First Al-Anon meeting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
First Al-Anon meeting
So on friday I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. Is it weird to feel uncomfortable? To have this uncontrollable urge to leave because "this isn't for me"?
Well I stayed anyway. I shared, I cried and let it all out. I'm sure it takes a few times to get really into it and I'll probably feel awkward for a while.
But the hell with that, I'm going to keep going...I went tonight too!
Little by little I'm sure I'll start to feel it, even if its by osmosis. It would be great if someone else would share their first Al-Anon experience with me.
Thanks!
Well I stayed anyway. I shared, I cried and let it all out. I'm sure it takes a few times to get really into it and I'll probably feel awkward for a while.
But the hell with that, I'm going to keep going...I went tonight too!
Little by little I'm sure I'll start to feel it, even if its by osmosis. It would be great if someone else would share their first Al-Anon experience with me.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Do you mean the first time I tried to go to a meeting or the first time I went to one? 
The first time I tried, I drove by. I couldn't bring myself to stopping.
I think my group started having a second box of Kleenex just for me.
And yes, I felt like I wanted to run the first time.
For me, it wasn't that I didn't feel like I belonged. It was that I didn't want to belong. It was difficult for me to walk into my first meeting because... it meant that I had acknowledged that my husband was an alcoholic. That I had stopped living in denial. And once you take your head out of the sand, it's hard to stick it back down there.
What made me stay was that nobody in Al-Anon told me what to do. (It was frustrating, because I of course wanted them to tell me how to get my husband sober.) But nobody said "OK, you're here, your husband is an alcoholic, now you have to do x, y, and z"... Nobody forced me to ACT (which I think is what I was afraid of once I realized nobody was going to give me the Secret Code To Making People Quit Drinking).
And with time, I stopped being afraid of belonging and started enjoying it. Still, today, when I go to a meeting, I feel like I'm somewhere where people understand me. Whether I'm furious or crying or just sit there like a bump on a log or come there to vent... people understand. They've all been there. I've learned to laugh at my own silliness, through tears, with those people. I've learned to cry without shame with those people. I've learned so much about grace from those people, especially those who are older, who may be in their 80s, and are still living with actively drinking alcoholics and still have dignity and integrity and their own lives. I've learned so much about fighting for your life. About daring to be yourself. About daring to choose and take responsibility for your choice.
But you didn't want my loveletter to Al-Anon.
You just asked about the first meeting. It wasn't love at first sight, by a long shot. I was one of those people who was convinced it wasn't for me but kept going. Until one day I couldn't imagine a week without a meeting.
I do hope you stick it out and find the strength Al-Anon can give you. You deserve it.
The first time I tried, I drove by. I couldn't bring myself to stopping.
I think my group started having a second box of Kleenex just for me.
And yes, I felt like I wanted to run the first time.
For me, it wasn't that I didn't feel like I belonged. It was that I didn't want to belong. It was difficult for me to walk into my first meeting because... it meant that I had acknowledged that my husband was an alcoholic. That I had stopped living in denial. And once you take your head out of the sand, it's hard to stick it back down there.
What made me stay was that nobody in Al-Anon told me what to do. (It was frustrating, because I of course wanted them to tell me how to get my husband sober.) But nobody said "OK, you're here, your husband is an alcoholic, now you have to do x, y, and z"... Nobody forced me to ACT (which I think is what I was afraid of once I realized nobody was going to give me the Secret Code To Making People Quit Drinking).
And with time, I stopped being afraid of belonging and started enjoying it. Still, today, when I go to a meeting, I feel like I'm somewhere where people understand me. Whether I'm furious or crying or just sit there like a bump on a log or come there to vent... people understand. They've all been there. I've learned to laugh at my own silliness, through tears, with those people. I've learned to cry without shame with those people. I've learned so much about grace from those people, especially those who are older, who may be in their 80s, and are still living with actively drinking alcoholics and still have dignity and integrity and their own lives. I've learned so much about fighting for your life. About daring to be yourself. About daring to choose and take responsibility for your choice.
But you didn't want my loveletter to Al-Anon.
You just asked about the first meeting. It wasn't love at first sight, by a long shot. I was one of those people who was convinced it wasn't for me but kept going. Until one day I couldn't imagine a week without a meeting.I do hope you stick it out and find the strength Al-Anon can give you. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
My first meeting was uncomfortable because my dis-ease was upset that I was in a place for healing and health from it.
