Recovering Alocholic BF broke up with me!:'( Feel like dying!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14 
He unfriended me in FB and never used to attend my calls. Recently I tried talking to him he said he never loved me and there is nothing with AA.
Not answering your calls and unfriending you in facebook indicates he doesn't want to talk to you, and yet here you are two or three months after he ended a month-long relationship still trying to talk to him! This sort of behavior on your part is not going to endear you to him. It verifies that he was right to break up with you.
I almost died! ... Please help me out I feel like dying!
This likely seems to him like an overreaction to the ending of a relationship that only lasted a few weeks. This is too intense for most people to handle. When people start talking like this, even when it's just a figure of speech, it indicates that they should talk to a professional.
Earlier he used to attend meeting daily but now he is not going so often( may be he has cmpltd one yr in AA).
So how do you know this? How do you know how often he goes? Either you are stalking him or you are questioning people about him or did he tell you himself the last time you 'tried' to talk to him? None of these are good answers. In your last thread I think you said you dated during month 8 or so of his recovery. So you've been obsessing about this now for 2-4 months. This can't be healthy behavior for you.
Is it about AA as his sponsor advised to breakup with me or he really doesnt need me anymore?
He never NEEDED you. And he doesn't need you now. It has nothing to do with his drinking, AA, or his sponsor. He hung out with your for a few weeks and decided you weren't the one for him. It happens all the time, for people who are alcoholics and for people who aren't. Sometimes that just happens.
Not answering your calls and unfriending you in facebook indicates he doesn't want to talk to you, and yet here you are two or three months after he ended a month-long relationship still trying to talk to him! This sort of behavior on your part is not going to endear you to him. It verifies that he was right to break up with you.
I almost died! ... Please help me out I feel like dying!
This likely seems to him like an overreaction to the ending of a relationship that only lasted a few weeks. This is too intense for most people to handle. When people start talking like this, even when it's just a figure of speech, it indicates that they should talk to a professional.
Earlier he used to attend meeting daily but now he is not going so often( may be he has cmpltd one yr in AA).
So how do you know this? How do you know how often he goes? Either you are stalking him or you are questioning people about him or did he tell you himself the last time you 'tried' to talk to him? None of these are good answers. In your last thread I think you said you dated during month 8 or so of his recovery. So you've been obsessing about this now for 2-4 months. This can't be healthy behavior for you.
Is it about AA as his sponsor advised to breakup with me or he really doesnt need me anymore?
He never NEEDED you. And he doesn't need you now. It has nothing to do with his drinking, AA, or his sponsor. He hung out with your for a few weeks and decided you weren't the one for him. It happens all the time, for people who are alcoholics and for people who aren't. Sometimes that just happens.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
All his words made me feel that he is the one for me.
You did something to change him from being a 'good' friend who wanted you all his life to 'it seems like he hates me', and getting yourself unfriended and having him avoid your calls.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 23
Thanks for the replies SadHeart. I am not planning to get back again with him. Whatever may be he can say if he doesnt like me anymore and I will not be worrying about the lost relationship. He never gives a proper answer each time he says something which is inappropriate.. Whether he is dating some other girl or lost interest in me whatever he can tell me politely. I deserve some self-respect.I never did anything. He had a huge crush on me from the time we met.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. In a similar circumstance, so can totally relate to how devastating this is. The worst part is the 'not knowing', and then you keep going back to yourself and what you did or didn't do to cause this.
Truth is, it isn't YOU. From all I've learned/read on these forums, these relationships with A's, recovered or not, are madness in the making. I know how much this hurts to have someone just turn and walk out of your life, and with no reason...it rips to the very core, and is damaging, no matter how long the relationship was.
Thing is, we, as 'normals' would never do that to someone. If something was wrong, we'd address it, and if it wasn't fixable, then it would be over. Everyone would know where they stood. Yes, still hurt...but not like THIS.
THIS, which is their way of acting, actually their self-defense mechanism is simply unfathomable to me. It speaks of a coldness and callusness that is truly hard to understand. After all, we loved them...how could we have missed this before it all came back and cut us to the core?
