seek

Someone recently wrote something on this forum that caused me to recall some horrible images of my loved one doing things that are so painful to think about - This is the kind of stuff I really need help with and I know my higher power is the only one who can help.

It just sickens me to think of some of the things people do - and it offends me on so many levels - my spiritual beliefs, etc.

I have never talked to the person about this because it never came up and what good would it do - but some of it is just unbelievable to me - I have such a hard time digesting it and have so many judgments.

Can anyone speak of their experiences around this issue without going into gory details . . .I can't stomach the gory details.

I don't want to live in a world where people can hurt themselves so wantonly.

Windancer

Sorry I cannot help, I dont know what exactly you are talking about. Even one word, without details, may help...or not, if you arent comfortable with it.

marie1960

hmm, I have no idea what you are referencing..... anyone?

Windancer

..I think if it was that bad the MODS would have removed it. Perhaps it was a big trigger for you?

Windancer

...I may be able to help, I have experience with many traumatic things. PM me if you want...

seek

It's just me reading something someone posted about what they were aware of - it was nothing inappropriate for the forum - just inappropriate for me and a trigger, as someone said - there are just some thoughts and images that cause pain - I try not to go there but it is so hard knowing that someone you love has done stuff that is so painful to consider.

I need to think of something else.

Windancer

Beautiful day today!!!! Sun was lovely, and it was warm, backed a young filly for the first time, oh and the whales are free I heard!!!!!

Seren

Hello seek,

My stepson has done some pretty horrible things in his day and more that I'm sure I don't know about. Even though he has recently finished 30 days in rehab and is now living in a sober living house for men and is looking for work, I don't want him in my home. I'm just not ready for that. I don't trust him.

If I allow myself to dwell on all the things he has done to his family members, I do become angry. But I work at not 'going there'. It does nothing to him, and just makes me very unhappy.

It would be very easy for me to be judgemental toward my stepson. "How could he do that?!" "What sort of person does something like that?!". What I have come to find out is that a flawed and failing human being making very poor choices can do something like that.

If I allow myself to sit in judgement of his actions, then I am setting myself up to be superior to him. I'm not. I'm not qualified to be his judge, jury, and executioner. At this point in time, he does a very good job of berating, chastising, and degrading himself. I think part of his drinking has been to compensate for how awful a person he has always believed himself to be. He doesn't need my judgement on top of all this. All Mr. HG and I can do is protect ourselves from his manipulations when he is in active addiction yet let him know that we love him. And we do love him in spite of his flaws, just like I hope that people still love me inspite of mine.

seek

Hydrolgirl . . .yes, your perspective is the obvious enlightened and logical one - I just have severe emotional responses to some of the thoughts and images that pop into my head.

I guess I do feel superior, though.

There are somethings I have true judgement and discernment about - if these unacceptable things were "ok," we would teach our kids to do them.

Seren

Many of the things that my stepson has done are certainly not OK or right, and he was not 'taught to do them'. That is why I do not trust him to be in my home. My boundary is that I am not around people (even people I love dearly) whose behavior is unacceptable. I have no control over his choices.

I have never done the things he has done myself (no details, as requested), but that does not make me superior to him.

I am really sorry that you feel the way that you do, and I know that your thoughts cause you a lot of pain.

Even if your loved one stopped behaving in ways you find unacceptable, would you be less judgemental of him or would you continue to hold his past over him?

seek

I started this thread by saying I had had a reaction to something someone had written . . . it is not useful to me to try to defend myself . . .I didn't say my thoughts and feelings are "rational," they JUST ARE . . . and it is painful to have these images arise. I asked if anyone else had had experience with this issue - lecturing me that I "shouldn't" be judgmental is not helpful . . .I know I "shouldn't" be, but I am . . .I tried to explain if everything was the same - if it was "all good," we would not teach our kids right from wrong . . .obviously, some things are wrong . . .and, when I think of these wrong things (like reading someone else's thread) I have painful flashbacks . . .

Has anyone else experienced this problem? If so, how did you deal with it?

Seren

Seek, I'm sorry if you took what I wrote as something you 'should' do. I was merely expressing my feelings and experience with my stepson. I don't believe I used the word 'should' at all. Your feelings are your own, and you have every right to them. There is nothing wrong with that.

I think I understand what you are saying. You experience a very strong, emotional reaction when reading the stories of others here. I'm guessing that this happens when the story is especially similar to your own or to your loved ones, is that correct? I will admit I do have a stronger reaction to a story when it involves an adult child who is active in his or her addiction.

I've not really thought about it specifically, but I suppose I try to remind myself that this story is not MY story and that if I can't offer anything helpful from my own experience, I don't have to and can move on to something else (another thread, some music if needed to calm myself down).

redatlanta

It's hard to respond to your question because its a bit cryptic.

When I read on here stories that are similar to my experience I feel a kindred spirit with those people. I share my own experience and look for knowledge in how to better my situation and myself. It doesn't evoke the same feelings you feel.

When I read on here stories of abuse or children living in alcoholic homes it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me cry sometimes, more often it makes me angry and I want to call them and tell them to GET OUT!!!!

As far as feeling superior to the choices my RAH has made, which include health issues due to his alcoholism, I don't. I think "there but for the grace of God go I".....I thank God I never had the monkey of addiction on my back and I feel compassion for those who do. No one wants it, no one chooses it. And no ....it doesn't excuse the bad behavior that comes along with it.

fourmaggie

"take what you want, and leave the rest"

Mightyqueen801

I don't know specifically what you are referring to, and that's OK, but I do understand what you are saying. Even though years have passed, I still cringe when memories come flooding back. It is a feature of trauma, and yes, living with someone who is abusive whether due to their "disease" or not is traumatic. I know something about this--I have flashbacks every day--I mean every. single. day. for a moment or so where I am back in One World Trade Center at 8:46 a.m. on September 11, 2001. In the same manner, I have flashbacks of the terrible things done to me by my ex-husband, even though I got him removed from my home in September of 1999. No one else can tell you how to "unexperience" something or that you shouldn't feel what you feel. I'm sorry you have these types of things to carry around.

I deal with it by reminding myself that it is not happening now and trying to conjure up more positive things. In other words, I have to force myself not to allow myself to dwell on it or it can grip me and send me spiraling downward for hours or a day.

seek

Thank you. I am never prepared for my PTSD reactions. I really need to do something to help myself . . . the images are just too painful to entertain - for me, it is not just that he did x.y. and z - but what that means . . . it's a violation of trust and challenges my spiritual beliefs . . . I know this is very personal and everyone handles these things differently . . .when it is someone you have nurtured and they actively hurt themselves, it's just unbearable . . .I don't know how to think about it and I don't know how to think about him.

Mightyqueen801

It sure can do that, seek, it sure can.

cat5656

I know what you mean. Here is your answer. You never get over it, but you make room in your heart to deal with it.