February

Hey all. It's been a looooong time since I posted, because I was once afraid since my AH found my posts under another name while we were separated. That led to a fight, and I took all my posts down.

I got a new user name and planned to get back on here, but just never did. My story quick recap: I left him in 2009 when the drinking got really bad and he attempted suicide on DH's 4th birthday. I stayed on my own until early this year, cobbling together two (sometimes more) jobs and taking help from my family when I couldn't make it. Always made just a bit too much money for govt assistance though LOL.

During our separation, AH did not work much and hardly supported us, although he was sober most of the time. Even so, most of the time I felt peace over the whole separation, especially later on. During the time we were separated, AH got sober, has had one relapse lasting a few days, and now has been sober again for almost a year. He chairs at least one AA meeting a week and speaks to teenage boys in prison about his experiences.

DD's seem to have done pretty well throughout the separation, with younger one wanting dad to move back in throughout the almost 3 years, and older DD adamantly against it at least up until 9 months ago. Both make good grades and are socially adjusted.

Had a guy I used to work with and was somewhat interested in during my separation stalk me and threaten me, had to get police involved- not pretty but seems to be quite in the past.

I seriously considered divorce several times, even filed for it and paid for it, but withdrew. The days I was without my kids, and they were staying with AH (sometimes with no heat since he wasn't paying his bills) were rough on me and on them. I just could not bring myself to do it since AH was demanding 50 50 custody (and was likely to get it, being a lawyer and knowing the judges who were more disposed to give it to him)

I have been pretty happy since I last posted, overall. I have a great job now that pays okay, and provides me with health insurance for me and both my girls. I completed a codependent relationships course at a large church a few months ago, and now help facilitate it. I volunteer on a website for teens and young adults with drug/alcohol/relationship problems.

AH moved back in in July, and we are getting along pretty well. He works a lot more these days and provides more for us, but it is not as much as we need. Still struggling and frustrated, and am considering a second job again to make ends meet. Fairly sure I will end up resentful if I do.

My concern and I guess my question for you wise people is about my family.My parents are NOT ok with AH being back in my house. They are worried sick that he is taking advantage of me and used me as a place to stay, since he was foreclosed on for non payment of our mortgage at the old place. AH is frustrated that people in my family don't like him, and seems to blame me for "running him down" to them during the separation. I don't believe I did this. It was impossible to not tell relatives that I was separated, since I showed up at family events without him and my kids were very open about us being split up. I don't know how to have handled the whole separation WITHOUT family knowing some of the circumstances.

Anyway, my parents, esp mom, are hurt that I chose to let him move back in. My mom (who has her own issues- overeating, reclusiveness, wanting everything to measure up to her fantasy world-i.e. holidays were hell because they never measured up to some Martha Stewart magazine version) is constantly reminding me of things I said and did during the separation, telling me exactly what relatives and family friends think of AH, etc. Such as my uncle saying if I had gotten off my ass and gotten a divorce I "could've met someone by now". Or people saying I am way too smart to stay with an alcoholic- what's wrong with me?

I don't know how to handle upcoming holidays. DD's and I will probably go to above uncle's house with my mom's family. AH is NOT invited and does not want to go anyway, but I feel conflicted over even going. I know it will be tense at some points and I will find it difficult to answer DD's questions over why their dad did not come.

Anyone else deal with this sort of thing? I think people in my family are well-meaning and have justified reasons for concern, for the most part. However, none of them have walked in my shoes, agonizing over how to work two jobs and pay bills and yet still see my kids enough. They don't get that this is NOT easy to navigate and I often do second-guess whether the separation or living together in a sober A household is better for my kids. It's not as simple as dumping the alcoholic and getting a new man. There are custody and money issues, heartbreaking choices over who gets time with kids, and so on. I admit that letting him move back in seems like the best choice now, and that today is the only day I am sure of. AH knows if he starts drinking tomorrow or quits working, all bets are off.

Thanks for reading my rambling and I hope you have some good advice. Blessings on everyone dealing with crap today

redatlanta

Well, I have not quite been in this situation but kind of. About 2 years ago I had an issue with my AH and told my brother. He then told my whole family. Everyone in my family except my brother let it go. It wasn't anything to do with them. My brother has never let it go and AH and he have never set eyes on each othe again thought recently my brother said he is over it and they can kiss and makeup.

I advise no one to share issues about their partner with their family. We are able to forgive our partners but family usually holds onto it.

I don't know all the ins and outs of what you went through - but I am sure it wasn't good. When you bring someone back into your life that caused chaos - chaos to you means chaos to the family who knows - family doesn't want to deal with the chaos anymore.

Your husband will have to prove much more to them than he will ever have to prove to you. It could take years, they may never accept him. Such is the choice you have made. You can't expect them to welcome him back even for the sake of your children who might be confused or because of monetary issues.

I am sorry. This is very, very difficult. You will have to respect your family and give it time. Eventually, if all has worked out well, they may be willing to let him back in.

inpieces314

I know how difficult of a situation this is because it is kind of like my own. Except I am the outcast from his side of the family. Imagine that-who paid for everything needed while he was in rehab? Who was the only one who made the two hour drive to see him? Who was the only one he talked to on nights he was allowed to have calls? ME! They didn't do a damn thing! All they did the whole time was tell him how stupid he was for dealing with me (Mind you, he is the alcoholic, he is the one who did what he did, they know nothing about what he has done to me) and when he got out, had the audacity to tell him that he shouldn't be going with me to meetings!! WHAT?! Meetings are hard to find around here, I go out of state, and take him with me, and it's not like they are taking him or anything, they just want him to sit there and drink, so he can fail and they can blame me because you know, instead of going to meetings, we secretly sit there and drink all night long. Yeah, right.

