to help or not to help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
to help or not to help?
I'm struggling...thought I was helping by loaning money for a car. As I knew might happen, the car was stolen or traded for drugs. My brother is in recovery again and is asking me to consider handling an inheritance that he will soon recieve. He says he knows he shouldn't have large amounts of money and needs someone to be in control of it for now...wants debts paid off etc. and to have more time in recovery before he has access to the money. I'm hesistant to get involved but do want to help if I can. What boundries do I put in place? What if issues come up I don't feel comfortable with? Need some other perspectives please!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I wouldn't get involved. What if he relapses and is in desperate need to get a fix/drink/anything and then you are put in the position between an addict and his money? When people in active addiciton are stopped form obtaining money that is theirs violence can occur. Don't put yourself in danger or in a situation where you will be mentally messed with and tricked into giving up some of the money. It is a burden you do not have to take on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Yes, I'm glad he is thinking along these lines, but it is usually best to keep money and family (or friends or SO's or whatever) separate when there is such a history. A third (neutral) party seems like the way to go for everyone's peace of mind.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
"Giving" money to an attorney doesn't work, sorry ZiggyB.
But can you have a trust set up for your brother's benefit with a professional trustee (banker, e.g., preferably one who knows something about addiction) you totally trust, and you, as co-trustees? That way you could "pass" or "hand off" to the professional (after expressing your concerns) when you become "not comfortable" (as you said) about a particular request made by your brother or some emotionally charged issue. But you could freely handle all other day-to-day stuff yourself and also bring the love you obviously have for your brother to bear. The co-trustees would have broad discretion over boundaries (which they can change as needed) as opposed to trying to micromanage it with words in the trust. His alcoholism and addiction can be noted as one of the reasons for putting the $ in trust, which would be ready by the day he gets you the inheritance check to deposit in a new bank account in the trust name (usually "Trust of [brother's name]"). I'm guessing stuff may well depend on what state the bank account will be in.
I would imagine lots of parents are in this situation and hope they pipe in.
Peace. Keep posting and reading.
But can you have a trust set up for your brother's benefit with a professional trustee (banker, e.g., preferably one who knows something about addiction) you totally trust, and you, as co-trustees? That way you could "pass" or "hand off" to the professional (after expressing your concerns) when you become "not comfortable" (as you said) about a particular request made by your brother or some emotionally charged issue. But you could freely handle all other day-to-day stuff yourself and also bring the love you obviously have for your brother to bear. The co-trustees would have broad discretion over boundaries (which they can change as needed) as opposed to trying to micromanage it with words in the trust. His alcoholism and addiction can be noted as one of the reasons for putting the $ in trust, which would be ready by the day he gets you the inheritance check to deposit in a new bank account in the trust name (usually "Trust of [brother's name]"). I'm guessing stuff may well depend on what state the bank account will be in.
I would imagine lots of parents are in this situation and hope they pipe in.
Peace. Keep posting and reading.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Sorry about the "car loan!" Don't take it personally. It's just what addicts do. They generally don't do it AT us.
Many parents with an A child have seen cash, electronics, treasured heirlooms and every other thing imaginable stolen or pawned for drugs and booze. That's another reason why parents with money and property to give by will to their children (some may not be As) would be thinking about the same kinds of situations and the type of trust you are thinking about now ... except that they have the added problem of choosing whether or which child or children to be a trustee, how to trust the trustee-child or children and prevent sibling issues, how to communicate before and/or after death what the parents would want to see happen, and worrying also about all sorts of other things that might happen on or after their death. At least you have none of those worries.
Many parents with an A child have seen cash, electronics, treasured heirlooms and every other thing imaginable stolen or pawned for drugs and booze. That's another reason why parents with money and property to give by will to their children (some may not be As) would be thinking about the same kinds of situations and the type of trust you are thinking about now ... except that they have the added problem of choosing whether or which child or children to be a trustee, how to trust the trustee-child or children and prevent sibling issues, how to communicate before and/or after death what the parents would want to see happen, and worrying also about all sorts of other things that might happen on or after their death. At least you have none of those worries.
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