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Why am I the one feeling sorry and sad??

Old 11-11-2012, 08:36 PM
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Why am I the one feeling sorry and sad??

Hello,
So, the AH and I have not been talking for about 5 days now. Complete silence from him. He is the one who is wrong here. He promised me he would never take another drink again for the rest of his life, and if he did, he said I should divorce him. He has been pretending for 4 weeks now that he hasn't had a drink. I caught him in a lie and he admitted he had "one" drink and acted like it wasn't a big deal. It was just "one" drink he says. Went on to add if he wants to drink 40 beers he will...so I scheduled a consult with a lawyer tomorrow morning and I wasn't going to tell him about it, but he made me so angry with his silent treatment that I told him. He said he didn't care..to go ahead and divorce him..he would never shed a tear over me. Actually life would be better without listening to me bitch all the time. Then he told me to get a job. I am a stay-at-home mom who does EVERYTHING for my kids. Is he really this selfish and cold? Is it me?

I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm sitting here crying and upset, wondering why he doesn't love me while he is downstairs sleeping and not caring at all about me....I can't deal with this anymore..I really can't. Pretty soon I am going to have to commit myself because I am going nuts here...
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:01 PM
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It is him! You are too good for him. You don't need him. I mean eventually you will have to get a job but I am sure you can do it! Move on to someone better who doesn't give you drama.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:01 PM
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I'm so sorry....

He is an addict, drinking is what they do, don't care one bit about promises, mine broke plenty. The way he is treating you sucks, he probably figures you won't do anything about it, like actually go through with divorcing him. It isn't you, he has a drinking problem and he's getting mean and nasty defending his "lifestyle" and his B.S.

I think you should contact a lawyer to figure out what options you have.
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Old 11-12-2012, 01:40 AM
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So sorry caligirl.
You're not going nuts, its just the alcoholism that makes you feel that way.
You've put up with it for too long.
The only interest he has drinking.
I know it's hard.
Big hugs to you.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:23 AM
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He is messed up, it is not you. It is time for you to get you on your feet, he is tearing you down...word by word, lie by lie. You deserve better, move forward, he has.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:23 AM
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I feel for you. I have been where you are several times. I left my AH 3 times. The second time, he said that I "should get the f out" more times than I can count and that he likes beer and that I was going to have to just live with it.

Trust me...he does not have the capability of loving you the way you need to be loved. It will get better when you choose to step out of the craziness. I left my AH for the 3rd and final time 2 months ago. Life is much better.

Meet with that attorney. Make informed choices. I was/am a working mother and still did EVERYTHING - except laundry, he liked doing the laundry. (Probably because the 2nd fridge was downstairs where the washer was lol!)

Hang in there...we are here for you. Hugs.
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by alole View Post
It is him! You are too good for him. You don't need him. I mean eventually you will have to get a job but I am sure you can do it! Move on to someone better who doesn't give you drama.
Thanks everyone! Yes I could get a job but we both agreed after my second child was born that I would stay home with them. I gave up my awesome management job to raise my family. I'm active in the schools and their sports activities after school. In my head, I thought I was doing a great job raising my kids, but I guess without the money coming in that he can gamble away, he isn't happy.

My appointment is this morning with an attorney. My little one woke up with a fever and sore throat. For a moment I thought it was a sign that I shouldn't go...that maybe I was doing the wrong thing. But then I realized I need to find out my options so my mom is coming to watch him. This sucks, but I know it is something I need to do for my sanity....!
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
My appointment is this morning with an attorney. My little one woke up with a fever and sore throat. For a moment I thought it was a sign that I shouldn't go...that maybe I was doing the wrong thing. But then I realized I need to find out my options so my mom is coming to watch him. This sucks, but I know it is something I need to do for my sanity....!
Good for you! Trust me when I tell you that your little one's fever and sore throat are signs of nothing more than a cold going around. You do need to figure out your options. Hang tough!
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Old 11-12-2012, 07:18 AM
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Huge huge hugs to you, Calligirl! He is quacking and I'd expect a whole heck of a lot more of it as time moves on. Please make sure you are getting emotional support from friends, relatives, counseling, Al Anon, etc so that you have somewhere to turn when things get tough.

If you've followed any of my story, you know that I'm a stay at home homeschooling mom and haven't worked in 14 years. I am meeting with a friend this week to find out about working for him starting in the spring part time when one of his employees is going back to school. I, too, am planning on meeting with a lawyer to find out how to protect myself from here on out.

My AH took too much out of our checking account these past few weeks where I had insufficient funds charges for the first time in 12 years! He's losing it, and it's time for me to get it together. Same thing for you. We're here for you, I hope you keep coming back and let us know how it goes with the lawyer. Oh, praying your little one has just a cold. There's some nasty bug going around out here in AZ.
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Old 11-12-2012, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
He said he didn't care..to go ahead and divorce him..he would never shed a tear over me. Actually life would be better without listening to me bitch all the time. Then he told me to get a job. I am a stay-at-home mom who does EVERYTHING for my kids. Is he really this selfish and cold? Is it me?
Don't take any of that personally. I know that seems odd but it's true. His words - are a defensive mechanism to protect him from feeling hurt. It's his denial - "I won't shed a tear and then it won't hurt." It's the disease of alcoholism. It's not you.


Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I'm sitting here crying and upset, wondering why he doesn't love me while he is downstairs sleeping and not caring at all about me....I can't deal with this anymore..I really can't. Pretty soon I am going to have to commit myself because I am going nuts here...
Yup. I went through the same thing. My XAH was the master of the Silent Treatment and going on with life as if all was peachy and grand. It drove me to the damn nuthouse. It was emotional abuse and as soon as I recognized it for what it was - I was able to detach from it. It wasn't easy - but one step at a time got me to where I'm at today.


