shortayp18

My fiance of 5 years is a alcholic. He became sober for 1 year when he went thru detox...but he did not continue with counseling or any help, he thought he could do it on his own. Well 8 months ago he relapsed and everything went downhill again...he said he really wanted to get help and he begged and cried to me. i was really concerned b/c men usually dont cry like babies..well he did. and he also threatened to kill himself multiple times. he went to a family doctor just to get into someone asap they prescribed him anxiety meds and anti depressants. He does have bad anxiety, and it runs in his family as well but he has never taken anything. we were not sure if he was depressed or if the alcohol was making him depressed..but of course the doctor prescribed them. so a month later he finally got into a alcohol dependency counselr and he went ONE time and he never went back. He said he was gonna try to drink once in a while bc he didnt want to just be sober. I trusted him and then 6 months later he started drinking more and then didnt come home bc he drank to much and did other things he regretted bc of drinking. I had enough at that point and i said i cant be with you if you choose to drink still. He said that he didnt want to stop...then we decided to break up...then he kept telling me that i shouldnt have gave him an ultimatum and that i should compromise with him if we love each other. So i finally said okay...and then he turned it around and said "No it wont work b/c i cant promise you i wont want to drink everyday for the rest of my life" So then we were back to square one..He stayed at his parents and he took off work for a week and drank solid for 2days straight. Then his parents said no more beer so they took it all away from him andhe was beggging and crying and threathening to kill himself again. He ended up going out to bars( which he never goes to ) b/c he had no other way of getting alcohol. Then he told his mom that he took 20 zolofts bc he wanted to hurt himself bc he has let everyone down. So right now we are not living together and its very stressful and confusing. HE told me that he knows what he should do but he prays he can be a social drinker. Which he knows he cannot be b/c he admitted to me that he cant just have one beer b/c then he wants more and more and more. And also he told me that he doesnt know as a person if he can promise to be sober for the rest of his life, nor does he know if he's ready for that. So i am just so heartbroken and confused....at this point everyone is supporting me and helping but its so hard b/c he is such an amazing person..hard worker..loving..caring..the person i would wanna spend my life with. But drinking just gets out of hand alot. And i cant deal with that forever and worry all the time. I need advice and your opinions please. Thanks

Rosiepetal

So sorry this has happened.
Maybe the question you need to ask yourself is are you prepared to live like this forever?
I know you love him but you must put yourself first.
Maybe you've tried your best & it is time to leave, let go & love him from a distance.
It's such a horrible horrible disease.
Bigs hugs to you.
:ghug3

MNKel

It is so crazy how so many of our stories are exactly the same. The perfect person, the one we can see ourselves with forever.. except for this one "little" HUGE thing. Alcoholism is so scary, sad, heart breaking. My ABF (ugh first time I've used that) isn't a social drinker either, when he drinks, he drinks by himself, he doesn't want to and if there was a magic pill for him to take to make him stop he would. He has been very honestl with me and walks me through his entire thought process. He warns me that he is going to start to beg, he is going to tell me anything that I want to hear.. to not let him. He has begged me, he tell me how much he needs it.. how much it hurts. It is absolutely crazy to watch, and again heart breaking. I', sorry you are going through this, but I am in the same scenario. It's such a heartbreaking thing.. my heart literally hurts just thinking about it. Why can't we just walk away, we know it is the right thing to do.. but then.. what if it isn't. Sorry hun.

LexieCat

Sorry you're in this position, but a lot of us have been there.

The way he is right now is the VERY BEST he will ever be again, unless he recovers. It's possible he will get there--his life is becoming progressively more messed up, and that's what it takes for most alcoholics--complete desperation. Unfortunate fact of life.

The best thing you can do is to stay out of his life for right now, and to concentrate on your own life. I strongly suggest Al-Anon to help you sort out what you are feeling and to get to where you can make calm, healthy decisions for yourself.

If he gets better, and gets some good, solid recovery going you can revisit the idea of a relationship with him. But he's a train-wreck right now and you don't need to be in the middle of it.

marie1960

XA told me repeatedly, I LOVE drinking, I will NEVER quit drinking, This is who I am.

In retrospect, sure wish I would have believed him sooner, could have saved myself alot of heartache.

This is life with an active addict, they will choose the booze EVERY time.

Let go of the fantasy, you are in love with who you want him to be, not who he truly is.

