No Contact is Impossible
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No Contact is Impossible
Hi all,
Since axbf took a job across the street from me, No contact is impossible. Every week I see him or physically run into him which makes all of the feelings come back and then I start obsessing and feel hurt and angry. Today I saw him and was fighting back tears just wishing these feelings would go away already.
So I guess my question is for those of you who still have to deal with your exes on a regular basis. Do you ever develop enough detachment that you don't care at all when you have to see them? I know it's been only 6 months since the breakup and I really just wish he had taken a job somewhere else, I've been at my current position for 7 years and it seems like he would have had other options. I know I have no right to tell someone where to work but it sure makes things hard for me.
Since axbf took a job across the street from me, No contact is impossible. Every week I see him or physically run into him which makes all of the feelings come back and then I start obsessing and feel hurt and angry. Today I saw him and was fighting back tears just wishing these feelings would go away already.
So I guess my question is for those of you who still have to deal with your exes on a regular basis. Do you ever develop enough detachment that you don't care at all when you have to see them? I know it's been only 6 months since the breakup and I really just wish he had taken a job somewhere else, I've been at my current position for 7 years and it seems like he would have had other options. I know I have no right to tell someone where to work but it sure makes things hard for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Try to switch up your timing. If you always arrive at 745 and see him around that time period..then up your arrival time by 15 min...same when leaving..except delay it 15 min. Take a different route. Use the side door, back door whatever you can do. It has only been a month for me and I cry after I see anyone associated with him; I cannot imagine having the risk of seeing him every day. Also, just because you see him doesn't mean you have to talk with him. Bless your heart.
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Thanks ROM-
That is actually a good idea, I don't know why I didn't think of it. We do arrive at work around the same time but I could walk down a different street in order to get here. It might take me a bit longer but decreasing my chances of running into him would be a big relief to me. I really can't take having to see him all the time, the memories of our last awful fight still rips me to pieces.
That is actually a good idea, I don't know why I didn't think of it. We do arrive at work around the same time but I could walk down a different street in order to get here. It might take me a bit longer but decreasing my chances of running into him would be a big relief to me. I really can't take having to see him all the time, the memories of our last awful fight still rips me to pieces.
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. I was hoping that maybe you were fortunate enough to not have to run into him on a regular basis.I think the idea of switching up your timing is a great idea.
I still have to see my STBXAH whenever he decides to grace his children with his presence. At first it ripped me up. I'd hold it together long enough to get back to my vehicle and drive away bawling. It has gotten easier, although I admit I seldom look him in the eye because I am afraid of what I might see or what he will say when our eyes lock. I avoid it.
Someone on here suggested to me that I make a "hell sheet". A piece of paper that documents some of the horrible things that happened during our marriage. I didn't make a tangible one, but I did make a mental one and I find it to be quite helpful to run over it in my head before I see him. Sometimes all we have to do is remind ourselves that things really were "that bad" when we left. I find it helps...
Sending you happy thoughts
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I was thinking same as ROM. He's across the street? Fine - enter and exit from the side away from his office, don't have lunch in the cafeteria of his building just because some friends are going there...
You know his routine - I'm betting you can avoid seeing him if you try.. That's the simple part. Knowing he's across the street? That's tougher.
Hang in there my friend.
You know his routine - I'm betting you can avoid seeing him if you try.. That's the simple part. Knowing he's across the street? That's tougher.
Hang in there my friend.
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Originally Posted by PohsFriend 
I was thinking same as ROM. He's across the street? Fine - enter and exit from the side away from his office, don't have lunch in the cafeteria of his building just because some friends are going there...
You know his routine - I'm betting you can avoid seeing him if you try.. That's the simple part. Knowing he's across the street? That's tougher.
Hang in there my friend.
You know his routine - I'm betting you can avoid seeing him if you try.. That's the simple part. Knowing he's across the street? That's tougher.
Hang in there my friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I run the risk of running into my Xabf as we ride the same subway train on the same station and we both have to be at work by 9 am. I ran into him last week and it sssssucked because he was looking for me over his shoulder, saw me, turned away, looked over again as if to make sure it was me, our eyes met for half a second, he turned away again!!!! At which moment I stoo still for approximately 20 seconds that felt like 2 minutes, then I walked towards him to say hello!!!
Weak weak codie move, I know!!! But I couldnt bear the idea of running into him and not saying hi..... But I learned my lesson!!! Now I take the left escalato and try to br there 15 mins early.... Today I got up late and felt the risk of running into him... So I popped in my iPod and blasted my favorite indie pop song, "colourless color" by La Roux, and sang it out loud while banging my head to the beat as entering the station!!
