cli

My boyfriend and I were together for 5 years, the last year of which his drinking spiraled so out of control he got thrown in jail. Luckily he got a spot in a residential rehab clinic, which is what we both had been hoping for, me especially.

Meanwhile, I was trying to sell our house to pay the crushing debt he left me with. We talked regularly the first few weeks, but I was under too much pressure, and frankly still too angry. I asked him leave me alone for a while. He called me a passive-aggressive psycho, which really just proved my point. I'm sure he was on all sorts of meds, and I really didn't need that crap at the moment. He called often, but I didn't pick up.

I'm good friends with his mum though, and was please to hear from her that he really was focused on his recovery. Once things had calmed down for me, and I'd moved into my new flat, I was ready to talk to him again. He called, and for the first time in 7 weeks, I answered, and then he dumped me.

I haven't gotten much of an explanation, apart from various platitudes about how it feels right for him, and he wants a fresh start, and needs different things from different people now. I feel completely abandoned, just when I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've heard that people in early recovery are encouraged not to make such drastic decisions about their relationships, unless the relationship would hinder their recovery. I can understand his fears about my own drinking, but I was really looking forward sharing an alcohol-free life with him. I'm devastated that he would think I'm bad for him. Totally, completely rejected, like I'm suddenly not good enough for him anymore.

I sent him a text message asking if he honestly thought I was bad for him, and he never replied. I haven't heard from him since. After 5 years, how could he end it like this? It's just so cruel, and I feel utterly ruined.

crazybabie

((((cli))))) I am sorry for what your going through and I am glad you found us from what I have read here over the years this, is often common. There will be members with experience in this area soon.

fluffyflea

[


I think when he called you a passive-aggressive psycho he was referring to himself. It/s probably because you set a boundary with him to leave you alone and he wanted to get back at you.

Just my humble opinion.






QUOTE=cli;3604083]My boyfriend and I were together for 5 years, the last year of which his drinking spiraled so out of control he got thrown in jail. Luckily he got a spot in a residential rehab clinic, which is what we both had been hoping for, me especially.

Meanwhile, I was trying to sell our house to pay the crushing debt he left me with. We talked regularly the first few weeks, but I was under too much pressure, and frankly still too angry. I asked him leave me alone for a while. He called me a passive-aggressive psycho, which really just proved my point. I'm sure he was on all sorts of meds, and I really didn't need that crap at the moment. He called often, but I didn't pick up.

I'm good friends with his mum though, and was please to hear from her that he really was focused on his recovery. Once things had calmed down for me, and I'd moved into my new flat, I was ready to talk to him again. He called, and for the first time in 7 weeks, I answered, and then he dumped me.

I haven't gotten much of an explanation, apart from various platitudes about how it feels right for him, and he wants a fresh start, and needs different things from different people now. I feel completely abandoned, just when I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've heard that people in early recovery are encouraged not to make such drastic decisions about their relationships, unless the relationship would hinder their recovery. I can understand his fears about my own drinking, but I was really looking forward sharing an alcohol-free life with him. I'm devastated that he would think I'm bad for him. Totally, completely rejected, like I'm suddenly not good enough for him anymore.

I sent him a text message asking if he honestly thought I was bad for him, and he never replied. I haven't heard from him since. After 5 years, how could he end it like this? It's just so cruel, and I feel utterly ruined.[/QUOTE]

aliveforme

I was married to an active alcoholic for 16 years and slowly over the years fell out of love and left him.
I thought that if he would just stop drinking, every problem would have been solved.
Wow.........how many of us have thought this and been utterly, completely wrong????
I then fell in love with an RA, thinking, oh, he doens't drink, so we're all good. WRONG!!
I've read a lot of Al Anon materials and some Coda, and I find that the subject of "other relationship and/or emotional issues" once in sobriety is not that well covered.
I can only tell you that in the first 2 years of sobriety, its been my experience that the RA is more crazy than they were when they were drinking or using, only now its that much more difficult to understand because the substance is absent.
All I can tell you is that you need to take care of yourself. This helps the hurt. I ask myself, what can I do to take care of myself right now? I ask myself that sometimes 50 times a day. And the answer can be anything. Take a walk, cry out loud, talk out loud to myself, talk to God, scream into a pillow, read some literature, google behavior patterns, sing, dance, exercise, eat food I love but is bad for me, call a friend, go to a meeting, you name it. But I need to take care of me. maybe it is over for you and him, but you need to take care of you.......one day at a time.

cli

aliveforme, thanks so much for that. I never had any illusions that everything would be instantly perfect, but I certainly hoped that sobriety would help clear away the fog. When he first went to jail, I made it clear I wasn't going to play the co-dependent game anymore, and I'd actually strongly suspected that he wouldn't want to make the effort. Surely it would be easier for him to run away, but I never imagined he'd want to leave me so shattered and hurt, after he already took everything else I had.

It's strangely reassuring that RAs might be crazier in recovery. Certainly there's nothing sane about how he's treating me now. I'm trying to be grateful, like I dodged a bullet, but I can't help feeling rejected and missing him and mourning the loss of our future together. Even though I know I'm likely just in love with a fantasy.

