I realized today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
I realized today
a part of the two-step I have with my AH. We have been living apart for 4 months and have 4 kids. He is sober but not recovering. Last week, for the first time in years, he was genuinely kind to us. I was so hopeful. This weekend, he is giving me the silent treatment because I went to visit his aunt in the hospital but did not stop by to see him when he had the sniffles. (I also had 3 sick kids at home.)
Today, I realized that I'm fighting the urge to send a friendly text. Why would I respond to the silent treatment with chasing? Because I am afraid to make him mad at me. He controls our finances and so I dance. I may be biting my nails for the rest of the day, but I am sitting this one out.
Today, I realized that I'm fighting the urge to send a friendly text. Why would I respond to the silent treatment with chasing? Because I am afraid to make him mad at me. He controls our finances and so I dance. I may be biting my nails for the rest of the day, but I am sitting this one out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well played - the two step can't continue on with one partner stepping out of the dance.
And remember, you don't "make him mad". He chooses to get mad. Don't own his emotions, especially this early in sobriety (or white knuckling it, as you describe). His emotions are going to be all over the map, so stand back a little and simply watch his actions, rather than react right along with him.
Stay strong!
~T
And remember, you don't "make him mad". He chooses to get mad. Don't own his emotions, especially this early in sobriety (or white knuckling it, as you describe). His emotions are going to be all over the map, so stand back a little and simply watch his actions, rather than react right along with him.
Stay strong!
~T
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
AWESOME!!
It is SOOOO hard not to placate others. I have tendency to do that anytime I think someone is upset with me.
Another thing I've discovered, too, is that SOMETIMES what feels like a reaction to me or something I did, has nothing at ALL to do with me. How weird would it be to go trying to make nice to someone for something that was COMPLETELY in my own head? But I've done it.
Good for you--nobody said this is easy. It DOES get easier with practice. Proud of ya!
It is SOOOO hard not to placate others. I have tendency to do that anytime I think someone is upset with me.
Another thing I've discovered, too, is that SOMETIMES what feels like a reaction to me or something I did, has nothing at ALL to do with me. How weird would it be to go trying to make nice to someone for something that was COMPLETELY in my own head? But I've done it.
Good for you--nobody said this is easy. It DOES get easier with practice. Proud of ya!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Well played - the two step can't continue on with one partner stepping out of the dance.
And remember, you don't "make him mad". He chooses to get mad. Don't own his emotions, especially this early in sobriety (or white knuckling it, as you describe). His emotions are going to be all over the map, so stand back a little and simply watch his actions, rather than react right along with him.
Stay strong!
~T
And remember, you don't "make him mad". He chooses to get mad. Don't own his emotions, especially this early in sobriety (or white knuckling it, as you describe). His emotions are going to be all over the map, so stand back a little and simply watch his actions, rather than react right along with him.
Stay strong!
~T
PohsFriend, my CV is ready and I'm submitting it to online schools. I'm going to go through their online training and plan to teach a course in the fall. Sometimes I feel that I'm moving through molasses and sometimes I cannot believe all of the changes I have made in the 3 months we have been separated. I teach my kids at home and it's the last and hardest dream of mine to give up. There were so many things I wanted for my life and I feel that almost every one was yanked away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by mry
There were so many things I wanted for my life and I feel that almost every one was yanked away.
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