Patsy22

I have been left by a man with liver failure who is in hospital hundreds of miles away and says he needs to reevaluate our relationship. At the moment he is acting as if I don't exist. I have given the last 8 years of my life to this man and am feeling incredibly powerless and alone while he is surrounded by help and love.

Pelican

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. Can you do something nice for yourself today? While he is in the hospital getting medical attention, this can be an opportunity to focus on your own personal needs. You are worth the time and energy!

You are not alone. We are open 24/7 and we understand being in love with an alcoholic.

Since you were together 8 years, have you considered attending Al Anon meetings for face-to-face support in your community? I learn so much by attending meetings and really appreciate being in a room with others who understand what it feels like.

Patsy22

Thank you Pelican. I am looking up the no of Al Anon right now. Have been starting to reclaim my life but its very up and down.

Pelican

One Al Anon slogan that helps me keep my recovery in perspective is:

Progress, not perfection

Another resource in my recovery has been self-improvement books. My favorite that I read over and over is: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. In her book she describes recovery progress like a swirling cyclone. I can feel myself doing that very thing ~ swirling back as I gain momentum to surge forward again.

Her book also helped me with grieving loss. She wrote a chapter on the stages of grief. I experience grief at the loss of relationships, as well as times of loss due to death.

Keep reaching out!

Patsy22

By coincidence I have just been given an Amazon giftcard. I will use some of it to try this book. Thank you.

Tuffgirl

Wow. That must really hurt. Having gone through this recently with a friend - liver failure does drastically effect one's thinking and brain function (on top of the damage done by the addiction itself) so know that what you are be dealing with is no reflection on you as a person. Although I know right now that's no consolation.

Also pick up Melody Beattie's Grief Club book, it was very helpful for me while going through a divorce from an alcoholic and then losing a dear friend to liver failure, all in the same 2 months.

Prayers - this is a rough time, and the holidays to boot, try to be as patient as you can with yourself. If you are anything like me, you'll find yourself all over the place...up and down, scatter-brained, a little nutty. It's acute stress - remember that. And be gentle to yourself.

Take good care,
~T

FireSprite

How serendipitous, that's amazing! I'm sorry you are going through this, :ghug3

Patsy22

Thank you for your wishes. It's so nice to find out how many people can be so caring and supportive. I am just so worried that he is probably going to die and I won't be there. I don't think I will ever get over that.

Freedom1990

Patsy, you have a lot of love and support going out for you here at SR. Be gentle with yourself, hon!

Iya

I'm sorry you feel this way. This scares me because I might be in he same situation in the years to come. You replied to my last post, thank you.

I have also considered al anon and I am probably going to a Saturday meeting. Any kind of good companionship can help. Also, what do you like to do? I love cooking so I cook up a bunch when I feel like my insides are just going berserk.

Do know that giving 8 years of your life and having him takethat away from you..... Sometimes the world is unfair but what's most important is how you feel about yourself with the decisions you make. Do you think staying with him all that time was the right thing to do? Even with all the obstacles.

Stay strong

Patsy22

Thank you Iya, was a bit worried I had taken over your thread.
I love cooking too, tuscan beef casserole and rosemary potatoes tonight - but I just push it around the plate.
Sad or not so sad thing is that if I knew how things would end and what would have happened inbetween I would do it all again.
I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that you make better choices than I did but I know it is not easy and friends don't always understand.

Tuffgirl

Patsy, can you do something to ease the emotions of not being there - like maybe sending flowers with a card just expressing your feelings?

I was lucky, I got to spend a little over 2 weeks with my friend before she died. I didn't leave anything unsaid. I am grateful for that opportunity to tell her I loved her, one last time.

Patsy22

That's all I want to do. Thank you, Yoda

Pelican

The author of Codependent No More also wrote a daily devotional. The daily devotional is called "Language of Letting Go". I find I need daily reminders to keep myself in check and this book stays within arms reach.

We have a group of members on SR that post each day's reading from that book. You can read each day's reading by going to the last page of the thread. You can also share your thoughts, victories or challenges based on each day's readings.

Here is a link to the SR daily reading of "Language of Letting Go"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-25-a.html

(reminder, go to the last page of the link to find the most current reading)

cr995

Hi Patsy22 - I am so sorry you are going thru this. I have a pretty good idea how you feel. It is a massive kick in the teeth when somebody you have given up so much for 'throws you away'. What I am doing now is reading thru all the lieteratture. I hate having to look at myself but I am doing it because - well my way didn't work, I have a long way to go but I feel less like a victim. I really want to learn how to change my actions so I recover - * hugs*

Patsy22

His sister told me yesterday that he is being fed by a tube and getting oxygen through the nose. That is a massive decline from when I saw him a month ago. I feel like I want to go to say goodbye but they probably wouldn't let me see him and the nurse wouldn't even tell me how he was but sounded very negative. His sister is deluding herself, saying he is progressing well and she wants to collect his car at the weekend to take it to her house which is much closer so 'it will be there for him to use when he is better'! Am planning to be out as I have packed some clothes of his into it today and it upset me so much that he will probably never need them. I couldn't bear to see it being driven away. He loved that car. Have been crying so much I can hardly see. Am worried that I will start drinking too much to cope with this even though logically I know this is no way to deal with it. Have sent him a fluffy toy reindeer with a note to say that I love him. Wanted to send a letter but someone would have to read it to him and the nurse would probably give it to his mother.

Tuffgirl

I am very sorry, Patsy. The only thing I can think of is he may have "ran you off" in an attempt to spare you from this.

Be very gentle with yourself.
Peace,
~T

Patsy22

That is what I am trying to think but I really don't believe it. He would never try to spare anything for me in the past.

cr995

Sounds like horrid behaviour to me. Actually on the part of him AND his family. It's disrespectful and cruel - and they can only do it because you care.

Patsy22

Can partly forgive him as I know the condition affects his brain but I still veer between feeling angry with him and feeling sad. I cannot say here what I think of his family, his mother treats me like a colleague of his and actually thanked me for doing his washing while he was in hospital near me. He lived with me for 8 years and while he was in hospital here for 2.5 months I visited every day and she came once. I am recovering from cancer so she went behind my back and 'suggested' he go to hers to convalesce. That was it. He went on a long distance bus journey and got much worse probably due to the tiredness. I know its not Christian to say I hate her and I know its only me that it hurts but I do.