I called him for help and would NOT come home!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I called him for help and would NOT come home!
I have been doing so good about not calling him and not caring if he comes home or not from the bar and then something happened tonight that really freaked me out. It was a little after 10 p.m. and I heard somebody pull in the driveway. I knew it wasn't my bf because he would never come home from the bar that early, so I looked out the window and there was a pickup truck that my bf owned a long time ago. Then there was a knock at the door and I did not answer it because I am here by myself, in the country, with 2 little sleeping kids and I did not know this person. So I called my bf at the bar and asked him who this person was and what he wanted. He told me his name, which I did not recognize, and said that he was here for the topper for the truck and he was a little strange but he was harmless. I told him I was really freaked out and I was not going to answer the door and why was here for the topper when the topper wasn't even here. And this guy would not leave! When he finally did leave, he drove by the house really slowly and stopped in front of it to see if there was any movement I guess. I told my bf that he would not leave and he was stopped in front of the house now. He said he didn't know what to tell me. He said I should just give the guy the phone or tell him that my bf was at the bar. I told him I was NOT opening the door or going anywhere near this strange person. And I told him again that he was not moving his truck and I was really scared. My A did not care. He did not offer to come home. He has not even called to see if I am ok since I got off the phone with him. I don't know why I am letting this bother me so much, but it really does bother me that he is not even concerned with my safety. It lets me pull further away though. At least I'm not crying about it. Just had to vent. 
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Texas
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
((((HUGS))))
This would upset me as well. It feels like he is screaming, "I don't care about you!"
He is so into himself that he can't see past himself. What a pathetic life for him.
I am glad you are safe!
Amy
This would upset me as well. It feels like he is screaming, "I don't care about you!"
He is so into himself that he can't see past himself. What a pathetic life for him.
I am glad you are safe!
Amy
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
Thank you for understanding Amy. I made a huge mistake though. I asked him about it when he got home and he told me I was overreacting (naturally) and asked me what I did when I lived alone...call the police on anybody who came to the door. So instead of just shutting my huge mouth and going to bed I got more upset and told him to just go back to the bar since that's where he wanted to be anyway. So he did. That part doesn't bother me that he left because I really couldn't stand being around him tonight. I just wish I knew when to shut up.
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
(((Helping Myself)))
I don't really understand what the big mistake was- that you were afraid of a weird looking stranger who showed up and wouldn't leave? You have every right to feel afraid, no matter what kind of person the guy may be. Don't blame yourself- I think that I would've been feeling the same way.
It hurts when we ask them for help and they're no where to be seen! I can think of so many situations like this where I asked him for help, and yet he refused to come back home. Darn disease!!!!!
Don't consider yourself a failure b/c you reacted. You're doing great- we don't get it all at once! Easy does it!
I don't really understand what the big mistake was- that you were afraid of a weird looking stranger who showed up and wouldn't leave? You have every right to feel afraid, no matter what kind of person the guy may be. Don't blame yourself- I think that I would've been feeling the same way.
It hurts when we ask them for help and they're no where to be seen! I can think of so many situations like this where I asked him for help, and yet he refused to come back home. Darn disease!!!!!
Don't consider yourself a failure b/c you reacted. You're doing great- we don't get it all at once! Easy does it!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
Don't feel bad - this happens to all of us. I can't tell you how many times I have been sick, or upset, or just needed to talk to him, and have begged him to come home right away, or after work, or when he says he's going to and he shows up hours later, drunk. I guess the whole thing is that they aren't there when you need them, though I am sure if he needed you, you would have been there in a heartbeat.
I don't have any good advice, I am the last person to be giving any, but just know that you are not alone, and you are perfectly entitled to have your feelings, and they are not wrong. He is.
I don't have any good advice, I am the last person to be giving any, but just know that you are not alone, and you are perfectly entitled to have your feelings, and they are not wrong. He is.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
I remember the first time I actually did keep my mouth shut. I we went back and forth about something a couple of times. I could see where it was going. It took every ounce of will and I actually had to bite my tongue...literally. Sometimes I can do it now, and sometimes I can't. As far as the guy at the door, the police sounds like a plan to me. Obviously you can't count on your bf in this kind of situation, and you have your kids to think about. Do what you need to. Hugs, Magic
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
Helping Myself,
I am sorry you went through that last night. I know how that feels - but he is not thinking rationally. You were not overreacting, he can't see that and you can't convince him. Like everyone else I too have many, many horrible stories of when my A let me down - in a hospital emergency room after a bad car accident (he wouldn't leave the bar), during 9/11 when I was scared out of my wits with a little baby (he went straight to the bar) and having an asthma attack while pregnant (he wouldn't leave the bar and told me to call an ambulance). Basically, you are going to drive yourself crazy relying on him because he cannot be there for you. What I did was develop an alternate support system to make sure me and my kids are safe (friends, family, even the police if necessary). And I don't have any friends or family nearby, so for me that meant the police unfortunately. Doesn't mean that you are letting him off the hook, just means that you are taking care of you and yours. And don't spend a minute thinking you are overreacting or trying to convince him otherwise. Just take some comfort in the fact that we all understand and we know you're not crazy.
