Husband's relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6
Husband's relapse
I am very distraught this morning. My husband has been out of treatment for 2 weeks and has again began drinking. He hides drinking from me so I don't know and be disappointed in him. He says it's because he thinks he's protecting me. But then he's lied to me and that's worse. I always find out eventually. How do I let him relapse and not go nuts myself? I get so upset when I finally find out - uncontrollable crying, throwing things, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am so sorry for what brought you here Knobby. Do you have any support in place for yourself?
Therapy and Al-Anon really helped me. As well as learning about co-dependacy.
Hugs today and take care of you....
Therapy and Al-Anon really helped me. As well as learning about co-dependacy.
Hugs today and take care of you....
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, I'd say that he is not ready for recovery yet. Addicts lie and then they lie somemore, it is part of their disease. He is not in recovery, he is in the throws of active usuage.
What are you doing for you? Have you attended Alanon meetings? Read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
Also take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, it will help you to better understand his disease, and what you need to do...for you.
What are you doing for you? Have you attended Alanon meetings? Read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
Also take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, it will help you to better understand his disease, and what you need to do...for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Knobby 58 - i went through the same last summer, my husband relapsed after 10 years of sobriety. He also hid his drinking and for weeks not only was I terrified he was drinking I wondered if I was just crazy as he denied it.
I was advised by those on here by those who know much more than I to go to Al Anon. I fought it, I didn't want to ....and then I did. It was the best thing I could have ever done.
Sorry this is happening - there are things you can do to help yourself - I hope that you will.
I was advised by those on here by those who know much more than I to go to Al Anon. I fought it, I didn't want to ....and then I did. It was the best thing I could have ever done.
Sorry this is happening - there are things you can do to help yourself - I hope that you will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6
Just meetings helped you. has he stopped drinking again? how do you cope and go on with daily life? I couldn't get out of bed this morning. racking sobbing when i went to be. crying again when i woke up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Knobby58 - my heart goes out to you. I also live in a small town (though mine is in another country where no one speaks English) so I have no support either and have felt very alone. It's certainly not easy...
But I see you have only recently joined Sober Recovery also. There is a great deal of support on this site, so spend as much time as you can reading about other people's stories and asking the questions you need to ask. It does help and you do start to see that this isn't all just happening to you. Take heart from knowing a lot of people have dealt with some version or other of what you are dealing with and had similarly dark days and nights, but go on to live happy lives.
But I see you have only recently joined Sober Recovery also. There is a great deal of support on this site, so spend as much time as you can reading about other people's stories and asking the questions you need to ask. It does help and you do start to see that this isn't all just happening to you. Take heart from knowing a lot of people have dealt with some version or other of what you are dealing with and had similarly dark days and nights, but go on to live happy lives.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
SMART recovery family and friends were using a book called "Get Your Loved One Sober" a while back, I'm not sure if it's still available.
You can search their website for GYLOS to get a feeling for how it was used and the results people acheived.
You can search their website for GYLOS to get a feeling for how it was used and the results people acheived.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Knobby, please stick around SR and read as much as you can to learn about alcoholism and how it affects friends and family. I live in an area where Al-Anon isn't widely available, so I use individual counseling (twice a month when I have a sitter) and SR (every day).
Don't write off counseling yet. If you can pay cash for counseling, many counselors will drastically lower their rate just so they can avoid billing through insurance. My counselor sees me for $25 cash per session. Things are tight at home, but I can afford $50 a month to have a place that's just for me.
Take care of yourself. Thanks for joining SR. You're in good company.
Don't write off counseling yet. If you can pay cash for counseling, many counselors will drastically lower their rate just so they can avoid billing through insurance. My counselor sees me for $25 cash per session. Things are tight at home, but I can afford $50 a month to have a place that's just for me.
Take care of yourself. Thanks for joining SR. You're in good company.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes my husband has stopped drinking. I don't want you to look at my situation through rose colored glasses though. My husband also has serious illness associated with his alcoholism from way back and I do feel that is part of the reason he stopped because he was starting to get sick.
I believe the changes I made for myself and my codependency encouraged AH - I stopped being his caretaker and detached from him which was frightening for him. Us separating became a reality. Our relationship now is 100% better. I am not "cured" from codependency yet - still working on it and am well aware that he could always relapse again. That's the acceptance of staying with an A, you can't ever trick yourself into thinking they won't because its always possible.
