His bottom was death...another one lost to the disease
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 50
His bottom was death...another one lost to the disease
My heart is breaking. 63 year old AH died on Tuesday of complications of his disease. I have lurked for some time but never really posted my story as it is no different from everyone else's. Married over 21 years. He hasn't worked regularly. We retired and bought our dream home in 2010. Separated 14 months ago due to progressive verbal abuse and outrageous behaviours that involved him almost shooting a visiting relative. Three months ago he basically cut off all contact with his siblings who he had been very close to walking out of a family reunion and telling them he never wanted to see them again. They don't know what they did wrong and he never spoke to them again with the last words they heard were 'go to hell'. Most of our recent contact had been through the attorneys. I have survived thanks to SR and I thank you all for that. Our divorce was within weeks of being finalized but nothing signed yet. He had been falling. Two weeks ago while blowing leaves he fell over a retaining wall of the driveway falling 10 feet and breaking vertebrate in his back. Refused to go to hospital but finally went in 2 days later. I never knew of this until after admission when his friend called me being worried about the cat. Hospital stay complicated by horrible DT's, cardiac arrythmias, pneumonia. He really never knew we were there and he never really woke up. He was shocked a couple of times and on a ventilator briefly. Heartbreaking to see a grown man in adult diapers with his hands strapped to the bed. My co-dependency kicked in big time rushing to be with him, managing the affairs, coordinating with his family etc. It finally became clear that there would be no useful brain function and he hated hosptals and nursing homes. His family chose to terminate life support and he died, finally peaceful in an inpatient hospice Tuesday night.
He knew the end was coming. Three days before his final fall he had signed a new will and POA and we found it laid out in his office where it was easily located including information on the song he wanted played at his funeral. Two months ago he emailed me asking me if I would take the cat if he died or had to go to a nursing home. My higher power was clearly at work as the divorce settlement should have been final months ago but HIS lawyer dragged it out. I really had all the assets and they were going for alimony and support etc. Had that gone through as I had wanted I would have stood to lose a large chunk of money. Someone above had to have orchestrated this but there is no sense of victory here.
I, like the rest of you mourn not only the man that he could have been but the dream of our retirement years in the mountains. His mistress was the bottle. He had the narcissist traits so many of them have. I had pretty well detached due to the divorce but the good things if any that came of this senseless death were the fact that I and his family could say things to him at the end including the fact that he truly was loved and that I forgave him. I'm not sure he was aware we were there but the gift of being able to say that will help my healing. It also allowed me to reconnect with his family whom I had no contact with for a year due to the divorce. I was able to tell them the real facts of the weekend I left and we are reconciled. We live in North Carolina but was cremated today and his brother and I will take his ashes to his hometown in Iowa for burial next week. His two elderly parents are still living but the family also is in crisis as his perfectly healthy 55 yr old sister suffered a brain hemorrhage a week ago and has been on life support which is being stopped tomorrow. His parents lost 2 of their 5 children within 3 days of each other and the remaining siblings lost 2 of their 4 siblings. It is tearing everyone apart.
I would not have survived the last year without SR. Although I didn't write much trust that I read every day and continued to be amazed at the wisdom on this forum. The strength I gained was in good part due to SR. I have been in counseling for a year and will continue. There are still legal issues as I learned today some of the settlement issues may continue via his estate. I had assumed that since we were still married I basically had everything now but that may not be the case. The money was not worth a life. In time I will see the bigger picture of what is planned for me. In the meantime alll I can say is he is finally at peace and free of his demons but he paid for that with his life. Alcoholism is a horrible horrible disease.
He knew the end was coming. Three days before his final fall he had signed a new will and POA and we found it laid out in his office where it was easily located including information on the song he wanted played at his funeral. Two months ago he emailed me asking me if I would take the cat if he died or had to go to a nursing home. My higher power was clearly at work as the divorce settlement should have been final months ago but HIS lawyer dragged it out. I really had all the assets and they were going for alimony and support etc. Had that gone through as I had wanted I would have stood to lose a large chunk of money. Someone above had to have orchestrated this but there is no sense of victory here.