My dis-ease had fought me for years to not go and get help....for many reasons.
I immediately felt comfortable and was hooked but it took me five years to get into a meeting.
My dis-ease had fought me for years to not go and get help....for many reasons.
I immediately felt comfortable and was hooked but it took me five years to get into a meeting.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
A long time ago in a planet far, far away:
I park my car. I think to myself: If I get out, I'm going in. Could people I might know from around town be in the meeting? S#$@, why is this thought occurring to me now?! Get a grip. If they're there, they must have dirty laundry too though. I have no clue what to do about or around my A. I need help. I need to walk in.
I feel uncomfortable opening that door and looking at all those women and two men in the room. Ok, there is only one person who I've seen around town and I don't even know her name. Phew.
Why are several of these people laughing? Why is there a box of tissues front and center? When is this meeting going to start? What was all that introduction I missed while thinking about that? I don't want anyone asking me anything now.
Oh no, I'm going to have to say my first name like everybody else is starting to do and say that I'm a newcomer (which they obviously know I am)! Oh well, it's my turn now. Thanks for the welcome, sotto voce.
I feel ashamed but it's also obvious that nobody is embarrassed for me. Did someone just say they've been here for decades? Why do they keep mentioning "This Program?" Is this a cult? How many meetings am I going to have to go to?
Alright, they're reading out of little devotional books now. Are these like make-happy sayings, bits of zen wisdom or dogmatic statements? What happens now that everyone's quiet?
Whoa, they're telling parts of their own stories and how the readings apply to them or how they've used the readings! Ok now, almost everyone's commented and I'm not going to be last with everyone waiting on or looking at me.
I blurt out a bunch of gory details - My A did this and that, went to rehab at X, and here's what's happened since then. Somewhere in there I start crying. DO NOT HAND ME THE TISSUE BOX, I think. I need answers to this, that and the other. Silence. Someone says to me that I can talk to some of the members about my questions after the meeting but that they don't give advice. What's the meeting for then, I ask myself. Just so you know, we don't mention the names of treatment centers in here, one tells me. Ooops, sorry! Must've missed it in the Intro!
More experiences are being shared. Ok, a lot of these people have been through worse so they must get something good out of these meetings. I guess I might as well "keep coming back" like they say.
It's after the meeting and some members are filling me in on a lot of stuff that I need to hear and know. This is more like it. I need to go try another meeting tomorrow then, for this is the closest thing to help that I've been able to get to in years! Thank You!
The rest is exactly what lillamy wrote ...
Al-Anon!
I park my car. I think to myself: If I get out, I'm going in. Could people I might know from around town be in the meeting? S#$@, why is this thought occurring to me now?! Get a grip. If they're there, they must have dirty laundry too though. I have no clue what to do about or around my A. I need help. I need to walk in.
I feel uncomfortable opening that door and looking at all those women and two men in the room. Ok, there is only one person who I've seen around town and I don't even know her name. Phew.
Why are several of these people laughing? Why is there a box of tissues front and center? When is this meeting going to start? What was all that introduction I missed while thinking about that? I don't want anyone asking me anything now.
Oh no, I'm going to have to say my first name like everybody else is starting to do and say that I'm a newcomer (which they obviously know I am)! Oh well, it's my turn now. Thanks for the welcome, sotto voce.
I feel ashamed but it's also obvious that nobody is embarrassed for me. Did someone just say they've been here for decades? Why do they keep mentioning "This Program?" Is this a cult? How many meetings am I going to have to go to?
Alright, they're reading out of little devotional books now. Are these like make-happy sayings, bits of zen wisdom or dogmatic statements? What happens now that everyone's quiet?
Whoa, they're telling parts of their own stories and how the readings apply to them or how they've used the readings! Ok now, almost everyone's commented and I'm not going to be last with everyone waiting on or looking at me.
I blurt out a bunch of gory details - My A did this and that, went to rehab at X, and here's what's happened since then. Somewhere in there I start crying. DO NOT HAND ME THE TISSUE BOX, I think. I need answers to this, that and the other. Silence. Someone says to me that I can talk to some of the members about my questions after the meeting but that they don't give advice. What's the meeting for then, I ask myself. Just so you know, we don't mention the names of treatment centers in here, one tells me. Ooops, sorry! Must've missed it in the Intro!
More experiences are being shared. Ok, a lot of these people have been through worse so they must get something good out of these meetings. I guess I might as well "keep coming back" like they say.
