New girl here... and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is an alcoholic
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
New girl here... and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is an alcoholic
Hi everyone. My name is Susan and I've been in a rough relationship with my boyfriend for about three years. The first time I was tipped off to him possibly having a drinking problem was May of 2011. He got very drunk at a wedding we went to. He did not hurt me or take advantage of me, but hearing him slur to everyone at the wedding reception what he wanted to do sexually with me when we got home was embarrassing to say the least. Anyway, I did make him leave the wedding reception and walked him slurring and stumbling to my car and drove him home. We got mad at each other, didn't talk for about a month and when we made up, he was shocked and embarrassed that he did what he did under the influence of alcohol. I told him I never wanted to be around him when he was drinking and he obliged.
In between then we've been having and working through our own issues in our relationship, but he never was drunk or contacted me while drunk again. In September of 2012 he told me he would be away for a year with limited access to phone. He told me he wasn't ready to tell me the whole story as to why, but to just try to hold out and if I began seeing someone else he would understand. In the next months I found out on my own that he has criminal records dating back to 2003 for DUIs and public intoxication. He currently is serving one year in county prison for his third DUI in PA. His mother baled him out of prison for his other sentences. Right now he is out on work release and parole, so I do get to see him occasionally for very short visits. He does not want to talk about what he did yet. We will once he is through this though and I understand his feelings of embarrassment during this ordeal. In reality, I am happy I got into confinement for a substantial amount of time because I know it will be one of the only ways he will realize he has a problem. Also, I believe he is/was housed in a treatment center for the county for DUIs, so he has been receiving inpatient treatment for his alcohol abuse.
I do have several worries about this issue. I work as an ICU RN and I see alcoholic and DUI cases in my work, I'm afraid it will take him to almost die (as it does with some substance abusers) to break his denial. Or worse, that he will die. I've seen these situations to both ways both in my work and in my family (I've had two family members battle alcoholism. The one overcame it. The other remained in denial and passed away). I am also afraid to get too stuck in this with him. I am willing to stay with him if he does decide to battle this demon. I understand what must go into living with and treating an individual with alcoholism. However, if he does not want to change, I know I need to leave. I'm not looking forward to that decision since I love him very much despite his issues, but its not fair to me to stay.
Until he's officially "free" in September, I am taking everything I can get in our short visits and concentrating on my job and my education. I am working full time and going to school part time completing an RN to BSN program. I hope to have him working on being sober at being at my graduation at Penn State in May of 2014. Thanks all,for listening.
In between then we've been having and working through our own issues in our relationship, but he never was drunk or contacted me while drunk again. In September of 2012 he told me he would be away for a year with limited access to phone. He told me he wasn't ready to tell me the whole story as to why, but to just try to hold out and if I began seeing someone else he would understand. In the next months I found out on my own that he has criminal records dating back to 2003 for DUIs and public intoxication. He currently is serving one year in county prison for his third DUI in PA. His mother baled him out of prison for his other sentences. Right now he is out on work release and parole, so I do get to see him occasionally for very short visits. He does not want to talk about what he did yet. We will once he is through this though and I understand his feelings of embarrassment during this ordeal. In reality, I am happy I got into confinement for a substantial amount of time because I know it will be one of the only ways he will realize he has a problem. Also, I believe he is/was housed in a treatment center for the county for DUIs, so he has been receiving inpatient treatment for his alcohol abuse.
I do have several worries about this issue. I work as an ICU RN and I see alcoholic and DUI cases in my work, I'm afraid it will take him to almost die (as it does with some substance abusers) to break his denial. Or worse, that he will die. I've seen these situations to both ways both in my work and in my family (I've had two family members battle alcoholism. The one overcame it. The other remained in denial and passed away). I am also afraid to get too stuck in this with him. I am willing to stay with him if he does decide to battle this demon. I understand what must go into living with and treating an individual with alcoholism. However, if he does not want to change, I know I need to leave. I'm not looking forward to that decision since I love him very much despite his issues, but its not fair to me to stay.
