Something that made me say "Hmmm"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Something that made me say "Hmmm"
On another forum a woman posted that she was worried about her neighbor's children, whose mother was apparently drunk most of the time. She wondered what she could do. One person who responded was a recovered addict who suggested that if the time was right, the poster speak to the neighbor woman about her drinking and give her some info on AA. She also said that "alcoholics are often ashamed of their inability to quit drinking".
That last part really threw me, but I didn't say anything. It seems to me that one of the characteristics of an alcoholic is their INABILITY to feel any shame whatsoever about their drinking and what they do to others. I think this is true even during periods of sobriety, from my experiences with them.
Is it just me? What do others think? In your experience are most alcoholics lacking the ability to feel shame, or do you think they are really capable of feeling such an emotion as shame or regret for their actions?
That last part really threw me, but I didn't say anything. It seems to me that one of the characteristics of an alcoholic is their INABILITY to feel any shame whatsoever about their drinking and what they do to others. I think this is true even during periods of sobriety, from my experiences with them.
Is it just me? What do others think? In your experience are most alcoholics lacking the ability to feel shame, or do you think they are really capable of feeling such an emotion as shame or regret for their actions?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Feeling shame and showing remorse are two entirely different things. My belief is that most alcoholics feel an immense amount of shame and self-loathing, which in turn fuels their desire to drink. The bravado and grandiosity they show the world is nothing more than a cover.
L
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by ady gil 
alcoholism - cunning, baffling, powerful - black is white and white is black when it comes to the disease in my experience.
I can say in my experience my AH (STBXAH I hope) was ashamed of his inability to quit drinking (I found this out during some of his recovery attempts) but at the same time acted shamefully while drinking...ahh...the insanity. When he was in a sober period he would tell me things like feeling ashamed because he would sit on the couch and obsess about getting a drink at times - to the point where he would almost involuntarily walk around the block 15 times trying to go to the "store" while at the same time not wanting to go to the store for the drink, it is baffling for sure. This is why it makes us feel so insane I think and why we have to just let it go...I don't think it will ever make sense. In the end making sense of it made me go in circles and prevented me from taking the steps to help myself...finally I started taking steps for me, but it took a long time due to the nature of it all.
I can say in my experience my AH (STBXAH I hope) was ashamed of his inability to quit drinking (I found this out during some of his recovery attempts) but at the same time acted shamefully while drinking...ahh...the insanity. When he was in a sober period he would tell me things like feeling ashamed because he would sit on the couch and obsess about getting a drink at times - to the point where he would almost involuntarily walk around the block 15 times trying to go to the "store" while at the same time not wanting to go to the store for the drink, it is baffling for sure. This is why it makes us feel so insane I think and why we have to just let it go...I don't think it will ever make sense. In the end making sense of it made me go in circles and prevented me from taking the steps to help myself...finally I started taking steps for me, but it took a long time due to the nature of it all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by choublak
I think it's more of an inability to see the impact of their drinking on so many other people, which is why AA has the part about making amends to those you've hurt in the past.
But I had a friend who tried to pull the amends thing on me and on others. We all saw right through it. She was going through the motions because she was supposed to, but she did not feel sorry for anything she had done. Her attitude was that she was an alcoholic, so she had a disease and therefore whatever she had done was excusable.
I wonder if there are A's out there who have felt true remorse for what they have done to others without qualifying their actions as just a sidebar of their having a disease, but taking full responsibility.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
They feel shame they drown it in a bottle. Which is why recovery is lifelong.
They dont face never drinking again they face dealing with life without it.
Coping skills. Does that mean that their blaming is correct? No....
It means that normal day to day struggles and functions that they blame for drinking is too much..
Not because they cannot handle it but because their coping to handle it is by drinking.
Example. Ah says I am the reason he drinks. I nag.
Solution- communication.
But you cannot have proper communication with an active addict.
I trailed a bit. But yes they feel shame it is however that they wamt or feel need for more and then shamed ....they drown it away. Idk if that was easy to follow. My thought process lol
They dont face never drinking again they face dealing with life without it.
Coping skills. Does that mean that their blaming is correct? No....
It means that normal day to day struggles and functions that they blame for drinking is too much..
Not because they cannot handle it but because their coping to handle it is by drinking.
Example. Ah says I am the reason he drinks. I nag.
Solution- communication.
But you cannot have proper communication with an active addict.
I trailed a bit. But yes they feel shame it is however that they wamt or feel need for more and then shamed ....they drown it away. Idk if that was easy to follow. My thought process lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
They feel shame they drown it in a bottle. Which is why recovery is lifelong.
They dont face never drinking again they face dealing with life without it.
Coping skills. Does that mean that their blaming is correct? No....
It means that normal day to day struggles and functions that they blame for drinking is too much..
Not because they cannot handle it but because their coping to handle it is by drinking.
Example. Ah says I am the reason he drinks. I nag.
Solution- communication.
But you cannot have proper communication with an active addict.
I trailed a bit. But yes they feel shame it is however that they wamt or feel need for more and then shamed ....they drown it away. Idk if that was easy to follow. My thought process lol
They dont face never drinking again they face dealing with life without it.
Coping skills. Does that mean that their blaming is correct? No....
It means that normal day to day struggles and functions that they blame for drinking is too much..
Not because they cannot handle it but because their coping to handle it is by drinking.
Example. Ah says I am the reason he drinks. I nag.
Solution- communication.
But you cannot have proper communication with an active addict.
I trailed a bit. But yes they feel shame it is however that they wamt or feel need for more and then shamed ....they drown it away. Idk if that was easy to follow. My thought process lol
That's why I return here from time to time, especially on days such as today that are supposed to be new beginnings and sometimes I see nothing but blackness ahead where there was once hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by ady gil
Well I can't take credit for the first sentence (except the in my experience part haha) - I got that from a meeting I went to (I do think the joint AA/Alanon or open AA meetings can be valuable for us too, I go to a joint meeting weekly)...it was invaluable to me and I'm so glad I heard that at that meeting, at the time it was exactly what I needed to hear to take the next step. 
PS - To find out about the joint meetings you have to ask around at regular meetings, they generally aren't listed in the directories...though in my area I heard recently that is going to change. I can say at those meetings I have truly met some RA's that did make true amends (not all but that's true of all people in life).
PS - To find out about the joint meetings you have to ask around at regular meetings, they generally aren't listed in the directories...though in my area I heard recently that is going to change. I can say at those meetings I have truly met some RA's that did make true amends (not all but that's true of all people in life).
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
