For those who have Children.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
For those who have Children.....
And are seperated/divorced...Do your A's see / actively take responsibility for their children?
We have been seperated for almost a year now and he has never spent more than 30 minutes with our 2 boys at the same time.
He's spent longer with our older son ....but not with the youngest.
He has a 2 bed apartment and has NEVER had them overnight and rarely brings them over to his place.
Recently he has started calling over here in the evening ( since the tv's here turned digital and he has not bought a digital one- cannot afford it - boo hoo!) after 7pm and hardly talks to the boys sits on the couch,watching tv and then goes after about 20 mins.
Yesterday he text me to ask was it ok to call up - I was just about to reply to him "NO" when the doorbell went - it was him.
So I asked why he didn't wait for my reply...and he said he was on his way over when he sent it .....WTF!!!
So I said what is the point you even being here...you don't engage with the kids and the main reason you call is to watch tv cause yours doesn't work.
He then gave me the finger and walked out....LOVELY !!
Who wouldn't want that great guy to be their Dad - huh????!!!!!
GIVE ME STRENGTH
We have been seperated for almost a year now and he has never spent more than 30 minutes with our 2 boys at the same time.
He's spent longer with our older son ....but not with the youngest.
He has a 2 bed apartment and has NEVER had them overnight and rarely brings them over to his place.
Recently he has started calling over here in the evening ( since the tv's here turned digital and he has not bought a digital one- cannot afford it - boo hoo!) after 7pm and hardly talks to the boys sits on the couch,watching tv and then goes after about 20 mins.
Yesterday he text me to ask was it ok to call up - I was just about to reply to him "NO" when the doorbell went - it was him.
So I asked why he didn't wait for my reply...and he said he was on his way over when he sent it .....WTF!!!
So I said what is the point you even being here...you don't engage with the kids and the main reason you call is to watch tv cause yours doesn't work.
He then gave me the finger and walked out....LOVELY !!
Who wouldn't want that great guy to be their Dad - huh????!!!!!
GIVE ME STRENGTH
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
When we were separated & he was actively drinking, no, he took no real responsibility at all.
At first he would take her overnight when I pushed the issue but then it morphed into him just dropping by daily to see her before bedtime. So he was great at being around for the fun or showing up for big events but never anything that related to the work involved. (Or even anything where he just made time for her specifically.)
At first he would take her overnight when I pushed the issue but then it morphed into him just dropping by daily to see her before bedtime. So he was great at being around for the fun or showing up for big events but never anything that related to the work involved. (Or even anything where he just made time for her specifically.)
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
My STBXAH works away from our home town. Depending on his schedule, he is home around once a month for four days. He has been gone for two months and seen the children twice. Once he had all three overnight with his mom and grandma to help him...(turns out he doesn't really know how to do the parent thing.) He took our daughter who is allergic to cats to a home with cats. (And then wondered why she kept coughing, so he gave her the benadryl that I had sent with her and then cough medicine too....you know, just in case, it was a regular cough..!!! WTF)
When he had the children the other time, he actually took them hunting. He left the baby in the truck and took off into the field with the other two! He is a real class act.
He actively takes no responsibility as a parent. He has missed each of their birthdays the past year. (Even when he had time off) He can't be bothered to make his allotted phone call times. He texts them a few times a week, but when they ask him a question, he doesn't write back. He's a real winner....(eyeroll)
He is constantly complaining about me not allowing him to see them, but never requests time to see them and isn't even near by. I usually pack the children enough clothes, etc. But I only pack the baby 10 or so diapers (which depending on how long he sees them, is sometimes enough.) and one bottle of milk. He complains that he shouldn't have to buy milk and diapers for the baby as that is "not his department."
He NEVER works on any school work with them and seldomly even does what they would like to do. Yes, I'm sure my two daughters (4 and 7) really wanted to go hunting.
I just chalk it up to him being a complete loser.
When he had the children the other time, he actually took them hunting. He left the baby in the truck and took off into the field with the other two! He is a real class act.
He actively takes no responsibility as a parent. He has missed each of their birthdays the past year. (Even when he had time off) He can't be bothered to make his allotted phone call times. He texts them a few times a week, but when they ask him a question, he doesn't write back. He's a real winner....(eyeroll)
He is constantly complaining about me not allowing him to see them, but never requests time to see them and isn't even near by. I usually pack the children enough clothes, etc. But I only pack the baby 10 or so diapers (which depending on how long he sees them, is sometimes enough.) and one bottle of milk. He complains that he shouldn't have to buy milk and diapers for the baby as that is "not his department."
He NEVER works on any school work with them and seldomly even does what they would like to do. Yes, I'm sure my two daughters (4 and 7) really wanted to go hunting.
