marie1960

Well you can never go wrong with just listening, my friend.......

And you certainly are not deciding the rest of your life today.

Just do what is best for YOU!

Remember to breathe, it doesnt solve the problem, but it will remind you that you will get thru this.

CentralOhioDad

I hope you are doing okay today after seeing her last night. Knowing it's the weekend will probably not help much. But, find some time with friends, go see a guy movie, wash and wax the car and get it ready for Winter.

You'll be okay, and this forum is always open and the lights are always on. Feel free to PM or email me thru this site if you want and I can listen.

Take care.

redatlanta

I really understand the anger you feel about someone else getting in your business aka Sponsor.

Think of it in terms like this - its his/her job to do everything to guide your X to a successful recovery. Clearly X is struggling with the relationship and has voiced this to the Sponsor. Stressors are triggers - it is probably the best advice to say to her to take a break. Its not personal and that is what you have to remember.

It doesn't negate the way you feel - a bit like a doormat I suppose.

I don't like being on the crazy train myself, in life sometimes decisions have been made for me that I didn't like that ended up being for the best. I think that situation applies here. COnsider yourself lucky to get off the train.

Hope you are doing better today.

Titanic

So how did it go, and what did you do with the drawing?

soexhausted

Thanks for caring!
When she came by she was shocked that I had packed everything up. She told me that she did not think that this was what today was supposed to be.
I told her that I can not take anymore breaks. I said that she has to decide am I in her life or out of it. Throughout our relationship she always called the shots of where we stood. It might not be the right thing to do considering how new she is in her recovery, but I could not take any more back and forth.
She asked me if I would be doing as much for her if she had a boyfriend?
I said why do you? She said no.
I told her that before anything happened romantically between us I had always been there for her. I was there through two previous boyfriends.
I have been there for her always.
She asked if we could talk later?
I agreed, everything was fine. I even smiled and said let me keep the drawing and your picture.
I walked her to her car. Where she brought up my motives for helping her again.
For some reason I asked her again are you seeing someone? She hesitated and said no.
I said whatever the words, is there someone you like? She finally said yes.
It has not been long. we are hanging out.
She said I am just being honest. I said no, if you were being honest you would have told me when this started before you kept asking for my help and to borrow money.
I felt so hurt and betrayed. I told her to wait I am going to give you your drawing back.
She sped off.
I texted her that I have never felt so used in my life. I never want to see or talk to her again. As far as I am concerned she no longer exists.
Went against everything I have learned in Al Anon. But I was angry.
I texted her one more time saying that I am sorry for what I said. It was said out of pure emotion. I love and care about you. I wish you much happiness and success. I am always here if you need me.
When I said we need a break. And when I packed everything of hers up and made her pick it up that day maybe it was because that is what I was supposed to do.
But I still feel terrible telling a sick person that they no longer exist to me.
Today I am feeling very sad.
P.S. What would her sponsor say about her starting a new relationship while residing in sober living three weeks out of rehab?

Titanic

P.S. It happens a lot, unfortunately, and a good sponsor would give her an earful. You see it in AA/NA in person, Al-Anon sharings, these forums and the A literature. Even here some folks say, oh but it's only a suggestion that there be no new relationships in rehab or in the first year of recovery and it's voluntary ... blah blah blah ... until they experience the fallout in their own lives or those of loved ones. It's part of the A's tornado of destruction: the person who has endured so much is now betrayed like you were and any children are devastated, the Hot-to-Trot A(s) now high on "Self-Will Run Riot" obtained a "clean" slate with a new partner who is in no position to judge (unless one's been lied to by the other about the first's background), the A(s) focus on getting "whatever" from the new person and thus won't work fully (if at all) on real recovery, the A(s) lie to the sponsor(s) (most of whom would have it end), they deepen their Step 4 wrongs and daily their Step 10 ones, the As almost always relapse, they usually end up splitting but not until they've wreaked (Two-for-One) havoc on both families during their relationship, both end up used and both are back to square one if not zero!