Thank God he left there because he got tired of their bs. It's about time, because I have been dealing with this for years. But still, he now has to deal with my family. They don't like him at all, but they know that they cannot try to come into the middle with me and him because it's not going to end up pretty for anyone-I will take my kids and leave them all. I have said that, and meant it before. Because of that, they tolerate him. And that's about all.

The only thing he has done to my parents is not pay them back for the hundreds of dollars he owes them. What makes them angry about him is the fact that he has hurt me so many times. But now, they are at the point where they no longer care, now they just get angry at me for dealing with his crap, so I don't really talk about it with them.

The only way I get by is to separate everything. My family, us, and his family. That's how it has to be done, because I am really not trying to deal with that conflict.

Sueski

For what it's worth, I grew up with two sides of the family that didn't deal with each other. That's very painful and confusing for a kid. I had to blackmail my,father into going to my hs graduation, and he refused to go to my wedding. Because my mother was going. Yeah, seriously. And my father was the abusive, unfaithful one, not my mom.

If everybody can play nice, it's a lot easier on the kids. If not, it's tougher on everybody. I think you might want to consider what you would like to do for the holiday, what might be most fun for your kids. Leave the guilt and worry about other people's opinions aside for a while.

JenT1968

well, I think your family is entitled to feel worried about you and he is simply reaping the rewards of his years of alcohol abuse. A consequence of bad behaviour is that people don't like you and don't trust you, most people learn that as a child. You are entitled to share your life and experiences with whomever you chose in order to get some support. I suggest you hand the responsibility for his actions and feelings straight back to him.

Similarly, if your parents are not supporting your decision, you can tell them you understand, and respect their feelings but would rather they stopped going on about it because you have your own life to lead: they are responsible for their feelings and actions.

and you, have gone back to a sober alcoholic who blames you for the way other's feel about his actions, and instead of embracing the reality that any family would likely worry about their child returning to someone who hurt them so badly and that he probably has a lot of work to do in earning their trust again is still all about blaming others.


how are you feeling about this situation? about living with him? all of your post was about finances and worrying about him having the kids 50% of the time if you were seperate, and him neglecting them: this sounds so very far from getting back together because you think it can work out well, more that the problems of being seperate were too much for you to think of a way through so you've sort of accepted this fate?

hope you are getting some face-to-face support.
((hugs))

February

Some very good points and I really appreciate everyone's opinions. I am sorry that there are others who have shared this experience, but as always on SR I am glad there are many who are willing to share the wisdom they have gained from those experiences.

Especially helpful are the reminders that AH's behavior was THE reason my family does not like him, and he needs to remember and own it. I let him deal with consequences of his actions for the years we were separated,; these are more consequences. AH is just in the last few months working the steps with his sponsor, and is on step 4. Maybe perfect timing to start thinking of making amends to my family?

I still struggle with what is mine to own and where I need to detach, but going to the weekly codie group I mentioned really helps me. I completely don't blame my family for being concerned; what bothers me are the frequent guilt trips and crying jags begging me to reconsider. I am taking this one day at a time and told AH when he moved back in that I have proven to myself and everyone else just how well I can do on my own, and WILL again if his behavior leads me to believe I need to make that choice.

JenT, you had good points that in my post, I focused on the more practical reasons why it was easier to be back together rather than a feeling it would work being the reason to be back together. I am still processing that bit of wisdom. I felt it was time to go or get off the pot, to put it delicately. Everyone always told me throughout this ordeal of deciding whether to divorce or not that I would feel peace when it was right. Well, I never did. I kept feeling anxious and depressed, and would continually change my mind.

I mostly am happy- we still have some hurdles, like him sulking that my family doesn't like him, but things are much better than they were. He works most of the time and can help out significantly with bills, and he is more level personality wise- less snapping at me and the kids. I am also much more prepared to point those behaviors out when I see them, and in a more healthy way.

I am prepared for anything now- I am not recombining finances with him, and he is not allowed to receive mail at my house or use the address as his, as I do not want him on record as living with me for tax reasons (if things go down the drinking road again, and he owes the IRS I want no reason for them to come after me- this move is on lawyer's advice)

inpieces, I am so sorry your AH's family blames you. That's terribly sad for you and for all involved. They should be thanking you!

inpieces314

I was sorry too, but not anymore. They are still very active in their addictions, even though they may not be using (they are all meth addicts).

Anyway, I think that your husband is going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions for a while. Just because your family is mad at him now, does not mean it will be like that forever. I know how frustrating that can be-never doing anything right, never getting any respect, blah blah, but it was a direct result of his actions. He has to own up to what he did.

I am sure that when your family sees that 1. he is doing better, not hurting you, staying sober, etc. and 2. you two are not separating, you are trying to really work it out, etc. they will start to back off.

If they are like my family, they really only want what is the best for you, and if you are going to be happy with him, then that is what it is. They don't want to see him hurt you again. But don't EVER let them get in the middle of you and your marriage. They can have their opinions, but their business is their business, and your marriage is your business.