Worred for my 12 year old daughter
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA.
Posts: 235
I just wanted to say I have a 12 year old too, and there's a portion of this behavior that's just...being a 12 year old. I'm not minimalising this at all and I agree you should consider counseling for her, I just wanted to give you a little relief in knowing, 12 year olds go through a lot of emotional changes in this year, and when you add puberty to the mix, forget it. 
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I can't believe how scary that "no" feels but my reality is that I don' have a lot of protections in place yet. I need to buy myself some more time if I can.
He seems confused enough in the meantime that I am hoping to find excuses to not meet him alone until he gets back on his airplane.
A full on "no" will send him into a frenzy and I want to be better protected before I do that.
Unfortunately, excuses aren't ideal either. He's likely to get increasingly agitated no matter what I do
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He seems confused enough in the meantime that I am hoping to find excuses to not meet him alone until he gets back on his airplane.
A full on "no" will send him into a frenzy and I want to be better protected before I do that.
Unfortunately, excuses aren't ideal either. He's likely to get increasingly agitated no matter what I do
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box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
the anger you may be seeing could be directed at her father however because you are the reliable parent. you are there and she idolizes her father she may not say these things or act this way to him but to you. yes.
i only make this assumption because growing up my father a loving good dad was super quiet and almost hermet like and my mother was the loud talk you ear off in front of the line parent.
mine and my siblings feelings were the same towards both parents but we "acted out more and were more defiant towards our mother"
this could be puberty. this could be acting out at you because she cant or wouldnt to her father or it may be the seperation.
the point being that no matter the reason being involved with her but giving her space and keeping her as informed as possible about her dad may help the situation.
i was lucky to live in a household where my parents never divorced but despite addiction seperation is hard on any child and every child take that pain differently
i only make this assumption because growing up my father a loving good dad was super quiet and almost hermet like and my mother was the loud talk you ear off in front of the line parent.
mine and my siblings feelings were the same towards both parents but we "acted out more and were more defiant towards our mother"
this could be puberty. this could be acting out at you because she cant or wouldnt to her father or it may be the seperation.
the point being that no matter the reason being involved with her but giving her space and keeping her as informed as possible about her dad may help the situation.
i was lucky to live in a household where my parents never divorced but despite addiction seperation is hard on any child and every child take that pain differently
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
You can talk to him about his concerns on the phone first to feel him out. If he's unwilling to speak to you about them for at least some time on the phone, then he'll likely not respect you when he's face-to-face with you either. Use it as a sort of litmus test.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Florence 
apologize for our mistakes as parents
i use my 'troubled' words all the time...HALT, my kids know that word all too well...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
News flash -
My littlest one was sent home today. Seems she might have chicken pox (big brother just finishing up with it...)!
I truly feel at this time that God is looking after me. I have never been an incredibly spiritual person - but 10 minutes after I sent an excuse for not getting together with my AH this morning - the teacher called saying my girl was pale and feeling sick.
And then, moments later, my lawyer wrote giving me the best possible news ever. Now I can take a deep breath and move forward!!!
Through all of the difficulties I'm having I'll say one thing - this is not in fact a bad time in my life. It is a beautiful time. I feel for the first time ever that all of the pieces of my life are fitting together and that for so many years I was moving towards this crescendo.
I have a long way to go and lots of healing and work ahead of me. But I was starting my day thinking - here we go again, the AH is going to get us both wound up into a big drama - and yet the sun is shining and my AH seems actually relieved to have his kid get the chicken pox and keep us focused on her instead of adult conflict.
GRATEFUL - for friends, residency permits, children, opportunities to grow, sunshine, God, love, this site with all of you, and chicken pox.
My littlest one was sent home today. Seems she might have chicken pox (big brother just finishing up with it...)!
I truly feel at this time that God is looking after me. I have never been an incredibly spiritual person - but 10 minutes after I sent an excuse for not getting together with my AH this morning - the teacher called saying my girl was pale and feeling sick.
And then, moments later, my lawyer wrote giving me the best possible news ever. Now I can take a deep breath and move forward!!!
Through all of the difficulties I'm having I'll say one thing - this is not in fact a bad time in my life. It is a beautiful time. I feel for the first time ever that all of the pieces of my life are fitting together and that for so many years I was moving towards this crescendo.
I have a long way to go and lots of healing and work ahead of me. But I was starting my day thinking - here we go again, the AH is going to get us both wound up into a big drama - and yet the sun is shining and my AH seems actually relieved to have his kid get the chicken pox and keep us focused on her instead of adult conflict.
