PohsFriend

Most of you regulars are familiar with the challenges that I am working through with AW.

Friday night is our MC night - party animals. Over the past few months all that has seperated our sessions from fight night in Vegas is that cheesy dude saying "let's get ready to rummmmmmbllllllllllle!"

Tug of war and a forty minute volley of butchoos (ok i did that butchoo did dat). Kinda like a dog chasing its tail but less cute.

So last night was different, I've spent a lot of time here this week and much more thinking and accepting and understanding. I was ready for a different approach.

On the way there, wife was silent until she noticed I had soft music on instead of my omnipresent news channel and commented. I just said that there won't be any fighting tonight, we're going to move past that and things will be relaxed - figured I'd set the mood. That got a raised eyebrow.

So we started out by saying that the tug of war is too tiring. I love my wife and she has an illness and it breaks my heart that she has to carry the burden for what she's done. I said that I put myself in her shoes and imagined if I had all of this fear plus the knowledge that I had failed everyone and disappointed them and doing that brought out the real me - it made me protective of her and furious at the disease and make no mistake - protecting her means she can't drink - ever - but I don't blame her for anything and I forgive her and ask that she forgives my failures.

She opened up then and we learned more. I have been hesitant to police her - i hate being policed and resent it. She interrupted then to say that she is not like that - she admitted to me that she can't promise she won't drink but she knows that if she did then she would hide it and lie. She said knowing she has to be tested then it would stop her. She's working on coping skills but this would be insurance. She said I would not be insulting her, I'd be protecting her and the baby and myself and it has been killing her to see my usual happy face looking so sad and tired and tense. This is huge to me - if she said she was able to handle it I would be worried, when she comes clean and tells me not to trust her but to monitor and verify everything she is telling me to close those windows and weld them shut.

My attitude change is thanks in large part to you guys. Some people are encouraging, some are so closed to the possibility that an alcoholic can become worthwhile that they force me to take her side emotionally and that balance of caution and compassion leads me to a healthier mindset and a more realistic one.

The guess what Spouse said when I suggested rehab thread is an example - wow! When I see behaviors in her described by ten others the bell goes off and I can say 'ok, that's the disease talking'. Then I work on "Ok, what drives that?"
Simple: even in recovery that addictive voice likes to know there is an escape hatch where they COULD reach alcohol and it takes over when you slam the hatch and try to weld it shut.

So with testing at set intervals and at random times she said she would have help telling that voice no and would be more likely to call her sponsor. If, god forbid, she succumbs then I can't miss it for says or weeks and it takes the pressure off me. She will get busted and checked onto rehab away from us and she just can't face that thought.

It was a good night, we settled a lot of things and found ourselves communicating like we used to. When we fell in love it was the deep emotional connection and ease of opening up to each other over a couple years that did it. Last night reminded us of that.

Another admission or observation: bi have been really pissed off that I've set some boundaries - new thing for me - and every one has been broken exactly once. Instead of getting angry I laughed about it because I don't like being ordered either - every time I drew a line it was like she stuck a toe over and stuck her tongue out. Well... Who am I bullshitting? Order me to do something and I will defy you. Come to me and say you need my help and I will be eager to please ...her too.

Best of all, after an evening of many breakthroughs that ended with baby on my cheat and wife curled on my shoulder I am relieved and happy but I fully expect more challenges. It isn't that I think we have this war won, but we won a battle and added to our defenses and strengthened our ability to act as partners. Every time we do that, our ability to clear the next hurdle is stronger. We went into this with me knowing that 90% of the people in our situation fail, divorce and are unable to work thru the muck. Most people hear 90% failure rate and despair but I'm wired to assume I will be in the 10% because ive never been successful due to natural gifts but rarely fail at things because I am willing to outwork 99% of people and if I have a gift it is the ability to see my flaws and attack them with a vengeance.

So I'm more confident and more vigilant today and that combination means more hope.

In al anon they talk about how our ability to change can impact the alcoholic. As with many of the cliches in our world it seemed dumb at first and makes sense now.

What changed? I learned to put myself in her shoes and find my empathy and recognize that it is the illness I am mad at. My wife saw me move from anger and resentment and a despair to calm acceptance and understanding and love and responded by dropping the defensiveness and reaching out to me for help.

My own alcoholism cliche helps me every day: alcoholics do not drink to drown out all of the joy and serenity in their hearts.

Thank you for being such good friends, every poster helps me whether it is because they help me see what I am missing or whether they are just completely off base or whether they are new here and I see myself one year ago and realize how much I have learned and how much closer we are to getting the life we want together. Most of all, whether you are someone who has read and thought "these guys may make it" or "that poor ******* is going to destroy himself and it hurts to watch" I have taken comfort knowing that you are on my side and hoping I find peace

Humbling... Thank you.

HopefulmomtoD

I'm pulling for you guys! I have to believe that alcoholics can stop drinking because I have to have hope for my dear 22 RAS.

It seems like a great sign that she is asking you to test her and knows that she would just hide it. I expect the same from my son. We've decided not to test because I believe I'll know eventually as his behavior and attitudes will change. In your case, with a breast feeding infant, you must be more vigilant. I'm so happy she sees it also.

One day at a time.

Katiekate

I'm so glad to read that there is communication.

I hope to continue to read that you both are moving forward.

I too am pulling for you, you are amazing.

Katie xo

Titanic

Have you considered Behavioral Couples Therapy, which is tailored addiction care?

redatlanta

Thumbs up so good to hear!

PohsFriend

Actually yes, but for now we have a good counselor who knows addiction issues well. Her husband (my IC) has expertise.

Right now I'm trying not to introduce too many new variables. We have a five week old and I am about to get surgery and am slammed at work and oh yeah - there's that other little matter.

More than anything right now I think we need rest and time alone together

Titanic

All the best to all of you, including your DD.

BoxinRotz

I want to be one of those 10%!!!

Time will tell and I wish you guys well!

PohsFriend

I hope you do too :-)

Sitting here at DAWs meeting tag teaming keeping the munchkin quiet and thinking that there is no way in hell we'd be doing as well as we are without SR and AA. Way too hard without the wisdom and occasional loving kick in the ass my dear friends give so freely.

lillamy

That is wonderful!
And I just wanted to respond to this:
My experience of alcoholics is vast and wide. More so than I cared to admit. I spent 20 years in a profession that was almost a diagnosis. People dropped dead on the job from the unhealthy habits a majority of us engaged in. I know alcoholics who are sober and loving and productive, and I've been at the funerals of alcoholics who never found sobriety. To me, every human being has value. When I tell people about my marriage to an alcoholic -- that's all I talk about, my marriage to one alcoholic. When I say "you always have the right to remove yourself from the influence of addiction," I mean every syllable of that.

I don't ever want it to be interpreted as "alcoholics are scum" -- because there, but for the grace of God, go I.

Because I believe in the absolute value of every human being, I would, however, be very quick to advise the spouse of an alcoholic to protect him/herself and the children first.

I can tell you that if my AXH had reacted like your wife, chances are we would still be married. For whatever reason (don't underestimate the baby!), she sounds focused and serious. And that's an awesome thing. I have a very good friend who says her firstborn saved her life; she was addicted to heroin when she got pregnant and the day she saw the line on the pregnancy test, she walked into a clinic and said "I have to get clean. I'm going to have a child to care for."

So it can be done. And I'm rooting for you guys.

BoxinRotz

That made me laugh and think... At your service... Anytime... Come back REEAALL SOOOOOON!