He might have just gone back to the bar anyway no matter what you said. In my world, the wrong look would have sent him back out. If they've got to go drink more, that's what they're going to do and it's on them.
Hope things are better today for you.
I am sorry you went through that last night. I know how that feels - but he is not thinking rationally. You were not overreacting, he can't see that and you can't convince him. Like everyone else I too have many, many horrible stories of when my A let me down - in a hospital emergency room after a bad car accident (he wouldn't leave the bar), during 9/11 when I was scared out of my wits with a little baby (he went straight to the bar) and having an asthma attack while pregnant (he wouldn't leave the bar and told me to call an ambulance). Basically, you are going to drive yourself crazy relying on him because he cannot be there for you. What I did was develop an alternate support system to make sure me and my kids are safe (friends, family, even the police if necessary). And I don't have any friends or family nearby, so for me that meant the police unfortunately. Doesn't mean that you are letting him off the hook, just means that you are taking care of you and yours. And don't spend a minute thinking you are overreacting or trying to convince him otherwise. Just take some comfort in the fact that we all understand and we know you're not crazy.
He might have just gone back to the bar anyway no matter what you said. In my world, the wrong look would have sent him back out. If they've got to go drink more, that's what they're going to do and it's on them.
Hope things are better today for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
I suppose this is another way of our Higher Power tapping us lovingly on the shoulder and whispering gently, “The ‘lesson’ of not being able to count on an alcoholic for anything, is developing the resources in yourself to handle what arises without the expectation of his help�. Knowing what we do both about the dis-ease and the manner that it plays out in our S.O. needs to lead us in the direction of behavioral changes of our own.
Do you attend meetings? Do ya have a sponsor? Are ya working’ those steps? That really is what it’s all about for those of us who’s life is affected by an alcoholic.
Jeff
Do you attend meetings? Do ya have a sponsor? Are ya working’ those steps? That really is what it’s all about for those of us who’s life is affected by an alcoholic.
Jeff
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
Thank you all for your support. No, Jeff, I have not been able to attend any meetings. I am working on getting there though. The first meeting I was supposed to go to was on Monday and my mom was supposed to watch my kids, but she was drunk. I have been attending online meetings every night though and I am making progress. When he went back to the bar last night I went to bed. I did not cry. I did not obsess over him. I did not call him. The only thing I did was ask my HP for the strength to get through it without any more arguments for the night. And there were no more because I went to bed. I heard him come in after the bar closed and I did not even get out of bed. That is HUGE progress for me. Before I found these boards and started studying Al-Anon and codependency I would have been calling him every half hour at the bar last night. Then there would have been another fight when he got home. :wife But none of that happened so, with the help of my HP and all of you, I am finding my way. I will always make mistakes, but I have learned to forgive myself and ask my HP for forgiveness and move past it. I think I am doing quite well. At least I don't feel like I'm sinking anymore. :sink I've caught the boat called Al-Anon! :boat
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
Aaaaah, yes. I read that post about your Mom- babysitter.I am glad to hear that some of the "tools" that you're able to press into service are providing you with some relief That's what they're there for, and for many of us those "passive" behavioral changes represent our first positive efforts.
Actually, I don't believe there are any "mistakes",-----------only lessons, and whether we learn them or not. if we haven't you can be assured we'll present ourselves with another "opportunity". Keep tryin to get to the meetings though. they make a world of difference in your recovery, and makes them a little "nervous" too!!
Jeff
Actually, I don't believe there are any "mistakes",-----------only lessons, and whether we learn them or not. if we haven't you can be assured we'll present ourselves with another "opportunity". Keep tryin to get to the meetings though. they make a world of difference in your recovery, and makes them a little "nervous" too!!
Jeff
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
howdy,
i think you had every right to 'overreact' given the situation, you were alone, with children, in an isolated area, and had no idea who this dude was and he wouldnt go away.
he might not hurt to let him know that you 'overeact' because you dont trust him and who he has around because of his drinking. you cant trust or understand his judgements when he is drunk. of course that will annoy him, so even if you dont say it to him, that seems to be the crux of the problem.
in terms of shutting your mouth, that is not fair either, you have a right to express yourself and your fears or opinions. my partner doesnt drink ( i am the drinker) but he does things that he knows annoys or hurts me, sometimes unconsciously or on purpose, or just from ignorance. so i have said i will now only tell him once, maybe twice if it something i really need him to do, otherwise i just do whatever is needed myself. often easier, quicker and less stressful that way. why waste energy trying to get him to do something when you can just do it yourself for yourself.
ironically he did do what you told him, 'went to the bar' so he cant be all bad! - attempt at ironic humour, pity he couldnt translate that to 'stay home and support me etc"
and i agree the police could have been a good idea.
