Are/were we frozen or something?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Are/were we frozen or something?
I went out earlier on to buy some stuff, bread etc, and on my way home started thinking about why I felt so awful considering the things that my AH has done to me. Today,I find myself all of a sudden going back to something that happened such a long time ago. It happened when my son was 2 years old and he's just over 20 years old now so we're talking 18 years ago, my AH punched me several times in the face and when I couldn't see properly he screamed at me that he hoped I was blind. Now, I am having a panic attack, weepy, and just really shocked like it happened recently. After that happened he never even apologized, was just angry what people would think of him. I am so confused how can I have stayed with this monster, how could I even still love let alone like this person? what is wrong with me and why am i dredging all this up now? I don't know what the ache in my chest even is, I can't even name the feeling.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canton, MI
Posts: 13
Dear cr995,
In my honest opinion, you are dredging it up now because it's not resolved. Yes, likely that ache in your chest is probably anxiety (however, if it continues, please seek help).
My ex-husband once took a bottle of pills dumped them in my hand and said he didn't care if I lived or died. I have no idea how I swallowed them, but I did - all of them...of course, called my sister in Canada to come get me and take me to the hospital right after that...but wow...
To be punched in the face over and over is screaming to me that this guy needs to be behind bars, although likely it's too late for that. I can probably assume his abuse (while maybe not that extreme) hasn't stopped in the last 20 years, unless he's found God or some radical change in thought process.
Breathe through your feelings. You were very wrongly done by him. It's okay to feel emotions that perhaps you've stored all this time. Feel them. Allow yourself to work THRU them this time, and not to stuff them.
Surround yourself with love and support - and don't go it alone. Pray. Forgive, if you can (this is for YOUR SAKE, not his)...but then once all the emotional stuff is over (I recommend a therapist), think business...what are you going to do? What do you want? etc.
There is no hell worse than a bad marriage...but we married them, so it's up to us to decide "now what"...
Praying for you sister!
In my honest opinion, you are dredging it up now because it's not resolved. Yes, likely that ache in your chest is probably anxiety (however, if it continues, please seek help).
My ex-husband once took a bottle of pills dumped them in my hand and said he didn't care if I lived or died. I have no idea how I swallowed them, but I did - all of them...of course, called my sister in Canada to come get me and take me to the hospital right after that...but wow...
To be punched in the face over and over is screaming to me that this guy needs to be behind bars, although likely it's too late for that. I can probably assume his abuse (while maybe not that extreme) hasn't stopped in the last 20 years, unless he's found God or some radical change in thought process.
Breathe through your feelings. You were very wrongly done by him. It's okay to feel emotions that perhaps you've stored all this time. Feel them. Allow yourself to work THRU them this time, and not to stuff them.
Surround yourself with love and support - and don't go it alone. Pray. Forgive, if you can (this is for YOUR SAKE, not his)...but then once all the emotional stuff is over (I recommend a therapist), think business...what are you going to do? What do you want? etc.
There is no hell worse than a bad marriage...but we married them, so it's up to us to decide "now what"...
Praying for you sister!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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cr995, I concur with everything that has already been posted. If the panic attacks continue---please go to a doctor immediately. This--in some ways, has the ring of PSTD. I am not saying that it IS.....but I think it is serious to seek professional evaluation.
Most likely, you stuffed the feelings at the time of occurance. There are several good websites on the internet on victims of domestic violence, which discuss the dynamics. Perhaps you would like to peruse them for validation and for an explanation of the underlying dynamics of the victims.
Remember that you are not to blame and you are not alone.
dandylion
Most likely, you stuffed the feelings at the time of occurance. There are several good websites on the internet on victims of domestic violence, which discuss the dynamics. Perhaps you would like to peruse them for validation and for an explanation of the underlying dynamics of the victims.
Remember that you are not to blame and you are not alone.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Honey, what a horrible , awful thing to have in your memory. What a horrible , awful, mean, abusive thing for you to have had happen to you.