It's after the meeting and some members are filling me in on a lot of stuff that I need to hear and know. This is more like it. I need to go try another meeting tomorrow then, for this is the closest thing to help that I've been able to get to in years! Thank You!
The rest is exactly what lillamy wrote ...
Al-Anon!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 15
I cried and cried at my first meeting - it was the very first time I had ever cried about it. I couldn't even talk properly I was crying so much and I remember thinking to myself wow these ppl probably think I'm sooo crazy lol. I was in denial for years and years and I tried to hold it all in.
My second meeting I cried at all the stories other ppl told that I could relate to and then when it was my turn to talk I just said I would like to listen today because I knew I would be a crying mess! Going to my third one this week and I am looking forward to it - really need to be able to let myself cry - it feels a lot better lol
Everyone was really nice and when I went to the second meeting they were so happy and said welcome back.
My second meeting I cried at all the stories other ppl told that I could relate to and then when it was my turn to talk I just said I would like to listen today because I knew I would be a crying mess! Going to my third one this week and I am looking forward to it - really need to be able to let myself cry - it feels a lot better lol
Everyone was really nice and when I went to the second meeting they were so happy and said welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
At my first meeting I was a complete emotional mess, having kicked my AH out the day prior. I could not understand why all these people seemed like a bunch of Pollyannas --- so content and talking about "my program" or whatever. It really irritated me and I felt like screaming. Here I was, writhing in pain and grief, and I didn't feel like these people could relate.
Now 18 months later I've learned a lot via osmosis and I "get" it. Haven't done the 12 steps yet but I have a ton of tools and my life is way more manageable. And I've learned that the people in the meetings can definitely relate to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually *grateful* for having been married to an alcoholic. I have had an opportunity for personal growth that I would otherwise never have gotten. Keep going back to those Al Anon meetings, take away what resonates with you and things will start making more sense. It really does work.
Now 18 months later I've learned a lot via osmosis and I "get" it. Haven't done the 12 steps yet but I have a ton of tools and my life is way more manageable. And I've learned that the people in the meetings can definitely relate to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually *grateful* for having been married to an alcoholic. I have had an opportunity for personal growth that I would otherwise never have gotten. Keep going back to those Al Anon meetings, take away what resonates with you and things will start making more sense. It really does work.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 44
I was very early for my first meeting which was in a church hall surrounded by trees. It looked like a scene out of Scooby Do. I skulked in the trees for a while watching people arriving and saying hello to each other. I thought "I'm not like them, I don't belong here". I went in though, trying to make myself invisible.
I sat in the meeting thinking "I'm not like them, I don't belong here". And then somebody whose AH had just died said that despite all the pain, there was a great deal of joy and she was glad she'd had him in her life. And I thought "I haven't been grateful for having ABF in my life for a long time. I can't imagine being grateful ever again. Just angry. Furious in fact, furious about his drinking, that he doesn't love me enough to stop. And look at her: she's crying but sort of happily. She seems peaceful, serene. I want to be like her, I want to feel grateful for having had ABF in my life, but I have no idea how to get there". And then I cried non-stop for the rest of the meeting.
I was mortified - I haven't cried in public since I was a child. I ran out of the meeting, promising myself I'd never go back. But then I slept better than I had in months. And I felt better, as if I'd invested something in my own well-being. And thought I'd better do the half-dozen meetings they recommend. I went back and cried again. I've gone to about fifteen meetings and I've cried in all of them, only that doesn't seem to matter any more.
I'm going to the Scooby Do meeting again tonight.
Hope you keep benefiting from your meetings.
SG
x
I sat in the meeting thinking "I'm not like them, I don't belong here". And then somebody whose AH had just died said that despite all the pain, there was a great deal of joy and she was glad she'd had him in her life. And I thought "I haven't been grateful for having ABF in my life for a long time. I can't imagine being grateful ever again. Just angry. Furious in fact, furious about his drinking, that he doesn't love me enough to stop. And look at her: she's crying but sort of happily. She seems peaceful, serene. I want to be like her, I want to feel grateful for having had ABF in my life, but I have no idea how to get there". And then I cried non-stop for the rest of the meeting.
I was mortified - I haven't cried in public since I was a child. I ran out of the meeting, promising myself I'd never go back. But then I slept better than I had in months. And I felt better, as if I'd invested something in my own well-being. And thought I'd better do the half-dozen meetings they recommend. I went back and cried again. I've gone to about fifteen meetings and I've cried in all of them, only that doesn't seem to matter any more.