I figured: if he sees me passing by he will be furious at how joyful people's morning can be when they r not hung over!!! Ahahhaha lol
Weak weak codie move, I know!!! But I couldnt bear the idea of running into him and not saying hi..... But I learned my lesson!!! Now I take the left escalato and try to br there 15 mins early.... Today I got up late and felt the risk of running into him... So I popped in my iPod and blasted my favorite indie pop song, "colourless color" by La Roux, and sang it out loud while banging my head to the beat as entering the station!!
I figured: if he sees me passing by he will be furious at how joyful people's morning can be when they r not hung over!!! Ahahhaha lol
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Hi all,
Since axbf took a job across the street from me, No contact is impossible. Every week I see him or physically run into him which makes all of the feelings come back and then I start obsessing and feel hurt and angry. Today I saw him and was fighting back tears just wishing these feelings would go away already.
So I guess my question is for those of you who still have to deal with your exes on a regular basis. Do you ever develop enough detachment that you don't care at all when you have to see them? I know it's been only 6 months since the breakup and I really just wish he had taken a job somewhere else, I've been at my current position for 7 years and it seems like he would have had other options. I know I have no right to tell someone where to work but it sure makes things hard for me.
Since axbf took a job across the street from me, No contact is impossible. Every week I see him or physically run into him which makes all of the feelings come back and then I start obsessing and feel hurt and angry. Today I saw him and was fighting back tears just wishing these feelings would go away already.
So I guess my question is for those of you who still have to deal with your exes on a regular basis. Do you ever develop enough detachment that you don't care at all when you have to see them? I know it's been only 6 months since the breakup and I really just wish he had taken a job somewhere else, I've been at my current position for 7 years and it seems like he would have had other options. I know I have no right to tell someone where to work but it sure makes things hard for me.
This sounds like Narcissistic behavior. You might want to look into it. You aren't in his life, but he is making sure that you don't forget him. It's like he's feeding off of your pain. Think about that for a minute.
Guy's a vampire. It's not blood he's looking for, it's your emotional pain.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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I don't think there was a time where I saw him and felt NOTHING, but yes indeed there came a time where I cared less, when it did not ruin my whole day. It got better.
Some things that helped me.
-Boxing. All my anger and hurt went to the punching bag. I even got congratulated by the instructor because I was his more energetic 'student'
-Get the cheapest set of glasses and throw them to a wall.
-If you wash clothes by hand, twist the cloth and imagine its the guy's neck!
-Imagine the guy roaming close is XABF's twin brother. "Oh, there he is, the twin. Too sad XABF died in that horrible accident". I even went so far as to imagine I went to XABF's funeral and told him stuff... I revisited this image anytime XABF was close. This might sound wacko but I was such a wreck, anything helped, really. And feeling he had indeed died helped me cope. I had known no alcoholic before, it was the first time I dealt with a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Imagining he was dead helped me get closure.
-Tick everytime you see him and set a plan such as "When I hit 10 I will get a spa massage" or a book or a flower or whatever pleasure you would like for yourself. Then you can see him and at least for a moment, feel closer to something you will enjoy.
-Read Zen books and quotes
-Watch space photography/videos ... space footage always helps to put everything in perspective..
-Melody beatty books, the language of letting go daily reading is EXCELLENT
-Keep breathing and know that it won't be like this forever, either he moves, or you will move, or you will be in a different state of mind
When I STARTED to heal, even a bit, circumstances changed. See this as a chance, you can see how you feel and trascend those feelings. Something better awaits. I believe, if I hadn't been forced to look at myself almost every day in that way, I could have been easily distracted with other people or whatever else, and I would not have learned so much.
Life gets so, so much better. One day you won't even remember this time of your life! or you will just see it as a 'time of growth'...
You can do this.. I know because I did and I was a much worse codie mess lol, you are doing fine!!
Some things that helped me.
-Boxing. All my anger and hurt went to the punching bag. I even got congratulated by the instructor because I was his more energetic 'student'
-Get the cheapest set of glasses and throw them to a wall.
-If you wash clothes by hand, twist the cloth and imagine its the guy's neck!
-Imagine the guy roaming close is XABF's twin brother. "Oh, there he is, the twin. Too sad XABF died in that horrible accident". I even went so far as to imagine I went to XABF's funeral and told him stuff... I revisited this image anytime XABF was close. This might sound wacko but I was such a wreck, anything helped, really. And feeling he had indeed died helped me cope. I had known no alcoholic before, it was the first time I dealt with a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Imagining he was dead helped me get closure.
