AboutToLeave

So, that's what I'm left with.

Living with 50 yo woman with a history of 3 divorces, last one 5 years ago. Met her shortly after my own divorce. We've been together for 2.5 years now.

We both drank alot while going out. We both love to go out and see live music and so that has been what we've done together as a couple for most of our relationship. Twice in the past I've mentioned that we need to slow down, settle down. She has an obsession with bands and places much value on "being known" by the band. So, alot of our friends are band members. So, much of our activities as a couple surrounds bars and live music.

We've both had bad things happen due to alcohol during this time, by both of us. I've decided that it is a big problem, due to these "things" happening. I'm trying for the third time to get her to quit drinking when we go out. I don't have a problem going out, I just don't want to drink anymore, and I don't want her to drink anymore.

When she goes out, even if we have talked about just having a "few drinks", 2 drinks turn into 4, 4 into 8, and so on and so forth. This pattern of behavior has occurred over and over and over. We both have not gone out and drank for about 6 weeks. She is not happy.

I feel she places so much value on going out and doesn't see the problem with binge drinking every time we go out. There have been a some times where she actually only has a few drinks. But, when her friends are in the picture, or she's in a certain mood, it becomes a drunk fest. She is slurred speech, falling over, acting inappropriately, and I am the one who has to deal with her and take her home. This is the pattern which I am trying to break, not only in myself, but in her.

So, I told her a week ago, if she can't stop drinking, that we are done. After some days of silence, we talked again. She told me she looked online and that she was not an alcoholic. That she doesn't drink at home and she isn't guzzling bottles of alcohol or dozens of beer at home, so, no, she is not an alcoholic and does not feel she has a problem.

I feel I have no choice but to say goodbye to her or sacrifice my own life and health, just for a good time (with alcohol). From what I've read, it was wrong of me to tell her she was an alcoholic as she is the only one who can determine if she is or not. But, I'm so desperate, because SOMETHING bad is going to happen to her, or to me, if this behavior does not stop.

I don't want to end a 2.5 year relationship, but I also don't want to ruin my life as well. What do you guys suggest? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

This probably sounds familiar I'm sure.

Thank you.

suki44883

Whether she is technically an alcoholic or not, it is obvious that her drinking is a problem for you. You have a decision to make. However, whatever decision you make should be for your own benefit and not just hoping to scare her into quitting drinking. That won't happen until she wants it, and wants it badly enough to do whatever is necessary to get it.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Take some time to read around the forum and don't miss the stickie posts at the top of this forum. Lots of good information there.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took some time for me to accept that concept. I was certain I could change him with my love, my words, my anger, my way......

I learned a lot about alcoholism here and by attending Alanon meetings. At the top of the forum pages, there are permanent posts called Stickies. The stickies contain some of our stories, and loads of wisdom!

Here is one of my favorite stickies. I followed these steps while living with active alcoholism in my home.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Justfor1

It sounds as is she is in the beginning stages of alcoholism. The guzzling of & sneaking drinks are more in the middle and late stage alcoholism.

AboutToLeave

So, after a week, and little said from her, I gave her the ultimatum. Quit drinking or move out. This did not go over well.

I made the initial mistake of calling her an alcoholic in a heated argument a week ago. Today, now she says we are done because she will not be with a guy who called her an alcoholic or be with a guy who tells her what she can or cannot do.

On top of that, now she's telling me the alcohol is not even important to her, that she goes out to enjoy herself, not to drink and get drunk. Although, before giving the ultimatum, I told her how much I love her and care for her, and I apologized and expressed my sincere regret for saying that in the heat of the moment.

A week ago I told her I don't mind going out, I just don't enjoy watching her get wasted and that it needed to stop. She took that as I never wanted to go out again and is now saying I'm lying about not having a problem with going out, which is not the case, the excessive alcohol consumption is the big problem.

She's now telling me that she is going to change, but not with me. She doesn't think she has a problem because alcohol and drinking is not important to her, that's what she's saying now.

So, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. That reminds me of a quote: "The most tragic events in life are: not getting what you want, and getting it."

So, it looks like I've got a few positive possibilities ahead of me. 1) I won't have to deal with a drunk girlfriend anymore and can concentrate on my own positive life changes. 2) My now ex-girlfriend might see the gravity of her behaviors and make a life change herself, which is a good thing for any human being.

I had hoped that we might make the change together, but it looks like I've figured it out before her and maybe that is what is causing all the turmoil and her reaction to it all. All I know is I must walk away if she is not going to make a positive change.

Does this outcome sound like a good thing for me, for her, for us both? I'm sure time will tell. All I know is I do not want alcohol to affect my life in any way anymore!

Tuffgirl

You've just been gaslighted by an alcoholic. Yes, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't - its all part of the game of deflection away from the real problem, her drinking. Alcoholism protects its perimeters. I found it best to stop talking and start doing.

JeffKan1

Hey there, I am recent newbie on here with SR, so welcome! Your story hits close to home, because I'm in the same situation as you are. Just a bit farther along. She just left today. Most of her stuff is still here, but her plans are to come and get it next week. We'll see.

I feel your pain brothuh... the things that she says really don't make much sense in the grand scheme of things. That is an alcoholic. Unfortunately, my two cents is that movies and TV have conditioned us to believe that an alcoholic must drink every day, must drink their weight in alcohol, must be stumbling and bumbling and passed out and black out nightly. Wrong. I saw in another post, you mentioned that she said she researched online and has decided that she's not an alcoholic. Well of course she's going to say that. Her friends will say that. Her coworkers will say that. Some or all of her family will say that.