There are no magic cures, my friend. I wish so too. I feel your pain. He's an assclown. In the long run you will be better off...and you will grow from this. A hard life lesson, one I wouldn't wish on anyone...but we are there together. I too am struggling.
I wish you peace. Remember..love shouldn't be this hard.
He isn't worth it. Try and shift your focus if you can. Post here whenever you need support.
sending hugs.
Truth is, it isn't YOU. From all I've learned/read on these forums, these relationships with A's, recovered or not, are madness in the making. I know how much this hurts to have someone just turn and walk out of your life, and with no reason...it rips to the very core, and is damaging, no matter how long the relationship was.
Thing is, we, as 'normals' would never do that to someone. If something was wrong, we'd address it, and if it wasn't fixable, then it would be over. Everyone would know where they stood. Yes, still hurt...but not like THIS.
THIS, which is their way of acting, actually their self-defense mechanism is simply unfathomable to me. It speaks of a coldness and callusness that is truly hard to understand. After all, we loved them...how could we have missed this before it all came back and cut us to the core?
There are no magic cures, my friend. I wish so too. I feel your pain. He's an assclown. In the long run you will be better off...and you will grow from this. A hard life lesson, one I wouldn't wish on anyone...but we are there together. I too am struggling.
I wish you peace. Remember..love shouldn't be this hard.
He isn't worth it. Try and shift your focus if you can. Post here whenever you need support.
sending hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: acworth
Posts: 33
I don't know much about drinkers but maybe he is drinking again? When I 1st met my bf he had stopped drinking as much, but the more he started drinking the less he wanted to be with me. I never even saw the connection till much later.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
So sorry for your hurt.
What I've found helpful is learning as much as I can about alcoholism & perhaps in your case recovery.
I have a book on order which is called:
Under the influence by Milam Ketcham.
It is hard honey, hang in there, keep posting.
What I've found helpful is learning as much as I can about alcoholism & perhaps in your case recovery.
I have a book on order which is called:
Under the influence by Milam Ketcham.
It is hard honey, hang in there, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Many books on addiction describe the ways in which alcoholics use people as objects, just as they use drugs. (Specifically, "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken discusses this).
I am very sorry you had to experience what is essentially a slap in the face from someone you bonded with very quickly, intensely, and in a way that for you felt like magic. You opened your heart wide, you trusted, you fell in love, and you believed he was as he appeared to be.
Many here can identify with the instant feeling of connection and trust you had with this man and the exhilaration that you had found someone to share a life with.
One of the most painful experiences in becoming adults is that our innocence is lost in so many ways. And one of the ways we here lost our innocence was in believing that the magic show of the alcoholic was real.
Alcoholics and drug addicts love the glamorous escape. Whether it is drugs. Gambling. A new woman. Buying sprees.
Fidelity, dependability, maturity, the ability to delay gratification, commitment: for the alcoholic whose brain has been rewired to crave instant pleasure, these character traits are not his goal.
You may be a young woman or perhaps you are well into your adult years. But you have a trusting innocence, and I believe it is that in you which is now so stricken, so chastened. You cannot believe someone is capable of treating you in this manner because you yourself are incapable of treating anyone this way.
The alcoholic personality in many alcoholics is grandiose, cocksure, self-centered, inflated, and it thrives on adrenaline. It feeds on crisis and it is fueled by resentments when things and people do not conform to its demands.
This man you have been with is unstable and immature. He has lived life drunk probably for a long time, and has learned no life lessons.
You, on the other hand, have perhaps believed in the inherent goodness of most people. You have perhaps had a gullibility that you did not know.
One of the gifts I received in being blindsided by an addict was the removal of the last traces of my innocence. For that I am grateful. It needed to happen. I am a better person for being aware of the dark side of life. No one is much good to other people if she believes in a rainbow kind of world. It is not real. It is both dark and light. And the world is filled with people who are dangerous.
