pattyG

I am venting here...but am also confused and feel like I am trying to do what's right for me and my kids. My AGF of 4 years has been getting more and more unavailable...she used to be at my house daily, that was until my son was born in June and she got what she wanted...her name on his birth certificate. Then she left and started up with the scumbags she associated with before. I knew of her for years before we dated, I thought "she is different than her family, there is a real person in there somewhere". I became severely depressed after my son was born, I had been on one antidepressant, then another was added. It worked for awhile, but over the last 2 months I have been exhausted...literally can't function at work because I am ready to drop. I began to feel like the fatigue was depression in another form, because I hadn't dealt with the problem of my dysfunctional life/relationship. I weaned myself off the second med and then the flood gates opened. I told her repeatedly that I was very depressed, that I needed help, I needed her. Her family is screwed up...no one has a job but her, they all drink/drug, use each other, and have been in prison. She had her 46yo brother and his wife move in 3 months ago because they were evicted. They are still paying nothing, working parttime. Their truck broke (again) this week, so she couldn't come over because they needed rides, or her car to get to work, etc. My 90yo mom lives with me, and became very ill Sat; she needed to go to the hospital. The whole day she and I were arguing, me angry about her taking the day off from work for her f*cked up family, and her not being there to help me and the kids she calls hers. I called her at 1pm to tell her I needed to take my mom to the hospital, i was told she'd be there in an hour. So I am now screaming, and then leave with 4 kids under 5 to the ER. My mom is admitted. I drive over after we leave the hospital and the truck isn't fixed, she is showered and dressed to watch the football game. She offers to come with me at that time and I drive away. Later the fighting continues and again she texts me that she will come over, but I don't respond and she turns off her phone. I wake Sun to a text that i am a hypocrite, she wants her handgun that is at my house. Her anger is because she wants to see the kids, Sunday is her day. I spew evil texts about what a lowlife she and her family are, etc. I then call and call...her phone isn't on. I randomly decide to block her number. I am hurt that she never even asked about my mom, that she would make these people her priority. I am one minute aware and accepting of the fact that she is NO DIFFERENT than them, she just has a slightly better package. That I picked someone up at the Rescue Mission basically. That she cannot and will not ever be what I need. Then I get angry, to the point I want to smash her windows, flatten her tires, hurt her to the level I feel. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way and blame myself...she offered to come over I didn't accept. WTF? I feel crazy.

HopefulmomtoD

You're not going to change her, you can only change yourself and how you react to her. You've got children to love and raise- please work on getting healthy yourself and don't involve your children with an active alcoholic. Personally, I'd be grateful she is not in your home and is away from your children.

Get to the doctor and get help for your depression. I'm sorry you are suffering.

ReflectingOnMe

Unfortunately the active A isn't ever really available to meet anyone's needs. It is painful and it hurts. Their primary focus is themselves and their addiction. I suggest reading all the sticky threads at the top of the forum. It will help you to know that you are not alone in the hurting, the confusion, or the depth of it. It helped me tremendously. I am slowly letting go of it and working on it every day. Each day I am finding that I miss my A less and I can assure you that I do not miss all the drama that follows an A.

redatlanta

Hi Patty - I read through your opening thread and noted that in this 4 year relationship only 6 weeks of it was good. So while you seem desperate to have this person in your life I must ask WHY? I can't see in your writings anything of merit that this woman brings to life of your children or to yourself - what she does bring is chaos, disappointment, and anger.

Have you ever really thought about why you want her in your life or around your children? It seems that whatever she wants from you she gets including her name on your child's birth certificate even when she didn't bother to be there when the child was born.

This person's main priority in life is alcohol. Secondly would be attending to the needs of those who are alcoholics and addicts. There is no room in her life for anything else. She keeps proving that to you over, and over and over again. I am curious why you weaned yourself off the anti-depressant - it caused "the flood gates" to open - was it your intent to try and guilt AGF into helping you? And did she? No.

Why don't you read through the AcOA (adult children of alcoholics) forum and educate yourself on what happens to kids raised in alcoholic homes. They generally become alcoholics or marry them because its what they KNOW. That's just the highlights of how badly they suffer in life being exposed to insanity. A childhood should be filled with love and stability not fear and chaos.

I am sure it has been suggested to you to go to Al Anon - have you? Have you read anything on codepency and enabling? There is a light at the end of the tunnel and that is for you to reclaim yours, get healthy, move on.

You're not crazy but alcoholism IS. Please take care of yourself! Get to the Dr. to address your depression issues - post frequently and educate yourself about what your are dealing with.

Pelican

I was exhausted too when I was involved with an active alcoholic.

I spent my time trying to chase after him and make him believe I was all that and a bag of chips. I was making him my priority ~ and all I really was to him was an option. Alcohol was his priority.

Please, please, please for the sake of your children:

Let go or be dragged.

pattyG

I appreciate all the feedback. @redatlanta - I stopped the one antidepressant because I couldn't stay awake anymore. i truly feel I was trying to accept an unacceptable situation. While both meds kept me from feeling anything, at the same time I was overwhelmingly fatigued. I had no reason to feel that way, my baby has started to sleep thru the night and if anything I am getting more sleep. I don't feel like I did it to get her attention, but to start to deal with the obvious dysfunction in my life. I appreciate your feedback and comments. I don't know why I want her in my life. She was there for my son's birth, she left when she thought her name wasn't going to be on the certificate. But you are right, her priority is drinking and supporting the alcoholics and addicts in her life. I have read all the stickies, some of the books. I haven't gone to alanon because I have no babysitter. I get out of work and care for my mom and my kids. That's it.

Recovering2

"Addicted to the Addicted" Alcoholism is a contagious disease, it makes everyone involved sick. Your kids deserve better. There is nothing you can do about her behavior. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.

Find an AlAnon group, and start working on your own recovery from this. There is plenty of support in those meetings, and on this site. You are just spinning right now, and that doesn't help you or your children.

Recovering2

BTW - many AlAnon meeting groups have babysitting available during the meeting. Google meetings in your area. Most times it there will be a notation of meetings that have sitters.