GRATEFUL - for friends, residency permits, children, opportunities to grow, sunshine, God, love, this site with all of you, and chicken pox.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Pippi...i"m glad you're having a better day today!!
My son is 13. I started taking him to Al anon when he was 12 and it has helped him so much! Just meeting other kids...who have similar problems at home...who 'get it'...has been such a big help for him... Somedays I have a hard time figuring out where the behavior is coming from sometimes. 13 is an awkward age under the best of circumstances. Just keep being there...The best thing you can do is model your own recovery so she knows what one looks like. That's what I'm trying to do with my son.
Hugs..
Mary
My son is 13. I started taking him to Al anon when he was 12 and it has helped him so much! Just meeting other kids...who have similar problems at home...who 'get it'...has been such a big help for him... Somedays I have a hard time figuring out where the behavior is coming from sometimes. 13 is an awkward age under the best of circumstances. Just keep being there...The best thing you can do is model your own recovery so she knows what one looks like. That's what I'm trying to do with my son.
Hugs..
Mary
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Pippi, you are quite something! In the midst of all this chaos, with not just your own emotions to handle, but those of the four kids you are single-parenting, you can see the future! Wow! You are quite impressive!
I know there will be more ups and downs, but each time you get to this place of happiness, peace, confidence in yourself, you get stronger, and it is showing.
About your 12 year old daughter, I also think the age itself is part of the problem. I had one daughter and two step-daughters age 12, 13, and 14 when I remarried, and what a handful that was. From my experience, teenage girls are moody, dramatic, up and down, you name it. And I think 12 is already part of this early adolescent psychology. I found raising teenage boys to be very different. They are much more direct, far less moody.
My experience was that teenagers want to have parents set limits and enforce them. They want limits they can rail against, argue with, yell about, complain to their friends. But really, what they is want the inner security of knowing that someone will stop them before they go too far.
I remember my daughter, at about 13, announcing that she was going to meet the local juvenile delinquent down by the river in the park at 10PM. We had a roaring fight about that, and I just kept saying "NO." Suddenly she looked at me with an impish grin, and said "I just wanted to see how far you'd let me go", and skipped off. I felt like I had been playing tug of war with a thousand soldiers pulling on the other end of the rope, and they had suddenly let go and I'd fallen flat on the floor. She just wanted the limit.
I am not in any way minimizing what you and your daughter are going through; it is serious, and you are right to pay as much attention to her as you can, and therapy is a great resource. Just a suggestion that you factor in early adolescence to the mix as well.
ShootingStar1
I know there will be more ups and downs, but each time you get to this place of happiness, peace, confidence in yourself, you get stronger, and it is showing.
About your 12 year old daughter, I also think the age itself is part of the problem. I had one daughter and two step-daughters age 12, 13, and 14 when I remarried, and what a handful that was. From my experience, teenage girls are moody, dramatic, up and down, you name it. And I think 12 is already part of this early adolescent psychology. I found raising teenage boys to be very different. They are much more direct, far less moody.
My experience was that teenagers want to have parents set limits and enforce them. They want limits they can rail against, argue with, yell about, complain to their friends. But really, what they is want the inner security of knowing that someone will stop them before they go too far.
I remember my daughter, at about 13, announcing that she was going to meet the local juvenile delinquent down by the river in the park at 10PM. We had a roaring fight about that, and I just kept saying "NO." Suddenly she looked at me with an impish grin, and said "I just wanted to see how far you'd let me go", and skipped off. I felt like I had been playing tug of war with a thousand soldiers pulling on the other end of the rope, and they had suddenly let go and I'd fallen flat on the floor. She just wanted the limit.
I am not in any way minimizing what you and your daughter are going through; it is serious, and you are right to pay as much attention to her as you can, and therapy is a great resource. Just a suggestion that you factor in early adolescence to the mix as well.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Through all of the difficulties I'm having I'll say one thing - this is not in fact a bad time in my life. It is a beautiful time. I feel for the first time ever that all of the pieces of my life are fitting together and that for so many years I was moving towards this crescendo.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
And don't personalize the things that come out of her mouth that sound crazy-- had I done that with my now 17 year old I would have been pretty miserable. I also learned not to patronize her even when total insanity was coming out of her.
At seventeen she still occasionally regresses, but instead of it being all the time it's on occasion. The last one was triggered by me telling her to finish her makeup because it was time to leave. What she heard was "I don't love you, you are ugly, and why can't you be more like your mother." After she was done with her total meltdown she was ashamed and contrite, but it took three days and her aunt asking her what the hell was she thinking before she got there.