It is betrayal coupled with substituted addictions coupled with halted recovery coupled with rebounding of ill sorts! Some cacophony.

I think the above speaks volumes about the empathy I have for you for how much she's wounded you.

marie1960

Soexhausted, I think I was holding my breath the whole time I was reading your most recent post. I am so sorry that you are hurting and the current betrayal she just presented you with.

While I do not have an answer of why addicts are so effin prone to lying, I can only say I am not surprised. I can only hope that her admission gives you the closure you need to go forward without any regret.

My only word of caution, is, be selective in the future. When dating future women watch their actions, words are meaningless.

Sending you hugs of strength. Believe in YOU.

soexhausted

Thank you all so much Titanic and Marie for your responses.
In true Al Anon fashion all I keep thinking about is how much It must have hurt her for me to say that she no longer exists to me. How I wish I had not said that.
Always putting her feelings way above mine.
In a perfect world I might have said or done things differently. But maybe this was the only way to finally end this thing.
Time to start taking care of myself!
As for what she tells her sponsor about her new love interest she will probably do what she normally does, she will lie.

laurie6781

I have read the whole thread. First of all the general rule is "No major CHANGESthe first year."

This means no breaking up if in a relationship, unless it is a 'danger' to your sobriety.
No changing jobs, again unless job is endangering ones sobriety. No changing resi-
dences unless where one lives is a 'danger' to one's sobriety, etc etc

Now what you are experiencing from her is the real Up and Downs of
early recovery. Emotions are over the place, her's especially, but yours also.

As to what would her sponsor say, who knows. But if she is like many of us that
sponsor she will say it is a very bad idea until one has completed their steps.

I would suggest that you remain No Contact and concentrate on working your
own steps in Alanon. By the time you reach Step 9 and are ready to do your
amends, I suspect your words to her might be in there and at that time when you
are ready to make your amends to her and contact her would be a fine time to
see if there is still anything between you or not, or if she contacts you first with
her Step 9 amends to you.

Please keep posting here and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so
very much. Also try and remember that we are with you 24/7 in spirit.

As you work your own steps you will start to discover things about you that you
may want to change also.

Love and hugs,

soexhausted

It is ironic that when I first started this thread I thought I was being paranoid for thinking that she might be seeing someone. And as it turned out I was right.
Sometimes you have to trust your intuition.
She had cheated on every boyfriend prior to her last. He moved away. or she probably would have cheated on him as well. I was her first relationship that had started clean.
I guess she technically did not cheat on me since we had become "just friends", but she cheated on me in every emotional sense.
I cannot help but feel so betrayed by the fact that I stood by her throughout everything.
She told me on Sunday that she owes her life to me.
She told me that she will never forget the support that I have given her. (Then on the last day I saw her she told me that I had not done anything more then any other guy who loved her might do. She negated everything I had been to her. I don't know what hurt more, that statement or the new man in her life.)
I am sure that according to her sponsor I have probably now gone from lifesaver to trigger.
I sat through every family group. I went to every visiting day. Even though it was often a two hour drive to get there.
I am not saying this to sound like a whiner. I am saying this to ask myself why I would choose to put all of my love, faith and trust in the hands of an alcoholic.
That lays on me!

Titanic

Stop beating yourself up. Isn't it enough that she has? Get to some Al-Anon meetings and do some of the literature reading. I'd recommend "Opening Our Hearts, Trsnsforming Our Losses" and the chapter on Loss in Relationships, soecifically.

Peace.

marie1960

"I am saying this to ask myself why I would choose to put all of my love, faith and trust in the hands of an alcoholic." (soexhausted)

^^^^^^ million dollar question.^^^^^^

I was so ignorant, I knew nothing about the disease. I did not understand addiction. I also had faith that with love and structure he could quit. As titantic stated, "can't beat yourself up". Another life lesson learned.

The truth sets us free. The painful truth can be haunting. Keep working on you, friend.