6901

So, my supposed RAW and I are getting divorced. She got out of rehab, went to Reno to stay with her dad, and decided she wants to stay there. She quit her job and, I'm almost positive, is seeing someone else already (less than a month out of rehab).

Anyway, I'm trying to think positive about the fact that, since we didn't have kids, I dodged a bullet. I know that in the long run this will be better for me. Now maybe I can find someone who is healthy and can have an interdependent life (rather than codependent) with children and so forth. The problem is I can't stop thinking about all the good times my RAW and I have had over the years. Despite all the pain and heartache she's put me through, and flat out treating me like absolute sh!t once she got out of rehab, I can't get stop the good memories from consuming my thoughts and getting me down.

I know some people have written lists of the pros and cons of the person, but I don't think that would help me. My list would have a lot of both. Other than time, what else would help? I'm assuming a lot of you have had this problem. I'm initiating the divorce and trying to get this done as quickly as possible, but I'm still having some really bad days that are usually the result of reminiscing. :help

SparkleKitty

I recommend spending as much time as you can with people who love you and don't expect more from you than to just be yourself. Friends, family, gather around you as many positive mirrors as you can find. Time is the main thing, but people who reflect the best in you will help tremendously. Wishing you strength; I know how hard this can be.

ZiggyB

I know how you feel, I have been going through the same thing.

You might want to try an seek counseling to help. I went to see a therapist on Friday and she told me this process of sifting through old memories (both good and bad) is a normal part of the grieving process and must be done in order to move on. At least that made me feel a little bit better. Of course there were good times, and of course we loved them, or we never would have stuck with them in the first place.

It is painful though, I have been doing a lot of writing, sometimes journaling helps. At least I have gotten to the point where I now able to look at old photos of us without having an anxiety attack or crying.

Better days are ahead for you!

marie1960

Losing someone is difficult, over the years I've heard divorce compared to death, it's a loss, and we have to grieve it.
All I can offer is try and stay in your today. Tomorrow is going to take care of itself.

It really doesn't matter if she has found someone else, ( we both know rebound relationships seldom last). I understand it's painful to be replaced so quickly, but she has shown you who she truly is, and knowing what you now know about her, you probably would not find her such an amazing life partner today.

Sometimes we simply have to accept that our role in someone else's life is complete. Memories are not a foundation for a future together. Healthy relationships grow and evolve. Healthy relationships are based on two people who WANT to "pull the cart" the same way, thru life.

An addict is not capable of being a worthy partner, he/she only knows it's drug of choice. And the people who love addicts, often have to figure out a whole new life plan. I am here to share with you that it is possible to have a GOOD life free of addiction.

Just for today, keep yourself busy. Reconnect with friends, get outside, get some fresh air. Do anything to occupy your mind. It will get easier.

Please continue to post, we are here with you, and we understand what you are going thru. Take care of YOU!

6901

Thank you...that about sums it up right there. I have been surrounding myself with friends and exercising and golfing again. I find my hardest times are when I'm at work. That's when my mind wanders too much (instead of focusing on work).

Ziggy, I agree, I think counseling would be a good idea. I just wish there was a way to speed up the grieving process.

Florence

For what it's worth, my counselor says that's part of my problem. Instead of feeling the feelings, I stuff them down or ignore them or try to rush through the pain of whatever it is I'm feeling. I'm splitting with my AH now, and it sucks. I was sitting on the couch last night watching TV and just burst into tears. Instead of immediately trying to compose myself, I just cried. When it was over, I felt so much better.

NWGRITS

Even for those who aren't divorcing from an addict, it's still hard. It's the same process of pros and cons and wondering if you're doing the right thing. I divorced my ex-husband almost four years ago, and I still remember how painful that was. He isn't an addict, we just had issues that we couldn't get past as a couple. On D-Day, I walked down the courthouse steps to the car almost in a daze, a mix of emotions coursing through me. While my mother (the A in my life) was bouncing down the steps and wondering why the hell I wasn't doing backflips and celebrating. There's so much behind that, but this isn't the time or the place for that story. Anyway, just know that these feelings are normal for anyone going through a separation and divorce. You'll heal in your own time. Keep surrounding yourself with healthy people who love you and accept you. And keep posting here!

Tuffgirl

I have great memories of the good times, but I also have very realistic memories of everything else! When I find myself wallowing in one or the other, I make myself acknowledge both. It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good either. And bottom line, it wasn't a satisfying relationship for me in the end. I do miss the good times. I miss when he and I were friends (in the early days). I miss laughing together, sharing adventures, and the physical side of intimacy. But I don't miss never being a priority, the sheer competitive nature of our interactions, being scared to talk about certain things with him, and feeling uncertain of our future together.

Its ok to grieve. This is a loss, and grieving is normal.

Titanic

Divorce is worse than suffering loss through death. With most deaths, there is little or no blame, fault, guilt, recrimination or rejection on top of the loss itself. And with death, the person doesn't continue walking around your life or continually impacting the life of the kids (I'm glad you don't have to deal with that issue!). Talk about a job in getting closure!

Go to Al-Anon where grief is discussed. Pick up the book "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses." It's all about grieving the loss of a healthy family, relationships, dreams, and loved ones as well as dealing with the feelings, taking care of ourselves and growing spiritually through the process of grief - all when alcoholism has been a factor.

