Want to contact xabf
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Want to contact xabf
Hi guys
Oh this is so hard. I haven't contacted my xabf in 2 days and it feels like a lifetime.
He only moved out 9 days ago so it is still very raw to me. The last conversation 2 days ago was horrible, he shouted and denied he has a drink problem Surprise Surprise!! I guess I hoped that by kicking him out he would realise what he has lost. And while he still said he loves me, he added that I am "living in a bubble" as all our friends drink as much as he does. The reality is that most of our mutual friends are married, have children or cohabiting. Only two of his single friends party and drink like him.
Oh I know it's pointless to phone or text him but it doesn't stop me wanting to as I miss him so much. The house is cold when I get home from work, our bed feels so big without him and I miss just chatting to him.
I know time will make me feel better, but right now I'm really struggling. I don't want to go to bed alone, again!!!
Oh this is so hard. I haven't contacted my xabf in 2 days and it feels like a lifetime.
He only moved out 9 days ago so it is still very raw to me. The last conversation 2 days ago was horrible, he shouted and denied he has a drink problem Surprise Surprise!! I guess I hoped that by kicking him out he would realise what he has lost. And while he still said he loves me, he added that I am "living in a bubble" as all our friends drink as much as he does. The reality is that most of our mutual friends are married, have children or cohabiting. Only two of his single friends party and drink like him.
Oh I know it's pointless to phone or text him but it doesn't stop me wanting to as I miss him so much. The house is cold when I get home from work, our bed feels so big without him and I miss just chatting to him.
I know time will make me feel better, but right now I'm really struggling. I don't want to go to bed alone, again!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi
A lot of us know the feelings & what you're going through.
The fact that your xabf is still clearly in denial & casting blame shows that you made the right decision.
If he wishes to get sober he is going to have to come to that decision himself.
I found educating myself on alcoholism helped alot as does being a part of SR & reading & posting here.
It's time to try to focus on yourself.
When I was in the throws of wanting to contact my xabf I had to break down my day & just focus on getting through one hour at a time.
Hang in there, we know its hard but don't contact him, it will bring more pain.
A lot of us know the feelings & what you're going through.
The fact that your xabf is still clearly in denial & casting blame shows that you made the right decision.
If he wishes to get sober he is going to have to come to that decision himself.
I found educating myself on alcoholism helped alot as does being a part of SR & reading & posting here.
It's time to try to focus on yourself.
When I was in the throws of wanting to contact my xabf I had to break down my day & just focus on getting through one hour at a time.
Hang in there, we know its hard but don't contact him, it will bring more pain.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Oh how I feel for you and recall being there as of it was yesterday! All I can offer is that I broke many many times and it never got me anywhere! I wish I had done things different and stuck to my guns. Maybe things would have been different maybe not but one thing is for sure in my situation w my XABF they got worse...he got worse and back forth got worse! Everyone is different and every sitution is different! Give this sometime! If nothing more try to say....just for today I will not contact then do it each day! Lol
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You couldn't make him stop when he was with you, and you won't be able to do it now that he's left, either.
It's always hard to deal with the end of a relationship, no matter how good your reasons were for ending it.
Be good to yourself, and remember that he could not give you the kind of relationship you deserve. I used to go from one relationship to another just because I felt that I had little value unless I was in a relationship. That is so wrong, and now I shake my head that I ever believed that. I haven't been in a relationship for seven or eight years now, and really I have never been happier with my life.
It's always hard to deal with the end of a relationship, no matter how good your reasons were for ending it.
Be good to yourself, and remember that he could not give you the kind of relationship you deserve. I used to go from one relationship to another just because I felt that I had little value unless I was in a relationship. That is so wrong, and now I shake my head that I ever believed that. I haven't been in a relationship for seven or eight years now, and really I have never been happier with my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Sassydog you are right. Just for today I will not contact him!!
Oh it's so hard tho, I wake at night thinking he is here, I hear my phone ring and for a split second think it's him!! Missing all the great things about him but have to quickly remind myself of the nights I didn't know where he was or how drunk he would be when he came home.
Ok, I've got to be strong ... for today I will not contact him!
Oh it's so hard tho, I wake at night thinking he is here, I hear my phone ring and for a split second think it's him!! Missing all the great things about him but have to quickly remind myself of the nights I didn't know where he was or how drunk he would be when he came home.