As far as people finding out - you have to get over that. Protecting the A and secrecy are their tools as well as the codependent. There was another thread on here not too long ago of a member whose son relapsed and she was afraid of people finding out - but went to get help for herself and was amazed at the support she got. Will try to remember who it was.....
In the meantime read "Codependent no more" - post often and ask questions - read as much as you can about his disease so you can understand it.
I believe the changes I made for myself and my codependency encouraged AH - I stopped being his caretaker and detached from him which was frightening for him. Us separating became a reality. Our relationship now is 100% better. I am not "cured" from codependency yet - still working on it and am well aware that he could always relapse again. That's the acceptance of staying with an A, you can't ever trick yourself into thinking they won't because its always possible.
As far as people finding out - you have to get over that. Protecting the A and secrecy are their tools as well as the codependent. There was another thread on here not too long ago of a member whose son relapsed and she was afraid of people finding out - but went to get help for herself and was amazed at the support she got. Will try to remember who it was.....
In the meantime read "Codependent no more" - post often and ask questions - read as much as you can about his disease so you can understand it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am glad you are here, but sad about the reason that brought you here. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as much as needed.
I too wondered about anonymity at Al Anon because I worked at a retail job where I see and am seen by many people every day. Then I realized ~ those people don't know what my husband looks like or what his name is.
So, I went to a meeting. I loved it! I couldn't say a word the first time, but I loved the sense of understanding, the warm welcome, and the feeling of peace that came over me for that one hour.
The anonymity of the program protects the family and the alcoholic. I don't know why some members are at one of the big meetings I attend. Their qualifier may be deceased, may be a parent, may be a child or may be a co-worker. There are lots of reasons people attend Alanon.
It is recommended that you try 6 meetings to determine if the program is for you.
I also realized that I was tired of pretending that everything was okay behind the closed doors of my home. Everything was not okay and I was exhausted from trying so hard to make it appear everything was okay. I needed support!
While living with active alcoholism in my home, I was so distracted/consumed that I couldn't think straight. Then I found a list of steps posted on this website. Steps that I followed and I finally began to get clarity and focus again. Here is a link to the SR post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I am glad you are here, but sad about the reason that brought you here. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as much as needed.
I too wondered about anonymity at Al Anon because I worked at a retail job where I see and am seen by many people every day. Then I realized ~ those people don't know what my husband looks like or what his name is.
So, I went to a meeting. I loved it! I couldn't say a word the first time, but I loved the sense of understanding, the warm welcome, and the feeling of peace that came over me for that one hour.
The anonymity of the program protects the family and the alcoholic. I don't know why some members are at one of the big meetings I attend. Their qualifier may be deceased, may be a parent, may be a child or may be a co-worker. There are lots of reasons people attend Alanon.
It is recommended that you try 6 meetings to determine if the program is for you.
I also realized that I was tired of pretending that everything was okay behind the closed doors of my home. Everything was not okay and I was exhausted from trying so hard to make it appear everything was okay. I needed support!
While living with active alcoholism in my home, I was so distracted/consumed that I couldn't think straight. Then I found a list of steps posted on this website. Steps that I followed and I finally began to get clarity and focus again. Here is a link to the SR post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Knobby,
You have taken an important first step and that is reaching out for information on this forum. Here you will find men and women who have walked in your moccasins and understand how overwhelmed you are feeling right now. Their experience, strength and hope will help you walk out your journey through this tough time.
No one can tell your next step is because it is for you to discover after researching the situation and determining your choices. Making an educated decision rather than an emotional one is what you should set as a goal for the future.
Alcoholism is a very complicated disease and it is a family disease that affects everyone close to the alcoholic. In my opinion those who are not drinking have it worst that the alcoholic because we cannot check out with a drink which is their "solution".
Going to rehab is just geography... it is not "recovery". Not drinking is not simply not drinking and it also not true "recovery". Becoming abstinent just makes potential recovery possible... it is completely impossible if the A is in active addiction.
How committed is your A to authentic recovery? Why did he go to rehab? Was it his choice because he desperately wants to live a sober life? Did he have a relapse prevention plan from the rehab center? Was he active in a program of recovery such as AA?
Unless he truly is willing (an important word) to do "whatever it takes" in a program of action the rehab may have just been geography although what he experienced there might be of some benefit if he continues on a plan of recovery.
