End of nc with AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
End of nc with AH
Well, today is the day.
Ah and I are meeting for a coffee, it's been just under a month since we last saw each other.
Just trying to prepare myself and stay strong in all my progress since I asked him to leave..
I have felt more stable, confident, capable and healthy since he left. I haven't missed him, in that heart pain, vomitty way that I know is my gut telling me ive made a dreadful mistake, so I feel like I'm on the right path. I feel sad and regret that our marriage has not been ableto thrive the way I hoped, but I'm prepared that maybe this is the end of it, and that is what it is.
I've been thinking through the various scenarios he is likely to present me with so I can assess my feelings for each of those options..
1 : he says he's not drunk a drop since I asked him to go, he thinks this means he is right, he's not an alcoholic, and my pretty silly little head should stop its worrying, and we should get on with building our marriage.. All I have is his word to go on <Shakey ground there!> and he's really only achieved not drinking while living with his passive parents, feeding him, washing his clothes and generally being on a holiday..
2 : he actually hasn't drunk, and has taken the time to go back to seeing his therapist, going to Aa, maybe getting a sponsor etcetc. Unlikely.
3 : he's not changed, still been drinking, not addressed any issues or made any changes...
I dunno. 1 feels most likely, and 2 would be best.
Whatever option he's taken, I'm not ready for him to return. My trust has been shattered, and it's not even about drink/no drink anymore..
I intend to meet him, see what he has to say, and then step away again.
I've made alternative arrangements to spend christmas with some good friends and their young kids. I was meant to spend it with my new in laws.. I'll let him know I won't be there. We were all meant to be going to his uncles house. He lives with his gf, who is lovely and training to be a counsellor. I am thinking I might make contact with her, and explain my absence and the reasons for it. I've been thinking over my motives for that. I don't want to walk away from the marriage, and be vilified in my absence. I worry that without me around, nothing will change. Am I just talking myself into excuses to continue trying to control him? Or taking a reasonable step to be polite to the people who extended the invitation for Christmas, and making sure that they know I'm not taking the decision to turn it down lightly..
Yesterday, I got a christmas card from his aunt, addressed to us both. His family are very close, so I'm frustrated and disappointed to realise that they have kept the fact I kicked him out, secret. Our marriage is in big trouble, and his family are hiding the fallout and pretending nothing has happened. Then again, they are massive enablers so what should I expect!
So. I will see him soon. I feel like I'm in a bubble, that is slowly but surely navigating towards something sharp that will make it burst. But that bursting is part of the process.
And I guess see him or not see him, nothing is changing today. I won't have him moving back in. I will suggest that he gets his own place, and the best I can offer at this point is contact, friendship and openness to couples counselling to try and salvage a future together.
I can follow this up in the not too distant future with the paperwork for a separation agreement to protect myself..
Sorry for the loooong post, it's really helpful to write things down.
What do you guys think?
Wish me luck!
X
Ah and I are meeting for a coffee, it's been just under a month since we last saw each other.
Just trying to prepare myself and stay strong in all my progress since I asked him to leave..
I have felt more stable, confident, capable and healthy since he left. I haven't missed him, in that heart pain, vomitty way that I know is my gut telling me ive made a dreadful mistake, so I feel like I'm on the right path. I feel sad and regret that our marriage has not been ableto thrive the way I hoped, but I'm prepared that maybe this is the end of it, and that is what it is.
I've been thinking through the various scenarios he is likely to present me with so I can assess my feelings for each of those options..
1 : he says he's not drunk a drop since I asked him to go, he thinks this means he is right, he's not an alcoholic, and my pretty silly little head should stop its worrying, and we should get on with building our marriage.. All I have is his word to go on <Shakey ground there!> and he's really only achieved not drinking while living with his passive parents, feeding him, washing his clothes and generally being on a holiday..
2 : he actually hasn't drunk, and has taken the time to go back to seeing his therapist, going to Aa, maybe getting a sponsor etcetc. Unlikely.
3 : he's not changed, still been drinking, not addressed any issues or made any changes...
I dunno. 1 feels most likely, and 2 would be best.
Whatever option he's taken, I'm not ready for him to return. My trust has been shattered, and it's not even about drink/no drink anymore..
I intend to meet him, see what he has to say, and then step away again.
I've made alternative arrangements to spend christmas with some good friends and their young kids. I was meant to spend it with my new in laws.. I'll let him know I won't be there. We were all meant to be going to his uncles house. He lives with his gf, who is lovely and training to be a counsellor. I am thinking I might make contact with her, and explain my absence and the reasons for it. I've been thinking over my motives for that. I don't want to walk away from the marriage, and be vilified in my absence. I worry that without me around, nothing will change. Am I just talking myself into excuses to continue trying to control him? Or taking a reasonable step to be polite to the people who extended the invitation for Christmas, and making sure that they know I'm not taking the decision to turn it down lightly..