Your g/f and my g/f are alcoholics. They don't drink that often. There are times when they do drink, that they don't drink much, or their behavior is fine. But all it takes really, is just ONE time when their behavior is unacceptable when drinking. This is a red flag, one must see this and draw up boundaries and let that person know you will not accept unacceptable behavior.

It's so difficult, because you love the person, and you want to help them and you feel like you are abandoning them if you say "see ya". I got it done though. Hurts like hell. Will for a long time. Overall, even this soon after she's left, I know it's in my best interest.

I did the same thing that you did, I told her that she needs to admit she has a drinking problem, or move out. You did that, kudos to you. Be strong, hang in there, work on yourself. Go to an Al-Anon meeting where you live. Go to six of them before you decide if it's helpful or not.

When your g/f said that she's going to change, but without you, she's trying to engage you with anger and being mean. Mine did the same sort of thing. I'm hoping you can bite your tongue and not "go for the bait", don't get involved in the argument. And again, I know this isn't easy for you. Our ages are very similar, so I'm here for you.

Yes, that proverb, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. :o) But you know if her behavior is not acceptable, and if that's a lifestyle you are done with.

Sounds like you know deep down that you cannot change her. She has to want the change. An interesting quandry: she says she will change, yet she says she doesn't have a problem with alcohol. Why is she changing if there's no problem?

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Keep us posted on how things go.

JeffKan1

Well said. It's so easy to keep talking, defend yourself, try to reason with them. That way lay madness. The Tasmanian Devil Syndrome. So your best bet is to stop talking and start doing. Do things for yourself.

AboutToLeave

Gaslighting......wow. Never occurred to me. This has been so emotionally taxing, I can barely keep my thoughts together.

Thx Jeffkan......I appreciate your reply. She's even asked her friends in the past if they thought she had a drinking problem. Of course they say no, they're her drinking buddies. Even her family says no, but they each have their own challenges with alcohol. I tried to tell her that she has an opportunity to be a role model to her kids, neices, nephews, etc, which is a very important thing. She said that's their problem.

Out at bars she gets so drunk she can't remember that she just had a shot and is ordering another, and another, and another.....even hammered, it doesn't stop. At parties, she starts off casual, then she's drunk mixing her own drinks even if she has slurred speech, stumbling, and does not "need" another drink.

I'm so embarrassed that I put up with it this long, but loving and caring for someone has interesting tolerances. I can't do it any more.

JeffKan1

Atta boy.

ZiggyB

Hi,
From my own experience it doesn't really matter whether he/she is officially an alcoholic or not - it's just do you want to put up with the behavior? I had a guy who knew every bartender in town, who would go out on drinking binges, drink alone by himself, drink excessively when he would go out with friends, stand me up or be late because he was always drunk... he denied he had a problem but what difference does it make? When I was with him he would drink a lot and if I asked him to stop he would tell me to "shut up about it."

Are YOU happy or not? That's the only thing you need to ask yourself....

AboutToLeave

Thx everybody for your words of insight. She moves out today. I know it's the right thing for me, but it's not easy. 2 1/2 years with someone over all because of alcohol. How one person sees the gravity of the situation, and the other thinks it's a joke, just mystifies me. How each person seems to be standing up for something, but whose plights sit at opposite ends of the spectrum.

I don't get it.

MamaKit

Hang in there and keep posting here. We care about you and we get it.
Hugs,
MamaKit

Grace2

HI. I'm in work so don't have time to write much. Just quickly read your post and it does seem to me that you both have a problem with alcohol, but the problem is you realise it and want to do something about it, whereas she is happy to play ostriches and bury her head in the sand. She sounds very immature from what you're saying.

2.5 yrs is not a long time in the grand scale of things really and although it's hurtful and upsetting, maybe you need to concentrate on you right now and get yourself well. You can't make someone stop drinking, just as you can't make someone love you. It has to be something she really wants to do herself.

I wish you the very best and I hope you will stick with us here at S.R, you'll meet lots of wonderful people and got tons of support.

GettingBy

Nope... and neither did I. My exhusband was willing to walk away from EVERYTHING all to prove me wrong - to prove he DIDN'T have a problem with alcohol! How freakin' insane. Lost his home, his wife, his family... everything... just so he could go out to the bars and party with his friends.


I'm willing to bet all my life savings that drinking played a pretty significant role in your girlfriend's 3 divorces... just sayin. Cuz I'm guessing this behavior started LONG before you... and will likely continue LONG after you.


It hurts right now and probably will for a few more months - but it WILL get better, I promise. Going to Al-anon or reading some Melody Beattie books will help heal the pain.

Pelican

I'm sorry you are hurting.

It is painful to end a relationship. I feel a deep sense of loss, as if someone has died. In a way, there is a death ~ a death of what could have been.

I learned that I can feel the same emotions without actual death. The feelings of grief during times of loss are real. They are feelings that can be faced, walked through and survived.

Melody Beattie devoted a chapter of her book "codependent No More" to the stages of grief. I found it helpful to understand the different stages as I walked through them.

There is a lot of info available on the internet about the stages of grief, too.

Wishing you a peaceful journey!