The devotional "Hope for Today," which is geared to ACoAs also has lots on grief because grieving the lost childhood and relationships within the family of origin is the major task of ACoAs.

Be well friend.

Anon12

I'm going through something similar, although we weren't married but together for 6 years. I found counselling really helped, and coming here. It's four months since he moved out and I still find myself winded by a memory. I'm still in shock, like I'm going to wake up and it's all some nightmare, I just didn't think we would end up here.

I agree letting yourself feel every part of the process is better than suppressing it and hoping you move forward. You will move forward but you may go two steps forward, three back. Doesn't mean it's not progress. Balance the feeling bit with seeing friends, family, doing things you enjoy, to avoid depression and dwelling.

You're not alone and this place has really helped me.

ZiggyB

I am with you there! It has been 3 months and I am sooo sick of it, I wasn't even married to my A. but I was madly in love with the guy (and least when he wasn't screaming at me). I keep wishing there was a way to speed it up myself. All the things that he said and did keep sticking in my head where I can't seem to get rid of them. I think keeping busy does help to take your mind off of things.

I did go through a divorce about 5 years ago and I have to say that was also painful and it seemed to take forever as well... take care of yourself!

6901

I agree...you'd think being at work would keep my mind occupied, but as I said, that seems to be when it wanders the most. Thank you all for your advice...I'd probably be lost without SR.

LifeRecovery

I actually found therapy and Al-anon to be a big help.

I also found a Grief Recovery Handbook and the corresponding course (that is offered many,many places) was helpful. It helped me to have a more reasonable timeline and balance in place.

Finally I hate to say it but time helped. In affair recovery they say it takes 2-5 year to get over an affair. That was part of my healing too, but I am finding that healing from this relationship is general is taking about that much time.

Titanic

What did you do in affair recovery, LifeRecovery? What program, workbook, etc.?

cli

6901! I'm having the same problem. I miss my RAXBF so much, even as I simultaneously hate his stupid guts.

It wouldn't hurt to make a pros and cons list. Don't knock it til you try it. You might be surprised by the end of it, especially if you give yourself permission to really feel your feelings as you write.

Then again, maybe talking is more your speed. Al-anon, counseling, even a sympathetic friend. Whatever you feel most comfortable doing, with the ultimate goal of restoring your perspective. There's no right way, but I do recommend you try whatever you can. Even just posting on this forum!

I'm very blessed to have one good friend to rant to. When I find myself missing the fun times I had fishing and camping with my ex, the friend reminds me that the ex also got drunk and tossed our tent into the sea! Perhaps your experience isn't that extreme, but the idea is the same. Whether or not you literally make a pros and cons list, you'll eventually find yourself weighing those things out somehow anyway.

Learn2Live

I recommend doing the list anyway. Whether you think it is going to help you or not. The point of making the list is not just to have the list. It is an exercise. A brain exercise. It is to help you get your thinking in a different place. It's a process.

Are you going to meetings? Have you learned about The Present Moment? Have you learned about Detachment? How about Emotional Detachment? You sound very sentimental to me. There is a way to learn how to live in the PRESENT moment, be more objective, leave the past in the past, etc. You have much work to do. There is no easy answer. No quick fix. No pill you can swallow to make this better. Ya' gotta do the work. No time like the present.

6901

I've attended a couple of Al-anon meetings, and plan to keep attending them. But I admit that I do have a lot of work to do and a lot to learn. I'm trying to live in the present, but it's these memories that keep popping up at times that is making it difficult.

Learn2Live

Yes, I understand completely. I've been going through the same thing. Do you know what is the best way you learn? For instance, the best way I learn is by reading. Other people learn better by listening to someone talk. Are the Al-Anon meetings helping?

Honestly, ya' gotta get tough. I know it hurts like hell but if you want a better life for yourself, it's just something I feel needs to be done. Acceptance is also key. I have the bad habit of seeing only the good in others and ignoring the bad and even the AWFUL. Do you by chance do the same? See your spouse thru rose-colored glasses? Cause she is more than that, you know. Accepting that she is a human being, and that human beings are not all black and white, that there is going to be bad with the good, but that it's up to you to decide how much and what kind of bad you can tolerate in your life. I personally have low tolerance for immorality and selfish people. But for some strange reason I keep inviting immoral, selfish people in. Strange, huh?

6901

So far I think it's been helping. Listening to others talk about how they cope and take care of themselves. At this point thought, I've just been listening rather than sharing but I guess that's ok.

When it comes to her, I am always making excuses or covering up the bad things, but it's slowly changing. I understand that even though there might be more pros than cons when it comes to my soon to be ex-wife, the degree or level of the cons outwiegh the pros. I guess it's because I was blindsided by her decision following rehab that it is taking longer to accept. My feelings about her vacillate between sadness and anger. Like I said though, I understand it's better for me in the long run, just sucks the amount of pain it takes to get there. Again, I appreciate all the help and support I receive on here (in addition to the support I get from Al-anon and my friends and family).

Learn2Live

Sounds like Serenity Prayer might be helpful for you. Sounds like you are much like me; other people make these huge decisions that affect my life, without giving much consideration to me. Take back your power. Take back control over that which you HAVE control: YOU, YOUR thoughts, YOUR behaviors, YOUR actions. Focus on your strengths and using those strengths to improve or beautify your life somehow, or even to just stay busy. Get your focus back on YOU.