confusedgirl1

This is the fourth attempt at typing this so here goes.....I am new to this site. I believe I am codependant. I have been married twice...once to someone who beat me and once to someone who cheated on me constantly...I left after 12 years when I found out he had a 4 year old. Now I am going into my 3rd year of a relationship with an alcoholic. I am on here tonight because I need people who can understand what I am going to and can possibly relate to this rollercoaster ride I have been on for so long. My relationship has gotten to the point of total unhappiness and confusion. But I cant leave...or wont leave...I just dont know anymore. Can someone help me out here????

BoxinRotz

Hi! I live with an alcoholic and it sucks!

:ghug3

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource for information and support. Stick around, make yourself at home. We understand.

So you think you may be codependent. Step one in recovery is becoming AWARE, so good on you for becoming aware that you might be a codie.

Step two, is acceptance. In this case, it might be learning to accept that codependent tendancies have kept you in the same cycle. Acceptance also includes taking responsibility for these actions.

Step three is action.

I learned about those steps by reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I keep reading it over and over as I continue to work on correcting my lifetime habits of codependency. I highly recommend the book.

In Al Anon meetings, I learned about being patient with myself. I didn't arrive in the negative relationship overnight, and it will take work and time to formulate a healthy plan to make positive changes.

You don't have to have all the answers by 10 p.m. tonight, right?

Stick around, you'll find your way and we are here to help!

confusedgirl1

Yes it does suck....although mine hasnt drank since last Wednesday, when I called the cops because he was out driving around....couldnt even walk but took off driving in his truck. He was so sorry (ha ha ha as usual) on Thursday. I am at the end but I love him....This is just surreal to me.

baileyboop

Welcome.

I can't answer for you, but I can tell you that I have very strong codependent tendencies, and they cause me great grief. I attend Al-anon meetings and personal therapy for support. If you suspect, you are struggling with this, do some internet research and get some books on codependecy. For support with dealing with alcoholism, Al-anon is awesome. You know yourself better than anybody.

confusedgirl1

I feel so helpless. I dont understand how I can love someone so much who continually hurts me and puts me through so much. I dont understand how I have isolated myself from my friends and family to be in such misery with this man. I dont understand why how when I get the nerve to tell him to leave, I panic and beg him not to go. I know this is unhealthy, I am a smart, successful woman. I know it isnt right. But here I am....Please dont think I am here for sympathy I really just dont know where else to turn and feel as though I am losing my mind....

confusedgirl1

Thank you. I have started to read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. I have checked into codependancy and there is a meeting in town on Wednesday night...thinking about going....not sure yet if I will. As far as Al Anon that is not an option at this point for me as he for some reason does not want me to go and is very adamant about it...to me it is just not worth the fight. Right now I am trying to brace myself for yet another Christmas Season....which is never a good thing with him...

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR. And I have to say that is one of the most honest, forthright first posts I have seen in my time here.

So - you have a great place to start your journey, since you can look back and see the pattern already.

Have you considered therapy or a support group like Al-Anon? I say Al-Anon because the meetings are just a buck (or more, if you choose) and working the steps is a great experience for anyone. However, therapy would help you identify the issues that lead you to relationships that aren't healthy.

I found out that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. It's my life-long pattern, and my latest was an alcoholic like yours. I also learned that I lean toward being emotionally unavailable in relationships too - it was easy to be with someone without having to make much of an investment in it all.

Anyway, keep reading here, read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and take it all one day at a time. It's a process.
Peace,
~T

P.S. Just finished Women Who Love Too Much, was excellent and eye-opening.

Pelican

Are you in love with Him (as he is today) or the IDEA of him as he could be?

Are you in love with the IDEA that you need to be in a relationship to be happy?

The above questions are based on magical thinking. Magical thinking is what we want to believe. We want to believe in the fairy tale of happily ever after with little white picket fences.

There is happiness ever after, but I have found it to be an inside job. Happiness starts with me. The more I self love and self care, the more I want to protect myself from unhealthy, toxic relationships.

So, can you tell me what are the things you love about your relationship partner?

lovesunandsnow

This is where I was with my ex-abf. It was panic when he would leave that I just couldnt handle it and I isolated myself as well. I understand, it's hard and it hurts but once you have enough and learn about what your dealing with then it might help the pain.

Check out as much as you can on this forum, also have you been to an alanon meeting? I can relate to your misery because of my ex-abf. All I can say is now that your asking the questions to yourself it must be time to get the answers. I hope you find them here or in alanon, or in reading! There are some amazing people here and it will fill you with knowledge, hopefully that will help.