I hope you will come to believe that, though you may have trusted too much too quickly, your impulse to love another should never be a source of shame. It is just that you have learned--through pain--that love and trust are precious and are built over time. I very much identify with your romantic heart and hopes. But I have learned that those qualities in me caused me to project qualities onto a man which he had not yet demonstrated over time. A knight in shining armor is someone who keeps his promises, treats others with respect, and tells the truth. Only time--a lot of time--reveals whether a man has real integrity.
Your Higher Power may have designed this experience for you in order to protect you. Maybe one day you will better understand. For now, your pain is overwhelming you. But you will come through this and you will be stronger.
I am very sorry you had to experience what is essentially a slap in the face from someone you bonded with very quickly, intensely, and in a way that for you felt like magic. You opened your heart wide, you trusted, you fell in love, and you believed he was as he appeared to be.
Many here can identify with the instant feeling of connection and trust you had with this man and the exhilaration that you had found someone to share a life with.
One of the most painful experiences in becoming adults is that our innocence is lost in so many ways. And one of the ways we here lost our innocence was in believing that the magic show of the alcoholic was real.
Alcoholics and drug addicts love the glamorous escape. Whether it is drugs. Gambling. A new woman. Buying sprees.
Fidelity, dependability, maturity, the ability to delay gratification, commitment: for the alcoholic whose brain has been rewired to crave instant pleasure, these character traits are not his goal.
You may be a young woman or perhaps you are well into your adult years. But you have a trusting innocence, and I believe it is that in you which is now so stricken, so chastened. You cannot believe someone is capable of treating you in this manner because you yourself are incapable of treating anyone this way.
The alcoholic personality in many alcoholics is grandiose, cocksure, self-centered, inflated, and it thrives on adrenaline. It feeds on crisis and it is fueled by resentments when things and people do not conform to its demands.
This man you have been with is unstable and immature. He has lived life drunk probably for a long time, and has learned no life lessons.
You, on the other hand, have perhaps believed in the inherent goodness of most people. You have perhaps had a gullibility that you did not know.
One of the gifts I received in being blindsided by an addict was the removal of the last traces of my innocence. For that I am grateful. It needed to happen. I am a better person for being aware of the dark side of life. No one is much good to other people if she believes in a rainbow kind of world. It is not real. It is both dark and light. And the world is filled with people who are dangerous.
I hope you will come to believe that, though you may have trusted too much too quickly, your impulse to love another should never be a source of shame. It is just that you have learned--through pain--that love and trust are precious and are built over time. I very much identify with your romantic heart and hopes. But I have learned that those qualities in me caused me to project qualities onto a man which he had not yet demonstrated over time. A knight in shining armor is someone who keeps his promises, treats others with respect, and tells the truth. Only time--a lot of time--reveals whether a man has real integrity.
Your Higher Power may have designed this experience for you in order to protect you. Maybe one day you will better understand. For now, your pain is overwhelming you. But you will come through this and you will be stronger.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by SadHeart
Actually it might be her. What I learned in Al-Anon and codie recovery was, it was in fact, ME. (even though he was a raging end stage alkie)
May I know what i did....! What makes you say that.. If it is me then why must I post in this forum looking for answers..... I didnt do anything to spoil the relationship and I was very supportive as a gf.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Many books on addiction describe the ways in which alcoholics use people as objects, just as they use drugs. (Specifically, "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken discusses this).
I am very sorry you had to experience what is essentially a slap in the face from someone you bonded with very quickly, intensely, and in a way that for you felt like magic. You opened your heart wide, you trusted, you fell in love, and you believed he was as he appeared to be.
Many here can identify with the instant feeling of connection and trust you had with this man and the exhilaration that you had found someone to share a life with.
One of the most painful experiences in becoming adults is that our innocence is lost in so many ways. And one of the ways we here lost our innocence was in believing that the magic show of the alcoholic was real.
Alcoholics and drug addicts love the glamorous escape. Whether it is drugs. Gambling. A new woman. Buying sprees.