Until he's officially "free" in September, I am taking everything I can get in our short visits and concentrating on my job and my education. I am working full time and going to school part time completing an RN to BSN program. I hope to have him working on being sober at being at my graduation at Penn State in May of 2014. Thanks all,for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Unfortunately, your BF being a alcoholic pretty much seems like a given to me. Have you thought about your own codependency issues? I don't mean to pathologize you, but dating a jailed alcoholic is a pretty strong indicator you are one of us. Maybe you could work on that part of this problem while he is still gone, so you are stronger to deal with whatever happens when he is released? I know it is very hard, and I know how it feels to love someone despite their issues. However, I am starting to ask myself if I loved him despite his issues or because of them. Blessings to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Welcome, I hope you will find SR very helpful. I know that I have and I have learned so much from others. SR is full of support and lots of people w/years of knowledge and wisdom. I wish you well and hope you will keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR! Sorry for the situation that brings you to this forum.
We often say here to newcomers "remember the three C's": you don't cause him to drink, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Often, just knowing this helps to change where we are in our lives and make it a more positive experience.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
~T
We often say here to newcomers "remember the three C's": you don't cause him to drink, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Often, just knowing this helps to change where we are in our lives and make it a more positive experience.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I'm going to say this with all the love in my heart for you...
Run! Run far and fast and don't look back!
If he can't be a man and tell you why he's leaving and only has limited phone access, then what the hell can he be honest about? And here you are, working your ass off for an education and being an RN... Girl, you make good money and you are going to go somewhere and have nice things! If you let him ride your coat tail, you won't have anything!
Run Girl!!! Save yourself, your future and any and all monies you are working so hard for right now. I bet a few wives here could tell you how on the hook they are for husbands who DUI. You so don't need that!!!!!!!
Run! Run far and fast and don't look back!
If he can't be a man and tell you why he's leaving and only has limited phone access, then what the hell can he be honest about? And here you are, working your ass off for an education and being an RN... Girl, you make good money and you are going to go somewhere and have nice things! If you let him ride your coat tail, you won't have anything!
Run Girl!!! Save yourself, your future and any and all monies you are working so hard for right now. I bet a few wives here could tell you how on the hook they are for husbands who DUI. You so don't need that!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I would not invest too much of myself in this relationship, September is nine months away, alot can happen, and alot can change, 9 months we are talking here, he is currently sober because he has to be, the real test will be when he is released, and quite frankly, the odds just aren't in his favor.......
Who am I kidding, I'm with BoxinRotz, RUN AWAY NOW, you have an amazing life and career ahead of you, concentrate on achieving your goals! There are plenty of available men without this kind of baggage. Best of luck in your continued studies.
Who am I kidding, I'm with BoxinRotz, RUN AWAY NOW, you have an amazing life and career ahead of you, concentrate on achieving your goals! There are plenty of available men without this kind of baggage. Best of luck in your continued studies.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. Your post will be quite unsettling for many here, as so many of us remember when we first met the active alcoholic and we minimized his history and we told ourselves that we will be the ones who stand by him and give him a chance because he is a wonderful person and we love him.
It is actually pretty rare for an active alcoholic to get a DUI. Most don't. So the fact that your abf has DUI's going back to 2003 means it is likely he has been an alcoholic WAY back, probably in early adolescence. This means he has been coping with life by drugging himself through every issue, every challenge, every uncomfortable feeling, every relationship, every work environment. It means he has been a liar for probably 15 to 20 years. It means he has consistently blamed other people or events for his problems and he has learned to skillfully manipulate very gullible, nurturing people into thinking he is a good guy who has just made some poor choices and deserves a chance to prove himself.
I am being straightforward when I say that it is not only your abf who may end up in that ICU, it is you. It is any future child you have should you marry a man who has been drinking close to 20 years. In the AA Big Book Bill W. writes of the tornado that an alcoholic is, destroying everything in his path, leaving a wake of shattered wives and damaged children.
You will do well to thoroughly educate yourself about alcoholism and the Jekyll/Hyde personality it creates in the drinker. Even with sobriety--and the odds are not good for your abf--there is massive emotional growth and psychological repair to still accomplish.