When I find myself saying, "I can't do this anymore! I can't go on like this!"... it's a message to myself that I need to take a "time-out." I need to figure out what is going on that has me so stressed out and then I need to identify what I can change/what I can't... and figure out a game plan.

Take a deep breath - you WILL get through this.
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Old 11-12-2012, 07:50 AM
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Hope all goes well. Keep us posted.
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Old 11-12-2012, 07:57 AM
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"Why am I the one feeling sorry and sad??"

Because you are the one capable of feeling things that are painful. That is not a bad thing. You just can't count on an addict to have normal feelings. Their whole existence is designed to numb and push back feelings that hurt. Instead of going through them and dealing with them as healthy people do, they repress them and try to cover them up, hoping they will go away. Which they won't. It's a mighty struggle, but it IS one they can choose to end.

Hugs to you caligirl, you are carrying some major burdens on your shoulders these days. I hope your meeting goes well and fortifies your resolve to have a better life. Rooting for you!
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Old 11-12-2012, 09:15 AM
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Good morning caligirl71,

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you have to go through this. The week leading up to me leaving my XABF, he ignored me everyday as well. We lived together and I would come home and go straight to my room as he played video games and ignored me completely. He even slept on the couch to avoid me. I, too, also felt like he didn't love me. I kept asking myself, what did I do to deserve this? I just wanted to matter. I just wanted to know that he cared, but he couldn't and didn't during that time. It's frustrating because in the past, whenever I finally did leave him, that's when he would run back and say he realized he messed up, he took me for granted, etc. He promised he would never ignore me like that again and whenever he does, he says, it's getting better, it's less days that I'm ignoring you now...

I like what SparkleKitty said "Their whole existence is designed to numb and push back feelings that hurt. Instead of going through them and dealing with them as healthy people do, they repress them and try to cover them up, hoping they will go away." My ex did nothing but have excuses for why he wasn't accomplishing his goals, he had reasons for everything he did, for every drink he took, recently I heard he was saying that I MADE him drink...It just blew my mind how he will do anything to avoid the truth. The addiction has to maintain itself somehow and it's a vicious cycle. The addiction maintains itself through people like us too, the enablers. It crawls into us and tears our lives apart as much as it tears the alcoholic's life apart.

Please take care of yourself and keep reading, sharing, and becoming educated. SR is a great place to start, so is AA and Al-Anon to get a better understanding of this disease.
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Old 11-12-2012, 09:40 AM
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Caligirl,

I wish my (R)AH would say that. I tried to leave Saturday and all I got was the Jekyll/Hyde treatment. One moment he was begging me to stay, they next he was accusing me of betraying him. I still plan on leaving, but I'll have to find another way to do it as he was physically trying to hug/hold me while I was trying to pack. I kept telling him that this was going to happen one way or the other. For now, I'm in the guest room, so at least I can have my own quiet time.
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Old 11-12-2012, 09:41 AM
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Big hugs to you.

You are amazing. You are too good for his insanity.

I've been where you are. I am a stay at home mom to three children. He is the breadwinner around here and he is usually drunk. I kicked him out. He acts like he doesn't care. In his own reality, nothing is his fault, especially not the downfall of our marriage. He now says that his life has never been better than since 'he left' and that's fine, because I will get through this, and so will you.....one day at a time.

A lawyer will give you lots of information and you can go from there.

Stay strong.....sending you happy thoughts.
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:03 PM
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"Why am I the one feeling sorry and sad?"

Because he doesn't feel. That's the purpose of alcohol, he doesn't want to feel, he's not going to feel.

I'm sorry for your predicament. The hardest stories are the ones the stay at home mothers. They are so stuck. I was stuck like that once with three little ones and no job. It's so hard to get out. I knew if I'd won the lottery I'd have been out of there in an instant, but I was stuck trying to make it work because i was stuck.

Please see a lawyer and know your options. And remember he works hard at not feeling. So don't expect feeling from him.

Many hugs.
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:05 PM
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Callgirl good luck and I hope you find the courage to do what is right for you and you children. It's always easier said than done. I have tried. Big hugs.
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
Thanks everyone! Yes I could get a job but we both agreed after my second child was born that I would stay home with them. I gave up my awesome management job to raise my family. I'm active in the schools and their sports activities after school. In my head, I thought I was doing a great job raising my kids, but I guess without the money coming in that he can gamble away, he isn't happy.

My appointment is this morning with an attorney. My little one woke up with a fever and sore throat. For a moment I thought it was a sign that I shouldn't go...that maybe I was doing the wrong thing. But then I realized I need to find out my options so my mom is coming to watch him. This sucks, but I know it is something I need to do for my sanity....!
Good, I hope it works out I too would love to one day be a stay at home mom so I understand, I didn't say that to agree with your husband, but to encourage you that you can move on without him!
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:45 PM
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When my marriage split up my 2 kids and I moved into a flat. I had been a stay at home Mum up until then. I went on a benefit until I found work & 7 months after the split I was back on my feet again.
You can do it.
Sending hugs.
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Old 11-12-2012, 01:17 PM
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Sounds very normal to me. When I walked away from my A after 4 years. I told him I couldnt do it anymore. He said "It is what it is.....so be it"

He had a new girl the next day.

Terrible feeling knowing that you give everything you got to someone and it just doesnt matter.

Its not you though. Its a defense mechanism and the alcohol. You will be better in the long run.

Sorry for your tears and pain. Hang in there.


I agree with all the other responses. Do not take it personally. He is uncapable of feeling. You are the normal one!!!!!! That is why it hurst so bad!!!!!
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