At seventeen she still occasionally regresses, but instead of it being all the time it's on occasion. The last one was triggered by me telling her to finish her makeup because it was time to leave. What she heard was "I don't love you, you are ugly, and why can't you be more like your mother." After she was done with her total meltdown she was ashamed and contrite, but it took three days and her aunt asking her what the hell was she thinking before she got there.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Parents of teenage girls should get some kind of special medal for living through it
I have all boys and I always used to say that I must be to ornery for girls but perhaps I need to adjust that because I'm not sure I could hack teenage girls!
I have all boys and I always used to say that I must be to ornery for girls but perhaps I need to adjust that because I'm not sure I could hack teenage girls!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Took my 12 year old to her first therapy appt. I was petrified of what horrible light she was going to cast me in. She doesn't seem to notice the deep attention and affection coming her way from me much. She just seems to think that everything I do or say is wrong. And she can't seem to hold on to the good but she remembers the bad moments quite well. So I expected a thrashing! Plus she is so cute and innocent looking no one would think she could be the rude and mean gal she turns into pretty regularly around here these days.
However, I felt so close to her emotionally when we went in there together...
Afterwards the therapist did comment that my girl is very angry with me. My daughter thinks that I have grossly exaggerated my AH's abusive behaviors and that things are no where near as bad or scary as I portray them to be. Sigh. The therapist said that she's angry and that there really isn't anything I can do but give her space. No magic formulas.
Happily, my girl and I went for a nice lunch afterwards and since she hasn't had a fit in a record 4 hours!
It's so hard that my AH's drinking and abuse is only evident to me, and in smaller quantities to the children and my mother. basically, if you didn't live with him, you'd maybe never know. That has allowed him to live a double life and convince everyone that I am crazy or high strung or impossible to satisfy while preserving, for the most part, even with his daughter, the idea that he is a sweet lovable man that is being unfairly kept out of the family home by his nasty wife.
She wanted the therapist to ask him to let him stay with us again over the holidays. I had to say no. It would be like letting in Dr. jekyll. Sure, nice guy, if a little scatterbrained and disheveled. But what's gonna happen when he turns into Hyde? She my girl is going to stay furious with me because I can buy her lovely gifts but I can't grant her most treasured wish. Bottom line, if I am in danger, so are they all.
However, I felt so close to her emotionally when we went in there together...
Afterwards the therapist did comment that my girl is very angry with me. My daughter thinks that I have grossly exaggerated my AH's abusive behaviors and that things are no where near as bad or scary as I portray them to be. Sigh. The therapist said that she's angry and that there really isn't anything I can do but give her space. No magic formulas.
Happily, my girl and I went for a nice lunch afterwards and since she hasn't had a fit in a record 4 hours!
It's so hard that my AH's drinking and abuse is only evident to me, and in smaller quantities to the children and my mother. basically, if you didn't live with him, you'd maybe never know. That has allowed him to live a double life and convince everyone that I am crazy or high strung or impossible to satisfy while preserving, for the most part, even with his daughter, the idea that he is a sweet lovable man that is being unfairly kept out of the family home by his nasty wife.
She wanted the therapist to ask him to let him stay with us again over the holidays. I had to say no. It would be like letting in Dr. jekyll. Sure, nice guy, if a little scatterbrained and disheveled. But what's gonna happen when he turns into Hyde? She my girl is going to stay furious with me because I can buy her lovely gifts but I can't grant her most treasured wish. Bottom line, if I am in danger, so are they all.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
"More will be reveal"
Raising daughters is one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life ~ raising daughters in an alcoholic/addict home made it worse ~
When things look & feel so tough - please remember that although she may not know it now - you are teaching your daughter to honor herself with self-respect, dignity and self-love ~ to not accept unhealthy behaviors from their mate ~ She may not recognize that behavior from her father right now - but as she gets older - she will ~
I have 5 daughters that see it now when they couldn't always see it then ~
mom prayers for you & yours
pink hugs
Raising daughters is one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life ~ raising daughters in an alcoholic/addict home made it worse ~
When things look & feel so tough - please remember that although she may not know it now - you are teaching your daughter to honor herself with self-respect, dignity and self-love ~ to not accept unhealthy behaviors from their mate ~ She may not recognize that behavior from her father right now - but as she gets older - she will ~
I have 5 daughters that see it now when they couldn't always see it then ~
mom prayers for you & yours
pink hugs
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