Can't stop crying
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Can't stop crying
So, my husband went to rehab/detox for 3 days, followed by 5 days staying with his parents at a hotel while they were here visiting, and he is now at a hotel by himself for a week (compliments of his parents). I was trying to not make too much of a fuss and just concentrate on the fact that he will be home Sunday, but he just called and said he thinks he wants to get an apartment for 6 months to "work on himself and get better". I can't stop crying. We have been married for 16 years and have 2 wonderful children together. Why can't he "get better" at our home? He said his doctor says our relationship is "toxic". What does that mean? I've never even met his doctor. He is on 10 days sober, can he really know that he no longer wants to be married anymore?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Babe,
Your biggest problem up till recently was that he was drinking.
You want him to stay sober, let him work his program.
There are no guarantees in life. But right now, he's focusing on doing what he needs to stay sober. Sobriety may save his life. I'd give him the space he needs, and use that space and time to focus on what you need and want, and what healing is necessary in your life.
Your biggest problem up till recently was that he was drinking.
You want him to stay sober, let him work his program.
There are no guarantees in life. But right now, he's focusing on doing what he needs to stay sober. Sobriety may save his life. I'd give him the space he needs, and use that space and time to focus on what you need and want, and what healing is necessary in your life.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hey honey, I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.
I don't think he said he didn't want to be married anymore, he said he was going to go live in an apartment for 6 months.
So that gives him six months to get healthier, and it gives you six months to get better too.
It is not unusual for relationships that involve one partner being an alcoholic to be toxic.
Try to think about you, do you have a counselor???
It's a very difficult time for both of you, we are here, we care.
Katie xo
I don't think he said he didn't want to be married anymore, he said he was going to go live in an apartment for 6 months.
So that gives him six months to get healthier, and it gives you six months to get better too.
It is not unusual for relationships that involve one partner being an alcoholic to be toxic.
Try to think about you, do you have a counselor???
It's a very difficult time for both of you, we are here, we care.
Katie xo
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I know it seems like a shock & like the worst possible thing, but I have to agree with the other posters that this is fairly normal for many A's at the beginning of their therapy. We went through something similar & as much as it hurt, it ended up being a point of real growth for BOTH of us. I'm not saying it was easy, but definitely beneficial in the long run. I'm glad you joined this site, there is SO MUCH information here that will help you to understand more of the process of getting sober. I have benefitted greatly from other posters sharing information about physical, psychological & emotional changes that A's go through on their journeys to sobriety.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Justshy,
I just saw your post. I don't want to upset anybody on the forum who is a RA but from experience I feel I have to say that all alcoholics are a**holes - particularly towards their wives. I was married to one for 27 years. I know how painful it is. From what I have seen - they treat us badly and we come to expect less and less for ourselves. We start to live our whole lives around them and they continue to do whatever they want!
I am just now starting to realize that I have really short changed myself. I was so scared of losing my husband I forgot about my own happiness. The process of letting go off the 'illusion of the marriage we had' was so painful - I thought I would never feel ok again. But finally after 1 year I feel hopeful. I feel that there is happiness real close , I can almost touch it. I have yet to hear of anybody who is happy with an alcoholic long term. Sad but I think true. Consider that you might actually be happier without him.
I just saw your post. I don't want to upset anybody on the forum who is a RA but from experience I feel I have to say that all alcoholics are a**holes - particularly towards their wives. I was married to one for 27 years. I know how painful it is. From what I have seen - they treat us badly and we come to expect less and less for ourselves. We start to live our whole lives around them and they continue to do whatever they want!
I am just now starting to realize that I have really short changed myself. I was so scared of losing my husband I forgot about my own happiness. The process of letting go off the 'illusion of the marriage we had' was so painful - I thought I would never feel ok again. But finally after 1 year I feel hopeful. I feel that there is happiness real close , I can almost touch it. I have yet to hear of anybody who is happy with an alcoholic long term. Sad but I think true. Consider that you might actually be happier without him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
To give a little more background...he has been what I would call, a "raging alcoholic" for about 5 years. About a month ago, it got really bad. He started staying out late, not answering calls/texts. I knew where he was, the same bar he always went to, I would ride past and see his car (which oddly would make me feel better, like, at least I knew where he was). Anyhow, around this time, everytime he finally did come home (drunk) he would say he wanted a divorce. In his sober moments, he would say, I don't know what I want. I need time to think. Now that he is in recovery (10 days), he is saying "I don't think I want to be married". He says he wants to get healthy and doesn't see that happening with me. I think I feel so lost because he won't even come home for one night, or one week. He said e feels that he will be right back where he started if he returns. Not sure if he is trying to let me down easy...but he is saying "maybe in 6 months" we can evaluate our relationship. I don't understand why we can't try now? Why put the kids (and me) through something as drastic as living apart?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. Bottom line, if 6 months seperated saves his life and gives your kids a healthier Dad, then maybe it's worth it to do what he's asking. Sometimes in early recovery, and he's really early, they can't focus on anything but not drinking. If you push him to come home and he's not ready, then it just escalates the situation. You can't do anything to control his decision about drinking or relationships, you can only control your own behavior. If you want him sober, I would offer that you "partner" with him in supporting his sobriety, which will mean living apart for now.
Take the time to work on you. I love "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It has daily readings that really help me to let go of others and work on me. Go to AlAnon and find support there. If you work on you, and if your AH is truly working on him, he will see the changes in your life together.
BTW - my relationship with my AB was "toxic" as well. What it meant for me is that we were both ill as a result of the chaos, worry, drama, pain that goes along with the disease. The enabling, fighting, etc made our re'ship toxic. It certainly wasn't a healthy relationship, we weren't good for each other like that.
