RoundII

I am getting ready to go to an alanon meeting. I have been going about once a week for several months but an unable to share much. I still have very hurt feelings about my AW relapse and behaviors. I can see her slipping back into the hole again and it kills me.
We have discussions about it, but she still rarely goes to meetings and hasn't yet slowed down her consumption. Recently I found she has been drinking listerene and mouthwash for her high. A new low. She doesn't know I am aware of it and I want her to find the bottom herself, but I am not sure how much more I can watch.
I find myself back to my old habits of searching the house for evidence of drinking or wrongdoings, and hate myself for it. I realize I am sick too. Now it is to the point I am starting to lose sleep over it and my mind won't shut off.
I really need to be open at the meeting tonight and try to find someone to talk to to help me get back on track.
I take care of myself and excercise usually helps me clear the mind, but it's effectiveness has waned.I really want to try to see her through this and had a discussion with her yesterday that I feel I am holding back her recovery and enabling her by turning a blind eye to her drinking.
We are supposed to go on a bike trip next week, and I am so worried she will be hiding her drinking and riding (her own bike) and get into an accident. I don't know if I could forgive myself if that happened.
I have hope that some time alone together camping will give us a chance to connect and she will open up to me about her feelings.
Sorry for the ramble, but that is how my mind is working today.
Thanks for listening.

aliveforme

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Yes, I believe opening up at the meeting will help. Do you have a sponsor you can talk to? Any Al Anon literature you can read through? Even the phamplets help keep my thinking back on track. Rememer that you can only be responsible for yourself. Please take care of you!

Pelican

Does your Alanon group provide a call list? A call list is a list of members first names and a phone number. The members who are willing to take a call offer their name for the list.

I finally got so overwhelmed with my feelings, frustrations and worry that I picked up that 100 pound phone and called someone on the list. I am so glad I made the call!

Please reach out for the help you need, here or at your home group. We are here to support you.