Addiction is permanent. The brain is changed for life.
There are recovering alcoholics who put together decent lives for themselves. They are the minority of those who have alcoholic brains.
And prison? It changes a person. Prison time alone is enough to keep me away from someone. Add well over decade of active addiction? Thank God I am healthy enough TODAY to know not to rationalize why that guy might still be an appropriate partner and a good candidate to father and raise young children. But there was a time when I was just like you.
We always suggest Al-Anon and counseling, Susan, to young women in your situation. It is because most codependents have family histories which set them up as perfect delusional partners for manipulative, con artist addicts.
I hope you will seek good counsel for yourself. You are with a dangerous man.
It is actually pretty rare for an active alcoholic to get a DUI. Most don't. So the fact that your abf has DUI's going back to 2003 means it is likely he has been an alcoholic WAY back, probably in early adolescence. This means he has been coping with life by drugging himself through every issue, every challenge, every uncomfortable feeling, every relationship, every work environment. It means he has been a liar for probably 15 to 20 years. It means he has consistently blamed other people or events for his problems and he has learned to skillfully manipulate very gullible, nurturing people into thinking he is a good guy who has just made some poor choices and deserves a chance to prove himself.
I am being straightforward when I say that it is not only your abf who may end up in that ICU, it is you. It is any future child you have should you marry a man who has been drinking close to 20 years. In the AA Big Book Bill W. writes of the tornado that an alcoholic is, destroying everything in his path, leaving a wake of shattered wives and damaged children.
You will do well to thoroughly educate yourself about alcoholism and the Jekyll/Hyde personality it creates in the drinker. Even with sobriety--and the odds are not good for your abf--there is massive emotional growth and psychological repair to still accomplish.
Addiction is permanent. The brain is changed for life.
There are recovering alcoholics who put together decent lives for themselves. They are the minority of those who have alcoholic brains.
And prison? It changes a person. Prison time alone is enough to keep me away from someone. Add well over decade of active addiction? Thank God I am healthy enough TODAY to know not to rationalize why that guy might still be an appropriate partner and a good candidate to father and raise young children. But there was a time when I was just like you.
We always suggest Al-Anon and counseling, Susan, to young women in your situation. It is because most codependents have family histories which set them up as perfect delusional partners for manipulative, con artist addicts.
I hope you will seek good counsel for yourself. You are with a dangerous man.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
You have no kids with him. You have a good career. Hes been away from you for a period of a yr?
Yall are not married and he had hidden facts about himself from you.
He also has a long history of drinking imcluding jail time.
Take you. Your wonderful career. Your non addict butt and leave it be.
My opinion but a very good one.
You seem like a smart driven woman so why with all of the above will you go down a road you
Know the outcome too?
Your setting yourself up on this one.
Please consider the many fish in the sea and having someone you do not
Have to babysit. Worry about or who will compromise your sanity and well being.
There is a man out there who is not an addict. Who has a career to match your own
And who will not be going to jail for any length of time.
Consider this and please go find this man because the man you are interested in
Isnt him
Yall are not married and he had hidden facts about himself from you.
He also has a long history of drinking imcluding jail time.
Take you. Your wonderful career. Your non addict butt and leave it be.
My opinion but a very good one.
You seem like a smart driven woman so why with all of the above will you go down a road you
Know the outcome too?
Your setting yourself up on this one.
Please consider the many fish in the sea and having someone you do not
Have to babysit. Worry about or who will compromise your sanity and well being.
There is a man out there who is not an addict. Who has a career to match your own
And who will not be going to jail for any length of time.
Consider this and please go find this man because the man you are interested in
Isnt him
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
So the fact that your abf has DUI's going back to 2003 means it is likely he has been an alcoholic WAY back, probably in early adolescence. This means he has been coping with life by drugging himself through every issue, every challenge, every uncomfortable feeling, every relationship, every work environment. It means he has been a liar for probably 15 to 20 years. It means he has consistently blamed other people or events for his problems and he has learned to skillfully manipulate very gullible, nurturing people into thinking he is a good guy who has just made some poor choices and deserves a chance to prove himself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by SusanLN 
In reality, I am happy I got into confinement for a substantial amount of time because I know it will be one of the only ways he will realize he has a problem. Also, I believe he is/was housed in a treatment center for the county for DUIs, so he has been receiving inpatient treatment for his alcohol abuse.
