lovingenabler

Last year my XABF and I had just broken up on December 23rd because I told his mom he is an alcoholic.... This year, my XABF (same one) and I have just broken up on December 23rd because we had a completely unrelated fight and he so happened to remembered that exactly one year ago I told his mom he is an alcoholic!!! One year of my life went by and nothing changed, nothing is forgiven, he is still an alcoholic, I am still in love with him, but this time I am determined to accept NOTHING short of his sobreity and rehabilitation..........

This is so painful, I can't even describe the feeling. I guess I could say that I feel rather numb. My family is visiting from out of town and I can't get myself to feel GLEE, JOY, HAPPINESS!!! I just want to wish him a happy new year, tell him I love him and light a white candle for what was once a beautiful relationship.... We were once happy, at least I was, before realizing he had a problem, and now all of that is gone and I can't discern between the truths and the lies, between the loving human that he is, and the disease that has taken control of him.

I don't know if the roses that he brought me were because he loved me, or because he needed to do something "good" in order to justify his "bad"... All his loving words, his caresses, the plans we made together, was he lying all along??? The music that we wrote together....

I feel so sad to think that I lived in a lie for 3 years..... WAS ANY OF HIS LOVE EVER REAL??????? i gave him my all

Boxguy

Good byes are always painful but sometimes it is time to move on. It'll get better I really do believe time heals all wounds. Right now you need to do what is best for you. I will also be single this New Year but with family I never truly feel alone- I am very lucky in that respect.

brokenrose

Hi lovingenabler, when I read your posts, I literally can feel your pain and I am in the exact same situation as you, mine broke up with me 2 months ago today.....obviously I'm not a therapist or counsellor and am emotionally broken but I think maybe they did love us for a time as much as people with addictions can love us....but the moment we become hindrances, or try to impede their drinking they throw us away because we have become a threat...but if you look at it from a different perspective, that means they just always wanted us to be doormats and never call them on their actions which were hurting us. I too have believed that he ended up dumping me because I was threatening to leave him so his huge ego thought I'll dump her first and hurt her.....that's also part of their emotional abuse,I really think a huge part of him gets a kick out of hurting others. I know for a fact he left other relationships the exact same way.....but I thought I was special well guess what? So did they, now those exs have all moved on and I'm the one sitting here with a broken heart. You are young, only 26, Gosh I wish I could trade places with you, I turned 40 this year and feel so alone and defeated. Anyways I hope this helped, I am so sorry for your pain, it has to get better though, lets pray that it does. Happy New Year, all the best.

BrokenAmbitions

Goodbyes can sometime turn into see you when you're not so sick..if it helps in many recovery books it mentions how if he had cancer you'd not feel pain or hurt but be there..all you can do is take care of you !

Valll

Dear lovingenabler,

it must be very painful to not have the answers that you are looking for... in reality, you may just have to let go and tell yourself that you will never know if his feelings were real or not. You will only know the answer once he is sober (if you want to give him another chance that is)

Happy New Year to you and good luck for the futurex

Thepatman

This is sad lovingenabler. I lost 2 years of my life to someone similar. Someone that never really forgives nor asks for forgiveness. I am still picking myself up from the fallout.

don't ask yourself if he ever loved you. I personally stopped and told myself maybe, but my description of love and hers are like apple and oranges

Buffalo66

I commented on your other thread, but wanted to also note that, while I do have a son, I now really have enjoyed spending my New Years eve preparing my mind for my new year. It's all about me and my son.

It's all about making my own life what I want it to be. It'sall about "giving my all" to me now. It's amazing to me how much energy I had tied up in HIM and his pity and sickness.

His pity and sickness is his to work out.

BrokenAmbitions

With every door that closes you can stand and stare at it desperately waiting for it to spring open like a jack in the box..or just look around for all the other doors opening as it shut... tbh until I got sober im hoping this helps you get closure with it all and the disease..

When I was drinking I don't recall feelings I truly didn't know what it was to feel any emotions I told people what they wanted to hear. But as I always say..

The best part about sobriety is you get your feelings back...The very worst thing about sobriety...

You get your feelings back. Only then truly will u find peace with it its hard to get closure with a drunk I was good at opening bottles closing them..or anything I may need no matter what it may have been I manipulated it so it'd be there for me...

Don't let that happen to you.. if in his case this post helps you...by sharing what it used to be like and what its like now pfft I should do a 5thstep forum post itd be loads easier. my heart and prayers are with you pm me if u need to talk to someone who isn't scared to tell you how my sick thinking was maybe might help you feel closure with it (given I'm not thst person anymore but i can't regret the past..nor wish to shut the door on it..without it I wouldn't be the amazing man I can face in the mirror I pray he someday wont have to numb that reflection starring back at him anymore..