Understanding where he is at is a point where you can start planning a future that considers that he may never stop drinking... that is the best that it gets. For some spouses they learn how to cope with life and find peace and serenity despite the active alcoholism.
Others, like myself, choose to create no alcohol boundaries and eventually find the strength and resolve to allow the A to find their own way out of alcohlism without our being in their lives. In my case, my XA found true recovery because I did cut all ties with him and that forced him to take care of himself which he simply cannot do while actively drinking.
Every situation is different and what worked in my case may not be the path you choose. It's a turning point when we come to a place that we realize that we do have choices and we can become happy and joyous and free again.
If Alanon is not an option for you because of location I would suggest that find an online meeting... they were having one here on Wednesdays. There are other online forums and I know many alanon members work the steps with a sponsor over the phone.
Just getting reading materials and reading this website will work for the time being... there is a LOT of recovery on this website (for you).
Please take care of you. And keep coming back.
You have taken an important first step and that is reaching out for information on this forum. Here you will find men and women who have walked in your moccasins and understand how overwhelmed you are feeling right now. Their experience, strength and hope will help you walk out your journey through this tough time.
No one can tell your next step is because it is for you to discover after researching the situation and determining your choices. Making an educated decision rather than an emotional one is what you should set as a goal for the future.
Alcoholism is a very complicated disease and it is a family disease that affects everyone close to the alcoholic. In my opinion those who are not drinking have it worst that the alcoholic because we cannot check out with a drink which is their "solution".
Going to rehab is just geography... it is not "recovery". Not drinking is not simply not drinking and it also not true "recovery". Becoming abstinent just makes potential recovery possible... it is completely impossible if the A is in active addiction.
How committed is your A to authentic recovery? Why did he go to rehab? Was it his choice because he desperately wants to live a sober life? Did he have a relapse prevention plan from the rehab center? Was he active in a program of recovery such as AA?
Unless he truly is willing (an important word) to do "whatever it takes" in a program of action the rehab may have just been geography although what he experienced there might be of some benefit if he continues on a plan of recovery.
Understanding where he is at is a point where you can start planning a future that considers that he may never stop drinking... that is the best that it gets. For some spouses they learn how to cope with life and find peace and serenity despite the active alcoholism.
Others, like myself, choose to create no alcohol boundaries and eventually find the strength and resolve to allow the A to find their own way out of alcohlism without our being in their lives. In my case, my XA found true recovery because I did cut all ties with him and that forced him to take care of himself which he simply cannot do while actively drinking.
Every situation is different and what worked in my case may not be the path you choose. It's a turning point when we come to a place that we realize that we do have choices and we can become happy and joyous and free again.
If Alanon is not an option for you because of location I would suggest that find an online meeting... they were having one here on Wednesdays. There are other online forums and I know many alanon members work the steps with a sponsor over the phone.
Just getting reading materials and reading this website will work for the time being... there is a LOT of recovery on this website (for you).
Please take care of you. And keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
(((Hugs))) knobby! It is so hard!
My AH has lied so much to me to *protect* his bottle. He had to hit bottom and know my ass was leaving if he didn't stop. He stopped but summer time is on the way n he has an 850lb hunk of metal with 2 wheels in the garage that screams *drink vodka n ride me*. It's a huge trigger that makes me down right miserable! I have made no secrets that that bike will disappear if he drinks at all. I'm in no mood to let him put another life at risk because he wants to be an ass!
Stick around n read. We're here for you.
My AH has lied so much to me to *protect* his bottle. He had to hit bottom and know my ass was leaving if he didn't stop. He stopped but summer time is on the way n he has an 850lb hunk of metal with 2 wheels in the garage that screams *drink vodka n ride me*. It's a huge trigger that makes me down right miserable! I have made no secrets that that bike will disappear if he drinks at all. I'm in no mood to let him put another life at risk because he wants to be an ass!
Stick around n read. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 72
Hi Knobby,
Great to see you have posted. Thought I would also mention that on Wednesday at 9pm EST there is a friends and family meeting in the chat room - you are most welcome to attend.
There is a password to attend which you can get from opivotal or DefofLov on the day - just click on their names and ask them.
Apologies that I didn't let you know yesterday, I only found out about it today.
KB
Great to see you have posted. Thought I would also mention that on Wednesday at 9pm EST there is a friends and family meeting in the chat room - you are most welcome to attend.
