TakingCharge999

Sorry, I keep asking off topic stuff here-
Or maybe not so off topic as this related to codependency.

So today my 7 male coworkers (we share a small area) kept making inappropriate comments / jokes. None were done directly to me but to women in general. For instance, one was saying he found porn in a VIP's laptop and that he could not understand how "someone like him, who could get the real thing, especially with the money he had, would look for porn"

I would automatically go to HR but I already met the HR head here. In a meeting with me and the rest of the team, she dared to say "it is more complicated to work with women than with men". I had to answer to that as I found it to be VERY offensive, I did it calmly though.

I feel inclined to 'escalate' today's comments so someone with authority puts these disrespectful coworkers in their place.

On the other hand, I once again am the ONLY woman in the floor (just a handful of us in the office), surrounded by males and they can make my life impossible, if they really wanted.

BTW, my manager overseas (Indian residing in US) is known to discriminate against women, in fact he had many issues with my contract and they almost revoke it due to him.


I am in Mexico, where disrespect and violence against women is very common. In fact I think we are no.1 in domestic violence.

Is it smarter to shut up, bring earplugs and ignore them knowing I am not going to educate any grown up?

Or shall I go for it and report this to anyone who will listen?

I know I got everything against me. I feel this is a temporary job (1 or 2 years) and hopefully I can learn what I can technically and then move on to a better place.


I wonder why it is SO difficult to respect a woman.

TakingCharge999

In moments like these I miss my dad and wish he could give me any advice. Being the codie that he is I think he would advice to shut up, not to 'make waves' and make sure I keep my job so I can pay my bills...

My mom would advice the same, I mean, its part of the culture, and yes respect is still too much to ask... (we are centuries away from US in terms of human rights/equality)

cangel2

Honestly my take would be take charge of what you have control over - which in this case might just be finding another company to work for. Sounds like the environment isn't healthy for you and no amount of reporting or asking for it to change is likely to help.

If you do feel like you need to report the actions the best approach is to be very factual and then be very ready to tell them what you want from them. A complaint without a specific request is generally not taken seriously in my experience.

Sorry you are going through this......it's really tough to be uncomfortable where you spend most of your time! Earplugs might be a good temporary remedy!!

LaTeeDa

TC, I think there is a lot of gray between the black and white here. It does not have to be "report it to authorities" vs. "ignore and shut up." Is it possible to talk to the person who made the comments privately? Sometimes men, especially younger men, say things without even having a clue it is offensive. Would it be possible to speak one on one with said person and politely ask that certain topics not be discussed in your presence?

Is it possible that your concern for the lack of respect for women in your country is coloring your response to this specific situation?

I do not know the answers to any of these questions and don't expect you to answer them for my sake. These are just some things you may want to ask yourself.

L

TakingCharge999

Thanks SR friends

LaTeeDa the main offender is around 50 years old! and married with kids...
cangel2 I have been in this job for 1 month...

LaTeeDa

Well, that does put a different spin on things.....

Do you think reporting him would change things for the better?

L

TakingCharge999

Knowing me I feel I might be overreacting.

Then I go "there you go tc999, shutting up when something bothers you like the doormat you are"

Then I feel I can ACT as if I am not bothered, not take anything personal and move on with my day knowing this is how it is and that I am not going to change anything.

Talking to one of these individuals makes me suspect he will share my thoughts with the others in a sneaky, ironic way and then I would be 'fueling the fire'. This is how they are like ('buddies').

TakingCharge999

I do not know if reporting them would change anything, but I would feel better...
Talk about walking on eggshells....... ugh.

Time to leave work today, at least.

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I don't think shutting up when something bothers you automatically makes you a doormat. I know that many times I have opened up my mouth about something, feeling justified in expressing my anger, only to have it bite me later. Sometimes, the wise thing is to just observe and then act in your own best interests. I have always found office politics to be a mine field and don't envy your situation at all.

L

TakingCharge999

Thanks LTD... you are always 'out there' for me.. its true, its not so black and white.

It is a minefield indeed...

Anyway, I am going to ask about some boxing lessons at a gym I saw from afar the other day... that is a small thing that will make me feel better... too bad I can't use the "jabs" with whom I would like to practice.

Learn2Live

Office people have always bothered me, especially the loud ones. I've learned that my super-sensitivity is my problem, not their's. So, I do what I have to do to not hear them, but it is safe for me to do so (I don't work on machines or anything).

My question is, if you report them, is there law in Mexico that will protect you if it escalates to something ugly? Does your company have affirmative action policies against sexual harrassment int he workplace? If not, I would do what I need to not hear them. You could start by asking kindly if they would refrain from speaking of such sexually explicit topics, as it is likely to "make you faint." If you get a negative response, just bow out gracefully and stick the earplugs in your ears.

And this is not off topic. This is about boundaries. Good practice. Remember, you are responsible for your boundaries and you can't change ANY ONE, no matter how Right you are.

Tuffgirl

Here's what I heard recently, and it may be a good measure for you in this scenario.

Imagine being 20 years older and looking back on this situation. What would you want to remember about it?

keepingmyjoy1

Hey there tc...I have worked in offices for many many years. I can only say that it has worked for me to fight the fights that I can win/change. In this situation it seems you have not only the good ole boys club mentality against you, but you also have an entire culture that is not "pro-women" too.

What I would do in this situation is to make a list of the good that would come of reporting it etc for me. Then I would make a list of the bad consequences that could happen for me. Then I would decide if I can live with the consequences of either one.

Not sure that is much help but I feel for you. Tough spot to be in. Hugs.

TakingCharge999

Thanks SR friends for all your input.

I am glad I remembered not to act while I feel angry or desperate and wrote here instead. Not acting while stressed is a GREAT tool to have..

I brought earplugs today. And will use the 'square breathing' technique if needed.
Yesterday one of them mentioned "hey, there is a lady here listening" (although he was also making these 'jokes') and another replied "well, she understands! boys will be boys"

More like idiots will be idiots.

RANT over...

(The irony? we work for an organization that among other things, works towards gender equality in the workplace in Latin America)

Learn2Live

That was your opportunity to ask them to refrain from that language. Maybe you could ask this guy if he would help you get them to tone it down.

TakingCharge999

Thanks L2L,

I did not say anything but I bought a set of earplugs and a noise canceling headset. That and focusing more on what I am doing - I don't listen or I don't understand their whole sentences and can move on with my day. Their comments are not directed at ME, personally, at least....

Knowing them a bit more now / I will never "get them" to behave professionally, although yesterday that I was with my headphones they kind of noticed it and stayed quiet. Or at least more quiet than normal.

I am not their mom or Miss Manners so gladly I am letting this go more easily now. Also a few of them will be leaving to another site for some months. I hope they stay abroad and never come back.

Rumor has it that my manager has had so many issues with everyone that he is also going back to India and his superiors won't give him back the role he has now.

Whatever happens to them I decided to keep my peace or at least remember that its just a job and these are not MY friends.

Thanks all for the support!!

TakingCharge999

Double post ! sorry