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Living with a recovering alcoholic who is 7 years sober

Old 01-15-2013, 05:23 PM
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Unhappy Living with a recovering alcoholic who is 7 years sober

I'm 45 years old and sober 6 and a half years. I met my partner in AA who is now sober 7 years. We began a relationship that at first was loving and natural. We moved in together after 6 months which was probably too quick however we both needed to move and it seems to make sense at the time to share a house. On reflection this was probably not the wisest move. After 2 months he began to get very critical of me and started to withdraw physically and emotionally. He blamed this on his work stresses and that I had niggled him about housework. Which I had. Last week, after saying nothing, he blew up and ended the relationship. It was like a bomb in my face. After I argued that the program teaches up to 'not run away at the slightest hint of a problem' he decided to give it another bash. However, again, no physical contact or emotional. However he has improved around the house. He is not seeking sponsorship and only attending 2 meetings a week. I'm obviously not having needs met in this relatively new relationship and don't know whether I need to run or stay and try to work it out. Practice what I preach maybe? He says he doesn't love me. Should that be enough to go? I'm unsure he knows what he feels and believe there is feeling there. I'm unsure how I feel now. Any advice from anyone whose been in a committed relationship being both in recover would be really helpful. I'm in a lot of pain over this and YES plan to go to AL ANON this weekend .
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Old 01-15-2013, 05:54 PM
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He may care for you in the sense that he doesn't want anything bad to happen to you, but he has SAID he doesn't love you. He isn't engaged with you physically or emotionally.

Maybe it's time to practice ACCEPTANCE, which is, as we know, "is the answer to all [our] problems." You are still trying to see him as a loving partner, and he is not. May not be his fault--sometimes things just don't work out.

Time to let go, it sounds like to me.
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Old 01-15-2013, 06:28 PM
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Thanks Lexie. It's only been two weeks of trouble. I guess my question is whether it's too soon to make such a decisive call. I would like to think there is some hope and try for a bit longer, always keeping in mind that it could well be a relationship that is not destined for longevity. My feeling is he's dry drunking it and lashing out to hurt me. If this is the case it is troubling but not wholing worth giving up on yet. I'm trying to keep right sized about my own projections onto the relationship and in contact with a sponsor whose advice was that I need to allow the other person to go 'psycho' once in a while. Especially considering we're both in recovery and trying our best. If he didn't have loving feelings toward me why did he move in with me? Alas, one day at a time.
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Old 01-15-2013, 06:31 PM
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Well, I wouldn't hang on TOO long if I were you--it won't make things any easier. Sometimes it's best to move on before things get ugly.

The Al-Anon is a great idea, though--hope it helps.
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Old 01-15-2013, 06:36 PM
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Recovery, alcoholism, meetings aside.... The first year of a relationship should be the honeymoon, gaga, make everyone sick with your love phase. If he is saying he doesn't love you, then it may be time to move on and find the person who will. You're worth that.
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:03 PM
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I'm a recovering alcoholic who goes to AA and I deal with codependency in Alanon. I suggest heading to Alanon, it teaches us how to have better relationships. I recommend that you both go to Alanon (separate meetings, natch).
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Old 01-16-2013, 12:38 AM
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I'm going to have to go with what Tamerua said - basically, the first year of dating people are "stupid in love". Not a bad thing, not derogatory stupid, just...well, stupid for each other.
Everyone deserves that feeling of being head over heels. If he isn't making you feel that way now, I wouldn't think it's going to show improvement. I kind of feel that if you have to work things out that early in a relationship, it doesn't have a lot of hope for getting a lot better.

As to why he would move in with you, we could only speculate. I have found that a lot of my relationships have gone well until the move in point, then the little things they do that are deal breakers tend to appear. Not necessarily bad things, but pet peeves I can't cope with.
Here's an example from me. I had a boyfriend, really nice guy! He moved in with me after awhile of dating (a few months I think, it's been awhile) but things turned sour pretty quick after that. I didn't like that he had to be prompted to do anything, if I didn't put the dishes in the dishwasher before work, they'd be waiting for me when I got home, every day - just minor things, but they degraded the relationship quick.
That's not to say that you or he have done anything "wrong", just the test of a relationship begins with living with each other, and some people just aren't compatible that way.

I'm sorry to hear that your needs aren't being met, that is the most important aspect that I am slowly learning. It's something my next door neighbor preaches regularly to me "There is a level of dignity and respect that I want and deserve, and if you can't give it to me, then I will find someone who will." That is her mantra from the word "go".
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Old 01-16-2013, 05:47 AM
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Our first year was really tough. Husband sober for 8 years at that time. Honeymoon when we weren't living together, quasi-nightmare when we did. At the core of it was undiagnosed BiPolar II. Looking back I see that RAH had many alcoholic traits a 'dry drunk". I stayed in it I don't know why. 3 months in I was ready to leave. I did love him and he me. I think I was more committed to not failing. 10 months in he was diagnosed and medicated properly - I was done at that point but gave it another shot to see if it made a difference. It did. We had a relapse last year but it was a MUCH better year than the first which I owe to going to Al Anon and changing my codependency which was causing so many problems - I didn't see this until I joined SR in September last year - I really thought it was all him.

I am happy, very happy we are together today. One day at a time........

A co-dependent and a RA is a bad, bad, bad mix. Work on yourself - detach from him a bit - see where it goes. If he continues to profess that he doesn't love you then I would exit.
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Old 01-20-2013, 04:49 PM
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Thanks to everyone who posted. I don't necessarily believe in the first year should be the 'head over heels' year. Not at my age anyway! I'm passed that. In fact, wary of it. I believe two recovering alcoholics living together will take work and that they both need outside help. We had some progress over the last week. He has sought help and is practicing some humility around that. He has not been in a relationship for some time and his words 'i'm frozen' ring true. Sometimes it is hard for an alcoholic to connect to their feelings. He seems to think that is what is happening. We are in a more loving place now and I have some insight into what is really going on with him. This may/can lead to a greater intimacy. That's what it's about isn't it? I don't believe in cutting and running (I have done plenty of that in my time) but staying to work at it and then making a conscious, well informed decision about whether the relationship is working for me (with guidance) and to accept whether it may or may not be working for him. It's all learning and growing. And that is what recovery is about. I will continue to live my life and do the things I need to do to nourish my soul. That is all that is in my power. But I will not run anymore at the first sign of trouble. It is heartful to hear that relationships can work out even when it seems dire to begin with. Thanks to the above post!
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Old 01-20-2013, 05:59 PM
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"If he didn't have loving feelings toward me why did he move in with me?" (Mandi333)

Economics, convenience, need, want, confused, seemed like a good idea at the time, etc.....

if someone told me they did not love me, I'd be taking that pretty darn serious. Not trying to be rude, but it sounds like you are making excuses for him. You are trying to find a reason for his words and actions.

my name is Annie and my ex-fiance left me less than a week before we were to be married....... why? I don't know, guess he changed his mind and reconsidered, these things happen, it was awful, I never saw it coming, next thing you know, I am involved with an active alkie, wasted 5 more years of my life........ anyway you really never know what someone else is thinking until they tell you. (((hugs))))
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Old 01-20-2013, 07:31 PM
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I also agree that when someone says they don't love you, PAY ATTENTION . . .if that is not a red flag, I don't know what is.

It seems to me as if you might be using program ideas and slogans to make excuses . . .

I would move out - and if he can prove that he loves you - then maybe see a counselor or something - otherwise, "Next!"
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