Need More Support .... AS out of house and calling

Old 12-23-2012, 02:58 PM
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Hydrogirl is correct.
Theres his salvation... lol he has to want it though and sorry about what is going on in your life.
Him having a baby is more reason to keep your boundaries strong. Not to enable. Let him fail.
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Old 12-23-2012, 03:21 PM
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You're not losers. You're loving parents in a terrible situation. No one can truly tell you what to do, but you can gain insight from the wisdom on these pages. Your son seems to be able to get around when he needs to. He stayed out all night the other night. Managed to get to your house from the hospital. Addicts are the world's best manipulators. They can be very resourceful when they want to be. Just remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Focus on what is best for your health and the health of your family. The answers will come.
Prayers to you this Christmas.
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Old 12-23-2012, 03:27 PM
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Originally Posted by PohsFriend View Post
Knock off the loser talk, you are doing the very best that you can. Look up the term "double bind" - its the psych term for a no win situation.

How far along us the girlfriend? Does she use too?

Hang in there
Thanks, PohsFriend. I am just so disgusted with myself for caving, but mostly with the situation. I can not believe either one of them got themselves in this situation. For God's sake he's only been home from rehab for 5 weeks! As far as I know, she does not use. He was scared to death to let her know that he was drinking again. However, she's very young and works a minimum wage job. His job ends after this week. Neither one has a place to live or a car. What the ****???? And, he is an ALCOHOLIC!!

I can barely breathe.
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Old 12-23-2012, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD View Post
Thanks, PohsFriend. I am just so disgusted with myself for caving, but mostly with the situation. I can not believe either one of them got themselves in this situation. For God's sake he's only been home from rehab for 5 weeks! As far as I know, she does not use. He was scared to death to let her know that he was drinking again. However, she's very young and works a minimum wage job. His job ends after this week. Neither one has a place to live or a car. What the ****???? And, he is an ALCOHOLIC!!

I can barely breathe.
Imagine if your son was cold sober, 42, well educated, successful and got his GF pregnant two months into her recovery.... Want to adopt me?

Baby boy is wrapped around my neck sleeping while my recovering wife gets some sleep. Parenthood has been transformational for her. I've caved some too here and there... Progress, not perfection.

Just a thought - might be a good time to embrace the GF, like it or not she is family and better if she is shoulder to shoulder with you delivering the "you must get help or get out! " message. She needs help right now too and you can do that without torturing yourself for enabling.

Hang in there. Baby may have poor timing but it's a baby, not a disaster. Laying here with him and both dogs pinning me down is my happy place. My wife drank 4 days out of the last year after 4 hospitalizations the prior year. Parenthood has a ...,sobering effect on people. Congratulations nana! May as well celebrate the little angel.
Try not to catastrophise, he relapsed. He's going back into some form of treatment ASAP...

I get the frantic urge to take action... But lately a phrase I learned here is helping me: "don't just do something, Stand There!". You won't solve it all today
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Old 12-23-2012, 03:50 PM
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You're probably right ... but, oh gosh, I'm so not there yet. I do not think this girl is good for him, but too late now.

You have a way to support your child. These two have nothing and he can not even come close to taking care of himself. I pray this makes him grow up, but, honestly, I doubt it. And, who will suffer? The innocent baby.

This is such a sore spot with me. Babies deserve to be raised by two loving mature people.
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Old 12-23-2012, 04:15 PM
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Hello Hopeful....I'm so sorry that there is so much drama going on this evening. Try to breathe, and slow down, and realize that Rome was not built in a day.

Perhaps after everyone has had a good night's rest, then you can all sit down and draw up in writing a firm set of boundaries. This can include where you will take him if he is found with alcohol again--homeless shelter, Salvation Army, hospital, wherever you mutually decide. You might decide that he does indeed have to leave tomorrow, but none of this has to be decided right now--tonight.

Perhaps another plan can be discussed tomorrow about what he intends to do to support his child. If it were me, I would make it very clear that I would not provide financial support or free daycare because he and his girlfriend are perfectly capable of doing so themselves.

I'm so sorry for your evening, and I hope that rest comes for you all tonight! Please do take care!!
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Old 12-23-2012, 04:18 PM
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Hopefulmom. I know exactly how you feel right now about this baby. Not very long ago, I found out that my 15 year old is pregnant! AUGH!!!!!!!! I was so p!ssed because I tried to get her dad to stop being a douche and he couldn't pull his head out of his ass and see this coming! I'm going to be 35 and a grandma very soon! I swore if anyone congratulated me, I'd kick them in the knee caps! That anger and sadness has left me now. I have to accept this baby just as much as my daughter does because guess what?! I, my husband, her father and both grandmothers to my daughter (great grandmothers now) are going to be supporting this baby and her. The doner has split. He says it isn't his. It's not fawking shocking. She's not the first and certainly won't be the last.

