Randy32

I stuck by an alcoholic bf who got drunk once and beat the **** out me..

I stayed waaaaay longer than i should have and now the rlationship has ended but Iam serioulsy wondering how to get out of these feelings and grieve and heal and forgive myself.

Im sooo angry at myelf for staying by someone who was so insecure and afraid.

If anyone can help me make sense out of why i stayed for so long?..or any insight into why people stay in abusive relationships..I imagine it has to do alot with my own self esteem or my own lack of self respect..I slowly chipped away at all that confiedence and I dont even know who I am anymore.

Would be really nice to get that back.

SparkleKitty

Surround yourself with people you like and who like you. People are like mirrors: the good ones reflect in the best in us, and in turn, we internalize that positive reinforcement and begin to change the way we see ourselves.

Relationships with As can rock your world. It'll take time to bring that back to balance, but it will happen if you are gentle with yourself and good to yourself. I am rooting for you!

mdkathy62

Hi Randy32,

I can't tell you why you stuck around as long as you did, but I can tell you why I did. I stuck with my ex for a little over 3 years. I paid for everything, cooked, cleaned, let him live with me, he got physical with me twice when he was obliterated (shoved me into a wall over and over, dug his finger nails into my arms, scratched me, and I keep pictures of what happened to remind me), whenever we were broken up he would run to the same rebound over and over and try to get with her but nothing came of it because she was only 17 and he was older than that, he would say nasty things about me to all of our friends, and through all of that, I stuck with him. Looking back, when he got physical with me was a defining moment. I should have left, but I kept talking to him. He apologized, said the alcohol he drank was really strong, yada yada, and started going to therapy briefly. He then got a DUI and started going to AA and was sober for 6 months, then relapsed.

I think my staying with him had A LOT to do with my low self-esteem. I didn't think I deserved better and part of my heightened self-esteem was when he would love me and treat me the way I should be treated. I felt better about myself when people would say oh my he's sober, so glad he has you in his life, etc. Those things made me feel great about myself and I started to feel like if people thought he was successful then they were implying I was the reason for it. It made me feel good to be needed by him. As much as I didn't like paying and taking care of him, it felt nice to be needed. It felt even nicer when he was sober and was turning his life around, like somehow I had a good influence on him. Ultimately, he relapsed and I realized I can't make anyone change. I was not the reason for his few months of sobriety. I was simply an enabler. I forced him to hide his addiction so he appeared "sober" on the surface (he lied towards the end and was not sober 8 months but only 6). Any good that I thought I was helping with was just merely me being in denial and him trying to live up to the expectations I had and it blew up. If he wants to continue being an alcoholic, I should just let him rather than pressure him to be someone he is not. Now that we aren't together, what is he doing? Yep, back to drinking, no longer going to AA, and saying nasty things about me once again. I kept thinking and he also kept saying things like, I always come back to you, I always know what to come back to, but if I look at it the other way, he ALWAYS goes back to alcohol, to lying, to deception, to denial and avoidance. That's his pattern.

Now, I'm trying to build my self-esteem, but not with trying to fix someone else. I'm trying to build my self-esteem by doing what I want to do, loving myself, and trying to keep him out of my life. I hope that in time I can fully move on and the next guy I date won't be another case to fix, but someone I can truly be with happily.

ZiggyB

Hi
I wondered the same thing... therapy might give you some insight. I think it was low self-esteem combined with the fact that when things were good he could be truly loving. And I kept clinging to the hope that he would change and things would get better. Don't blame yourself, you have suffered enough without beating up on yourself now.

Tuffgirl

My therapist had me write a letter to myself, which was helpful. But forgiving myself for the last 5 years wasn't a one time thing. It's a process. And it began with deciding this was not working for me and doing the necessary steps to put my life and my family back on the right track for us.

Forgiveness also came in step with acceptance of the reality of this relationship. Once I fully embraced reality and let go of my fantasy, it was much easier to forgive myself.

fluffyflea

Melody Beattie books are good, Co-Dependent No More. Take it easy on yourself.

StarCat

You are out of the relationship now.
You survived.
You learned something, and you did get out of there.

In my case, I learned that thoughts like those were the best place to start.
Certainly there are regrets... But I got a lot of good out of it now, and in a lot of ways I got a crash course in being a better, stronger, more confident person now than I was before.
Now I tell people that I wouldn't wish the specifics on anyone, but that I'm grateful for what I learned.

I'm working through paperwork now to apply to help at the local women's shelter, to give back to those who are so much like me, who have my shared experiences.

The past is past. I've learned that I have a better time forgiving myself for past mistakes when I'm focused on doing good going forward, rather than when I'm stuck walking backwards staring at them.

You're a strong person. You got out! You're taking care of yourself! And that's worth so much more than you can imagine right now.

Randy32

I have copied and pasted this to my desk top. I am keeping it as a reminder of how that love you get from the xah would sustain you but the lack of trust and self esteem was the thing that would keep you stuck in it when it was awful.. Thank you sooooo much for taking the time to write this. i realize that I need to lay the foundation brick by brick within myself to slowly build back that trust, and confiedence and respect. your words helped me so much. this site is really helpful!..feeling alot better after reading your post.

mdkathy62

Hi Randy32,

I'm glad my words helped you in some way. We are all going through the motions. I'm still fresh from leaving my XABF (3 weeks). Everyday I come to SR to read, to post, and to remind myself of all the reasons why I can't be with him, why I left, and why I need to stay left. It took me a long time to admit that I had low self-esteem and low standards for how I should be treated. I always thought I had high self-esteem. I was this big, independent woman with a job and I was being this great, nice person by sticking by someone who was a bit behind in his life. Part of me would say, man he has no idea what he has and the other part of me would say why doesn't he understand what he has??? The real question I should have been asking myself all along was: why don't I understand how great I AM?

Lynnrae2

the last part of your post is almost perfectly said.....

Randy, keep reading and keep posting. I asked myself the same questions. Why the hell would I stay with someone that treated me so bad. Then I read the story somewhere on SR about putting the frog in boiling water. How alcohol is a progressive disease. Now I understand better.

I told my therapist at the time, that "now i know why women get beat and stay in the relationship."

My exab had a way of making me feel like I was the most special and beautiful woman on earth but at the same time was tearing me down both mentally and emotionally. (the frog in the boiling water).

not sure if I am quoting it correctly.....but it goes something like. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out of the pot.....if you put a frog in room temperature water and raise the temperature gradually, the frog will boil to death.

This made alot of sense for me.

keep reading and keep posting!!!!

fourmaggie

we are CO DEPENDENTS


its time to take back OUR POWER

Windancer

I have found that for me one of the best ways to get over anything that is bothering me is either to have a gratitude list, write a love letter to myself, or if Im angry or having trouble letting go of something I write it all down, bawl my eyes out, write write write, then burn the papers. It has helped me.