Yesterday, I got a christmas card from his aunt, addressed to us both. His family are very close, so I'm frustrated and disappointed to realise that they have kept the fact I kicked him out, secret. Our marriage is in big trouble, and his family are hiding the fallout and pretending nothing has happened. Then again, they are massive enablers so what should I expect!
So. I will see him soon. I feel like I'm in a bubble, that is slowly but surely navigating towards something sharp that will make it burst. But that bursting is part of the process.
And I guess see him or not see him, nothing is changing today. I won't have him moving back in. I will suggest that he gets his own place, and the best I can offer at this point is contact, friendship and openness to couples counselling to try and salvage a future together.
I can follow this up in the not too distant future with the paperwork for a separation agreement to protect myself..
Sorry for the loooong post, it's really helpful to write things down.
What do you guys think?
Wish me luck!
X
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I think that no matter what he says, he'll need actions to back it up. Because really, he can say anything but if he can't prove it then why believe him. I know I wouldn't. Stick to your plans and you won't go wrong! If he's getting help and telling the truth, he can prove it to you over time if he really wants to save the marriage and fight for what he loves = your marriage.
Are you guys newly weds? So sorry you are going through this.
Are you guys newly weds? So sorry you are going through this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I think if it were me, I would not feel obligated to say or do anything in response to him saying any of the above or anything else. I would want to take my time and consider my options, eventually making a decision that is best for me.
Especially if I felt like this:
Hopefully he will choose recovery for himself. Maybe things will slowly but surely come back to a place where you trust him again. Only time will tell.
I think everything you have said seems like a good plan, and I wish you every bit of luck!
Especially if I felt like this:
Originally Posted by LeSigh
I have felt more stable, confident, capable and healthy since he left. I haven't missed him, in that heart pain, vomitty way that I know is my gut telling me ive made a dreadful mistake, so I feel like I'm on the right path. I feel sad and regret that our marriage has not been ableto thrive the way I hoped, but I'm prepared that maybe this is the end of it, and that is what it is.
I think everything you have said seems like a good plan, and I wish you every bit of luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
LeSigh,
Three months into my marriage I remember people would see me for the first time congratulating me and I thought, "If you only knew what I was going through." I stayed for over six years thinking it would get better and it went progressively downhill. We've been divorced nearly three years. My only regret is disregarding my instinct and staying until I was completely spent physically and emotionally. My life is so much better now that I am not living with alcoholism.
And my XAH? He got another DUI just a few weeks ago. I wish him the best but it's not my problem anymore.
Sending hugs to you.
Three months into my marriage I remember people would see me for the first time congratulating me and I thought, "If you only knew what I was going through." I stayed for over six years thinking it would get better and it went progressively downhill. We've been divorced nearly three years. My only regret is disregarding my instinct and staying until I was completely spent physically and emotionally. My life is so much better now that I am not living with alcoholism.
And my XAH? He got another DUI just a few weeks ago. I wish him the best but it's not my problem anymore.
Sending hugs to you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I think that you are over thinking it. Even if he is sober, one month is but a drop in the bucket, and addicts are master manipulaters, they know exactly where others weak spots are and will go right for them.
Hope does spring eternal, I hope that you listen with your eyes, not your ears.
Best of Luck!
Hope does spring eternal, I hope that you listen with your eyes, not your ears.
Best of Luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Something that I learned here at SR. No expectations= no disappointments. I have to agree with Dolly, you are over thinking this.
As far as what HIS family has chosen to tell the extended family, it's simply not your business. Why concern yourself with matters that are out of YOUR control? If you have a close relationship with the uncle's GF and want to share info with her about YOU that is fine. But I have found sharing info with the in-laws ABOUT the active alkie is a complete waste of time and energy. Blood remains thicker than water. I ended up looking like an overbearing bitch. That is what happens when you are dealing with those in denial.
Keep doing good things for you. Wishing you peace.
As far as what HIS family has chosen to tell the extended family, it's simply not your business. Why concern yourself with matters that are out of YOUR control? If you have a close relationship with the uncle's GF and want to share info with her about YOU that is fine. But I have found sharing info with the in-laws ABOUT the active alkie is a complete waste of time and energy. Blood remains thicker than water. I ended up looking like an overbearing bitch. That is what happens when you are dealing with those in denial.
Keep doing good things for you. Wishing you peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Echoing the over thinking - obsessing makes me nuts.
Go in with an open mind, feel what you feel, try to avoid the emotional flood and keep your wits...
You can thank him and let him know you need time to think without any promises for today and then see what your head and your gut tell you about the meeting.
Just one thought: if he has good things to say don't dismiss them. Are actions needed? Sure, time and consistent behavior are needed but try to avoid the laundry list of past issues and just deal with today. Tomorrow we can deal with tomorrow.
I hope it goes great
Go in with an open mind, feel what you feel, try to avoid the emotional flood and keep your wits...
You can thank him and let him know you need time to think without any promises for today and then see what your head and your gut tell you about the meeting.
