Need More Support .... AS out of house and calling
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
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Need More Support .... AS out of house and calling
I updated in my last thread. My DH dropped AS off at a rehab center this morning and drove away. Told 22 AS that he was on his own. Its been a rough day today, but we hadn't heard from him. I had hoped he was admitted to detox or rehab. Or, his girlfriend picked him up and was going to let him live with her.
He just called and telling me he is cold outside and has no where to go. I am struggling so badly. I know these are the consequences of his drinking again. But I feel like I am going to lose my mind with worry.
Does anyone know what will happen? He was discharged from the hospital. We told him to go tell them he has nowhere to go. Will he get any support? We are not rescuing him but it is so very hard.
He just called and telling me he is cold outside and has no where to go. I am struggling so badly. I know these are the consequences of his drinking again. But I feel like I am going to lose my mind with worry.
Does anyone know what will happen? He was discharged from the hospital. We told him to go tell them he has nowhere to go. Will he get any support? We are not rescuing him but it is so very hard.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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I don't know what his contacts there will say or do for him. I wish I had more information to share with you. He will figure this out.
I wanted you to know that I am sorry you are hurting. I think you and your husband are doing what is best, even though it is the hardest thing to do.
I wanted you to know that I am sorry you are hurting. I think you and your husband are doing what is best, even though it is the hardest thing to do.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Discharged, or he walked? Keep in mind the alcoholic will always have an explanation when they leave rehab. Keep in mind he will go to you first, try to pull you back in to rescue him. He has to rescue himself. No Consequence = No Change. I am so sorry you are dealing with this at any time, but I think the holidays make it worse. Do you have a support group, like AlAnon, you can go to? Meeting face to face with a support group often helps you get through that day.
Just said a little prayer for you, your family, and your son.
Just said a little prayer for you, your family, and your son.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
In so sorry you are dealing with this - Merry effing Christmas :-(
To ease your mind perhaps you could call the rehab center and ask if they would turn him away if he walks back in there. There's a difference between nowhere to go and nowhere you want to go. If they say he can go there then he next call will be easier - he can go back to the rehab center. Sure seems implausible that he wanted to stay and try shoved him OU the door.
As a parent I ache for you but I pray to God that I would do exactly what you did.
Praying for you,
To ease your mind perhaps you could call the rehab center and ask if they would turn him away if he walks back in there. There's a difference between nowhere to go and nowhere you want to go. If they say he can go there then he next call will be easier - he can go back to the rehab center. Sure seems implausible that he wanted to stay and try shoved him OU the door.
As a parent I ache for you but I pray to God that I would do exactly what you did.
Praying for you,
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by PohsFriend 
There's a difference between nowhere to go and nowhere you want to go.
You want him to be uncomfortable, you want him to be scared. Remember that he didn't come home the night before. He has places to go, I am sure he is no fool. He is going to tug your heartstrings like they never have been before.
You mentioned something about homeless shelters in another post. When he calls again give him the addresses, YMCA, tell him to go to a local church and explain his situation and see if they are willing to help him. If speaking to him is too emotional for you hand him off to Dad. In my own experience of excommunication from the family my mom would not talk to me - she told me years later it was because she would cry
and they did not want me to hear that and use it to manipulate her.My RAH has spoken to me about the moment of "clarity" that alcoholics and addicts have before they truly reach out for sobriety when they get it. I hope this happens for your son.
Thinking of you and said prayers for your family last night including your son.
((((hugs))))
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He just called me again (always me not his Dad). Almost crying, begging me to please help him. He doesn't know what to do. He "got my point". He knows he is an alcoholic and won't drink again.
I told him we've done all we can do. That we've supported him, paid for expensive rehabs, and he chose to drink again knowing he would be kicked out if he did.
Told him to call the AA hotline and tell them he needed help. He also has health insurance and can get help if he wants it.