Sent from my 4.2.1 JB I717 Galaxy Note using Xparent SoberRecovery beta by BA

Tuffgirl

Wow, this is great, thanks Patman! I remember when it first dawned on me that my exAH and I had very different descriptions of what "love" and "marriage" look like - it was the beginning of the end. Recognizing this took away the feeling of being victimized by the break up. It took away a lot of that anger and blame-storming tendencies on my part, as well. Suddenly, it became more about an overall incompatibility than who did what and why.

It was still sad, just not so devastating, when put in this perspective.

Peace,
~T

Kassie2

From my experience, A's just do whatever they think/feel at the time. They are always in a state of denial. The A in my life a few years ago, instead of threatening to leave me a week before Christmas- told me he would show up but was angry (drunk). I found it within myself to tell him not to bother.

He then told me it was over. Then proceeded to call me daily. And months later when talk of divorce came up - he still threatened me. I was confused and bothered at the time. Since then I have learned that I can not control him nor his drinking. I did what I needed to do for me. I felt much love for him for a long time - and at the same time recognized that he was doing the best he could. It was not enough.

So I love him from a distance. Let him sort out how to live his life. In the mean time, to quote my son's facebook message to me... " I am proud of you to have moved on this year and found a better and fulfilling life.".

That meant a lot to me. Hoping you will be strengthened to do what is best for you this coming year.

Rosiepetal

Sorry for your pain.
I remember feeling just like you & had all the same questions.
I have found educating myself on alcoholism has helped a lot.
I am single at New Year once again while my xabf is out partying with new/old ex girlfriend.
One day at a time for now & try to focus on yourself & having a healthy life.
I know it's hard so hugs to you.

lovingenabler

Hey guys!!! Just wanted to let you know that I didn't contact him last night. I did not write, did not text, did not call, did not FB!!!! He did not do any of the above either, so somehow I felt releived that I didn't either... I just take it like he doesn't care. So much for our "HUGE, AWESOME, ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME LOVE", huh????? Small steps, right??? One day at a time.............. Thanks to all of you for you kind words of support!!!!!!

NYCDoglvr

I had a holiday like yours and it was shattering. He was irresponsible, uncaring and hurtful but I still said I loved him. What I learned later in Alanon was what I felt was extreem need, not love, because how can you even like someone who destroys so much of your life? I hope you find the answers that lesson your misery, not add to it. Do you think he's sitting around mourning you? Not if he has alcohol.

firestorm090

Hi loving

I haven't posted in the f&f section for a couple years, however your story touched me deeply, prompting a brief response.

As with all things in life, not all alcoholics are the same, although we have similarities, as all people do. I can only comment for myself, and I can assure you I was married to a wonderful lady like yourself and many others here, and yet I destroyed our marriage due to my alcohol and drug use.

I never intentionally wanted to hurt my wife, but I did so repeatedly because I was truly a very sick person inside. She never did anything to warrant the harm I brought her way. It's nearly impossible to explain just how sick alcohol can make the human mind, especially large quantities of it consumed regularly. It changes people, literally changes people, it can make a loving person into someone you don't know anymore, it can make a successful person into someone panhandling on a street corner. It destroys families and causes enormous losses on every level in the lives of all affected, or associated with the user. I have never, in 30+ years of drinking, ever met anyone who intentionally wanted to become an alcoholic. It creeps up on people, good people who then become addicted to the affect it has on them. I honestly can say I never wanted to hurt anyone while I was drinking, I became lost in a world I never imagined even existed, and never wanted to get caught up in. It is easier now to see the red flags that warned me of the possible consequences, but hindsight is 20/20.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe he is so lost he doesn't have a clue what he is losing due to his obsession with the drink. I do not excuse alcoholic behavior, however being an alcoholic has led me to want to understand what happened to me in order to prevent it from happening again, and maybe help another avoid the same hell on earth. I know I was clueless for years, however some very kind, knowledgeable and supportive people helped me pull free from the bottle and place my dependencies elsewhere, for I am still human and prone to be dependent.

My ex wife and I are now friends and have even discussed getting back together, however I would never want to hurt her again, so I stay away. Time and change do make some relationships healthier in the long run.

I know this isn't brief, but I sincerely hope it helps you know that you are not to blame, addiction is an ugly foe.