Anon12

Hi, this is going to sound a bit ignorant but what does working on myself mean?

I am trying not to fix him (and will try to not fix others in future) but how else should I be working on myself?

Sorry if I'm being stupid. I've read codependent no more and will reread, i want to be a better person and also avoid making the same mistakes again but I can't see the wood for the trees.

Rosiepetal

Do things you enjoy doing.
Take time out for yourself.
Find the happiness within you.

MsPINKAcres

for me working on myself means I learned how to treat myself with dignity, respect and self-love . . .

I learned that just because I don't know something I'm not stupid, I'm just uninformed about the subject at hand

I learned to STOP speaking so ugly to myself (no name calling, no self-bashing, and no hurtful self-behaviors)

I learned to start making decisions on what what healthy for ME not what everyone else wanted me to do

Now ~ these behaviors for me didn't change over night - it took lots of recovery meetings, reading and spiritual work with my HP ~

but for me - this is what working on myself means to me ~

pink hugs

mdkathy62

Hi Anon12,

Thanks for asking. "Working on yourself" can mean different things to different people. For me, it means putting my flaws and actions under the microscope and examining why I do the things I do. On the surface, it would appear that my XABF had the problem, but I did too. Alcoholism affects everyone involved, not just the alcoholic. I find that that I am guilty of the very same things I accuse him of. I am guilty of being in denial; I kept denying that he had relapsed when the evidence was clear. I am guilty of being manipulative; I threatened to leave or hint that I would leave, I would make arguments dramatic because I wanted a specific reaction out of him (usually one showing that he loved and cared about me more than alcohol). I am guilty of being ashamed of being with him; I would exaggerate his progress to people and downplay the struggles he had so they wouldn't judge me for being with him.

Working on myself also means building my self-esteem so I am not constantly trying to get his stamp of approval, hoping that he will react, hoping that he will put the drink down and choose the relationship over alcoholism. It means, I put myself and my needs first before thinking that maybe I can loan him money and that will somehow make him indebted to me and perhaps motivate him to maintain his sobriety. It means I continue with my life despite knowing that even after I left him, he is still drinking and is still skipping AA. To me, working on myself means that I maintain no contact with him, learn to value myself while also rebuilding myself to be a stronger, happier me :-)

ZiggyB

Instead of focusing on someone else and how to "fix" them, you focus on your own life.

This could mean finding your own happiness and peace from within, or becoming healthier with diet and exercise, or pursuing your own hobbies and interests, whatever your goals are. Sometimes codependents can become so obsessed with someone else that they aren't taking care of themselves in any way...

I've been going to therapy and focusing on meditation, and trying to do fun things with friends, reading books I am interested in and painting again.
I hope that helps!