Luri

Hi all. My husband has been sober for almost 3 years and attending AA for almost 10. I have been in al-anon for almost 4 months and have learned a lot. My husband is going through a hard time and has been talking about wanting to drink. He has mentioned it twice.

I know there is nothing I can do if he decides to drink and that its out of my control. I was just wondering what words of love and encouragement I could give him. Any suggestions?

While I personally don't want him to relapse, I know he has to go his own natural path. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Thanks guys!

hamabi

You've been placed on notice, which may mean in his mind that he has been responsible and prepared those around him for an unpleasant eventuality.

In reality he is saying without undertanding it himself that the insanity is back and he's playing with it. You posted last October he was spinning out of control, so he's not had a good few months.

When an alcoholic stays on a hot emotional spot long enough we drink again. If there is some particular area of his life that is rough right now you might encourage him to act to smooth it out and regain his balance. If he's a loner in AA he'll not get much relief just going to meetings, but if he's got close sober friends and a sponsor then encouraging him to hang with them might spur beneficial conversations. Maybe something social like a spagetti feed/Superbowl party at your home for his group, if he's a member of a group.

Without knowing the deal that's causing him problems this is about the best I can offer you.

Luri

"Smoothing out the issue" is a little hard since the big issue is with my mother/father/sister etc. Big chunks are missing because I have a part in it, but I'm nowhere near ready to face this issue. I'm still very much a baby in al-anon.

We just moved to the area so our only friends are al-anon/AA members. He actively involved in the program...even spending the day with his sponsor.

I don't know. I guess I just have to let gooooo!

vegibean

Luri, I just came back after having almost five years sober, relapsed, and I'm working on my sobriety again. Not only for me, but my SO (significant other) is a wonderful supportive man, we're engaged, and I also have a great job.

ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT... I am also a college student and have an X husband who was really got my drinking on a rampage, and still dealing with him for the last five years has been mentally and emotionally exhausting as well... He's the devil, I swear.

Anyway, I'm not making excuses but for me I just got to a point of, "you know what, I'm going to have some wine," and that was it for a month. Then it was a couple times a month, then every week, and then the holidays just put me over the edge, and I'm back.

Hopefully he'll NOT relapse, but tell him, it doesn't get better (I and so many other addicts will tell you so), and it can get bad again, so not worth it.

My best to you.

redatlanta

Yes been there done that. Last year my husband relapsed and it started by saying "I would really like to have a drink every once in a while", "I think I can drink socially" etc.

I now realize that by the time he started verbalizing it he had already been thinking it for a long time. Later when we went through the relapse - he told me he had been drinking for several months. So when he was telling me he was thinking about it he had already done it. Just manipulating - one of those times he said he felt like drinking again he wanted me to say "OH SURE!!!".

Can't tell you what the best thing to do is can only tell you what I did. I never supported it. I didn't bitch, I didn't argue. I refused to be drawn into an argument of the myriad of different "proofs" he had come up with that this would be ok. No matter what he said - and damn, some things were SO good I wanted to throw in the towel - I never ever supported it. (there were many propositions - like if it becomes a problem I will stop, if it becomes a problem I will go to rehab, I have been to AA for so long of all people I will know the signs, I have more control than anyone I know, if I could stop once I can stop again, if I want to I will, my personal favorite was it lowered inhibitions and I could expect to have the best sex ever) gee - there were so many reasons this was a foolproof and good plan.

Anyway if you want to read the gory details read my thread. Stick with Al Anon - stay on here - and be don't be surprised if he has already crossed the line.

liv1ce

I relapsed after 10 years of sobriety and was gone for 3 years before beginning to recover again. I am now clean and sober and feeling dedicated to it as well as very happy with where I am but in looking back I can see that the relapse was coming on for quite a while before I stepped across the line. Looking back at the time before that I recall that I lost my way. I feel the loss of motivation and satisfaction with sobriety that came upon me. I feel the memory of the onset of the desire to "have one now and then" and that I could somehow "drink socially like everyone else." What I can't feel is how I could have overcome this and recovered my motivation. I do worry or at least am aware that in spite of being horrified at the thought this could happen again.

