No one told part of this disease is contagious

Old 11-17-2012, 12:36 PM
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No one told part of this disease is contagious

I'm all over the place now that I've accepted that this disease will be the end of the family intact. I want to tell him with sincerity, that we should work together to make this a good peaceful holiday for our 12 year. He's going to have a much harder life now.

Quiet coexisting isn't working. He came home and passed out and slept for 14 hours. Now he's working his butt off in the basement because he's going to use it as an excuse to go to our lake house (and be free to drink and not have to answer to anyone).

We are planning to go up there this week. While he slept for hours last night, I was up all night. As a codependent I usually whip myself back into shape the next day but now I've been avoiding him and even my son.
I'm sinking down deep because I'm already grieving our family and all the special good times.

I don't want my son to see me cry. He only has a very slight inkling that his dad has a disease he won't recover from.
I'm done reading codependent no more and I pulled out ah's aa book and read the sections he highlighted back in the 90's and just lost it.
He's lost his way and I'm trying to make a new path and I'm angry and scared at the same time. I need to let go of resentment but its hard.

He's a closet drinker and we haven't talked about his drinking in two years. I want to live separately but I don't want to break my sons heart.

I do want to do this separation "gently" if I can so that it doesn't put my son into a tailspin. Would you start telling ah to plan accordingly or would you just wait until all your ducks are in a row (where we figure out finances etc)
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MycoolFitz (11-17-2012)
Old 11-17-2012, 12:54 PM
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Personally, I would wait until my ducks were in a row. That isn't always possible....and sometimes it's better to get out of a bad situation rather than take the time to get everything in order.

It's painful to grieve all of the good times and it has been mentioned before here that getting divorced in some ways is much like grieving the death of a loved one.

Sending you strength and hugs.
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BtheChange (11-18-2012)
Old 11-17-2012, 01:06 PM
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What really would help more than either option is for you to go to Al-Anon meetings first. Pick up the book How Al-Anon Works. Check out page 16 "Searching for Answers" and Chapter 32 "Making Big Decisions."

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Old 11-17-2012, 10:29 PM
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A close friend of mine has co-owned a house with her alcoholic sister for 5 years, and my friend decided recently that she is ready to move on.

She has continued living with her alcoholic sister while negotiating the financial issues around the house, and it has been volatile. She hoped to have rational conversations and fair agreements with her sister, but sometimes out of the blue her sister has blindsided her with devastating criticisms--"going for the jugular" is how it is described in some texts--and my friend has been very shaken by this verbal abuse (which is framed by the alcoholic to sound totally rational).

I think it is perhaps a great risk to announce to an alcoholic that great changes are underway, if the alcoholic wants the status quo to continue for whatever reasons--emotional or financial. Because alcoholism is a disease of resentment. And resentments nursed by the alcoholic have a very ugly way of suddenly being let out in the light of day, often when one least expects it.

If I were in your shoes, I would have my ducks very much in a row, and a very tight calendar in my head about when the changes will occur, and plenty of physical support and presence from friends or family. This does not have to be a war. But alcoholics cannot be trusted to be in any way predictable.

I also recommend you find some counseling for your son. I feel that every child of an alcoholic needs some counseling, and most especially during the break-up of his parents' marriage.

Wishing you all the best in your efforts to make a safe life.
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Old 11-18-2012, 05:33 AM
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It's just not possible to ride the crazytrain for years, and NOT be affected.

When English Garden stated 'Alcoholism, a disease of resentment" she got my attention. (I believe she is referring to the addict) but I could not help recall all the negative emotions I was living and feeling because everyday I woke up and CHOSE to relive the previous out of control day. I was turning into an angry, bitter, lonely woman. In the back of my head, I knew what I had to do, I knew I had to save myself. It's never easy, but there comes a point, where survival mode kicks in and you just do what you have to do, one baby step at a time........

Sending you support, Joslyn.

May you and your child build a new life, free of addiction.
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StarCat (11-19-2012)
Old 11-18-2012, 06:02 AM
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Absolutely plan this out very carefully because as soon as your A discovers that path you are contemplating he will obstruct it with all of his power to manipulate the situation... this is pretty universal with A's.

If you carefully think through every potential scenario and have already mapped out a solution to that situation you will be so much less stressed during what will be a difficult and turbulent time when you do seperate.

Legal advice is a great idea as well as a counselor... remember... it does not have to be sudden unless there is danger. Take your time as acceptance and thinking it through will help you with your resolve and firmness when he finds out and starts running interference...

Support and heartfelt prayers your way... remember that path to peace and happiness goes through the forest first but you can do this!
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Thumper (11-18-2012)
Old 11-18-2012, 06:09 AM
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I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. I am grieving the loss of our intact family as well.

I tried the sincere and loving conversations. When it was clear my closet drinker AH didn't want to engage in a conversation, I tried a loving email about the beautiful life we had built and how I was willing to do the work necessary to get through this. He told me he didn't have time to read the email. And this is after a 30 day rehab when he claims to be in recovery. I came to learn that my time was better spent being honest and loving with my kids, not my AH. So now I just detach as much as humanly possible and more importantly, take care of myself. Taking care of myself helps me be emotionally available to our children, which is really important to me.

Is there a way for you to take a break from family life for an hour or two? Can you bring the kids to friend's house so you can take a walk, or if you can't get away, could you go for a bike ride with your son? You don't have to talk about the things that are bothering you, but you can always tell him how much you love him and you can show him by doing something simple and refreshing together that will help you both.

Maybe breaking plans to go to the lake house in order to relax a little and take care of you instead of all the logistics of travel might be in order. And if your AH wants to go alone, then that will give you some peaceful time as an added bonus.

In a lot of the hard moments with our separation, I remind myself that the only thing I can do is be honest and loving. With my kids, I just try to be honest with them about the reality of the situation and about my feelings and also loving in all the little ways I can. I have started therapy and it has been very helpful. I think it will also allow me to say to my kids, when the time comes: I'm sad too, I'm hurting, here's how I'm getting help, and it's working for me. As parents, we can set that example for them.

I also had a conversation with my son's 3 grade teacher and the guidance counselor at his school. They have been wonderful about it. I told my son that he could talk to them at any time. It gives him a support network outside of the family, and also takes the secrecy and hence stigma out of the equation.

My heart goes out to you. When children are involved it is so painful. But, I get so much strength from my kids too. They really know how to enjoy life.
Hugs to you!
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