It's been two months, and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I'm stuck in the town we moved to together, away from my friends, with no job, and dwindling money. I need to take action, but I'm scared the pain is clouding my judgement. I want my decisions to be what makes me happy, and not just what makes it hurt less. I really don't know what to do now, and it's terrifying. I guess I'm finding it hard to be patient. I really want to stop crying someday...

EnglishGarden

cli,

I'm sorry you are still in so much pain.

The pattern is that the alcoholic gets puffed up and grandiose and dumps the girlfriend as a way to inflate himself and feel powerful.

Then two months, three months, six months, maybe a year later (but usually sooner), he's back. And as Toby Rice Drews writes, it's always just when you're finally feeling better and letting go of him. She calls this "alcoholic radar."

I highly recommend her book "Getting Them Sober." It is about all the games and the insane behaviors of the alcoholic and believe me, they are so common that, as is often remarked around here, "it is as if all the alcoholics are using the same playbook."

Reading her book will help you see what is really going on behind the curtain.

cli

I think you are exactly right. After the first phone call, his mum all out demanded that he call me again for a proper talk. But he refused because I didn't contact him for those two months. He absolutely was trying to punish me, at least in that regard. Well spotted!

EnglishGarden, thanks so much. That book sounds like exactly what I need. Even worse than the fear that I'll cry forever is the fear that I'll go through this all over again...

Lulu39

Which book? I can find two online: One is Getting them Sober Volume 4 Separation Decisions and the other Getting them Sober - You Can Help.

webber1

Im sad for you ...

After my ex relapsed and went back to rehab we parted as in her words" I need to do this alone " .. which translates into " I dont want to take any responsibilty for my actions ". It amuses me now ( 4 months on) as in my view its almost a us v them mentality.

My ex relapsed as she didnt follow the steps/actions given to her .. She had all the time in the world to focus on her recovery. For you the 6 months sober with her were awful as its time everyone stopped blaming the booze and look at the person..

I felt angry - I saved her life, betrayed - I supported her at the time but really healthy kind people dont do this .. PERIOD. Blame it all on the booze but dont forget there would be many people in his ear telling him to do this and really it speaks volumes that he would do this.

For me it was god smiling as I WOULD never date a AH ( even recovering ).. Why Because its always about them.. Look after yourself and make it about you.

Take Care

fluffyflea

You won't cry forever and this can be an opportunity to work on yourself so it doesn't happen again.

fluffyflea

My S.O is 35 years sober and it's like "what?" how can someone be 35 years sober and still be so screwed up in and about relationships? If we don't work our steps and be "honest", thoroughly "honest" we can still have a lot of baggage hanging around.

Learn2Live

Pretty immature person to act that way, honestly. Don't you want to be in a relationship with a mature adult instead of this? And thank God he finally let you go so you no longer have to put up with his BS and so that he can no longer create crushing debt and leave it to you to pay!

PaperDolls

You know, it is possible he's being honest here. An alcoholic who is truly trying to recover sometimes makes decisions you may not like that will help his recovery. Just like you need to put yourself first, he has to put himself first.

Respect the fact that this feels right for him, that he wants a fresh start, and that he needs different things from different people. Respect it, doesn't mean you have to like it.

I understand it's painful and I really am sorry you're going through this.




This may be the pattern of an active alcoholic but not for someone who is truly trying to recover.

I have experience, as the alcoholic, with my partner breaking up with me ..... in an attempt to manipulate me. She didn't like that I was putting my recovery first. She thought that if she broke up with me I would see how serious she was and come running back. That was her intention. Let's not pretend here that only alcoholics lie and manipulate or even cause some pain because they put their own recovery first.

Which ever 'side' of this crap you're on - the important thing is putting your own recovery first. Sometimes that means relationships end, sometimes they are healed. Either way, I don't have power over that stuff. I let it go. It will all work out just how it's supposed to.

EnglishGarden

Lulu,
Yes, there are volumes 2,3,4. The original book--book number 1-- is simply titled "Getting Them Sober." That is the one you want.

If you aren't finding it on Amazon, try the website alibris.com which sells used books, you'll probably find it there.

It was a transforming book for me when I was trying to put myself back together after a relationship with an alcoholic.

cli

I sincerely hope you're right about this. I want nothing more than for him to be well, even if another women gets to enjoy it (but I won't pretend that doesn't break my heart). But he was only 2 months into recovery, if that. He could've made the decision before his first meeting, as far as I know. Surely a more healthy RA would feel a great deal of shame for causing so much suffering to a loved one. How is that good for him? I have questions I'd like him to answer, to help me move on, but he's completely cut me off. I understand recovery is a selfish process, but is that an excuse to be outright cruel?

I guess I could chalk it up a lack of communication skills. Maybe he has more specific reasoning about it all, but can't quite express it yet. But then again he was in residential rehab, surrounded by counselors to help him formulate his thoughts... I don't know, PaperDolls, something smells fishy.