Take the time to work on you. I love "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It has daily readings that really help me to let go of others and work on me. Go to AlAnon and find support there. If you work on you, and if your AH is truly working on him, he will see the changes in your life together.
BTW - my relationship with my AB was "toxic" as well. What it meant for me is that we were both ill as a result of the chaos, worry, drama, pain that goes along with the disease. The enabling, fighting, etc made our re'ship toxic. It certainly wasn't a healthy relationship, we weren't good for each other like that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I don't understand why we can't try now? Why put the kids (and me) through something as drastic as living apart? "
There is nothing more drastic for children than living in a home where addiction is present. They hear and see everything and that means they have viewed his raging first hand. This situation is not healthy for your children, they will carry their childhood into adulthood.
Instead of crying about him not being with you, take this time to work on you, read about addiction and recovery. Have you read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs...if not, I would suggest that you do both. Driving by and checking on another is indicitive of being codependent.
Recovery from addiction requires that one be as selfish in recovery as they were in the throws of addiction. IMO, in order for this relationship to work, you both need to get healthy.
There is nothing more drastic for children than living in a home where addiction is present. They hear and see everything and that means they have viewed his raging first hand. This situation is not healthy for your children, they will carry their childhood into adulthood.
Instead of crying about him not being with you, take this time to work on you, read about addiction and recovery. Have you read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs...if not, I would suggest that you do both. Driving by and checking on another is indicitive of being codependent.
Recovery from addiction requires that one be as selfish in recovery as they were in the throws of addiction. IMO, in order for this relationship to work, you both need to get healthy.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hey... Let him go. He will either get sober or not. He's worthless drunk he might be with keeping in 6 months or not. Doesn't 6 months of peace and serenity sound attractive?. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you! Are you in alanon? Highly recommended!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Justshy - Do you go to Alanon or have you read any of the literature for those who have lived with an alcoholic? If you haven't then I think you will find it sooo helpful. What is happening to you is really common. It is certainly what happened to me.
My husband left me many times - each time for different reasons. Once he left after our first child was born - I had post natal depression and he felt he was too young 'to be tied down' . Then he left because he needed 'time to network'. Then he left because our children had grown up and 'I had not paid him attention when they were young.' It was always my fault he was not happy and he felt - 'I was not the one to make him happy'.
No matter what way you look at it the root of the problem is all the same - alcoholism. They (the A's) feel that if they change their circumstances this will help! I for one find that ridiculous! If you were recovering from cancer you would not have to move out. People say they have to work on themselves and you should give them space. I would say one thing - at the times my STBXA gave up drink - he was a 'nightmare' to be around. And I wish now he had gone somewhere else.
As to people saying you are clingy, yes you are - I was and still am. It is what the disease does to US! Our reactions are no longer normal, we are no longer normal. When people told me to let go I really just wanted to punch them in the face and scream "but I can't live without him. " Now I feel quite different. Nobody should have to live like we do and we don't either. Look at his time away as a 'holiday' for you. Most never go out of our lives forever especially if we have children. Like my father-in-law eventually the penny does drop with most people who behave like this. They end up in later life having lost their wives, home and money. And they are LONELY! The question is while he is finding himself you can either wait for him, or, you can start working on you, living your life , and so whether you end up together or not at least you will be happy - and believe me if you work on yourself - you will be happy. Nothing is as awful as living with a raging alcoholic. Again the disease makes us ignore this fact. We dread a future without them - even though it is actually a happier future than being with someone who does not appreciate us or cherish us.
I was watching Sex and the city over the holidays after Big Stands Carrie up at the alter and then has to crawl , grovel for nearly a year to get her back. Even though he was sorry for what he had done minutes afterwards. And I thought - yes I have been treated like c**p for years and this is where it stops.
You deserve to be happy . You're so not alone and there is help in alanon and in the literature. ((Hugs)).
My husband left me many times - each time for different reasons. Once he left after our first child was born - I had post natal depression and he felt he was too young 'to be tied down' . Then he left because he needed 'time to network'. Then he left because our children had grown up and 'I had not paid him attention when they were young.' It was always my fault he was not happy and he felt - 'I was not the one to make him happy'.
No matter what way you look at it the root of the problem is all the same - alcoholism. They (the A's) feel that if they change their circumstances this will help! I for one find that ridiculous! If you were recovering from cancer you would not have to move out. People say they have to work on themselves and you should give them space. I would say one thing - at the times my STBXA gave up drink - he was a 'nightmare' to be around. And I wish now he had gone somewhere else.
As to people saying you are clingy, yes you are - I was and still am. It is what the disease does to US! Our reactions are no longer normal, we are no longer normal. When people told me to let go I really just wanted to punch them in the face and scream "but I can't live without him. " Now I feel quite different. Nobody should have to live like we do and we don't either. Look at his time away as a 'holiday' for you. Most never go out of our lives forever especially if we have children. Like my father-in-law eventually the penny does drop with most people who behave like this. They end up in later life having lost their wives, home and money. And they are LONELY! The question is while he is finding himself you can either wait for him, or, you can start working on you, living your life , and so whether you end up together or not at least you will be happy - and believe me if you work on yourself - you will be happy. Nothing is as awful as living with a raging alcoholic. Again the disease makes us ignore this fact. We dread a future without them - even though it is actually a happier future than being with someone who does not appreciate us or cherish us.
I was watching Sex and the city over the holidays after Big Stands Carrie up at the alter and then has to crawl , grovel for nearly a year to get her back. Even though he was sorry for what he had done minutes afterwards. And I thought - yes I have been treated like c**p for years and this is where it stops.
You deserve to be happy . You're so not alone and there is help in alanon and in the literature. ((Hugs)).
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