I just chalk it up to him being a complete loser.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
I am currently separated (but not legally.) My AH is 24 days sober. He continues to pay the bills. He came to soccer games but he was busy putting on a show at them. Talking like a coach (he hasn't coached in 5 or more years) and making chit chat with the other parents. He probably says 2 sentences to the kids. I'm sure it's hard for him, my kids are kinda done with him and would rather play at the playground than be with him and I stopped encouraging them or smoothing over the situation. Regardless, he sees the kids at best 2x a week for maybe an hour and the visits tend to go badly.
So in answer to your question - my AH feels that paying the bills is his "active responsibility" for our kids. He told me today that our kids have a great life.
So in answer to your question - my AH feels that paying the bills is his "active responsibility" for our kids. He told me today that our kids have a great life.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Milly39 
And are seperated/divorced...Do your A's see / actively take responsibility for their children?
You will experience less frustration if you begin to expect him to be exactly who he is.
Also - you don't have to let him in the house. You can say "no" and you would not be selfish or any of the other mean things he'll say. He can take the kids for a walk or play in the yard etc.
I know it is not easy. My ex moved far away and while that has some downsides, it has some upsides as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
I agree thumper - and to be honest I don't expect anything from him now. He doesnt even give financial help for the boys.
Rewind to this time last year and all this would have sent me in a tailspin - now I am the master of my own ship - I do not need or depend on him for anything...yeah, a few xtra euros would be nice every week, but hey...I have my sanity and that is priceless
Rewind to this time last year and all this would have sent me in a tailspin - now I am the master of my own ship - I do not need or depend on him for anything...yeah, a few xtra euros would be nice every week, but hey...I have my sanity and that is priceless
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Priceless indeed. It took a little bit of time but based on my experience - you are past the most difficult parts of this process and things will continue to get better. You have already exprienced what a little recovery can do!
I hope you have a pleasant rest of the week.
I hope you have a pleasant rest of the week.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
No.
Mine's been gone for almost 8 weeks. He lives in the next suburb. He is often in our suburb to visit his very close friends at his favourite bar. He will often take the bus home from work via our suburb and drop into his favourite local bar to spend time with his really close friends.
He's seen the kids twice. Paid not a cent in child support. He doesn't give a fat rat's clacker about anything or anyone other than himself and his alcohol and his drugs.
Mine's been gone for almost 8 weeks. He lives in the next suburb. He is often in our suburb to visit his very close friends at his favourite bar. He will often take the bus home from work via our suburb and drop into his favourite local bar to spend time with his really close friends.
He's seen the kids twice. Paid not a cent in child support. He doesn't give a fat rat's clacker about anything or anyone other than himself and his alcohol and his drugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
My ex has been gone since June. He just saw the babies this past Sunday when he came here with his sister to get his things; the last time they saw him was mid July. I do have a pfa, but allowed it since I am sick of his things being here and if he had tried anything, I would've called the cops. When he came in, they had no idea who he was. They are 2 years old.
Anyway, he put on a big show, with tears, etc. However, he spent more time checking out his stereo, and wanting to know where things were than he did on his kids.
He likes to use them for sympathy, I think. He gets to call them, and he could skype them, but when it comes down to actually doing that, his sister says that whenever he's able to get online, he spends all his time downloading games to play.
He pays no child support and has applied for disability b/c apparently his blood pressure is through the roof and they can't get it under control. Who knows when I'll get anything from him, or if I ever will. He has no job, so no money.
I look at it this way, at least I don't have to worry about my babies being with him b/c they are with me all the time. I don't worry about their relationship with their dad.
Anyway, he put on a big show, with tears, etc. However, he spent more time checking out his stereo, and wanting to know where things were than he did on his kids.
He likes to use them for sympathy, I think. He gets to call them, and he could skype them, but when it comes down to actually doing that, his sister says that whenever he's able to get online, he spends all his time downloading games to play.
He pays no child support and has applied for disability b/c apparently his blood pressure is through the roof and they can't get it under control. Who knows when I'll get anything from him, or if I ever will. He has no job, so no money.
I look at it this way, at least I don't have to worry about my babies being with him b/c they are with me all the time. I don't worry about their relationship with their dad.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Thumper, I checked in with social security, they said if he gets SSDI (I think, they can take money off him) but not SSI.
I don't know, I'm not worrying about it right now. Thankfully, I can take care of things w/o him (not that he was ever much help while here). It's tight, but we're managing.
Still glad he's gone!!
I don't know, I'm not worrying about it right now. Thankfully, I can take care of things w/o him (not that he was ever much help while here). It's tight, but we're managing.
Still glad he's gone!!
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