Ex on streets, Me no contact
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Ex on streets, Me no contact
I used to be a semi-regular around these parts but haven't posted in a while. I won't go into my entire backstory because some of you have heard it quite a bit, just give a brief summary of where my life and my XAH's life has been these past few months and why I yet again find myself going no contact with the man.
XAH went into Salvation Army after a one week stay in a psych ward in May. While he was in there, he is not allowed to contact anyone for 30 days. During those 30 days, I told him I needed a break from contact with him for a while, and that if he wanted to see our daughter, he could call my parents and they would arrange a visit. He did do this a couple of times. By about the third time he wanted to visit, after he had been in there for about 2.5 months, I went ahead and responded to one of his emails and said that I would go ahead and bring daughter down to him for a visit, because my parents at that point were out of town themselves for almost a month, and they had told me he seemed OK during the visits. I ended up doing this about 4 times, and each time he really did seem "better"--they had him on Prozac, which he said was helping tremendously, and he seemed less anxious, a lot less angry, and he wasn't pressuring me for anything during these visits, just seeming to enjoy spending some time with our daughter.
Then he started to talk more and more about wanting to leave the Salvation Army, because he felt he was ready, and he wanted to be able to apply for jobs. My ex is a law school graduate, but mainly due to his alcoholism, he's made a huge mess of his career--so each time he gets some sobriety under his belt he seems to think he's just ready to set the world on fire career-wise, not really getting that that's not the way the world works and that he is going to have to start out with a small job that is "beneath him" as he would put it and work his way up until he can build a more stable work record. So I found it more and more worrying, and then finally, he had a couple of interviews lined up for decent jobs, and against my advice and the advice of the SA, just left the program with 1.5 months to go until graduation.
He told me SA was not going to hire him on after he graduated, and while it is true that they don't hire everyone they help, and it is also true that they told him they could not get him hired on to headquarters in a more professional job like he wanted because of his terrible credit history and criminal background (all DUI's, but quite a few of them), I bet they would have hired him on at a lower-level job at least, because they were liking him there and were giving him more important jobs to do around the facility. He claims it was impossible to look for another job while staying there because working for them monopolized all his time, and they don't let you have a cell phone or computer there. I do know all that is basically true, but I can't believe after you graduate from the program and are staying on there they wouldn't at least let him use SOME phone to look for jobs. I do know they won't let even the graduates have a cell, but I also don't think they want to actively make it impossible for one of their graduates to join the work force.
Anyway, he left, and told me he was going to "go homeless" and sleep in the park. Long story short, he's been doing this for a few weeks now, and I know he has a friend who has been letting him stay with her sometimes when it's cold, and has been letting him store his stuff there. Well on Wednesday, he talked me into giving him some money for his friend, to pay her some kind of rent for letting him stay there. Against my better judgment, I did it. . I also had an old cell phone of his that I told him I'd give back to him since he "lost" his, and when I went to meet him to give him the cell, that's when I found out he'd been boozing on my money for two days and blown off a job he'd managed to get (a server job where he would have been paid in cash money). And he was belligerent, yelling, and trying to give me his Food Stamp card for money. I told him no and drove off, shaken that once again he'd fallen that far that fast. This is a man who within 24 hours of consuming booze will ruin his life, I swear.
Of course since that time he's been innundating my email and cell phone, begging my forgiveness, saying he's back on the wagon, working on a writing job, and begging for money to help him in the short term. So today I erected a "fortress of solitude" and blocked him from all of my emails, and shut off service to the cell phone he has access to, and changed my work number. I did do one "codie slip" however, and that was that I emailed the friend who's been helping him out. She knows what a drunk he is and does not enable his drinking--won't put up with his **** basically. I told her it has been a comfort to me that she has been willing to help him when it's cold outside and he's SOBER, or helping him by letting him clean up for job interviews at her place. And I offered her some money for helping him in that way--told her how much I could feasibly give her and that I didn't want my ex to know it came from me. I know I shouldn't have done that even, but it did make me feel better, and actually gave me the strength to cut off all of that contact with him directly.
For anyone who remembers my backstory, this has been my worst fear for a while, that he would be homeless, and I am proud of myself that I am handling it, and taking proactive steps to protect myself from this man. I promised my fiance I would keep it up for a year, and if after that time we catch wind that he's doing OK, maybe at that point talk about resuming contact with our daughter, but I don't even want him around her for that amount of time--at this point he'll just try to poison her mind and tell her that I want him dead, quack quack quack. He doesn't pay his child support so I highly doubt he will go to court to try to enforce visitation with her, but if he does, I'll deal with that then.
Things in MY life are going well--just bought a new house with my fiance, we are working on OUR relationship so we can model a healthy relationship for my daughter, and grow as a family. And I'm not as worried anymore about what will happen to my poor XAH if he ends up on the streets. I figure he'll figure it out somehow. It's not like there's no help out there.
Anyway, just thought I'd update.
XAH went into Salvation Army after a one week stay in a psych ward in May. While he was in there, he is not allowed to contact anyone for 30 days. During those 30 days, I told him I needed a break from contact with him for a while, and that if he wanted to see our daughter, he could call my parents and they would arrange a visit. He did do this a couple of times. By about the third time he wanted to visit, after he had been in there for about 2.5 months, I went ahead and responded to one of his emails and said that I would go ahead and bring daughter down to him for a visit, because my parents at that point were out of town themselves for almost a month, and they had told me he seemed OK during the visits. I ended up doing this about 4 times, and each time he really did seem "better"--they had him on Prozac, which he said was helping tremendously, and he seemed less anxious, a lot less angry, and he wasn't pressuring me for anything during these visits, just seeming to enjoy spending some time with our daughter.