-Tick everytime you see him and set a plan such as "When I hit 10 I will get a spa massage" or a book or a flower or whatever pleasure you would like for yourself. Then you can see him and at least for a moment, feel closer to something you will enjoy.
-Read Zen books and quotes
-Watch space photography/videos ... space footage always helps to put everything in perspective..
-Melody beatty books, the language of letting go daily reading is EXCELLENT
-Keep breathing and know that it won't be like this forever, either he moves, or you will move, or you will be in a different state of mind
When I STARTED to heal, even a bit, circumstances changed. See this as a chance, you can see how you feel and trascend those feelings. Something better awaits. I believe, if I hadn't been forced to look at myself almost every day in that way, I could have been easily distracted with other people or whatever else, and I would not have learned so much.
Life gets so, so much better. One day you won't even remember this time of your life! or you will just see it as a 'time of growth'...
You can do this.. I know because I did and I was a much worse codie mess lol, you are doing fine!!
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Originally Posted by owathu
This sounds like Narcissistic behavior. You might want to look into it. You aren't in his life, but he is making sure that you don't forget him. It's like he's feeding off of your pain. Think about that for a minute.
Guy's a vampire. It's not blood he's looking for, it's your emotional pain.
Guy's a vampire. It's not blood he's looking for, it's your emotional pain.
Thanks for your message. I have suspected he is a Narcissist for a while now, especially since he would have these episodes of rage and he also seemed to think he was special in terms of clothing, intellect, social status, etc. For example, I told him once I felt socially anxious and he ended up using that against me in the end saying he needed someone who was as outgoing and extroverted as he was, to fulfill his social obligations. Mind you, we had been together for 3 years prior to that so it obviously wasn't a prerequisite, only a weapon. He also told me my job wasn't good enough and I hadn't traveled enough places, only as we were breaking up.
(*sigh*
I can only imagine he took this job so close to me to drive me nuts but I just wish he would go away.
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
True... it is very difficult knowing he is so close by. I normally just see him in the mornings on my walk to work from the bus stop. Thanks for the support SR friends... I am such a codie mess... lol
....but we are getting saner ;-)
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This set off Narcissism bells for me.
My ex, my DS's dad, who I never married, is NPD. I could write a book on the crazy tactics he took to get to me, none of which *technically* counted as stalking or *technically* counted as harassment. One of the biggest capers he pulled was getting a job with me in a parallel department. It was a horrible job, but had full benefits and paid very well, but by the end of my time there I was so frazzled that I wasn't sleeping and had chronic stress-induced stomach pain.
The context: After many years of a combative, uncooperative relationship, following a long time of some physical but mostly emotional abuse, we were arguing over his visitation time. He worked out of town and wanted a schedule that would have had me running all over the place 4-5 days a week to give him an hour here and an hour there with a very young DS thanks to his work schedule at his prior job. I wouldn't agree to it, and like usual, he told me he'd make me pay. My argument was that if his job was incompatible with what he wanted for visitation, he needed to find a job that didn't have a commute that interfered with his visitation. SO, he applied at my company in town, and lied on the application stating he knew no one who worked there, and was hired. I showed up for work one day and he walked past my desk and smirked at me. You could have heard my jaw hit the floor. Of course I read this as a threat -- to my physical well-being, my employment, my livelihood -- and took it to HR. Their hands were tied. Since we were never married, and since I'd never filed stalking or harassment charges against him, there was nothing they could do. They saw no reason to fire him, despite the lie on his application. (He said, "I didn't know it would be a problem." FFS.) They moved my desk to a dusty corner and advised him that he needed to stay away from me altogether. He kind of did. As per usual, he never initiated contact with me, but lurked around the edges, like some idiot Machiavelli, mouth breathing and generally being irksome. Part of my issue was that the sight of him put me into panic attacks. He was intent on making my life hell, and had said so enough times and been enough of a nuisance that I believed it.
In the end, all I could do was two things: 1) undergo treatment for the anxiety, which didn't happen until 2) I found another job. It took me almost two years to find another job with comparable benefits and pay, and I took it. In the meantime, I ceded no ground and called him on his ******** all the way. It was massively stressful and I suffered for it physically and emotionally. (Incidentally, part of the reason I didn't notice my husband's drinking was that I was embroiled in all this mess. Anyway.)
Guess who applied there last year? It doesn't end until he gets a new timid doe in his sights.