If he is telling the truth, the rehab/treatment facility called an ambulance and sent him to the the ER yesterday. He was discharged at ten pm last night and called me to tell me was cold and had no where to go. He is an extremely poor communicator- so I doubt he told them he wanted treatment or that he had no where to go. He spent the night as far as I can tell in the waiting room of the emergency room.
He has no car. He had $3.00 on his debit card last time I looked. He does have a paycheck here in our mailbox. He probably has not eaten in 24 hours. He desperately wants his anti depressant meds.
Please reinforce we are doing the right thing ... I know if we brought him back then nothing would change.
I told him we've done all we can do. That we've supported him, paid for expensive rehabs, and he chose to drink again knowing he would be kicked out if he did.
Told him to call the AA hotline and tell them he needed help. He also has health insurance and can get help if he wants it.
If he is telling the truth, the rehab/treatment facility called an ambulance and sent him to the the ER yesterday. He was discharged at ten pm last night and called me to tell me was cold and had no where to go. He is an extremely poor communicator- so I doubt he told them he wanted treatment or that he had no where to go. He spent the night as far as I can tell in the waiting room of the emergency room.
He has no car. He had $3.00 on his debit card last time I looked. He does have a paycheck here in our mailbox. He probably has not eaten in 24 hours. He desperately wants his anti depressant meds.
Please reinforce we are doing the right thing ... I know if we brought him back then nothing would change.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
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I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you to do the right thing when it goes against every instinct as a parent. I will pray for you, your husband, and your son in this difficult time.
You are very strong, and the love you have for your son is very evident. You are doing the right thing.
You are very strong, and the love you have for your son is very evident. You are doing the right thing.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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If you think it would help you to feel better, perhaps you could meet him to bring him his meds and his paycheck and buy him lunch.
I know this is hard, believe me, there are many of us who have been through this--more than once. No matter what you decide, we are right here with you!
I know this is hard, believe me, there are many of us who have been through this--more than once. No matter what you decide, we are right here with you!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Good morning HopefulMom,
Did he ever call the AA hotline? Has he been to a meeting? Has he asked for a temporary sponsor? They will have someone go talk to him and take him to a meeting... they will take him to meeting after meeting if he wants.
I have known AA guys to not only respond to a 12 step call but they spent 24 hours with a guy getting him sober. There are some really dedicated men and women out there who volunteer their time to make sure that they share what they have found with those that are still struggling.
Sounds like he is hoping a few recovery noises will get him back into his warm and cozy life. Don't listen to words... look for the action.
Gosh... it is so hard not to get into his recovery. My codie self wants to tell you to have him evaluated, a treatment plan drawn up, contracts signed, 90 in 90, Big Book sponsor and work started on the steps and soberlink in his pocket.
Did he have a discharge treatment plan? Was it intensive? Did he ever follow it at all?
But if we make them do it and become the sober police doesn't work either for them in the long run and they resent us. They need to figure it out and find their own way out for it to stick.
At least that is what I learned because I was a class A rescuer and fixer.
And sometimes if we are there to rescue them they don't need to call on their own HP and try to use their own logic, reasoning skills and develop good judgement.
It is that ego deflation at depth.... that bottom moment... that starts the miracle. To be humbled and admit you are beaten by the disease and develop true willingness to do whatever it takes to not only get sober but change everything that is not working.
Only you can decide what is right for you and your family... we are just here to be a sounding board. It sounds like you really have a healthy outlook and a lot of wisdom and should have faith in yourself and your HP.
In time more will be revealed and the path will become clear and that is my prayer for you... peace and confidence that God is at work in your son's life right now.
Did he ever call the AA hotline? Has he been to a meeting? Has he asked for a temporary sponsor? They will have someone go talk to him and take him to a meeting... they will take him to meeting after meeting if he wants.
I have known AA guys to not only respond to a 12 step call but they spent 24 hours with a guy getting him sober. There are some really dedicated men and women out there who volunteer their time to make sure that they share what they have found with those that are still struggling.