ZiggyB

Yeah I do understand....I was with an alcoholic for 3 years. I was very much in love with the man although I knew he had some serious issues. Tried to cut it off and he kept begging to come back. We broke up in July finally after he had a huge fight. I could not take the verbal abuse and obscenities he hurled at me. I became very anxious and depressed. Finally that gave me what I needed to cut the cord. And I should mention I finally got angry at HIM in return -- and he could not take it.

I highly recommend individual counseling if you can afford it. I have been in far too many crappy relationships for too long. What is it that you see in this man? Are you really in love with him or just afraid of being alone? (Similar to what Pelican said above).

I believe when we truly know we will be fine on our own, we will stop attracting bad people into our lives. That's what I have been working on lately myself. I also recommend you do a lot of reading on Codependency, especially the books by Melody Beattie.

(((hugs)))

BoxinRotz

He wants you to suffer right along with him. And YOU will! Lets say, you were ill and/or fell and seriously injured yourself and you knew you needed medical treatment... Would you go? Would he let you go? Would you lay there and suffer? Would he make you lay there and suffer? Would you succomb to this illness or injury without medical treatment? Why would you let him tell you you can't get well? You can get well and you should!

You do not have to tell him where you go for an hour or so a week. Of course he doesn't want you to go because essentially, you are seeing there is a problem and he's afraid you are going to grow some balls and tell him where the bear sh!ts in the woods and he knows it.

Knowledge is power. You control you.

jessiec

Bless you! I hear your pain and wish I could give you a hug.

Every person here knows how difficult and draining relationships with alcoholics can be - its the common thread that links us all together here.

Please keep posting and sharing and know you are among friends who have been there.

dollydo

Welcome, I would also suggest that you read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Frins Forums and cynical one's blogs. A wealth of information at your fingertips.

Meetings would also help, there is a reason that you keep choosing unavailable toxic men, it doesn't just happen. Perhaps, if you dig deeper you might find the answer so that you do not continue to repeat your choices.

As for him, he has a disease that has no cure, it is only a matter of whether he is clean and sober, working a strong recovery program for life or not. This disease, left untreated will progress, it is one nasty disease that has tenacles that affect everyone it comes in contact with...and...not in a positive way.

Work on you, get healthy, for you...that is really all you can do...save yourself.

PohsFriend

Sorry you are going through this. Pelican has offered some incredibly good starting points.

Anyone who would be adamant about you not going to al anon is very sick. It isn't for them

I was confused at my first meeting, why were the steps identical to AA? Simple, only step one has to do with alcohol 2-12 apply to every person - it is a recipe for serenity and sanity. It works for addiction by keeping the persons head in a good place.

It is one thing to accept that another person refuses to get help, another when they prevent you from getting well. I would suggest going unless the conflict that would ensue might be violent. In that case, you know you need to get out of there.

Simple and easy are not the same, I realize that a simple and obvious solution is not that simple.

Hang in there, you are responsible for you, not him

dollydo

" As far as Al Anon that is not an option at this point for me as he for some reason does not want me to go and is very adamant about it...to me it is just not worth the fight."

IMO this a big red flag, if you don't fight for your well-being...who will?

Florence

I resisted the codependency label for a long time. I'm gladdened that you see what I didn't!

Through SR and counseling, I found that I grew up with a lot of maladaptive behaviors and have been attracted to other maladapted people because 1) that's what I know, and 2) deep down I don't think I have anything to offer healthy people.

Thanks to a lot of time, honestly and self-work, I'm unlearning #1 and undoing #2. I'm happier than I've ever been, even despite being alone and struggling financially.

Thanks for posting here. Welcome, and please keep participating. Whenever I'm struggling, the people here screw my head back on straight.

BlueSkies1

How do you feel when he says he doesn't want you to go to alanon? How do you feel letting him have that kind of control over your life? Is there a part of you that says to yourself that it is your right to go if you so choose?

ODAT63

I loved drama, after all I grew up in the middle of it, I am in a healthy relationship now and sometimes I missed the drama but I know I don't ever want to live the way I lived with my now XAH, for 17 years I endure verbal and emotional abuse because I thought that's what love was....how sick is that? Now I know I learned that from my sick parents, I love my mom and dad but I have unlearned that behaviour. I am learning to be loving and kind to myself, to my children and to my fiancee, it feels really weird that at my age (49) i never knew what real love suppose to be like. I am grateful I am learning it now and it is okay