Titanic

Yep, fresh start for the A. Usually, the smelly rotting stuff is left for us. Would you feel better or worse if he hooked up with someone in rehab behind your back and was saying he needed to be apart for sobriety's sake? Plenty of them do that! They get a new paper plate that is of their same color, while ours is left with the carcass and abused plastic utensils. Or they can spin a new tale about their history to some 13th Stepper in AA, or whitewash their story told to some other new piece of meat. Switcheroo ... new DOC.

"Fresh start" of what? Remains to be seen ... Give it a year.

Archy

Sorry to hear it. I'm not getting much positive reinforcement though. My hubby just left me after promising on our anniversary not to touch a drop again. He waited two weeks after telling me. Then in another two he was in an apartment.

I think this is ********.

cli

Yeah! Thanks for that Titanic! You've basically confirmed what my off-line friend has been saying on the phone. The ex didn't go to rehab and magically become a better person. He's still the emotional parasite he's always been, and now that I'm refusing to play co-dependent anymore, he's moving on to leech off a fresh host.

The ex later told me there is absolutely no one else, that it just came out wrong, but I have absolutely no idea how anyone could "accidentally" say that. Pretty big slip-up, eh? Either way, he may follow the guideline not to start a new relationship, or maybe not. He certainly didn't follow the guideline not to end the one you're already in! So who knows. Not my problem, right? I think I'm really starting to get it now...

cli

Oh dear... Please do tell your story. Everyone here has been so amazingly helpful to me, I'm sure they can help you too.

Titanic

Rehab and AA/NA to the A: "Sobriety (no drinks, drugs, new men/women, etc.). Work your program. 90 meetings in 90 days. No big changes and no new relationships for a year."

A's slick inner voice: "Whaaaaaat????? Yeah, right. I'll keep trying this sobriety bit but who knows for how long. I'm more f'in miserable now than ever. I'll go to a meeting, when I can, to make it look good and swap some stories or shortcuts. Too old and boring there. No one does a meeting EVERY day, goes to work and has a life. No one to pay attention to me without looking at me like an A failure? No new meat ... not even in rehab or at AA/NA where we're all on the same playing field? What a joke! How long are we supposed to be miserable????? Oooooooh, who's that looker?"

Carol Star

Sounds like the perfect time to go to Alanon and learn how you can heal and how you are affected by this disease. YOU start your recovery for YOU.

PaperDolls

I LOVE what you said here -- it is absolutely ok to be angry. For me, the problem was always how I dealt with it or really the fact that I didn't deal with it. I just stayed angry. Sometimes for decades. NOT a good way to live. As you know, Alanon can help you with that.



If he's making crap up about the fresh start, blah blah blah .... all the more reason to move on, plus as you say, he's a dick and I tend to agree with that based on what you've told us here.

It's very possible he is making it up but trying to figure that out, as you stated, will drive you crazy. It sounds like he's making all sort of stuff up ..... not uncommon as you know .... so the likelihood of this being a bunch of meaningless words is great.


And you're so right -- I should have used the word accept, not respect. Good call!

Now - time to focus on you and less on him?

BIG HUGS

kindness2012

oh cli, hugs to you.

cli

Oh, yes! I'm very aware of the pitfalls of staying angry. I've done that one many times before as well, and I hate how it eats me up inside. Anger that comes from frustration and hopelessness is especially insidious. But I'm just plain old-fashioned outraged. Shouldn't last long, and can even feel myself coming out if it already.

I'm actually astounded how I went from crying for 2 months straight, to angry for about a day, now I'm sincerely laughing at the ridiculousness of it all! And it's the exact same thought that triggered all these various emotions in me: "My boyfriend left me because he thinks I'm bad for his recovery."

At the moment, that thought now sounds like the funniest joke I've heard in years! I'm sure I'll slip back into sadness and anger occasionally, but I definitely prefer laughing instead. Laughing is my natural state - who I was 5 years ago...

I can't thank you all enough for helping me pull myself out of this. I won't pretend I'm fully out of the weeds yet, but I'm already feeling in a much better place to really start repairing the damage.

Titanic

Al-Anon meetings.

cli

Yeah! I was just about to add that if Al-Anon is anything like these forums, then I'm definitely going...

Titanic

Same feel, but a little different. Face-to-face and local support in Al-Anon, but not here. More consistent, "tried and true" reading material in Al-Anon. A first-hand experience of what a long-recovering Al-Anon member "looks and feels like" in dealing with situations. A break from possible isolation at home.

Others may have more.

Carol Star

Yesterday Alanon- "Taking their inventory keeps me sick. Taking my inventory gets me well." Let go or be dragged.- Zen quote

Carol Star

keep a list of everything that made you mad