Sounds like he is hoping a few recovery noises will get him back into his warm and cozy life. Don't listen to words... look for the action.
Gosh... it is so hard not to get into his recovery. My codie self wants to tell you to have him evaluated, a treatment plan drawn up, contracts signed, 90 in 90, Big Book sponsor and work started on the steps and soberlink in his pocket.
Did he have a discharge treatment plan? Was it intensive? Did he ever follow it at all?
But if we make them do it and become the sober police doesn't work either for them in the long run and they resent us. They need to figure it out and find their own way out for it to stick.
At least that is what I learned because I was a class A rescuer and fixer.
And sometimes if we are there to rescue them they don't need to call on their own HP and try to use their own logic, reasoning skills and develop good judgement.
It is that ego deflation at depth.... that bottom moment... that starts the miracle. To be humbled and admit you are beaten by the disease and develop true willingness to do whatever it takes to not only get sober but change everything that is not working.
Only you can decide what is right for you and your family... we are just here to be a sounding board. It sounds like you really have a healthy outlook and a lot of wisdom and should have faith in yourself and your HP.
In time more will be revealed and the path will become clear and that is my prayer for you... peace and confidence that God is at work in your son's life right now.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Hopeworks,
Thanks again for your detailed response. We did not have an intensive home contract when we brought him home. ;-( But, we did make it clear that if he drank, he was out. As soon as he got home, he started dragging his feet about meetings and never did get another sponsor. So, I guess I can't be surprised, but thought he would make it more than a couple of weeks.
I just texted him the 24 hour AA hotline number and told him to call on his higher power. I also gave him the number of our insurance's mental health line and told them to tell him he needs help. Have not heard back.
I'm trying to stay strong.
Thanks again for your detailed response. We did not have an intensive home contract when we brought him home. ;-( But, we did make it clear that if he drank, he was out. As soon as he got home, he started dragging his feet about meetings and never did get another sponsor. So, I guess I can't be surprised, but thought he would make it more than a couple of weeks.
I just texted him the 24 hour AA hotline number and told him to call on his higher power. I also gave him the number of our insurance's mental health line and told them to tell him he needs help. Have not heard back.
I'm trying to stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Another thing I struggle with is that I don't believe in God. (I'm sorry if that offends believers.) But, I can not get any relief believing that there is someone looking out for him.
I do have some relief in that he told me that he found his higher power in the last few months of sober living.
I do have some relief in that he told me that he found his higher power in the last few months of sober living.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Giving him his medication may help him focus more clearly. I think HG's decision of meeting him this morning to give him his meds and his check (and phone charger) is a way fo giving him the basics he will need to help himself.
Do you have a Salvation Army in your community? They may be helpful in giving him a place to begin his recovery.
Do you have a Salvation Army in your community? They may be helpful in giving him a place to begin his recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I talked to DH about meeting him to give him meds and check. I know I can't see him and watch him beg me and then leave him. My DH doesn't know if he can do it either ....
Have not heard anymore from him, so, of course, my mind is starting to think the worst.
Have not heard anymore from him, so, of course, my mind is starting to think the worst.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Posts: 729
He managed to get from the hospital to home so he can get back. Some say make him doit, I think a ride to rehab is compassionate, not helping too much.
Hate that you are going through this. That's the difference between family and rehab counselors - they know what to do, we don't. They are not susceptible to guilt, we are.
No easy answers but you set the boundary and stuck to it once, maybe this time he will stay at rehab if he has no other place to turn.
Prayers
Hate that you are going through this. That's the difference between family and rehab counselors - they know what to do, we don't. They are not susceptible to guilt, we are.
No easy answers but you set the boundary and stuck to it once, maybe this time he will stay at rehab if he has no other place to turn.
Prayers
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Nope we are total losers. DH called the place, they won't take him. We're not paying another cent or making any other plans for him. Already owe a lot of $$ to the last place. DH let him back in after him standing on the front porch for 3 hours in the cold. He did not want to call the police and make a scene. I couldn't fight - we are so close to our breaking points. My daughter is very upset that he is back in the house. And, I don't blame her. I do not want him here either.