So far staying in touch with sr has been extremely helpful in staying grounded.

I don't know either how your husband could overcome his slide into relapse.

Luri

I totally understand what you mean when you say this. People just get to the point that they are exhausted. Its up and down everyday. Sometimes I think this could be it (as in Sober for good) and sometimes I think he drank already and hasnt told me.

Regardless I will continue with Al-Anon until the day I die. I have to be ok for me if he does decide to drink.

OneSpark

Hello. I don't have any advice to offer but I just wanted to say reading this thread really helped me out today. I wanted to drink so badly just a few moments ago. I had three months sober before I decided I could handle a few drinks during the holidays. I drank about seven beers. No big deal. Then a week later I drank again. Now it's been it's been three weeks since then and I was so ready for a 12-pack tonight. Reading all your posts helped me out today, I recognized a lot of myself in them. Thank you.

tomsteve

my words of encouragement would be:
call your sponsr and get to ameeting.

PohsFriend

Yup.

We all know that once Pandora's ...vodka bottle has been opened there is not a thing you can say.

...but this is a long sober AA veteran who hasn't gone over the edge yet. Good time to do a meeting every day and I like hearing that he spent the day with his sponsor.

All the love and understanding and support and encouragement in the world isn't worth a damn when someone is drinking but I think we can make it easier when they are struggling and WANT to stay sober.

Praying for you both

thislonelygirl

hes in the slumps so hes talking about drinking?
Hes only talking and hasnt yet (?) So thats a good thing
It means some part of him knows he shouldnt
Perhaps planning something simple and fun for the two of you...
It sounds like and I say this with a maybe he just needs to get up and get happy.
Its easy to let saddness and u p set take over a person when they are sitting around moping or
Doing normal day to day things.
Maybe what he needs is a day. At a lake fishing? Or a weekend rental somewhere?
Or sonething like that.

choublak

I take it this was all internal though? Meaning you were thinking it inside your head, not sharing it with your significant other.

choublak

This may sound heartless, but my initial reaction would be to ask, "Okay, and? Why are you telling ME?"

PohsFriend

Now that my wife is not pregnant or breast feeding she's expressed concern that it would be easier to slip, especially because I need to start traveling again. She likes the idea of using soberlink because knowing she would get caught would be an extra inhibition against drinking. I mentioned that once and someone said it was a sign she wasn't REALLY in recovery which I found well... Stupid. When an alcoholic tells you they are worried and looks for ways to make it harder to get away with a drink that's good news.

It's when they say they are sure they will never drink so no need to worry that I'd be scared.

Luri

LOL not heartless at all! My reaction was "Mmkay" and outwardly acted totally indifferent.

I think the best thing I could do is watch myself and make sure I don't add to the situation. While I cant stop him from drinking and its his decision if he does, creating unnecessary tension and stress I can sure lighten that load.

Luri

The routine is a big part of it. He is looking for work so being home all day while I am working I'm sure is driving me crazy. He just has too much time on his hands to think.

Today is a new day, we made it through those 24 hours. One minute at a time! lol!

thislonelygirl

Well there you have it luri. Maybe a day of good ole non alcoholic fun and it doesnt have to be
Expensive or extravagant just a little morale boost.
I think it would drive anyone crazy not to have a day out of the house enjoying themselves (more so not working) and then being a recovering alcoholic (woah boy!)
He needs a quick pickup to remind him how not boring sobreity is.
You can make it a him day or a yall day (which is even better) lol
Adds some romance. Hope he feels better and keeps pushing.
Remember hes not just an alcoholic. ..hes human. We all get quacky and tense.

choublak

The thing is though, recovery is an inside job. Whether you're there with her or not is irrelevant, IMO.