take care
kath
i think you had every right to 'overreact' given the situation, you were alone, with children, in an isolated area, and had no idea who this dude was and he wouldnt go away.
he might not hurt to let him know that you 'overeact' because you dont trust him and who he has around because of his drinking. you cant trust or understand his judgements when he is drunk. of course that will annoy him, so even if you dont say it to him, that seems to be the crux of the problem.
in terms of shutting your mouth, that is not fair either, you have a right to express yourself and your fears or opinions. my partner doesnt drink ( i am the drinker) but he does things that he knows annoys or hurts me, sometimes unconsciously or on purpose, or just from ignorance. so i have said i will now only tell him once, maybe twice if it something i really need him to do, otherwise i just do whatever is needed myself. often easier, quicker and less stressful that way. why waste energy trying to get him to do something when you can just do it yourself for yourself.
ironically he did do what you told him, 'went to the bar' so he cant be all bad! - attempt at ironic humour, pity he couldnt translate that to 'stay home and support me etc"
and i agree the police could have been a good idea.
take care
kath
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
Jeff, I like your theory on mistakes. You are right that they are better thought of as lessons. And I still plan on going to the meetings. I will figure out a way.
Spirit, you are right he did listen about something. It is kind of funny when you think about it. He won't listen to anything else, but when he hears the word 'bar' he's gone. I have figured out that it's much easier to do things myself. Even when he's laid off in the winter I usually don't say anything about shoveling the sidewalk or doing anything else around the house. I just do it myself.
I obviously should not have called him last night, but I thought maybe there was a logical explanation about why some strange man was at our door. But I learned my lesson...I won't call him again. I agree that the police are a good option. At least they will come and make sure everything is ok.
My biggest obstacle right now is remembering that his alcoholism is a disease. I have a really hard time sometimes separating the disease from the person. I'll have to work harder on that.
Spirit, you are right he did listen about something. It is kind of funny when you think about it. He won't listen to anything else, but when he hears the word 'bar' he's gone. I have figured out that it's much easier to do things myself. Even when he's laid off in the winter I usually don't say anything about shoveling the sidewalk or doing anything else around the house. I just do it myself.
I obviously should not have called him last night, but I thought maybe there was a logical explanation about why some strange man was at our door. But I learned my lesson...I won't call him again. I agree that the police are a good option. At least they will come and make sure everything is ok.
My biggest obstacle right now is remembering that his alcoholism is a disease. I have a really hard time sometimes separating the disease from the person. I'll have to work harder on that.
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
My AH missed soccer games, swim team practices, pretty much everything in our lives for the last 7 months. I just figured he didn't want to be in our lives anymore. I suspected he was having an affair (which I would have NEVER imagined, in a million years, before the drinking and drugging got out of control) and when I found out he was I called him at work. We have been together for 18 years, since we were kids, and I asked him to come home so we could talk about it and he said no. So I packed up the kids and the dogs and left. He never expected that one...
He went out on a binge and then finally decided that he had a problem. Only then did he go to detox. When he got out of detox he decided that he needed to go to an inpatient program and he stayed there for 6 weeks. He has been home for 2 weeks and it has been absolutely great. He came clean about a lot of things while he was there (it is a wonderful program, they focus on mind, body and spirit) particulary about a lot of drugs that I didn't even know he was doing...
I still hurt, I am still scared, I am still confused about the affair (although our counselor says that these things are more about escape then about sex, it didn't hurt that she was an alcoholic that loved to drink with him, while I was busy telling him to stop) but his actions now speak so much louder than his words did then...
I am just taking it day by day, and I still love him. I plan on supporting him all I can, and the change in him has just been wonderful. I just need to continue working my program...
I am praying for you...
He went out on a binge and then finally decided that he had a problem. Only then did he go to detox. When he got out of detox he decided that he needed to go to an inpatient program and he stayed there for 6 weeks. He has been home for 2 weeks and it has been absolutely great. He came clean about a lot of things while he was there (it is a wonderful program, they focus on mind, body and spirit) particulary about a lot of drugs that I didn't even know he was doing...
I still hurt, I am still scared, I am still confused about the affair (although our counselor says that these things are more about escape then about sex, it didn't hurt that she was an alcoholic that loved to drink with him, while I was busy telling him to stop) but his actions now speak so much louder than his words did then...
I am just taking it day by day, and I still love him. I plan on supporting him all I can, and the change in him has just been wonderful. I just need to continue working my program...
I am praying for you...
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Re: I called him for help and would NOT come home!
Thank you CM. I am so happy for you! That is wonderful that your AH is doing so well. And wonderful that you are doing so well too. I can only pray that someday my A bf will come to the conclusion that your AH came to and get help. Until he decides, if he ever decides, to do that I will just have to take care of myself and my kids and let him lead his destructive life. But I will continue to pray for that day to come.
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