Just one thought: if he has good things to say don't dismiss them. Are actions needed? Sure, time and consistent behavior are needed but try to avoid the laundry list of past issues and just deal with today. Tomorrow we can deal with tomorrow.
I hope it goes great
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Well.
He was delayed at work and came straight over.
So late that the coffee shops nearby were closed, so we ended up in the flat instead. But it was okay.
It was very teary, but I held my ground. I explained how I no longer wanted to be his mother/nurse/career/police, and how it clearly wasn't working for either of us. He told me how poorly he has slept, how empty and awful it's felt, and I calmly listened, and kindly and gently explained how for me the reverse was true - since he's been gone, I've slept better and felt stronger. He says he feels angry at his stupidity and that he knows he has made mistakes.
Desperate to make amends, pleading for more meeting up. It's very upsetting to see him like that.
I let him know my boundaries, that I will not be with him while he remains in this state, that his recovery needs to be active and honest, not simply abstaining from booze, but honestly and carefully working to change his internal processes that got him in this shape in the first place. That this cannot be simply to regain the relationship that we are loosing, but truly for himself and not because I've told him to do it.
He's going to rent a place of his own. I'm going to pursue the separation agreement. We'll remain in contact, and perhaps go to couples counselling. Anything in the future that might grow depends first on his sobriety,and comes with no offer of promise or guarantee on my part. The ball is in his court. He has a therapist to resume treatment with for other contributing mental health issues.
I'm so exhausted of the drama. And yet also a bit proud of myself.
I hope he can pull himself together, face down these demons, and try to move forwards. But... I am relieved that my happiness is no longer tied to the strings of his tortured soul.
Thanks for the support today, it really helped. I tried to avoid the laundry list like PohsFriend suggested, and I think it really helped keep the tone of the discussion about solutions rather than recriminations.. thanks for that
And at least it's all on the table and I'm free(ish) of all the painful cycles.
Sniffly sighs and trying to be brave...
He was delayed at work and came straight over.
So late that the coffee shops nearby were closed, so we ended up in the flat instead. But it was okay.
It was very teary, but I held my ground. I explained how I no longer wanted to be his mother/nurse/career/police, and how it clearly wasn't working for either of us. He told me how poorly he has slept, how empty and awful it's felt, and I calmly listened, and kindly and gently explained how for me the reverse was true - since he's been gone, I've slept better and felt stronger. He says he feels angry at his stupidity and that he knows he has made mistakes.
Desperate to make amends, pleading for more meeting up. It's very upsetting to see him like that.
I let him know my boundaries, that I will not be with him while he remains in this state, that his recovery needs to be active and honest, not simply abstaining from booze, but honestly and carefully working to change his internal processes that got him in this shape in the first place. That this cannot be simply to regain the relationship that we are loosing, but truly for himself and not because I've told him to do it.
He's going to rent a place of his own. I'm going to pursue the separation agreement. We'll remain in contact, and perhaps go to couples counselling. Anything in the future that might grow depends first on his sobriety,and comes with no offer of promise or guarantee on my part. The ball is in his court. He has a therapist to resume treatment with for other contributing mental health issues.
I'm so exhausted of the drama. And yet also a bit proud of myself.
I hope he can pull himself together, face down these demons, and try to move forwards. But... I am relieved that my happiness is no longer tied to the strings of his tortured soul.
Thanks for the support today, it really helped. I tried to avoid the laundry list like PohsFriend suggested, and I think it really helped keep the tone of the discussion about solutions rather than recriminations.. thanks for that
And at least it's all on the table and I'm free(ish) of all the painful cycles.
Sniffly sighs and trying to be brave...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
The very best of luck.
When my marriage split up my husband didn't tell his parents for a long time & his mother even had to write to him (from the same town)!
I didn't feel it was my place to tell them so I waited until they knew & then I went & reassured them they wouldn't loose contact with their grandchildren.
When my marriage split up my husband didn't tell his parents for a long time & his mother even had to write to him (from the same town)!
I didn't feel it was my place to tell them so I waited until they knew & then I went & reassured them they wouldn't loose contact with their grandchildren.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Trying to be brave my ass - you did great.
Let's see what tomorrow brings, sounds like today was a good day and your boundary... Well it's kinda like mine, a boundamatum.... Sobriety isn't a nice to have, you are sober and keep us or you aren't and lose us. How easy that is we will never know, how simple it is nobody can dispute.
Fingers crossed for you, well done standing your ground.
Let's see what tomorrow brings, sounds like today was a good day and your boundary... Well it's kinda like mine, a boundamatum.... Sobriety isn't a nice to have, you are sober and keep us or you aren't and lose us. How easy that is we will never know, how simple it is nobody can dispute.
Fingers crossed for you, well done standing your ground.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
You are handling this textbook success, for YOU, if not for him. This is how it should be done. I wish every spouse of an alcoholic everywhere in the world could read your post on how you handled this, and model their own after it. You did all the right things to stop the insanity. Congrats!
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