so nervous
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Blaine, MN
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he has been to regular rehab, He is where he is because he didn't have health insurance and when we looked for regular rehabs, they are quite spendy for even someone who has money. and as I said that I don't think I'm the exception to the rule. I think it is very likely that within hours or days it will all be over. I'm here to have an outlet for my thoughts from those who have been through it before.
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Hi MNKel, you are very brave to post all of this here.
I hope you show your kids that their Mom is deserving of a full-time partner and she knows it!
He's an alcoholic who doesn't seem to be able to stop drinking. It's not about you.
But your choices should be about you! Hugs.
I hope you show your kids that their Mom is deserving of a full-time partner and she knows it!
He's an alcoholic who doesn't seem to be able to stop drinking. It's not about you.
But your choices should be about you! Hugs.
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I was reading this post and debating whether I was going to answer it and decided obviously I would.
Right now I'm in therapy, we are talking about, rather than me depending on outside influences and OTHER PEOPLE to feel good I have to depend on myself and my good feelings need to come from inside of me. When I depend on outside influences for my happiness and other people I'm giving away all my power. In fact I have no power in my own life to begin with when I depend on outside sources.
I say this because you mentioned how he takes care of you and makes you feel comfortable and brave. In reality you don;t need him to do that for you, you can do that for yourself. You are giving away all personal power to him and by doing this you are dependent on him. It makes it all the harder for you to see this situation clearly.
Right now I'm in therapy, we are talking about, rather than me depending on outside influences and OTHER PEOPLE to feel good I have to depend on myself and my good feelings need to come from inside of me. When I depend on outside influences for my happiness and other people I'm giving away all my power. In fact I have no power in my own life to begin with when I depend on outside sources.
I say this because you mentioned how he takes care of you and makes you feel comfortable and brave. In reality you don;t need him to do that for you, you can do that for yourself. You are giving away all personal power to him and by doing this you are dependent on him. It makes it all the harder for you to see this situation clearly.
Originally Posted by MNKel 
I do completely understand where you all are coming from. I do have a good job and I've done okay for myself. I have my kids half time, the rest they are with their dad. To be very clear when he was around my kids he did not drink. When my kids where home I would not allow him to be around.
My problem is that he takes care of me as much as I take care of him. He makes me feel comfortable and brave. He is educated, he comes from a great family. He was a teacher and he worked with kids to encourage teamwork and trust, he is absolutely great with kids and he encourages and supports me. I've never felt like he's taken advantage of me financially. He has his own money and I have mine.
We talk about all of this and he seems to understand. He has a plan for when he gets out.. AA meetings, a program through a church we have attended, he's got prescription recommendations for when he gets out to help with recovery. I know that this is all talk and it needs to be based on actions.
I am not at all trying to make excuses for him, but I often feel like he takes care of me also. I'm not a super outgoing person, I don't often step out of my comfort zone, but he is continually encouraging me.. I've tried so many new things since I've met him.
I know I am wishful thinking, and I truly strongly believe that when the times comes and he does drink that I am strong enough to walk away. I've told him this. I don't want to know him. I don't want to know how is, where he is.. anything. Many of his ex's he stays in contact with.. he sends them the "Hazelden thought for the day" so they know he's okay. I told him I don't want them. If I'm not with him, I don't want to worry about him anymore.
I speak out of two sides of my mouth, I know.. I have my fantasy land with him, and then my realistic understanding of how quickly this could end. I can say that I have learned things from him.. if I'm not with him, I think he has still touched my life and my kids lives in a positive manner.
My kids don't know where he is.. they don't know what we were dealing with, as I said they were not here.
My problem is that he takes care of me as much as I take care of him. He makes me feel comfortable and brave. He is educated, he comes from a great family. He was a teacher and he worked with kids to encourage teamwork and trust, he is absolutely great with kids and he encourages and supports me. I've never felt like he's taken advantage of me financially. He has his own money and I have mine.
We talk about all of this and he seems to understand. He has a plan for when he gets out.. AA meetings, a program through a church we have attended, he's got prescription recommendations for when he gets out to help with recovery. I know that this is all talk and it needs to be based on actions.
I am not at all trying to make excuses for him, but I often feel like he takes care of me also. I'm not a super outgoing person, I don't often step out of my comfort zone, but he is continually encouraging me.. I've tried so many new things since I've met him.
I know I am wishful thinking, and I truly strongly believe that when the times comes and he does drink that I am strong enough to walk away. I've told him this. I don't want to know him. I don't want to know how is, where he is.. anything. Many of his ex's he stays in contact with.. he sends them the "Hazelden thought for the day" so they know he's okay. I told him I don't want them. If I'm not with him, I don't want to worry about him anymore.
I speak out of two sides of my mouth, I know.. I have my fantasy land with him, and then my realistic understanding of how quickly this could end. I can say that I have learned things from him.. if I'm not with him, I think he has still touched my life and my kids lives in a positive manner.
My kids don't know where he is.. they don't know what we were dealing with, as I said they were not here.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
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I agree that you are setting yourself up for heartbreak, as well as exposing yourself to enormous risk. However, I say that without judgement because if it were me, I'd probably do the same thing. Then when he inevitably drank again, I wouldn't be able to kick him out.*
You did give him a safe place to drink previously; he won't forget that. Sometimes I think these a's know us better than we know ourselves. He will soon figure out how far he can push things with you, and how to talk his way out of any slip-ups. If he's sober for six months, you are going to be even more invested, and your boundary of absolutely no drinking in the house will be even more difficult to maintain. Ask yourself if you want to live with the constant worry and dread of relapse. Everytime he kisses you, are you going to try to smell alcohol on his breath? Are you going to snoop through his receipts, and wonder all day while you are work what he is doing? That is not serenity for YOU.*
IMO, you should dive heavily into Al-Anon and appeal to your HP for guidance and strength.
Blessings to you! *
You did give him a safe place to drink previously; he won't forget that. Sometimes I think these a's know us better than we know ourselves. He will soon figure out how far he can push things with you, and how to talk his way out of any slip-ups. If he's sober for six months, you are going to be even more invested, and your boundary of absolutely no drinking in the house will be even more difficult to maintain. Ask yourself if you want to live with the constant worry and dread of relapse. Everytime he kisses you, are you going to try to smell alcohol on his breath? Are you going to snoop through his receipts, and wonder all day while you are work what he is doing? That is not serenity for YOU.*
IMO, you should dive heavily into Al-Anon and appeal to your HP for guidance and strength.
Blessings to you! *
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Blaine, MN
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
He is where he is because he didn't have health insurance
He's in jail because he doesn't have health insurance? WoW
He's in jail because he doesn't have health insurance? WoW
Thank you to all for all of you who are understanding of my situation.
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