My ex, my DS's dad, who I never married, is NPD. I could write a book on the crazy tactics he took to get to me, none of which *technically* counted as stalking or *technically* counted as harassment. One of the biggest capers he pulled was getting a job with me in a parallel department. It was a horrible job, but had full benefits and paid very well, but by the end of my time there I was so frazzled that I wasn't sleeping and had chronic stress-induced stomach pain.
The context: After many years of a combative, uncooperative relationship, following a long time of some physical but mostly emotional abuse, we were arguing over his visitation time. He worked out of town and wanted a schedule that would have had me running all over the place 4-5 days a week to give him an hour here and an hour there with a very young DS thanks to his work schedule at his prior job. I wouldn't agree to it, and like usual, he told me he'd make me pay. My argument was that if his job was incompatible with what he wanted for visitation, he needed to find a job that didn't have a commute that interfered with his visitation. SO, he applied at my company in town, and lied on the application stating he knew no one who worked there, and was hired. I showed up for work one day and he walked past my desk and smirked at me. You could have heard my jaw hit the floor. Of course I read this as a threat -- to my physical well-being, my employment, my livelihood -- and took it to HR. Their hands were tied. Since we were never married, and since I'd never filed stalking or harassment charges against him, there was nothing they could do. They saw no reason to fire him, despite the lie on his application. (He said, "I didn't know it would be a problem." FFS.) They moved my desk to a dusty corner and advised him that he needed to stay away from me altogether. He kind of did. As per usual, he never initiated contact with me, but lurked around the edges, like some idiot Machiavelli, mouth breathing and generally being irksome. Part of my issue was that the sight of him put me into panic attacks. He was intent on making my life hell, and had said so enough times and been enough of a nuisance that I believed it.
In the end, all I could do was two things: 1) undergo treatment for the anxiety, which didn't happen until 2) I found another job. It took me almost two years to find another job with comparable benefits and pay, and I took it. In the meantime, I ceded no ground and called him on his ******** all the way. It was massively stressful and I suffered for it physically and emotionally. (Incidentally, part of the reason I didn't notice my husband's drinking was that I was embroiled in all this mess. Anyway.)
Guess who applied there last year? It doesn't end until he gets a new timid doe in his sights.
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Thanks Florence.
I definitely think he has NPD - I knew there was something wrong with the guy a few months after I met him, he would overreact incredibly to any perceived slight. I somehow thought I could love him into mental health and get him into treatment. That really worked out, huh?
Oh well, I hope he keeps his distance. I can't even imagine if he worked in the same office, I would just die. This might be the motivation I need to find a new job too!
I definitely think he has NPD - I knew there was something wrong with the guy a few months after I met him, he would overreact incredibly to any perceived slight. I somehow thought I could love him into mental health and get him into treatment. That really worked out, huh?
Oh well, I hope he keeps his distance. I can't even imagine if he worked in the same office, I would just die. This might be the motivation I need to find a new job too!
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Ziggy, have you ever read "The 48 Laws of Power"? I'm pretty convinced that anyone who owns this is a jerk or an MBA student (present company excluded), but it's a primer on how to get a leg up on other people and manipulate them into doing what you want. It's intended to be a business philosophy tome, but in my experience, it's basically a step-by-step guide to Narcissist tactics.
The 48 Laws of Power - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
i.e. Know your enemy.
The book clashes with my moral philosophy so completely, but when dealing with a Narcissist, the goal is to get away from him altogether or just detach and play smarter chess moves than he does. I get very cerebral about my problems and feel more empowered if I learn everything there is to learn about them, so it could be worthwhile to dive in if you're anything like me. If not, avoid avoid avoid. It's upsetting to think people can be this calculated, but hey, some of them are.
The 48 Laws of Power - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
i.e. Know your enemy.
The book clashes with my moral philosophy so completely, but when dealing with a Narcissist, the goal is to get away from him altogether or just detach and play smarter chess moves than he does. I get very cerebral about my problems and feel more empowered if I learn everything there is to learn about them, so it could be worthwhile to dive in if you're anything like me. If not, avoid avoid avoid. It's upsetting to think people can be this calculated, but hey, some of them are.
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Can you bring lunch to work for a little while, so you don't have to leave the office. I know it's all planning, but it's like a good chess game. Change what time you arrive at work, use a different entrance, now pack a lunch. It will work sooner than later, I say a couple of weeks and he'll figure out he hasn't seen you.
Wouldn't hurt to keep a little list on your person of the crappy things he's done.
Wouldn't hurt to keep a little list on your person of the crappy things he's done.
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