By your own admission you have seen that death is the bottom for some. Listen to what you know is the truth.
If you really knew what went into living with an active alcoholic you wouldn't even consider this - if you knew what went into living with someone working their sobriety the first year you also wouldn't consider this. The very nature of your occupation is to help and heal and I hope that doesn't bite you in the a** here.
I am with BoxinRotz Run like the wind. Get yourself into Al Anon in the meantime it just may save you a world of hurt.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
:codiepolice:codiepolice
I wish I had found SR at the beginning or middle of my relationship instead of at the end. It would have saved me a great deal of grief. You KNOW what this is, you are educated about the health aspects of it (as an IU Nurse ) and with your previous 3 yrs with him which you listed as rough. Regardless of what educational material you read and what you see other people go through in ICU; there is so much MORE to it, once you look at yourself. I hate facing that I am codependent; it makes me feel weak . I hate that I have dated the exact same 'type' of person ..addicts, manipulators, liars, cheaters..over and over and over again. At some point we have look at ourselves. Why would you settle for someone who you have had a rough road with? Why settle for someone with a jail/prison record? Why set your self up with a rough future?
I'm not trying to be harsh..these are the questions I ask myself every day.
I wish I had found SR at the beginning or middle of my relationship instead of at the end. It would have saved me a great deal of grief. You KNOW what this is, you are educated about the health aspects of it (as an IU Nurse ) and with your previous 3 yrs with him which you listed as rough. Regardless of what educational material you read and what you see other people go through in ICU; there is so much MORE to it, once you look at yourself. I hate facing that I am codependent; it makes me feel weak . I hate that I have dated the exact same 'type' of person ..addicts, manipulators, liars, cheaters..over and over and over again. At some point we have look at ourselves. Why would you settle for someone who you have had a rough road with? Why settle for someone with a jail/prison record? Why set your self up with a rough future?
I'm not trying to be harsh..these are the questions I ask myself every day.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've gotten some very good feedback on this.
Not all alcoholics (even ones who have been to prison) are irredeemable. But the odds are against them, particularly when they have been hiding it, and apparently are continuing to hide it and to lie about it (not making a moral judgment here--all alcoholics, including myself, have done things we are not proud of).
It is the most natural thing in the world to see the good in someone and to overlook the flaws, certain that once he has faced those flaws he will rise above them. That's what sucks so many of us into relationships that are bad for us. As difficult as it may be to walk away from such a person, it is much harder to do when the relationship becomes more involved, and we live with or marry the person.
Please think through all of these posts very carefully. One thing that alcoholics and their partners have in common is the sincere belief that their situation is different from others. And that the advice and experience of other people in situations that may seem similar therefore does not apply. In AA we call that being "terminally unique." The alcoholic rejects the experience and advice of others because it doesn't apply to him. Most of us discover that when you get down to the common denominator--alcoholism--we are a lot more alike than we care to admit.
Not all alcoholics (even ones who have been to prison) are irredeemable. But the odds are against them, particularly when they have been hiding it, and apparently are continuing to hide it and to lie about it (not making a moral judgment here--all alcoholics, including myself, have done things we are not proud of).
It is the most natural thing in the world to see the good in someone and to overlook the flaws, certain that once he has faced those flaws he will rise above them. That's what sucks so many of us into relationships that are bad for us. As difficult as it may be to walk away from such a person, it is much harder to do when the relationship becomes more involved, and we live with or marry the person.
Please think through all of these posts very carefully. One thing that alcoholics and their partners have in common is the sincere belief that their situation is different from others. And that the advice and experience of other people in situations that may seem similar therefore does not apply. In AA we call that being "terminally unique." The alcoholic rejects the experience and advice of others because it doesn't apply to him. Most of us discover that when you get down to the common denominator--alcoholism--we are a lot more alike than we care to admit.
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