Then he started to talk more and more about wanting to leave the Salvation Army, because he felt he was ready, and he wanted to be able to apply for jobs. My ex is a law school graduate, but mainly due to his alcoholism, he's made a huge mess of his career--so each time he gets some sobriety under his belt he seems to think he's just ready to set the world on fire career-wise, not really getting that that's not the way the world works and that he is going to have to start out with a small job that is "beneath him" as he would put it and work his way up until he can build a more stable work record. So I found it more and more worrying, and then finally, he had a couple of interviews lined up for decent jobs, and against my advice and the advice of the SA, just left the program with 1.5 months to go until graduation.
He told me SA was not going to hire him on after he graduated, and while it is true that they don't hire everyone they help, and it is also true that they told him they could not get him hired on to headquarters in a more professional job like he wanted because of his terrible credit history and criminal background (all DUI's, but quite a few of them), I bet they would have hired him on at a lower-level job at least, because they were liking him there and were giving him more important jobs to do around the facility. He claims it was impossible to look for another job while staying there because working for them monopolized all his time, and they don't let you have a cell phone or computer there. I do know all that is basically true, but I can't believe after you graduate from the program and are staying on there they wouldn't at least let him use SOME phone to look for jobs. I do know they won't let even the graduates have a cell, but I also don't think they want to actively make it impossible for one of their graduates to join the work force.
Anyway, he left, and told me he was going to "go homeless" and sleep in the park. Long story short, he's been doing this for a few weeks now, and I know he has a friend who has been letting him stay with her sometimes when it's cold, and has been letting him store his stuff there. Well on Wednesday, he talked me into giving him some money for his friend, to pay her some kind of rent for letting him stay there. Against my better judgment, I did it. . I also had an old cell phone of his that I told him I'd give back to him since he "lost" his, and when I went to meet him to give him the cell, that's when I found out he'd been boozing on my money for two days and blown off a job he'd managed to get (a server job where he would have been paid in cash money). And he was belligerent, yelling, and trying to give me his Food Stamp card for money. I told him no and drove off, shaken that once again he'd fallen that far that fast. This is a man who within 24 hours of consuming booze will ruin his life, I swear.
Of course since that time he's been innundating my email and cell phone, begging my forgiveness, saying he's back on the wagon, working on a writing job, and begging for money to help him in the short term. So today I erected a "fortress of solitude" and blocked him from all of my emails, and shut off service to the cell phone he has access to, and changed my work number. I did do one "codie slip" however, and that was that I emailed the friend who's been helping him out. She knows what a drunk he is and does not enable his drinking--won't put up with his **** basically. I told her it has been a comfort to me that she has been willing to help him when it's cold outside and he's SOBER, or helping him by letting him clean up for job interviews at her place. And I offered her some money for helping him in that way--told her how much I could feasibly give her and that I didn't want my ex to know it came from me. I know I shouldn't have done that even, but it did make me feel better, and actually gave me the strength to cut off all of that contact with him directly.
For anyone who remembers my backstory, this has been my worst fear for a while, that he would be homeless, and I am proud of myself that I am handling it, and taking proactive steps to protect myself from this man. I promised my fiance I would keep it up for a year, and if after that time we catch wind that he's doing OK, maybe at that point talk about resuming contact with our daughter, but I don't even want him around her for that amount of time--at this point he'll just try to poison her mind and tell her that I want him dead, quack quack quack. He doesn't pay his child support so I highly doubt he will go to court to try to enforce visitation with her, but if he does, I'll deal with that then.
Things in MY life are going well--just bought a new house with my fiance, we are working on OUR relationship so we can model a healthy relationship for my daughter, and grow as a family. And I'm not as worried anymore about what will happen to my poor XAH if he ends up on the streets. I figure he'll figure it out somehow. It's not like there's no help out there.
Anyway, just thought I'd update.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Thank you for the update, I have been 'wondering' in my head about how you
were doing.
Glad to hear things are finally turning around for you. I understand you want-
ing to give that 'friend' some monetary reimbursement for things she has done
for your XAH. That really was to make you 'feel' better about the whole situa-
tion.
Also very glad to hear that you went back to NO CONTACT and are adamant
that he NOT have contact with your daughter for at least a year and then only
if he is sober ......................... GREAT call Mom!!!!!!!!
Keep looking forward, as it sounds like you are doing real good with the look-
ing forward!
It is so good to hear from you!
Love and hugs,
were doing.
Glad to hear things are finally turning around for you. I understand you want-
ing to give that 'friend' some monetary reimbursement for things she has done
for your XAH. That really was to make you 'feel' better about the whole situa-
tion.
Also very glad to hear that you went back to NO CONTACT and are adamant
that he NOT have contact with your daughter for at least a year and then only
if he is sober ......................... GREAT call Mom!!!!!!!!
Keep looking forward, as it sounds like you are doing real good with the look-
ing forward!
It is so good to hear from you!
Love and hugs,
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