Mapper

My husband drinks every single day. On weekends he will start drinking before noon and continue until bed. On weekdays he'll pop open a beer or make a drink as soon as he gets home in the afternoon. When he was on 3rd shift and didn't get home until 5:30 in the morning he would still have a beer as soon as he got home. I think most times he is on automatic pilot and sees his glass is empty and just makes himself another drink not realizing how much he has already had but just needs to be hanging on to something. He has admitted that he has no self discipline.

It has been bad this past week as he bought himself 2 large bottles of Jaegermeister. It took him approximately 2 1/2 days to finish each bottle. He gets very loud and obnoxious when he drinks this. This past Tuesday, Friday and just last night he got to the point of slurring his speech by 6PM because of all he'd had. He isn't an angry drunk, but he gets overly introspective and gets overly lovey dovey with me or he'll just get totally indifferent and think he is invincible or extremely funny, and if I comment on how he needs to start drinking some water he'll go "Just chill the f**k out. I've worked all week I can have some fun. You need to loosen up". Yet if it were the other way around he wouldn't tolerate me even being half as drunk as he gets.

I don't like him drinking ANYTHING as much as he does, but at least when he sticks to beer he doesn't get that obnoxious. The hard liquor is another story. I hate it. The guy is 45 and I feel like he acts like a college kid when he drinks the way he does.

4444lost

are you talking about my AH, but he doesnt drink the hard stuff.

thislonelygirl

College kids . Teenagers. Babies. They fit the bill!
Its like parenting your kid with a big boy complex.
Heres the best parenting advice from one to the other lol
You are important and come first and let him hurt from his drinking.
The biggest obligation you have is to yourself and
The most important lesson you can give ..is one that can only come from himself.
That is the gift of clarity you can give to him.
He will do what he wants but as long as there is no consequence...
He cant see what he needs.

Mapper

And he will admit that he likes to have some drinks to loosen up after work or enjoy his days off, but he doesn't see it as an issue. He still goes to work (although there have been a few mornings where he was too hungover to go in). Still, the amount of alcohol he goes through is unbelieveable. A large bottle of Bushmills whiskey will be gone in 3 or 4 days. Those bottles are meant to last months. A 12 pack of beer is gone in 3 days. $75 a week is spent on alcohol.

ReflectingOnMe

Being as he doesn't see that his drinking is problematic; it doesn't seem as though he will be likely to work on himself or his addiction. By coming here, it is likely that you are wanting to change things for yourself. Alcoholism is a progressive disease; my xabf started out drinking 12 a day and by the time we split..it was 30 a day. His childish charm and sense of fun was what drew me to him..fastforward.4 yrs and I was always parenting him. He almost bled to death on our kitchenfloor after putting his fist through a window. Cut every tendon and ligament;straight down to the bone. I became his care giver/protector and was told I wasn't "fun".

Alanon is a great resource, as is this site. Read all the stickys at the top of the forum. When I first started on here, I hated reading it..but it is true: I didnt cause it. I cant control it and I cant cure it.

Peace to you.

Mapper

His attitude is what drew me to him as well. I'm rather shy and reserved and was always the straight as an arrow person. He was spontaneous, liked to have a good time and blow caution to the wind. I liked that because it made me loosen up and feel free. However, now his behavior appalls me. I can't stand to see him spend all day drinking. There are only a couple of days that I can think of where he didn't have a drink and that's because he was sick with a bad cold. Even after he goes out and binges to the point of puking one night, he'll still start drinking again late afternoon the next day. I don't understand how he can even want to LOOK at alcohol after nights like those.

ReflectingOnMe

It seems as though we have some similiarities. I'm shy in new surrounding, super reserved. I had a child at 18, I've had to be uber responsible. When I met him; my only child was away at college. My life with him was fun. empty-nester stuff. We'd drive for hours just listening to the radio (wait - I would drive). I started working on 'our' house before we broke up. It looked so much like a home and so less like the mess it was when I moved in (bed on the floor, broken windows) ...making it presentable and homey..nesting.. I was growing forward towards comfort and calm and he was running away from it and eventually away from me. My life with A did teach me how to enjoy things - nature, adventure (ie ziplining, hiking). I know it is hard to understand their intense love of the drink. I'm glad you found this site. It is an amazing place to learn.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here , but sorry for the reason that brings you here. Please keep reading and posting. We are here to support you.

When I first arrived, I learned the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took time to accept that concept, but in accepting that I was powerless over his addiction to alcohol ~ I began to find my serenity.

His remarks to you while under the influence are a form of verbal abuse. Mine did the same thing. I didn't recognize the snide remarks as abuse, because it was so subtle. But it kept happening and it had an effect on me. I began to doubt myself, to think less of myself and to believe the words.

The words weren't true. They were the words of an addict wanting to protect his drug of choice. But their effect was harmful to me.

Another thing I learned here at SR: I learned more about alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive. It does get worse if untreated.

Here is a link to an excerpt from the book "Under the Influence". After reading this excerpt, I bought the book. It explained to me how progressive the alcoholism was and how it affects every cell of the body of those addicted.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

And here is a link that contains steps that helped while living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

ReflectingOnMe

So odd, how when I was with him and he'd be verbally hurtful, I'd say to myself "oh, he is just drunk"; but in reality..he was just plain mean.

Let me tell you; those first two years he was so good to me, took care of everything. He was that 'old fashioned manly man'. Opening doors, lifting heavy stuff, making sure I walked on the inside of the sidewalk, giving me his jacket in the rain/cold. When we met, I was at a point where I wasn't looking for a relationship, was happy to be on my own. Enjoyed myself. It was nice to be in an adult 50/50 relationship. The way I always believed it should be. I honestly thought I had hit the jackpot in the man department. I believe I was so head over heels that I let those two really happy years, cloud the time that followed.

ZiggyB

Hi
Have you read the book Codependent No More? It is really good.

One thing you need to realize is that you can't control it. After 3 years of dealing with my axbf drinking all the time I was so ready to move on. We split up several times around the issue of his drinking and smoking.

I kept letting him back in my life and he kept doing all the same stuff over and over again. Yes, it is incredibly expensive. Yes, their verbal abuse is painful. Yes, it is childish. He was 47 years old when we broke up and still acting like a rebellious teenager, "You can't tell me what to do... blah blah blah"

You need to ask yourself if this is what you really want in a relationship. If not, what are you going to do?