Ok, I've got to be strong ... for today I will not contact him!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I have to remind myself ...it was a life of HELL! I can even recall at times thinking if ever I get myself out of this crap....I am going to remind myself just how bad it was which it was bad! I had this allusion which I still fight with and creeps up but need to remind myself of reality! He is who he is and I loved who he could be! Two very different people!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Sassydog 
He is who he is and I loved who he could be! Two very different people!
The guy that I asked to leave is not the guy that I moved in with. The guy who left was angry, hungover and not participating in our relationship.
The guy who I fell in love with and lived with was a sweet, caring and loving one. I keep thinking back to a time when I broke my arm and he looked after me so lovingly. But when I was sick a few weeks ago he wouldn't answer my calls and came home drunk at 7am the next morning.
I'm so sad about it all and just want to have a peaceful nights sleep.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
When a significant other leaves it is easy to only think of the good times and miss them. You miss talking to the person, sleeping with the person, doing errands with the person, etc.
Reality is, for most, that when that person was there...the person was drunk/passed out all the time, only talked when there was a fight, never came to bed to cuddle just to pass out, and asking them to go to a store for an errand wasn't worth the fight.
I don't know if this applies to your situation, but just remember, it wasn't as good as you're remembering it. We have selective memory when we miss someone. Try to commit to going no contact for 2 or 3 weeks and I have a feeling that after that you probally won't want to contact him anymore.
Live your life and try to enjoy the little things. The quicker you start taking care of you, the quicker you will realize that you are worth so much more than the hell that comes with addiction.
Reality is, for most, that when that person was there...the person was drunk/passed out all the time, only talked when there was a fight, never came to bed to cuddle just to pass out, and asking them to go to a store for an errand wasn't worth the fight.
I don't know if this applies to your situation, but just remember, it wasn't as good as you're remembering it. We have selective memory when we miss someone. Try to commit to going no contact for 2 or 3 weeks and I have a feeling that after that you probally won't want to contact him anymore.
Live your life and try to enjoy the little things. The quicker you start taking care of you, the quicker you will realize that you are worth so much more than the hell that comes with addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
[QUOTE=Maylie;3785191]Reality is, for most, that when that person was there...the person was drunk/passed out all the time, only talked when there was a fight, never came to bed to cuddle just to pass out, and asking them to go to a store for an errand wasn't worth the fight.QUOTE]
That was exactly how it was for the past few months, thanks for the reminder!! It's easy to forget the bad times when I am tired and feeling lonely and it's too late in the night to call anybody.
Oh I'm so glad I found this site as the support is fantastic.
That was exactly how it was for the past few months, thanks for the reminder!! It's easy to forget the bad times when I am tired and feeling lonely and it's too late in the night to call anybody.
Oh I'm so glad I found this site as the support is fantastic.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
So sorry you are hurting- I have taken AH back at least 5 times and each time was worse. This time when my sick mind starts to think of the good I read all of my old posts on here of all the horrible things he said and did. It reminds me to stay on my path and I am doing the right thing. You deserve to be happy!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
Cam - don't know if this helps...I am going thru the same thing too. My AXGF left months ago but we kept contact "trying to work it out". After a particularly bad weekend, I decided i deserved more and blocked her number. It lasted a few days, i then broke down and unblocked it. This past weekend was very eye-opening, and when i found out she was trying to get joint custody of my kids, i realized what I stood to lose! I again blocked her number and now with stick to it. My point is when YOU block his number, you no longer spend time or energy wondering "will he call? Did I miss a text? Should I text him? (why he can't respond!)" I would suggest that blocking his number will make no contact easier. It takes away that avenue for the A to reach us, and releases our codependent minds from obscessing over their calls.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I took my aexbf back a number of times also, and like someone else said, things just got worse every time. Finally, when things got really bad and I involved his family, he decided to get rid of me in the coldest and cruelest way possible. I like the idea of blocking his number, because the chances are, he will call you. They seem to have an uncanny ability for judging when the perfect amount of time has past to allow you to forget all the crap they pulled. If I had blocked his number four years ago, I would have had all that time to work on myself and maybe meet someone good for me, not to mention the inordinate amount of pain I would have saved myself. If he really gets sober some day, you will know, and then you can think about starting anew. For now, the best thing you can do for yourself and him is keep the distance.
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