When to say "you can come home"?

Old 01-31-2013, 10:08 AM
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Location: Ohio
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When to say "you can come home"?

I posted earlier this week, so if you can reference that to help give me guidance. AH has been gone since Saturday night. AH has gotten set up with counseling, continues to go to NA and when I talked to him he says he has still not used any alcohol or drugs. He says he's sorry and wants to come back home. I was able to share my feelings with him when I talked to him the other night. I'm stuck at when to let him come home. My sponsor is divorced and she says it's hard for her to see how I'm going to stay well if he's still sick. She tells me that I need to see a commitment from him to working on himself and working on our marriage before I let him come back. I don't know what more I am looking for.... he's back in counseling and continues to attend NA meetings. I guess I am stuck and looking to see what others' thoughts are.
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Old 01-31-2013, 10:28 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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You know him better than anyone. If what he has done for himself and you is good enough, give him a try. Your gut instict usually is the best. Sounds like your ready to let him back in? Best of luck!
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Old 01-31-2013, 10:34 AM
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Well... the thing is he can come back home any time but he's asking for your OK.

If I were in your shoes I'd probably make a list - here's the deal if you want me in your life and here's what happens if you can't keep your commitment. No punishment or blame, no emotion to it... just cause and effect.

When my beloved AW had a slip while pregnant I made her pretty angry - told her sponsor, let family know and quite honestly violated her boundaries and rights without hesitation because our unborn son was at risk and danger to the cubs throws my sense of fairness out the window.

The boundary we have now is that if she starts drinking she has to leave until she gets well, preferably in rehab but that would be her problem, mine would be dealing with my responsibilities and hers and caring for an infant so I would not have time to deal with her issues if she was not willing to get help. She mentioned the other day that she believed every word I said when I told her that any further slips while pregnant would mean me doing my level best to force her into a hospital until BB was born and any slips afterward while breastfeeding and I'd let her choose between rehab or me calling CPS and having her dragged out of here.

Is that me? hell no, I am a teddy bear but on that issue I wasn't screwing around.

Today? The boundary is the same - you can be part of this family or not. We love you and want you and need you but if you decide to start drinking add 'We'll miss you' to that list. If she has a drink today will I kick her out? Nah... not if she went right back to AA and called her sponsor and seemed to have learned from it but that's because her pattern has been progress. If she slipped repeatedly and did not change SOMETHING that gave me reason to believe she was seriously working on recovery then I just can't live that way...

But that's me, not you.

What can you tolerate and what can't you tolerate? What I learned here is that I had to learn to set boundaries for myself and the kids and enforce them lovingly. My wife said it was unfair to say that is she starts drinking I'd make her leave without the baby. I told her it would not be punishment - if I get a brain tumor that makes me dangerous to my infant son then it is her responsibility to intervene and protect ME from an accident that i could never forgive myself for. She doesn't love that but she does understand that.

...When I kicked her out she was back in a couple weeks, relaxed on meetings and white knuckled for a bit then got serious when she got pregnant and I barked a bit. It was after she slipped while pregnant and I did not catch her til months later that I think her recovery took off. Suddenly she was doing two meetings per day and working the steps and got hardcore on AA with no push from me.

...I think that's the key really, when his recovery is more important to him than it is to you then you are headed the right way, he can't do it for you or anyone else.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:27 PM
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I agree with your sponsor. He must prove he's changed and it takes a lot longer than a month to do it. I suggest waiting at least six months and being sure he's going to meetings, has a sponsor and seriously working a program. Talk is cheap, alcoholics are full of words and promises. Protect yourself and the hard work you've put into working your own program.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:49 PM
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I'm no angel!
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What's the rush? I agree with NYC, give it time...lots more time.
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Old 01-31-2013, 04:17 PM
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I would need to see longer than 5 days in recovery.

I agree with your sponsor - you have to get healthy too.
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Old 01-31-2013, 04:49 PM
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A work in progress
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Totally up to you, of course, but regardless of what issues he may be dealing with, HE is the one who announced he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore, which is why you suggested some time apart, and he went, without a peep.

Now, considering that you're already apart, my own inclination would be to continue the status quo until he figures out where his head is at. And until YOU'VE had a chance to assess whether this is just his getting cold feet about starting a family (not unheard of, it's a big responsibility and he may be questioning whether he is up to it) or whether this really is the harbinger of bigger issues.

Maybe a little marriage counseling in the meantime couldn't hurt?
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Old 02-01-2013, 06:03 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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My AH has been living separate and says he is sober for the last 4 months. He is still not ready to come home. How do I know? He does not treat me with respect, kindness or dignity. He blames me for his problems. He continues to try to control me financially and with intimidation. At the beginning I was really scared about being separated. Now, I see this as an opportunity for both of us to become healthy without any pressure before making decisions about our marriage.

it's hard, but I think that there is no harm in waiting, but perhaps some in getting back together too soon.
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