There is a password to attend which you can get from opivotal or DefofLov on the day - just click on their names and ask them.
Apologies that I didn't let you know yesterday, I only found out about it today.
KB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6
I want to sincerely thank everyone for their kindness in answering my posts. I can tell this is a place I will refer to often for support as I work toward a more stable life for myself. It's funny because I am so very knowledgeable about alcoholism.
I grew up with a horrifically cruel alcoholic mother until I was 7, was then raised by an alcoholic father who was mostly kind and supported us financially but was never "there" for us. I began using alcohol at 12 and drugs at 14. I then married an alcoholic/drug addict and stayed with him 10 years in addiction. I hit bottom and divorced him. Not realizing I was an addict myself, I continued to drink daily and smoke pot occasionally.
I remarried my current husband who is much like my father, kind and until several years ago, a high functioning alcoholic like myself. We had two children, good jobs, and a nice home together. Then things gradually became unmanageable. I had a severe anxiety attack that prevented me from working full time. Through some mental health counselling sessions and research on the internet, I realized I may have a drinking problem. I realized that the 4-6 beers a day I was consuming was really not casual drinking for a woman. I tried to cut back...couldn't. I faced it on my own, I was an alcoholic. I suppose because I am a very strong willed person, I was able to stop drinking on my own without AA, relying only on myself, my spirituality and a bit of counseling.
I've been sober for about 10 years now, only one or two very minor relapses, a couple of glasses of wine with friends, which my husband doesn't know about. So you can see, I do know about alcoholism.
What I suppose I'm having the most trouble with is the emotions that tear me apart when he relapses. Even though I know each of us have a different path to recovery, I'm so upset when his falters.
He has been going to meetings each day, sometimes twice a day, since he left rehab. His trigger to drink was news about an upcoming court date for his DWI. Because of one in another state during that same year, he knows they're going to throw the book at him and he's scared. I suppose it may be better if he finds a sponsor and works the AA/NA program more completely. I do know that's for him to work on. I stay out of it. I keep praying to my God for strength and patience. It's all I've got left and thankfully this body of mine has been provided with plenty of both...most of the time. But I get weak and weary just like all other humans and I am so very grateful to each of you humans that have taken time out of your day to help with my healing. We need each other and I hope I can be there for you sometime as well. Please know you may call on me at any time. I've bookmarked this site and will refer to it often now that I know it's here. Peace
I grew up with a horrifically cruel alcoholic mother until I was 7, was then raised by an alcoholic father who was mostly kind and supported us financially but was never "there" for us. I began using alcohol at 12 and drugs at 14. I then married an alcoholic/drug addict and stayed with him 10 years in addiction. I hit bottom and divorced him. Not realizing I was an addict myself, I continued to drink daily and smoke pot occasionally.
I remarried my current husband who is much like my father, kind and until several years ago, a high functioning alcoholic like myself. We had two children, good jobs, and a nice home together. Then things gradually became unmanageable. I had a severe anxiety attack that prevented me from working full time. Through some mental health counselling sessions and research on the internet, I realized I may have a drinking problem. I realized that the 4-6 beers a day I was consuming was really not casual drinking for a woman. I tried to cut back...couldn't. I faced it on my own, I was an alcoholic. I suppose because I am a very strong willed person, I was able to stop drinking on my own without AA, relying only on myself, my spirituality and a bit of counseling.
I've been sober for about 10 years now, only one or two very minor relapses, a couple of glasses of wine with friends, which my husband doesn't know about. So you can see, I do know about alcoholism.
What I suppose I'm having the most trouble with is the emotions that tear me apart when he relapses. Even though I know each of us have a different path to recovery, I'm so upset when his falters.
He has been going to meetings each day, sometimes twice a day, since he left rehab. His trigger to drink was news about an upcoming court date for his DWI. Because of one in another state during that same year, he knows they're going to throw the book at him and he's scared. I suppose it may be better if he finds a sponsor and works the AA/NA program more completely. I do know that's for him to work on. I stay out of it. I keep praying to my God for strength and patience. It's all I've got left and thankfully this body of mine has been provided with plenty of both...most of the time. But I get weak and weary just like all other humans and I am so very grateful to each of you humans that have taken time out of your day to help with my healing. We need each other and I hope I can be there for you sometime as well. Please know you may call on me at any time. I've bookmarked this site and will refer to it often now that I know it's here. Peace
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