Sending you support.

shortayp18

he said that he is not ready to stop right now and he wants to be him. HE said he has been tryign to make everyone else happy for so long and he just cant do it anymore.

MamaKit

Believe him! He is giving you a gift by telling this truth. It's better than the gift-wrapped lies and manipulation that so many of us here have received.
Take care of yourself and do what is good for you.
Hang in there.
MamaKit

LexieCat

I agree, at least he is being honest about that.

For right now, about all you can do is take him at his word.

Recovering2

There is nothing you can do. He is telling you he will continue drinking. Life will only become more chaotic, not less. This is a progressive disease, it does not stay stagnant, it gets worse. When someone shows you who they are...believe them. The fantasy is the nice great guy. The reality is the Alcoholic who will lose everything and everyone for that next drink.

You are fortunate that you're not living together. The only person you can save is you. I would honestly say if he's telling you he's going to continue to drink then you are best to cut your losses and move on. Unless you want to spend your life on this roller coaster. Find an AlAnon meeting, read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Post on here as often as you need. But honestly, he has made your situation crystal clear. He's an active addict, and he intends to stay that way.

shortayp18

I just feel so lost right now...its the worst b/c he can be such an amazing person if he was sober...and he was sober for a year and thats when he proposed to me. And its so hard to just walk away and not talk to him b/c we literally talked 24/7. We were always texting each other every couple hours..and now its just soooo hard to not to. But i know i cant just give in and be with him bc it will only get worse

Katiekate

Don't become his enabler, his parents caught on real quick, if you love him , allow him to feel the consequences of his actions.

Don't sign on for years of this, truly it is not worth it.

shortayp18

Im trying not to enable it...but i also thought maybe he would want to turn his life around b/c he is losing everything..our house..his car...his fiance...and im just hoping and praying that he can realize that to better himself he needs to get help. I just wish it was 6 months from now and hoping he would change..

LexieCat

Some alcoholics lose everything and still keep drinking.

No, it makes no sense, except in the context of alcoholism. This is what happens.

shortayp18

How do i stop talking to someone that ive talked to every day all day for 5 years?? Thats my struggle right now....i just keep getting hurt by talking to him

redatlanta

How? You just STOP.

It takes a tremendous amount of self control. It doesn't happen overnight. You start slowly by not picking up the phone anymore, not returning texts immediately, stop sharing every detail of your life with him, start making decisions without talking to him about it, .....in other words....you go through the process of detaching.

Set rules and boundaries for yourself - simple ones. Such as if he texts you do not return the text for an hour (preferably not at all but that will come eventually). I went through this in my last relationship. My detachment process began when I started turning the ringer on my phone off when I was home.

Sorry I know this is painful - it is possible to get a grip on it and move along.

MarliMac

This is such good advice. I started making rules for myself like 24 hours must go by before I answer an email. NO answering the phone. If he calls, I let it go to voicemail. If he doesn't leave a voicemail, I don't respond at all. If he leaves a voicemail, I can consider what he says and MAYBE answer in an email the next day.

You really do have to get off the A merry-go-round and think of your own emotional health first.

shortayp18

well at this point he is telling me to leave him alone and move on...and telling me he doesnt love me anymore. We were together 5 years and getting married in 8 months.. i think the alcohol is talking? Its just so hard b/c i just have to loose contact with him all together and let him suffer. But everyone in his family and friends say he's going crazy now. He is yelling and getting very angry that everyone is trying to change him. I'm more sad then mad b/c of all the stuff he has told me which i know it cant be true about him not loving me anymore. He just says " im choosing to drink my life away and i dont want you to be apart of it." and i told him " i will always be here for you when you need someone to help you just like i was when no 1 else was" and he was like "okay ill see you at my funeral" what an *******. ugh im so fusterated that my life just turned all the way around.

Momzo

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He shouldn't be talking to you like that. It's obvious he's feeling sorry for himself and wants to take you down to.

shortayp18

well he said he doesnt want to take me down with him thats why he told me to leave him alone and dont talk to him anymore. but thats so difficult b/c for 5 years of my life thats all we did was talk non stop. so its hard to just competely stop Deep down inside i hope that he gets worse so that he realizes he needs to get help....

Momzo

Sorry I misunderstood. I know it's hard..all of us here went through it or are going through it. I was engaged to my exabf and kicked him out before Christmas...it's hard...I love him very much, but I couldn't marry him because he couldn't be there for me emotionally.