Hey, I'm sorry. But you are not a loser. Your son needs to pull his head out of his ass and be a MAN! (That's what I tell my AH... Pull your damn head out of your ass and stop being a fool! Grow the fawk up! Ghesh!)
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Old 12-23-2012, 04:21 PM
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Oh and ya know what.... This baby is gonna chin check my daughter with a whooping dose of reality and I'm gonna sit back and watch. I will be there for her but she's gonna toe the line.
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Old 12-23-2012, 04:39 PM
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Life is Wierd ... congrats on ten years clean and sober. And, lol, about your Mom still checking up on you.
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Old 12-23-2012, 04:41 PM
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BoxinRotz ...

Okay, you get my stress level! Fifteen? Oh my. My youngest is that age and still plays with toys (well you know what I mean .....) How old is the father?
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Old 12-23-2012, 04:56 PM
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He's 16. If you want something to totally blow your mind about what his mom said to me over the phone before she got pregnant, PM me.
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Old 12-23-2012, 05:58 PM
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HopefulmomtoD - I have a 21yo (trying to recover) AS. I am pretty new to this so I have a bit of a different take on this. As I type this my son is sitting on the sofa beside me watching The Grinch with the family. My son doesn't live here now but because of the holidays he feels to vulnerable to stay at his place in fear of slipping up which he did a few days ago and called me to come get him. I have always told him I will not live with an active alcoholic and I won't. But I am his mother and as long as he is truly trying and working his program and attending AA and counseling I will always be his soft place to land.

I don't know your whole story and how much you have gone through with your son so I can only tell you from my perspective with my son. I would allow him home over the holidays and give him a warm meal and a bed. This is what I did with my son a few months back. I would set up a meeting time for tomorrow and have a list of what you expect and how long he can stay. We wrote a contract with my son and it has about 10 points on it. When he chose to leave we let him know that he was making that choice that we weren't kicking him out. I must say that my son wants help and truly wants to get sober and stay sober. It is a process and even though I felt like he should just stop the disease tells him otherwise.

I know that what I am saying is pretty much against the advice from the long timers on this site but if you believe your son is trying then be his soft place to land. Set strong and firm boundaries and once you say it follow through (make sure it is in writing) but let him know that you are his mother and the love you have for him is impossible for him to understand until his little one is born.

I'll be saying a prayer for your entire family tonight.
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Old 12-23-2012, 06:15 PM
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Each person has to determine for themselves what is the best path for them in their relationship with their loved one who is using alcohol or drugs.

It is never cookie cutter, 1,2,3...

Educating yourself about addiction, codependency and working your own recovery give you a leg up on wise decision making.

There is nothing wrong with setting up rigid, strong boundaries and standards for recovery for a loved one but it does put extra stresses on the family and forcing recovery has much lower success rates than self motivated recovery efforts.

But... getting an addicts head full of recovery and AA does have an impact and it makes getting high a lot less fun... my XA told me that AA and recovery ruined his addiction
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Old 12-24-2012, 01:33 AM
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Hi HMtD, you were put in a dreadful position, but I hope you can follow through with your plan to get him out of the house, preferably in the morning. Perhaps you can find out where the homeless shelters are and give him a list.
Try to have a peaceful Christmas Day (and consider blocking his number so he has to talk to your husband).
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Old 12-24-2012, 05:45 AM
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Hopefulmom - Boy a lot can happen in 24 hours a smiley face because humor is what gets me through the toughest of times.

First of all, are you sure the gf is really pregnant? Remember that in times of crisis A's will say anything - I think I would expect that she is but I would leave room for some doubt until you can confirm.

Children raising children uggghhhh. Where is the gf living? I believe you said she is homeless, carless and possibly jobless?

I have to stick by original advice of getting him out of the house and holding to your boundary. He has even more reason now to get sober I am sure he has no idea the magnitude of what he has created no pun intended.

"It could be worse" that phrase has gotten me through the toughest of times because it is true! It could always be worse. In the past when I have really gotten down on myself when RAH was relapsing or feeling helpless I would think of people I know who would change places with me in a second to have my problems. This gives me clarity, and makes me thank God, or HP or the wind that it isn't worse than it is and it is something that I can do something about (i.e. taking care of myself and making myself happy and letting AH walk his own path without an anchor around my neck).
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Old 12-24-2012, 06:37 AM
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Just because she is pregnant does not mean this young couple need to join together for life and try to raise the baby.

Sometimes adoption is the most loving thing parents can do for a child that they simply are not ready for at this time. There are so many loving, stable couples that are praying right now for a child they can raise and are unable to conceive.

Pregnancy is not the end of the world and marriage and parenthood is not the only solution.
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Old 12-24-2012, 08:19 AM
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Hopeworks, I 1000% agree with you. It kills me that so many struggle to get pregnant and have a family and these two ..... ugh. Anyway, I've already broached the subject. My AS (says he's into recovery, again, and this time its it!) DS would agree, however, he says she's "excited". And, so is grandmother- so, you are getting a taste of what I am dealing with.

RedAtlanta, GF works minimum wage job and lives with roommates and struggling to make ends meet. No car. No education.

I'm going to try not to think about it and have a nice Christmas. Try.
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