And, we got the worst news possible about him and his girlfriend. I think you can read between the lines.
I hate my life and am disgusted with my son.
He swears he's getting a sponsor tonight, AA 7 days a week, testing, etc. He's a liar- we'll see.
We're going to try and come up with a plan to get him out of here. I know ... we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing. I know. :- (
And, we got the worst news possible about him and his girlfriend. I think you can read between the lines.
I hate my life and am disgusted with my son.
He swears he's getting a sponsor tonight, AA 7 days a week, testing, etc. He's a liar- we'll see.
We're going to try and come up with a plan to get him out of here. I know ... we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing. I know. :- (
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
He just called me again (always me not his Dad). Almost crying, begging me to please help him. He doesn't know what to do. He "got my point". He knows he is an alcoholic and won't drink again.
I told him we've done all we can do. That we've supported him, paid for expensive rehabs, and he chose to drink again knowing he would be kicked out if he did.
Told him to call the AA hotline and tell them he needed help. He also has health insurance and can get help if he wants it.
If he is telling the truth, the rehab/treatment facility called an ambulance and sent him to the the ER yesterday. He was discharged at ten pm last night and called me to tell me was cold and had no where to go. He is an extremely poor communicator- so I doubt he told them he wanted treatment or that he had no where to go. He spent the night as far as I can tell in the waiting room of the emergency room.
He has no car. He had $3.00 on his debit card last time I looked. He does have a paycheck here in our mailbox. He probably has not eaten in 24 hours. He desperately wants his anti depressant meds.
Please reinforce we are doing the right thing ... I know if we brought him back then nothing would change.
I told him we've done all we can do. That we've supported him, paid for expensive rehabs, and he chose to drink again knowing he would be kicked out if he did.
Told him to call the AA hotline and tell them he needed help. He also has health insurance and can get help if he wants it.
If he is telling the truth, the rehab/treatment facility called an ambulance and sent him to the the ER yesterday. He was discharged at ten pm last night and called me to tell me was cold and had no where to go. He is an extremely poor communicator- so I doubt he told them he wanted treatment or that he had no where to go. He spent the night as far as I can tell in the waiting room of the emergency room.
He has no car. He had $3.00 on his debit card last time I looked. He does have a paycheck here in our mailbox. He probably has not eaten in 24 hours. He desperately wants his anti depressant meds.
Please reinforce we are doing the right thing ... I know if we brought him back then nothing would change.
You answered your own question. He has insurance. Bad communicator could have asked for help.
Multiple rehabs you paid for. He chose to drink.
Now he is doing what addicts do. They manipulate.
He knows what he must do ......but is it what he wants to do?
Keep your calm. He has to fall before he can want to pick himself up
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
Nope we are total losers. DH called the place, they won't take him. We're not paying another cent or making any other plans for him. Already owe a lot of $$ to the last place. DH let him back in after him standing on the front porch for 3 hours in the cold. He did not want to call the police and make a scene. I couldn't fight - we are so close to our breaking points. My daughter is very upset that he is back in the house. And, I don't blame her. I do not want him here either.
And, we got the worst news possible about him and his girlfriend. I think you can read between the lines.
I hate my life and am disgusted with my son.
He swears he's getting a sponsor tonight, AA 7 days a week, testing, etc. He's a liar- we'll see.
We're going to try and come up with a plan to get him out of here. I know ... we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing. I know. :- (
And, we got the worst news possible about him and his girlfriend. I think you can read between the lines.
I hate my life and am disgusted with my son.
He swears he's getting a sponsor tonight, AA 7 days a week, testing, etc. He's a liar- we'll see.
We're going to try and come up with a plan to get him out of here. I know ... we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing. I know. :- (
How far along us the girlfriend? Does she use too?
Hang in there
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