before they realize.
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. ((((((((Hugs to you)))))))

MamaKit

laurie6781

Sweetie he is telling you who he is, BELIEVE HIM.

Now is the time for you to go No Contact.

Somewhere down the road if y'all are meant to be together it might happen, if you have worked on you (to figure out why it is so hard to SEE HIM AS HE IS, get into reality, etc) and he has been in recovery at least a year and his actions have changed.

So how about you find some Alanon meetings for You??? They can only help, and there you will meet people face to face that do understand and can walk this journey with you, rather than just in cyberspace.

Love and hugs,

shortayp18

I know i am officially not having any contact with him. But it just hurts all the things he has said to me the last couple days. Like saying he's not in love with me and to leave him alone and just stuff i would never imagine him ever saying to me. I think it's the alcohol talking but im not sure? It just hurts to know that hte person you were going to marry in 8 months choose drinking beer ( when he knows its clearly a problem in his life) over being with me. I know that alcoholism is a very powerful disease...but why wouldnt you want to help yourself and make your life better ? He would always say that i was trying to "Change Him" but i do not believe that. B/c a Substance does not define who you are as a person...correct??

bless5

No contact is difficult, but maybe the 24/7 contact you had with him was causing more emotional issues for him than he was able to deal with. Try to think of it this way: No contact could be your gift to him so he can focus on recovery.

Run to Al-Anon and absorb all you can.

LexieCat

Alcoholism is all-absorbing. When I was drinking, it was very much who I was. I defined myself that way. And, while I was drinking, that was pretty accurate. Alcoholism causes brain damage. Alcoholics do not think like normal people do. So it is really useless to expect them to. They do not see their misery, or they blame it on things other than their drinking. Or they recognize, on some level, it's the drinking, but aren't yet miserable enough to quit (you'd be surprised how much misery alcoholics can tolerate). I think, collectively, our best advice to you is to get to Al-Anon. He isn't ready to quit. You can only take care of you.

ShootingStar1

As LexieCat says, alcoholism does define the person. Alcoholism makes major and profound physiological changes to the alcoholic. Their brains no longer work the way a normal brain works. This shows up on some of the medical imaging of the brain.

It might help you to read a lot about the actual changes that happen to an alcoholic's body and brain. It is so hard, as a non-addicted person, to understand the power that alcohol has over a person. It is not just a choice to stop drinking; it requires an enormous amount of willpower to combat that "alcoholic voice" that calls them to drink like a siren call.

I am so sorry for your situation. It is devastating to watch the life you hoped to have with some just seem to self-destruct.

Time to start thinking about YOU. What you want for yourself, what kind of life you want, what you enjoy.

ShootingStar1

redatlanta

It sounds like to me he is cocooning - whether that is to drink or to reflect or to decide to get sober I don't know. But whatever he is doing for now he doesn't want you around, our immediate response is naturally hurt. I, standing outside of the box, see it as caring enough about you not to want to pull you down. A rare characteristic in an alcoholic.

If you continue to try to contact him you are going to get more of the same "I don't love you" - I certainly do not want to give you hope here - but I don't believe what he has said. What I do believe is he will say anything to push you away. And it will only get uglier if you try to talk to him.

So sorry - it hurts, I know. Sending you ((((hugs)))) it will get better soon.

ricmcc

I do agree with the posts suggesting that you distance yourself from him now in order to protect yourself, but would add the following bit: suicide threats should always be taken seriously, and given that he has already OD'ed on his anti-depressant, it is basically an emergency. I would suggest that, while not getting back into his life, you do as any person should do for anyone threatening self harm--speak to his doctor, and let him/her know about the drinking, and especially the suicide threats and the Zoloft OD. He has some serious mental health issues that must be addressed before he can have any hope of recovery from alcoholism (I say this from person experience). And again, I am not saying that you should get back into his life, just saying informing his doctor is the right thing for anyone to do for another person, regardless of their relationship. I do hope that you look after yourself, and wish you the best of luck---rick

shortayp18

I just found out from my friend...which is his best friends wife..that he has been doing heroine...he was begging his friend to take him to get some and his friend said NO. I cannto believe that he is really doing drugs while being an alcoholic. I have still had NO contact with him in a week and a day. HE has tried contacting me yesterday but i didnt reply. I know that this is NOT my problem but i deeply still care since we were together for 5 years. How do you even deal with this sort of problem as a family member or caring person? HIs mother gave him a help hotline # to call but i doubt he called or will . HE said he does not want help. ...

LexieCat

You deal with YOUR problems, not with his. "Caring" will not get him better. Rescuing him will not get him better. He has to be to the point where he is sick and tired of being the way he is.

He has a hotline number to call. He does not want help. You, however, can be saved. I hope you will go to Al-Anon. It will probably do you a world of good.