I, like the rest of you mourn not only the man that he could have been but the dream of our retirement years in the mountains. His mistress was the bottle. He had the narcissist traits so many of them have. I had pretty well detached due to the divorce but the good things if any that came of this senseless death were the fact that I and his family could say things to him at the end including the fact that he truly was loved and that I forgave him. I'm not sure he was aware we were there but the gift of being able to say that will help my healing. It also allowed me to reconnect with his family whom I had no contact with for a year due to the divorce. I was able to tell them the real facts of the weekend I left and we are reconciled. We live in North Carolina but was cremated today and his brother and I will take his ashes to his hometown in Iowa for burial next week. His two elderly parents are still living but the family also is in crisis as his perfectly healthy 55 yr old sister suffered a brain hemorrhage a week ago and has been on life support which is being stopped tomorrow. His parents lost 2 of their 5 children within 3 days of each other and the remaining siblings lost 2 of their 4 siblings. It is tearing everyone apart.
I would not have survived the last year without SR. Although I didn't write much trust that I read every day and continued to be amazed at the wisdom on this forum. The strength I gained was in good part due to SR. I have been in counseling for a year and will continue. There are still legal issues as I learned today some of the settlement issues may continue via his estate. I had assumed that since we were still married I basically had everything now but that may not be the case. The money was not worth a life. In time I will see the bigger picture of what is planned for me. In the meantime alll I can say is he is finally at peace and free of his demons but he paid for that with his life. Alcoholism is a horrible horrible disease.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((PeacefulMe)) - I'm so sorry for your loss. You and all who loved him, including his parents who have been dealt a horrible blow, are in my prayers.
I'm glad you've been reading here and it has helped you. I hope you continue to read and post, as we do care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm glad you've been reading here and it has helped you. I hope you continue to read and post, as we do care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 10
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thankyou for posting abot this, because us alcoholics need to be reminded, as much as possible, the consequences of picking up a drink. Alcoholism is a devastating disease and every single one of us have the potential to diefrom it.
Once again, thank you for the post, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
Thankyou for posting abot this, because us alcoholics need to be reminded, as much as possible, the consequences of picking up a drink. Alcoholism is a devastating disease and every single one of us have the potential to diefrom it.
Once again, thank you for the post, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 50
Thanks everyone. I forgot to put in the original post that I guess in the end he really did get the last word about his intention to never stop drinking. I mentioned we had found his will made out 3 days before going in the hospital. I swear this is true..............he put in the will that he wanted a full dinner to follow the funeral service "and specifically an open bar" at the dinner. His brothers intend to honor his wishes.......one of whom has already been to rehab once also..........the fact that he used the word specifically told me he really wanted to emphasize that. He made his point even after death.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
PeacefulMe, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your loss. You have my deepest sympathies.
What a brutal and relentless disease this is that it takes the lives of people much too soon and makes them continue to insanity even after death. I'm truly sorry.
Many prayers for your husband, for you, and for the entire family.
What a brutal and relentless disease this is that it takes the lives of people much too soon and makes them continue to insanity even after death. I'm truly sorry.
Many prayers for your husband, for you, and for the entire family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Peacefulme,
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I join you in hating this disease. It's horrible....just heartbreaking. I'm lifting you up in prayer this morning and in the days to come. I hope you'll lean on us here at SR when you need to.
With deepest sympathy,
Mary
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I join you in hating this disease. It's horrible....just heartbreaking. I'm lifting you up in prayer this morning and in the days to come. I hope you'll lean on us here at SR when you need to.
With deepest sympathy,
Mary
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for your profound loss. Alcoholism is a horrible disease indeed.
I am glad you have found strength through SR. It certainly has helped me immensely in my own life.
I will be keeping you and all of his family in my prayers. I can't imagine losing two children, and so close together.
May God hold your aching heart in his hands.
I am glad you have found strength through SR. It certainly has helped me immensely in my own life.
I will be keeping you and all of his family in my prayers. I can't imagine losing two children, and so close together.
May God hold your aching heart in his hands.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Please accept my deep sympathy for your loss.
I am glad you find comfort in spending time here with your SR family, even silently. Please know that we are with you in spirit during this time.
(((hugs)))
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