But thank you very much for your advice, and no matter what, I'm certainly trying very hard to take it!

cli

Apparently, later editions of the first volume are also called "Getting Them Sober - You Can Help". It's currently out of print, but you can order a new copy directly from Ms Drews via gettingthemsober.com.

Amazon also have plenty of used copies from independent sellers. I live overseas, so I had to do a bit of research to get a copy in less than 4-6 weeks! I found a local seller who can ship it in just a few days, and I'm really excited to read it. Even if I never see my ex again, it sounds very helpful to me.

(Thanks again, EnglishGarden! I'm so glad I found these forums...)

BlueSkies1

Cli,
I've been through hell and back in a few relationships, and at 49 I've lived a few lives now.
It was extremely painful for me to accept during and even after my divorce from my AH that I was never going to receive the words of atonement I was looking for.
Honestly I think most people in life never understand the way or the degree of, that they affect others. This is what life has taught me, not just a relationship with an alcoholic.
But what I do know that good can come out of these situations is that we can learn to better protect ourselves for the rest of our lives. For me, I have learned and now have a different viewpoint about the way I love others. If the love I have for someone hurts, then there is something wrong in my perception of that love, and what that person is giving me. It is truly empowering to decide that if another's love hurts us, then we have to be the hero in our lives and save ourselves from that. Suddenly the power that I thought I had none of, I realize I had all of that power all along. It was all in how I looked at it.

Secondly, we can make much better choices of who to be involved with in our future. We are less naive and gullible, innocence lost i suppose...but we are well armed to protect ourselves whenever a relationship feels a bit "off". If we are confused, if something about the relationship's love for some strange reason is painful, then we know that something is amiss and we need to take care of ourselves, and look our for ourselves.
I think life with an alcoholic is more confusing than anything else. With that confusion comes depression, and a feeling of being powerless. You may be feeling that right now, and I have been there, but I can tell you that once you decide that you will not take crap thrown your direction, that those that throw crap will go looking elsewhere for someone who will.

You may never, as I didn't, receive the apologies you are looking for, nor receive the acknowledgment, nor receive the love bank deposits back that you made and thought you well deserve in return, and probably do.
What having an alcoholic for a partner teaches us, as painful of a lesson as it is, is to take care of ourselves, or face the painful consequences of not doing so.
I've been there...but once you realize you alone hold the power to protect yourself from a person who will hurt your heart, you suddenly have all the power you need to make sure it never happens again.
Shame? Atonement? Fairness? If he never gives them to you, so what. Guess what? You have the power to give yourself a good life. That's where all your power is. It will no longer matter what he can do for you, but what you can do for yourself.

PaperDolls

There's plenty of shame. Trust me.


I could be wrong ... may be he wasn't making a decision to put his recovery first. Then again, may be he was.

Fact is, neither one of us lives in his head so to come up with conclusions based on how it makes us feel just isn't very productive or effective. Even though taking him at his word is painful and even confusing, that's really all you can do. Otherwise, you're just making stuff up.

I'm guessing your right about the communication skills .... may be in the future you'll know more. Until then, how about focusing on you and your recovery? As difficult as that sounds .... it will pay off big time.

And actually, in my opinion, recovery is not selfish. It's the exact opposite. Recovery FEELS selfish ... especially when you've spent most of your life putting other people first. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's necessary.

Titanic

Could you control his drinking? Can you control his recovery?

For today, you are apart. LIVE today like YOU want to. One Day at a Time. Tomorrow is another day. For now, Let Go. More will be revealed.

Live YOUR recovery and Let him Live his.

All the best wishes.

cli

The reason I feel the wanting a "fresh start" and "needing different things from different people" are platitudes is because he didn't mention any of that during the first phone call. In fact, the first thing he said was that he met another woman, which turns out not to be even remotely true. He also said it was mostly because it would never be the same again, and he's worried that I'll always hate him, and he didn't want to hurt me any more... Surely you can see why I'm so confused!

He sent text messages later to explain about wanting a fresh start. Because you're right, if it was true then I'd have to respect it. But more importantly, I can't argue with it! If I'm left feeling like he's just broken all my dishes and crashed my cars all over again, then it stinks more of a power-play rather than an act of true integrity. And I doubt 2 months of court-ordered rehab would be long enough for him to tell the difference yet.

And I'd already begun working on myself after he first went to jail, so I can't help but suspect that I'd starting setting boundaries sooner than he liked...

But I'm not missing your point! I know I'm just speculating and trying to read his mind, and that is what's really driving me crazy. I have no issue with selfishness done well. But it is possible to look out for yourself without crapping all over the people who love you. Using recovery as an excuse to carry on causing damage is just as bad as using alcohol to hide behind. Even worse is using recovery to shirk all your past commitments and responsibilities, and to run away from the messes you've made.

Fresh start, my arse. I wish I could've told the bank that when they were threatening to foreclose. Sorry but I still can't respect it. I can accept it, but NEVER respect it. These are my feelings, and I own them, and frankly it feels good to finally be allowed to be angry without getting yelled at.

I know I'll likely never know what's going on with him, and all I can do now is not give a care. From my point of view, which is all I have, he's just carrying on being a total dick. ;-)