Maybe , as stated above it would be a good idea for you to seek some counseling so you can slowly begin to move through the horror of these events. You psyche needs to process all of this, in a gentle and comforting enviornment. Please do this for you.
Please be good to yourself, don't beat yourself of staying , or loving him, honey you did the best you could, maybe now you are getting ready to do something different.
Keep posting, do nice things for yourself, you are stronger than you know.
love to you Katie
Maybe , as stated above it would be a good idea for you to seek some counseling so you can slowly begin to move through the horror of these events. You psyche needs to process all of this, in a gentle and comforting enviornment. Please do this for you.
Please be good to yourself, don't beat yourself of staying , or loving him, honey you did the best you could, maybe now you are getting ready to do something different.
Keep posting, do nice things for yourself, you are stronger than you know.
love to you Katie
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Big bear hugs, CR. I've wondered the same thing. Life w AXH was a nightmare. Looking back now, it's like watching through an old dark, dirty window. I can recognize that I didn't really feel emotions that I would have expected some one else to feel had they experienced what I had. There are times though, when I remember something and it feels like I'm right there, experiencing it. I have been in treatment for PTSD.
NOT feeling the pain, or other emotions, is one of the adaptations I made to be able to survive those years. If I was emotionally numb when I dealt with our relationship, it wouldn't hurt. I didn't begin to feel anything connected to him until I'd been gone for years. And it felt like it was happening right then, the feelings were so strong; overwhelming would be the word. At least one reason for that was because I was SAFE to feel and acknowledge those feelings again. I didn't need to worry about being punished for feeling MY emotions any more.
As much as it doesn't feel like it, having those feelings come out is a good thing. It means I finally feel safe again, or am starting to feel safe at least. Its still kind of weird naming my feelings; for so long how I felt was directly dependent on how he felt. It's gotten easier, though.
Finding a good counsellor, who has experience helping trauma survivors, has been a wonderful, life-saving resource. There's no timeline on healing, just because it's been years, doesn't mean the uncovered feelings wont be intense.
Be gentle with yourself and please recognize just how strong you have been and are for surviving what you've been through.
Wishing you continued strength and peace.
NOT feeling the pain, or other emotions, is one of the adaptations I made to be able to survive those years. If I was emotionally numb when I dealt with our relationship, it wouldn't hurt. I didn't begin to feel anything connected to him until I'd been gone for years. And it felt like it was happening right then, the feelings were so strong; overwhelming would be the word. At least one reason for that was because I was SAFE to feel and acknowledge those feelings again. I didn't need to worry about being punished for feeling MY emotions any more.
As much as it doesn't feel like it, having those feelings come out is a good thing. It means I finally feel safe again, or am starting to feel safe at least. Its still kind of weird naming my feelings; for so long how I felt was directly dependent on how he felt. It's gotten easier, though.
Finding a good counsellor, who has experience helping trauma survivors, has been a wonderful, life-saving resource. There's no timeline on healing, just because it's been years, doesn't mean the uncovered feelings wont be intense.
Be gentle with yourself and please recognize just how strong you have been and are for surviving what you've been through.
Wishing you continued strength and peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Thank you all so much, I still don't understand what is happening - later on in the day I felt like I had an opportunity to forget about it and I grabbed it, I feel like I just don't want to go there, not sure what it all means but its awful when something sneaks up on you with no warning, its a bit like when AH used to blindside me. Not really sure about what will happen if I don't distract myself but for now I don't want it in my head.Maybe later...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
I am so sorry that this was done to you. What everyone has already said makes a lot of sense. I can tell you, I let many things go because I did not want to add to the dysfunction and it still remains in my mind and heart because these issues were not resolved. I just have to take a breath and break myself out of the moment sometimes. You deserve WAY more than this type of horrible treatment. Painful memories are hard but I hope for you they become less hurtful with time.
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