Fidelity, dependability, maturity, the ability to delay gratification, commitment: for the alcoholic whose brain has been rewired to crave instant pleasure, these character traits are not his goal.
You may be a young woman or perhaps you are well into your adult years. But you have a trusting innocence, and I believe it is that in you which is now so stricken, so chastened. You cannot believe someone is capable of treating you in this manner because you yourself are incapable of treating anyone this way.
The alcoholic personality in many alcoholics is grandiose, cocksure, self-centered, inflated, and it thrives on adrenaline. It feeds on crisis and it is fueled by resentments when things and people do not conform to its demands.
This man you have been with is unstable and immature. He has lived life drunk probably for a long time, and has learned no life lessons.
You, on the other hand, have perhaps believed in the inherent goodness of most people. You have perhaps had a gullibility that you did not know.
One of the gifts I received in being blindsided by an addict was the removal of the last traces of my innocence. For that I am grateful. It needed to happen. I am a better person for being aware of the dark side of life. No one is much good to other people if she believes in a rainbow kind of world. It is not real. It is both dark and light. And the world is filled with people who are dangerous.
I hope you will come to believe that, though you may have trusted too much too quickly, your impulse to love another should never be a source of shame. It is just that you have learned--through pain--that love and trust are precious and are built over time. I very much identify with your romantic heart and hopes. But I have learned that those qualities in me caused me to project qualities onto a man which he had not yet demonstrated over time. A knight in shining armor is someone who keeps his promises, treats others with respect, and tells the truth. Only time--a lot of time--reveals whether a man has real integrity.
Your Higher Power may have designed this experience for you in order to protect you. Maybe one day you will better understand. For now, your pain is overwhelming you. But you will come through this and you will be stronger.
I am very sorry you had to experience what is essentially a slap in the face from someone you bonded with very quickly, intensely, and in a way that for you felt like magic. You opened your heart wide, you trusted, you fell in love, and you believed he was as he appeared to be.
Many here can identify with the instant feeling of connection and trust you had with this man and the exhilaration that you had found someone to share a life with.
One of the most painful experiences in becoming adults is that our innocence is lost in so many ways. And one of the ways we here lost our innocence was in believing that the magic show of the alcoholic was real.
Alcoholics and drug addicts love the glamorous escape. Whether it is drugs. Gambling. A new woman. Buying sprees.
Fidelity, dependability, maturity, the ability to delay gratification, commitment: for the alcoholic whose brain has been rewired to crave instant pleasure, these character traits are not his goal.
You may be a young woman or perhaps you are well into your adult years. But you have a trusting innocence, and I believe it is that in you which is now so stricken, so chastened. You cannot believe someone is capable of treating you in this manner because you yourself are incapable of treating anyone this way.
The alcoholic personality in many alcoholics is grandiose, cocksure, self-centered, inflated, and it thrives on adrenaline. It feeds on crisis and it is fueled by resentments when things and people do not conform to its demands.
This man you have been with is unstable and immature. He has lived life drunk probably for a long time, and has learned no life lessons.
You, on the other hand, have perhaps believed in the inherent goodness of most people. You have perhaps had a gullibility that you did not know.
One of the gifts I received in being blindsided by an addict was the removal of the last traces of my innocence. For that I am grateful. It needed to happen. I am a better person for being aware of the dark side of life. No one is much good to other people if she believes in a rainbow kind of world. It is not real. It is both dark and light. And the world is filled with people who are dangerous.
I hope you will come to believe that, though you may have trusted too much too quickly, your impulse to love another should never be a source of shame. It is just that you have learned--through pain--that love and trust are precious and are built over time. I very much identify with your romantic heart and hopes. But I have learned that those qualities in me caused me to project qualities onto a man which he had not yet demonstrated over time. A knight in shining armor is someone who keeps his promises, treats others with respect, and tells the truth. Only time--a lot of time--reveals whether a man has real integrity.
Your Higher Power may have designed this experience for you in order to protect you. Maybe one day you will better understand. For now, your pain is overwhelming you. But you will come through this and you will be stronger.
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