I'm going to the Scooby Do meeting again tonight.
Hope you keep benefiting from your meetings.
SG
x
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I had verbal diarrhea at my first meeting. However, I am 3,000 miles away from the incident that finally drove me to a meeting. I don't have anyone here who understands what I'm going through, so to finally have gotten into a place where people sounded just like me... Well, I let loose. I miss my meeting. I havent been in over a month. First it was due to work, and then bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy (I'm 36 weeks with #3, and I've been on rest since 33 weeks). I can't wait to get back. I've been feeling too squirrely without it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I don't remember much...
...other than being very angry and resentful, but I am thankful every day that I kept going (my first meeting was November 2003).
I'm still going, and I'm still thankful.
Cyranoak
P.s. If you think I'm a dick now you should have seen me before Alanon. Good God.
I'm still going, and I'm still thankful.
Cyranoak
P.s. If you think I'm a dick now you should have seen me before Alanon. Good God.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
...other than being very angry and resentful, but I am thankful every day that I kept going (my first meeting was November 2003).
I'm still going, and I'm still thankful.
Cyranoak
P.s. If you think I'm a dick now you should have seen me before Alanon. Good God.
I'm still going, and I'm still thankful.
Cyranoak
P.s. If you think I'm a dick now you should have seen me before Alanon. Good God.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
At my first Alanon meeting I had no idea what they were talking about! It was like everyone in the room was speaking Greek. Just keep going ... I suggest at least six meetings before deciding it isn't for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
My first few meetings I thought I was going crazy- everyone was so
nice and kind, all I wanted to do was vent and cry! I couldn't understand the lingo- they spoke of these rooms ( there was only one!),the steps, the program oh and so much gratitude! I could not be grateful for anything-
6 months later, I look forward to every week's meeting- the support given
Is phenomenal- and finally I am getting it - it's not about my AH , or the pain of living with it all - it's all about ME! I am learning how to really look at myself, and finally at 49 to learn how to live with myself- it's an incredible learning process.
Please keep going- if it works for you the programme is fantastic - my life is improving every day - as they say we are worth it!
nice and kind, all I wanted to do was vent and cry! I couldn't understand the lingo- they spoke of these rooms ( there was only one!),the steps, the program oh and so much gratitude! I could not be grateful for anything-
6 months later, I look forward to every week's meeting- the support given
Is phenomenal- and finally I am getting it - it's not about my AH , or the pain of living with it all - it's all about ME! I am learning how to really look at myself, and finally at 49 to learn how to live with myself- it's an incredible learning process.
Please keep going- if it works for you the programme is fantastic - my life is improving every day - as they say we are worth it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
I wasn't a big fan of my first meeting. The topic was "grief", so I heard all these strangers talk about people that had died as a result of this disease. Way to brighten my outlook on this...
Before my second meeting I attended a family education program at my wife's rehab facility so I felt I understood more going into the next meeting. I still wasn't "comfortable" there but I'll be going to a third later this week...
Before my second meeting I attended a family education program at my wife's rehab facility so I felt I understood more going into the next meeting. I still wasn't "comfortable" there but I'll be going to a third later this week...
We all deserve respect & love
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 46
The first Alanon meeting I went to was over 10 years ago. I remember feeling very scared & my hands were cold/sweaty. I went with my now XABF (he's also an ACOA). Sat & listened but didn't share at the meeting. Got angry inside actually. XABF shared. His share was full of lies. It took a lot for me not to blurt out "You are lying!" to the room. I stayed silent & asked him why he felt the need to lie at an AlAnon meeting. Received the silent treatment. I told him the next day that we can't go to the same meetings together.
Shopped around. Went to 5 different meetings before finding one where I felt more peers from my age group. I know there's no age limits but for me it was important to feel that I can relate to people around my own age who are dealing with similar things. I attended regularly (2-3 X/week) for 14 months. Then I stopped because I thought things were all better. I was wrong.
Ended up back in AlAnon for another 16 months starting in 2010. I found a good therapist experienced with codependency & ACOA issues. We started intensive counselling sessions that kept me from totally losing it while prepping to leave my XABF. I prepped for at least a year to end relations. No longer go to meetings. I'm now only using therapy & some online supports for rough times when I can't get to a session.
