Clearly NOT in recovery
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Clearly NOT in recovery
My STBXAH is currently representing himself as the plaintiff in our divorce. Although an amended protection order permits him to contact me by email about the children and financial matters, he has been sending these long rambling emails to my attorney on these issues. (She's onto him trying to run up my bill and be a person of record for his complaints/accusations.) Frankly, the emails really have no point or specific request - they are just statements of his concerns.
Anyway, he's is blameshifting beyond belief. His comments are unbelievable to me. They are what I should expect I guess - that I am crazy and unstable and he questions my decisionmaking as a parent. All of the circumstances he has found himself in to date are part of a big conspiracy on my part to ruin his life. It's ridiculous.
We've had no communication since he threatened me and was arrested in June and I have no way to know if he is drinking or not - but this type of talk is indicative of someone who is not in recovery. Am I off base in thinking this? I don't know what is the alcohol abuse and what is just pure meanness.
As I read the emails he wrote that were forwarded to me by my attorney, I was supremely disappointed. It's obvious to me that I still have expectations of him because I feel so let down. I don't like the feeling of having zero expectation of him - it makes me feel as though I've given up on him. Mind you, I don't want him back (NO WAY) but I want to have hope for him as a person I loved and as the father of my boys. It feels wrong to let go of that hope. Can you have hope and still be appropriately detached?
Maybe it's just that acceptance eludes me and I'm tired.
MamaKit
Anyway, he's is blameshifting beyond belief. His comments are unbelievable to me. They are what I should expect I guess - that I am crazy and unstable and he questions my decisionmaking as a parent. All of the circumstances he has found himself in to date are part of a big conspiracy on my part to ruin his life. It's ridiculous.
We've had no communication since he threatened me and was arrested in June and I have no way to know if he is drinking or not - but this type of talk is indicative of someone who is not in recovery. Am I off base in thinking this? I don't know what is the alcohol abuse and what is just pure meanness.
As I read the emails he wrote that were forwarded to me by my attorney, I was supremely disappointed. It's obvious to me that I still have expectations of him because I feel so let down. I don't like the feeling of having zero expectation of him - it makes me feel as though I've given up on him. Mind you, I don't want him back (NO WAY) but I want to have hope for him as a person I loved and as the father of my boys. It feels wrong to let go of that hope. Can you have hope and still be appropriately detached?
Maybe it's just that acceptance eludes me and I'm tired.
MamaKit
Lot Of Love Out There, Man.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by MamaKit 
Can you have hope and still be appropriately detached?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Mama, yes you can have hope for him, that someday he will become healthy.
The most important thing for you right now however is your protection, the protection of your children and making sure you get everything you are entitled to moving forward with this divorce.
All of this stuff he is emailing is just the same ole same ole, it's stacked resentments, on and on and on, as long as he is looking at you, and " your failings", he does not have to look at himself. I can't tell you how many times I was called a mental case. Told I needed help, he said often I made bad decisions, truth of the matter is, I am sane, my decisions are sound, the only bad decisions I were making involved continuing seeing him, and in that sense I was a bit of mental case.
It's quacking, he is trying to put doubt in your mind.
Hang in, you are doing great. Katie xo
The most important thing for you right now however is your protection, the protection of your children and making sure you get everything you are entitled to moving forward with this divorce.
All of this stuff he is emailing is just the same ole same ole, it's stacked resentments, on and on and on, as long as he is looking at you, and " your failings", he does not have to look at himself. I can't tell you how many times I was called a mental case. Told I needed help, he said often I made bad decisions, truth of the matter is, I am sane, my decisions are sound, the only bad decisions I were making involved continuing seeing him, and in that sense I was a bit of mental case.
It's quacking, he is trying to put doubt in your mind.
Hang in, you are doing great. Katie xo
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
When we have unrealistic expectations of another we give up on ourselves and let ourselves down. We CAN be detached and still have hope for the other person without sacrificing ourselves.
Originally Posted by MamaKit
My STBXAH is currently representing himself as the plaintiff in our divorce. Although an amended protection order permits him to contact me by email about the children and financial matters, he has been sending these long rambling emails to my attorney on these issues. (She's onto him trying to run up my bill and be a person of record for his complaints/accusations.) Frankly, the emails really have no point or specific request - they are just statements of his concerns.
Anyway, he's is blameshifting beyond belief. His comments are unbelievable to me. They are what I should expect I guess - that I am crazy and unstable and he questions my decisionmaking as a parent. All of the circumstances he has found himself in to date are part of a big conspiracy on my part to ruin his life. It's ridiculous.
We've had no communication since he threatened me and was arrested in June and I have no way to know if he is drinking or not - but this type of talk is indicative of someone who is not in recovery. Am I off base in thinking this? I don't know what is the alcohol abuse and what is just pure meanness.
As I read the emails he wrote that were forwarded to me by my attorney, I was supremely disappointed. It's obvious to me that I still have expectations of him because I feel so let down. I don't like the feeling of having zero expectation of him - it makes me feel as though I've given up on him. Mind you, I don't want him back (NO WAY) but I want to have hope for him as a person I loved and as the father of my boys. It feels wrong to let go of that hope. Can you have hope and still be appropriately detached?
Maybe it's just that acceptance eludes me and I'm tired.
MamaKit
Anyway, he's is blameshifting beyond belief. His comments are unbelievable to me. They are what I should expect I guess - that I am crazy and unstable and he questions my decisionmaking as a parent. All of the circumstances he has found himself in to date are part of a big conspiracy on my part to ruin his life. It's ridiculous.
We've had no communication since he threatened me and was arrested in June and I have no way to know if he is drinking or not - but this type of talk is indicative of someone who is not in recovery. Am I off base in thinking this? I don't know what is the alcohol abuse and what is just pure meanness.
As I read the emails he wrote that were forwarded to me by my attorney, I was supremely disappointed. It's obvious to me that I still have expectations of him because I feel so let down. I don't like the feeling of having zero expectation of him - it makes me feel as though I've given up on him. Mind you, I don't want him back (NO WAY) but I want to have hope for him as a person I loved and as the father of my boys. It feels wrong to let go of that hope. Can you have hope and still be appropriately detached?
Maybe it's just that acceptance eludes me and I'm tired.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am in a situation right now where I have hope, but a healthy dose of reality. And I am watching a family allow hope to cloud their observation (thanks Marie) of a dire situation. They believe being realistic means giving up hope, and I think, MamaKit, you can see here that they can be mutually exclusive.
Expectations are not hope, though. That might be where you are hung up. You can hope that one day, he may find sobriety and get well, without having an expectations of him. As a matter of fact, we like to say here that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so maybe expect those emails, then it won't be so painful when they continue to come.
Prayers for peace today,
~T
Expectations are not hope, though. That might be where you are hung up. You can hope that one day, he may find sobriety and get well, without having an expectations of him. As a matter of fact, we like to say here that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so maybe expect those emails, then it won't be so painful when they continue to come.
Prayers for peace today,
~T
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