Shopped around. Went to 5 different meetings before finding one where I felt more peers from my age group. I know there's no age limits but for me it was important to feel that I can relate to people around my own age who are dealing with similar things. I attended regularly (2-3 X/week) for 14 months. Then I stopped because I thought things were all better. I was wrong.
Ended up back in AlAnon for another 16 months starting in 2010. I found a good therapist experienced with codependency & ACOA issues. We started intensive counselling sessions that kept me from totally losing it while prepping to leave my XABF. I prepped for at least a year to end relations. No longer go to meetings. I'm now only using therapy & some online supports for rough times when I can't get to a session.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
my first meeting
Hi All
This is my first time on this site,and my second meeting was today,my first one was a week ago.
I cried as i entered the through the door,i cried the whole time there.
I went back today,and as i sat there i thought ,everyone has been coming here for more than twenty years,and i dont know if i will come back again.
They where all grateful to be there,but i resented been there,resented that my partner is an active acoholic and i had to go there,i didnt SHARE,i am not particularly religious,though my dad died last month and i do believe he is watching over me,and he is in a happier place.
There was so much talk of higher power,and god,and the programme which i know nothing about.
Maybe a week on here will help me decide if i will go back to the next meeting.
This is my first time on this site,and my second meeting was today,my first one was a week ago.
I cried as i entered the through the door,i cried the whole time there.
I went back today,and as i sat there i thought ,everyone has been coming here for more than twenty years,and i dont know if i will come back again.
They where all grateful to be there,but i resented been there,resented that my partner is an active acoholic and i had to go there,i didnt SHARE,i am not particularly religious,though my dad died last month and i do believe he is watching over me,and he is in a happier place.
There was so much talk of higher power,and god,and the programme which i know nothing about.
Maybe a week on here will help me decide if i will go back to the next meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
I haven't been to a meeting yet. I have been to AA and na with friends. I'm familiar w the progam. I don't know if I'm down w it. But. I need some support. Is it ok to go if you don't want to do 12 steps?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
I def felt uncomfortable. I actually stopped going for several months after an older woman told me that obviously my brothers were going to be alcoholics as well-even though I never even brought them up-my a's alcoholism has nothing to do with my brothers. She asked f I had siblings and if they drank-when I said no more than a normal college kid she said well you need to watch out bc they will likely become alcoholics. She then continued to tell me wverything I needed to do. I felt completely betrayed by the enter program. She totally overstepped her bounds and I left the meeting feeling worse than my a had ever made me feel. Long story short-after a few months I decided to give it anther shot. Stil nt totally comfortable but I have found some meetings I like (not that one obviously) but I have been going pretty regularly.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
bamboo10: Good for you getting back on a horse ... after that wild one got to you. There always are going to be people like that in the world. It is NO reflection on Al-Anon or the great number of good people in it!
BodkinvanHorn: Yes, it's ok because you can start with the slogans and they will get you far. Many have gone despite the Higher Power & Steps part and later on some grasp things they never knew they ever would.
getthere: Sorry that all that Higher Power, God and program talk got yo you. At first, I felt just like you did - like "is this a cult or what?". I was there to find a solution to the problems created by my then soon-to-leave-rehab AW. Little did I know that the program was really for ME and MY recovery. Now I feel entirely different about all of it. May I suggest that you try different groups like bamboo10 did, or that you speak to the Chair of that group about your sensitivity to those issues before a meeting. The group should be understanding and considerate of your sensitivity but you can also learn to "take what you liked and leave the rest" as we say in the program.
Here's to a good new try to all of you!
BodkinvanHorn: Yes, it's ok because you can start with the slogans and they will get you far. Many have gone despite the Higher Power & Steps part and later on some grasp things they never knew they ever would.
getthere: Sorry that all that Higher Power, God and program talk got yo you. At first, I felt just like you did - like "is this a cult or what?". I was there to find a solution to the problems created by my then soon-to-leave-rehab AW. Little did I know that the program was really for ME and MY recovery. Now I feel entirely different about all of it. May I suggest that you try different groups like bamboo10 did, or that you speak to the Chair of that group about your sensitivity to those issues before a meeting. The group should be understanding and considerate of your sensitivity but you can also learn to "take what you liked and leave the rest" as we say in the program.
Here's to a good new try to all of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by BodkinVanHorn
I haven't been to a meeting yet. I have been to AA and na with friends. I'm familiar w the progam. I don't know if I'm down w it. But. I need some support. Is it ok to go if you don't want to do 12 steps?
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